nosleep_ox Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 hey everyone - Its hard for me to express myself through writing, especially on things like this because none of you know who I am so I need make sure I explain things in terms of what I really mean. I really don't even know where to begin because I get so overwhelmed when even thinking about this whole situation. I'm just going to give you a broad overview of my story by describing the problem, cause, and then solution (the hard part). First a little background info about ME. I'm am a 21 year old female in my senior year of college. First prescribed 10 mg adderall XR sophomore year in high school but never abused it until... its hard to remember exactly...but probably not until my junior year in college? Ive had issues with anxiety my entire life - I was put on 50mg zoloft middle/end of my senior year in high school - huge help. I am 5'2 and....95 lbs....I am currently prescribed 20mg adderall XR once a day... now to the problem. At this point, I go though my own script in about 6 days. So doing the math thats 600mg/6 days...yeah I'm up to around 100 mg ON AVERAGE a day but I can say sometimes its up around 120. Then i have to buy from other people which blows through my monday at the speed of light...My sleep schedule is so beyond fucked. During the school week I usually pull at least 1 or 2 all nighters just because I can't sleep for the life of me. The rest of those nights I probably get no more than 4 hours at best. When friday rolls around, i'm lucky if I am even able to nap. The only nights where I can fall asleep with minimal trouble is the nights when I am drunk and went out. Then I sleep literally the entire day...like I get up and its dinner time or later. Ive lost a shit ton of weight and I hate it and I am embarrassed by it. I see myself and notice how I can see my veins outlined in my forearm and wrists and think "fuck...i really gotta change" and then go on about my day. I am killing myself and watching it happen. Not to much the ciggs I smoke every 4 seconds.. Honestly I think a big cause of taking so much adderall is not just the pill's effects...I am 100% addicted to adderall WITH cigarettes. Dont get me wrong, I will take an adderall if I cant have a cig but i hate it and I crave it the whole time. The days when I dont take adderall, I hate ciggs and never want one. I havent felt out myself losing control until this past summer...long story short I met this guy in may of 2012. another thing i should mention is i have really really bad self esteem...i dont know why but i always have. so anyway yeah i met this guy in may and he was the first guy in a longgg time that i got excited about. He was also the first guy in a long time that I was really attracted to AND comfortable around AND showed interest in me. I found myself up at night googling bullshit like "how to know if hes a player or the real thing" blah blah etc etc. We just randomly met one night at the bar, I didnt know who he was friends with or any of that. needless to say i stalked his facebook and saw his ex gf was basically a model so that was also comforting.... so in my mind, this super hot guy is showing interest in ME....why? made the decision I cant live my life being scared of that and I have to take risks. he graduated in June and then summer came, and I decide to live at school. He lives about 2 hrs from school and I live like 3 hours from school so the distance from my house to his house is like 4 hours. I told my parents oh yeahhh im just gonna get a job down here, i mean im already paying rent anywaysss..(i just wanted to be closer to him so it would be able to keep things going). We were officially dating all summer even though something in my head always doubted him... he was shady to say the least. saw eachother pretty much every weekend bc he had a job during the week: he would come to me and I would go to him. During the week I would literally just pound adderall and chain smoke ciggs while i thought about our relationship. its pathetic i know but thats what happened. when he wasnt answering my texts or something my mind would go "fuck it i just need to take more adderall to numb my feelings and maybe get drunk and have fun" flash forward to now: we broke up but thats a whole other story in itself. right before that though i found myself OBSESSING about trying to catch him lying, cheating, etc etc. I would spend HOURS and HOURS on the computer searching facebook twitter and whatever else trying to find puzzle pieces to put together. now broken up, I don't do that AS much but its only because I have his passwords to everything so I can just go right to the source. Okay yeah i know im insane but i swear i don't stalk as much anymore. now when Im up late im just googling nothing and i dont even know what --- pretty much addicted to adderall, ciggs, and the internet. WHY??? WHY did i get this way. I wish i could talk to my parents about it but that basically means leaving college. My dad is very intense and would pull me outta here in a heartbeat if he ever learned I was fucking around with my adderall. He knows I take it but def doesnt think I abuse it. I am an only child and my parents are both older and traditionalists. My mom doesnt work and is mess of anxiety, OCD, depression you name it. she revolves her entire life around me and basically tries to live through me. My dad works out of town during the week and comes home on the weekends. He is our only source of income and makes a very good so we are pretty well off. I have drug addicts on both sides of my family who have caused huge problems so I feel like if i let this out -- I will be categorized just like them. I mostly just feel like that would break my dad's heart into pieces. I am minoring in info tech which is what he does, and he LOVESSSS hearing about my classes and what i'm learning and I can just hear in his voice how happy and proud he is of me that his only daughter is growing up to do the same work he does. never in a million years did I picture myself going into such a hard field of study (i didnt get the best grades in highschool). SO if i tell my parents, i feel like i will be throwing the dream of working in the IT field away, I will be a druggy loser/bad person to my parents, and all my friends will judge me too. (my friends all know I take adderall...a lot...but i have never came out and been like I NEED HELP) to anyone. I made an apt with a school therapist to see if they could be of any help...espeically because ive been missing a lot of classes due to my superb sleeping patterns.... but IM SCARED. At times I just want to drive home and ball to my parents and just STOP EVERYHING. This whole situation scares me and makes me feel so guilty. I read some of your guys' posts and stories, some like ashley's and kathleen's, relate to how I feel very much and i would really really appreciate any input/advice. I would love to hear everyone's and anyones repsonse to my lengthy post. If you feel like your experience really relates to mine, feel free to message me because theres a lot of things I left out and a lot of things about me and my experience that I should go into deeper. Please, anyone, talk to me ... where do I go from here? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 nosleep_ox Hay baby you have good heart I can tell Wright now you are in pain I can feel your pain thru your wreighting you do not need to tell your parents anything Wright now you can tell them after you get clean if you like. You know you need to get clean like ASAP before you end up in the hospital then foreshore your parents will find out about your adderall addiction do not be shammed of yourself it takes great character to admit you are a addicted. I think you may of scared your boyfriend away from you not you butt the fucken evil drug it changes your personality and makes you paranoid. don’t worry about love Wright now you will find another lover when you don’t expect it be patent Wright now we need to get you clean baby this is your top priority Wright now it’s a mater of loosing your soul because this is what is happening to you now. How to start I am a believer of the cold turkey ther are no health resks you jest feel like shit. I don’t think you have the control to wean your self off weaning off will take about 4 to 6 mouths of tapering down cold turkey will take 7 to 10 days you need to flush the site down the toilet and not use at all this method I call crash landing it takes about 7 to 10 days. It took me 12 days in hell to crash land you need to plan your withdrew out. I do not suggests you work or go to school because you will fell like Hell and any one around you will notice something is going on .So her is what you need to do baby girl you will need the support of a close friend a strait friend not involved in addiction issues stay home if you live alone or stay at a place where you can crash land like a friends maybe even the friend whom will be your support for the next week or so you will need some attention like soup camameal tea lots of it cammamel tea it has a calming effect it is a very mild. So drink one class every hour it will take the edge off the anxiety jest have your friend be with you for support and to make tea for you do nothing at all only what your body tells you to do and I don’t mean addeall. Sleep as long as you want stay in bed if you like you will be in no shape to do much it will take 7 to 10 days this is the first stage and the hardest stage their are two more stages butt thay are not as physical as crashing more of a mental challenge you will do it baby jest get your mind set and your ducks in a row you can do it find the Wright time give your dad a white lie like your going on a trip to visit a friend out of town for a week he dos not need to know at this point you can tell him when you are clean he will be proud of you and respect you don’t worry, I’m a old school guy I have two kids 20 and 24 If you like to talk off line in privet please do so go to profile page and leave a message it dos not go public it’s a privet message. FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 hey hey welcome to the forum.... there are a lot of people on here who can relate, who have similar stories, and who can be great sound boards. It sounds like you've gotten yourself in pretty deep and it's going to be a process, a painful and hard process, to dig yourself out... not to scare you, you know that already, no one thinks quitting and recovering is going to be easy and a skip in the park. You've lost things because of where you're at with the addy, the cigs are horrible- I was the same, I'd smoke butts out of the ashtray if I was out... so f'in gross. One thing is for certain, it is worth all the pain, discomfort, and results of stopping. It feels a fuck ton better to not be a slave to it. I'm like 10 days in I think, 180 degree difference. Look better, feel better, and it doesn't call to me anymore. I wasn't as deep in probably, and someone close to me told me I was being a dick a lot of the time when normally I'm a pretty chill and cool guy, so I googled "does adderall change my personality?" and found this forum. Talking to your parents might be a good idea. You never know how they're going to handle it. My parents are similar sounding, they're both in the medical field, were a lot more conservative when I was younger, and about 15 years ago I told them I had a big problem with a big drug. It was amazing how they stepped up and dealt with it in a way that was conducive to my stopping and recovery. So you gotta make that call, but if you find yourself saying and preying every night or morning "please today I don't want to use any adderall, please let me stop on my own..." and you're not able to, day after day after day, then it's time to get some help. I used to think of it as Coerced Help, I didn't want that, I wanted to just stop on my own, but every day I thought I would the next day, and I never did, so eventually the universe gave me coerced help and I hated it cuz I no longer had the control or power over myself that I wanted to maintain, but ultimately that was for the best... cuz I ain't doing that shit anymore..... Good on ya for searching and finding this forum, I think it's a pretty good place, good people in here, good messages.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosleep_ox Posted October 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 thanks so much you guys. just knowing there are people like you who will take the time to read others' stories and then take the time to write sincere responses, is so comforting to me and means more than you know. I literally have no one in my life right now to discuss this with - openly and honestly. So thank you so much again. Right now my plan is to try to finish out this semester to the best of my ability - not making any drastic changes until I'm done with classes. The day I get home to spend winter break is the day I plan to go on adderall free. I know what i'm in for because I'm expecting the worse. I've "quit" before but not from such high doses and not for longer than a week. I plan on sleeping A LOT and just detoxing, relaxing, and revitalizing my body and mind the best i can with out ANY work/academic responsibilities. But what if I really really struggle to recover when I'm at home and my parents ask me what the hell is wrong with me? Do I say oh im just in the process of recovering from mad adderall binges - dont worry. Or do try to be a normal person and get up at normal times and be active during the day? How do I handle being adderall free at home and not telling anyone what I'm going through? This winter break (about 30 days long) is my ONLY time I have to get my shit together. Next semester is my last semester of college and its going to be a tough one in terms of my course load...and im telling you right now there is no way in hell i will make it through if im still stuck in this adderall cycle thats currently my way of life. UGHHH I HATE IT i hate that adderall is the sole conductor of my life. Like i dont want to do anything without it. it controls my plans, my mood, my thoughts, my feelings, my appetite, MY EVERYTHING. i just wish I could remember how to function like a healthy human being without amphetamine salts. Sure, there are days here and there when i go without it (obviously not by choice), but its not THAT bad...I just get really sleepy, really often. Its not like painful to go about my day - its just I wanna sleep more than the average person..(of course sleeping is the last thing I wanna do when Im on adderall). but still - thats only ONE day. I live a day fine without with...but i always go back to it when I get some. Thinking about never taking adderall again and living my whole life without it...is...scary. Anyway----- id love to hear your insight about how to handle my winter break and how to prepare for it because you guys are pretty much my therapists right now haha.. I also am interested in your struggles, what parts about being on/off adderall did you find most difficult? so thankful to hear from you guys and I look forward to your and more members' responses. “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.†― Albert Einstein Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 Hi nosleep, I think it's a good idea to quit during your 30-day break. It will take some of the anxiety off knowing that you can just hang out and watch tv and not have to do any real work. Once you're out of school and in the real world you're not going to have convenient 30-day breaks anymore, so take advantage now. Regarding your parents, I wouldn't tell them unless you really feel you need to. If they ask why you're so tired just say you're not feeling well or you're feeling a little down and depressed. Done. It's not like you're going to be in a coma, you'll still be able to run errands and hold conversations and go to the movies and cook dinner or whatever. You won't be sleeping all the time, you'll just feel weak and crappy and hungry all the time. I hung out with my parents and went to work within days of quitting Adderall, so you will be able to go through the motions too, without anyone being the wiser. The advice I have for you, if you're serious about quitting, is to tell your doctor not to prescribe you Adderall anymore. You don't have to admit to being an addict, you can always just say the side effects are getting too bad or it's making you anxious all the time so you're going to stop taking it. This will make it feel more final and is a good step to take. If in 10 years you want to go back on Adderall, hey, you can always find another dumb doctor to prescribe it to you. The other advice I have is to not think you are going to feel better after 30 days of sobriety, because you won't. I had physical withdrawals for three months with no improvement and psychological withdrawal long after that. The first month wasn't so bad for me - I would say months 2-5 were the worst - so have proper expectations of recovery. Good luck - you can do this if you're up to the challenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 nosleep_ox Haa there girlfriend you are making the right choice winter brake would be the best time to quit adderall . Cassie and sky have a good point if you live with your parents you have no choices in the matter butt to confess to them what is really going on in your life. They will know something is wrong with you if you try to get clean on your own in secret at your parents house . I think you will get the support you need from them no parent likes to see there kid in pain they will help you get thru this jest be completely honest with them they may even suggest a detoxifying center for you. 95 % of the effort needs to be your will power to stop taking adderall no one can do it for you except yourself and your will to quit. It will not be easy for you first stage is a bitch. A little history on my story I was on 90 milg a day for 6 years. I was on xanax for 20 years 8 milg a day on top of it I was drinking on weekends. Aderall and alcohol I went cold turkey with. Xanex is not a drug you can jest stop you need to step down it took me 10 mouths to get off xanex if you get off to fast you can literally die. Any how girlfriend I been clean of all chemicals except for cigarettes for 38 days. So if this old man can do it I know you can do it also don’t worry you will feel like your dieing but you won’t it will jest be the paranoia kicking you in the ass its normal when you are at a high dos like you are. Our members are her for you post anytime you need a lift God bless your friend . THE FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 nosleep_ox Ha baby you got to be fuckin confused by now. Every one is telling you a deferent story on how to deal with your parents .Well we got one thing out of the way you disided that you will start your withdraw on your winter bracke well that’s a great idea at least you no what to look forward to when you get home . Let me give you the prospective of a parent. I have 2 kids 20 and 24 when they went away to college. I had a conversation with them I new this was the beginning of there independents so it was my duty as a father to have this talk with my kids .This is basically what I said you are now independent and the decisions you make from now on will be your own responsibility to to deal with you are out in the real world now .Butt if you ever get yourself into any kind of trouble you can count on me to Talk about strait up I will not judge you we will work it out as a family and see what our options are. I wanted to let them know they can come to me any time in there life with any problem they have. My point is do not hide anything from mom and dad they can read you like a novel honesty will never get you into trouble butt hiding something will always catch up with you in the long run. Then you are in the possession of not being trusted. So honesty is the best policy.You are not taking street drugs like heroin or metinfadamens cocaine you are on a prescription medication prescribed by a doctor everyone makes mistakes butt confesting to your mistakes gives you your character. THE FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted November 1, 2012 Report Share Posted November 1, 2012 Nosleep, Welcome to the forums. After reading your post, one thing stood out to me and that is that you're REALLY ready to give this up. It's the gift of desperation, and although it hurts like hell, it really is a gift because it's the motivation you need to quit. I remember when starting my quit I was just so sick and tired of being miserable but terrified of life without adderall. I feel for you, and I'm glad you have a plan in place. I would consider telling your parents, only because crashing off of 100-120 mgs is really rough. I slept 18 hours a day for a week or two, and I was taking similar doses. You might be surprised at the support you get, and it gives you accountability. I'm really pulling for you. You can and will do this....just take care of yourself, stay connected with support systems. The anticipatory anxiety of quitting was almost worse than the actual quitting. It's a rough road, but it does get better....hang in there. Message me anytime! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted November 1, 2012 Report Share Posted November 1, 2012 Okay yes, if you're sleeping for18 hours a day, you may need to clue your parents in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted November 1, 2012 Report Share Posted November 1, 2012 CassieHI there I am somewhat a newbie on this forum and Cassie I don’t know your history. I know one thing everyone is so frikin paranoid into filling out the profile page with a little more detail its like I’m corresponding with a ghost most of the time. People please a little more information about your self’s it makes a deferent’s the only thing I Know about you Cassie is that you are a female I am sensing a little sarcasm coming from you am I right or am I jest reading you wrong. Every one has there own circumstances of how they will react to withdral depends on how much adderall they are taking and for how long they where on the shit these factors determine on how bad the person will react to there withdraw presses.It is only logical that NOSLEEP will have a difficult time with her withdraw jest by reading her post she had a loud cry out for some help and her history of using adderall is a hight useg 120 mlag. + is a lot of shit to be on . This is very high dos to be on two times the amount that is recommended by the manufacture of the shit adderall the recommend highest dos is no more then 60 milg per day. So I am assuming the worst cases for NOSLEEP logic tells me she will have a very difficult crash landing and she will not be able to hid her emotions and the depression associated with the withdraw presses from her parents. She will need the support of her parents if she plans on withdrawing at her parents home. Jest like when you are a child with a bad cases of the flu and you are in bed for 3 4 5 days incapacitated your parents took chair of you did thay not the same thing applies her family is family for life . FALCON 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosleep_ox Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Well last night I went to bed around 4 am and slept until 10 pm.... Haven't quit yet but I'm worried I won't be able to make it until winter break at my current state if use... My roomates are "worried for me" according to my friend. I'm embarrassed and I just wanna cry. I can't tell my roomates what I'm going through because they all gossip amongst each other and I know they'll judge me. I'm trying to make it until winter break when I will really quit but it just seems like too long to keep going how I'm going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Baby you need to relax your self a little . You are so full of anxiety it’s from the adderall . Man I am worried about you also try not to us as much adderall Wright now jest use it when you got classes or you need to study don’t worry about your sousal life Wright now and don’t say shit to your friends because people love the fuckin gussip they live for that shit. jest stay clear from all the bull shit with your friends. When you get clean from adderall you will see everything in a deferent light you will see trust me I tell it the way it is. FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted November 3, 2012 Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 I agree with Falcon. The stuff makes you feel like you're going to lose it. It sounds to me like it's the paranoia caused from adderall. You have reasonable concern, but you'll be fine if you stick to your quitting plan. I know it's hard, but try not to worry so much about what other people think. I can almost guarantee you'll care half as much, if at all, about their opinion's after you're sober from adderall. This stuff makes you hyper sensitive about everything...just another reason to quit! Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
startingover Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Why do I feel like we came out of the same cookie-cutter... EVERYTHING is the same except for the cigs. Right down to the dude situation, mother, weight and height. Are you starting to wean off the dosage a little bit? I took 100mgs today and was only slightly productive. Feel like such a druggie. I'm going to start taking less each day until I get down to 5 mgs STARTING NOW. Turn it into a game, maybe it'll be easier that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 startingover Hey baby you are in deep shit why do you want to make a game out of quitting adderall you will not win the game the drug will beet you like its doing right now you can try to cut down your dose it will most likely not work for you .I can read into your righting you are in trouble .The adderall has got your soul your not a druggy. You where prescribed adderall from a doctor it is a very addictive drug and like with any drug you begin to have a tolerance issue even on aspirin .I was under the summation you where going home for winter brake and go cold turkey at your parents home is this not what you have decided to do or am I misunderstanding you .Listen up girlfriend stick whit your plan do the best you can at school right now use the shit only for your classes and for studding and jest sleep when your not doing schoolwork .You will not beet adderall with playing a game with it. Adderall is stronger then you and us it will win the play every time so keep to your plain of gutting during your winter brake you need to tell your parents strait up what is going un with you they are not stupid they can read you like a novel and they already know something is going wrong with you from your phone conversations with them. So be strait up with your parents you will get there support trust me I am a parent .You will have a very hared time your first two weeks crashing is a real bitch its not a game its your life your playing with you cant play with this drug its got your soul you must leave this drug behind you that’s how your going to win in the long run so get your mind set its like getting into a really cold pool you jest need to jump in and get use to the water it’s a shock to you at first butt do you not get use to the cold water once you jump into it yes your body adjusts to the cold tempter of the cold water’s. If you what to play your game with adderall play it on your winter brake when you can detoxify and do your withdraw at the comforts of your home. Sorry for being hard on you butt you needed to hear it strait up not sugar coded. Your friend FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosleep_ox Posted November 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 HEY GUYS.. okay so just wanted to update you on my weekend at home --- Saturday and Sunday I didn't take ANY adderall...besides sleeping late into the day, after I actually got up I felt relatively good. I ate a ton but it felt like heaven. I went shopping and out to eat and saw a movie...and today I actually got up BEFORE NOON!? and wasnt even tired.... has anyone out there ever NOT have a terrible experience with withdrawal coming from 100 ish mg / day? And yeah i took adderall today because I had to make the drive back to school. Winter break is when i'm all-out quitting but this past weekend definitely eased my nerves about quitting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unod1a Posted November 15, 2012 Report Share Posted November 15, 2012 Sorry for leaving a short response but i have a shit ton of studying..wouldn't be a problem if i was doing what i was doing 6 months ago but that lfife is behind. i study 8 hours to learn what i used to learn in 3 hours but again, past life. I will tell you one thing, your parents will love you no matter what!! I know it is un-original but yes they will be disappointed, yes they will be mad at you but trust me, adderall addiction will take you down a deep dark path and you might do something you never thought you would do. Trust me, your parents will understand if you tell them EVERYTHING. No amount of money/career is worth your real self. You have lost yourself, but like me and others on here, you can find yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosleep_ox Posted June 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2013 Helloooo everyone - (this turned out to be a tad more lengthy than anticipated ) It's been a while since my last post on here, I think I left off back in nov/dec when I really felt myself slipping, up to 100-120 mg a day and basically just trying to figure out how to fix my situation. I haven't gone back to reread my last update but I think I probably talked about how/if I should tell my parents, how to go about continuing college classes while quitting, etc etc. Even though I see that my last post was on a positive note, things have no looked up for me since then. In a nutshell - I was fortunate enough to get all of my absences from class erased so I finished first semester with all B's, planning on getting my health in check over winter break and see my old therapist. During winter break, I continued the adderall at home, running through my script of 60 twenty-mg tabs in about a week/week in a hald. I also saw my old therapist who I used to see for anxiety, but she wasn't any help at all and seemed to lack any sort of knowledge in terms of adderall addiction/abuse. At this point, my parents knew I was struggling in a general sense, since I was seeing my therapist - but I didn't tell them any specifics as for the drug abuse/addiction, so they were just aware that I wasn't have an easy time dealing with whatever... Time for second semester! Completely unprepared to say the least - I should have never enrolled in classes and taken a break to REALLY get healthy...but nope. It's hard for me to actually remember the beginning of the semester but I know within the first week I was emailing my teachers about missing classes. From mid January to May, the all-nighters were a usual for me, I made a habbit of isolating myself from all of my roomates (I lived with 4 girls and our 5 best guy friends lived in the front portion of the duplex) so basically I made myself have no social life and turned into the roommate who was never around and always sleeping and whatever else. I wasted potentially one of the best years of my life, senior in college living with all of my closest friends - all for fucking adderall. The worst part is that the entire semester I would cry about that very fact but just let it continue that way. Nearing the end of the year, I was so cracked out and depressed at the same time that I would stay up all night and day working on papers or assignments due for my classes, but I would never finish in time, so I wouldn't even end up going to the class. I know it's fucking INSANE, i have ten page papers saved on my computer for a class I never even went to the day to turn in. Idk if you get this, but after staying up all night allllllll the time, when the mornings roll around and it's time to start the day, my brain tweeks out and I get too much anxiety about actually going to class and I get kinda paranoid like making sure i;m still functioning like a normal person. By this time I had told my parents because I was so distraught and just all over the place emotionally. They were very sympathetic and concerned for my well-being totally not the old disciplinarians I was used to in high school. My sprial downwards ended with F's in all four of my classes - 7 courses still needing completion for graduation, and probably the health of an 85 year old.. flash forward to now: my parents think i've been off my adderall since end of April. we had talked about the plan being after that semester ended, I would come home and spend all summer getting healthy. I don't thinkt they know much about adderall addiction/abuse, but they said they had been reading on it...so who knows what they actually think. Unfortunately, I gave in and filled my next script for May because I just couldn't not fill it, I still had the papers. I get a refill on Sunday..... If you're still reading this I am so appreciative that someone is hearing me out, I know that was just a big jumbled summary of my situation, but my main point is that i really don't know what to do. i have no idea who i am anymore or how to feel comfortable enough in my own skin just to get through the day. The days/weeks I don't have adderall the past few months, all I do is sleep, eat, and watch tv. any kind of mental/physical engagement is just uncomfortable and exhausting. I never expected to find myself dealing with this type of addiction problem, and it's so scary for me, knowing that I could potentially really fuck up the rest of my life because of now. I just want to be healthy mentally and physically like a 22 year old girl should be, but i cant stop working against myself! Again, if you're still with me here - thank you so much for spending your valuable time reading about my life and struggle. If you feel like you can relate to any part of my experience and/or my attempts to explain how i'm feeling right now, your response would be so helpful for me right now. I feel like my once familiar reality, my sense of self, is just in pieces right now and I have no idea how to return to normal and live a fulfilling life, adderall-free. Thanks guys I am SO thankful for anyone's thoughts ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted June 5, 2013 Report Share Posted June 5, 2013 Hey girl, Obviously you are at the point of no return. You have to quit. Otherwise what will happen, you'll go back to school and pull the another semester of all nighters, sleeping away the day, not turning in papers, and failing all your classes? Even if you manage to finish school, that lifestyle will not cut it in the real world when you have to show up at your job and do work during the day. The good news is, quitting adderall will improve your life in so many ways. You will feel better about yourself, healthier, more alert during the day, you will start exercising and socializing. It will probably make you a BETTER student. Check out Occasional01's post in the other forum called "I will finish this project TODAY." She got better grades this semester without adderall than she ever did while taking adderall. Here is some other advice: 1. Before you quit, you need to cut off your source to adderall. This week, call your doctor and tell her to not prescribe you any more adderall under any circumstances. Then you can go get that last script refilled and use it up, or tear it up now. Either way, when you're done you're done. You can't have that script lying around, it's too tempting and too easy access. 2. I can tell you really want to quit, but it sounds like you need some accountability beyond just yourself. You might consider telling your parents so they can support you while you quit over the summer. Every day you just have to wake up and NOT take adderall that day. Even if you feel crappy or tired, remind yourself that you are one day closer to feeling truly alive and healthy. If you quit now you will definitely be in decent shape by the time school starts again in the fall. Think of it as a goal: to be as healthy and grounded as possible by September. Believe me, relapsing is NOT worth it because it will only set you back in your progress towards that goal. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyper_critical Posted June 7, 2013 Report Share Posted June 7, 2013 Hey No, I'm reticent to offer advice but I can speak from experience. I was prescribed Adderall before my sophomore year of college. That was the start of a prolonged love affair with the drug. I'm not going to say it ended in tears: that would have been too easy. I lived to use and used to live. I was powerless over my addiction, and my life had become unmanageable. Even after OD'ing on several occasions, I continued to use 100-150mgs daily (sometimes more, especially near the end) to help me get through my day. I would regularly get by on cat naps for days or weeks at a time, and had a convenient excuse/reason to do it (I traded currencies at a hedge fund...fx is 'open' 24/6). I got lucky: a series of events transpired that made my parents and younger brother, who I'm close to, aware of my problems with Adderall. I knew I needed help but didn't know where to turn. Thank God they found out and pushed hard for me to go to rehab. I wasn't thinking clearly on the drug, which I didn't realize until I had a few weeks off it. If you don't know what to do, ask the people in your life who care about you for help. You're not invincible: this stuff will kill you. I'll pray that you take that last sentence seriously. I feel your pain. It's not hopeless. We do recover. H-C 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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