Relapse...

[MikeyB1ue]

Ok, This is going to be a long read and pretty dramatic, but it's my first time talking about all this to anyone and expressing myself in this way, so i'm going all in.

I don't even know where to begin. I've never been addicted to anything in my life, I would have never imagined myself becoming so weak and submissive to this drug. I was always so strong minded and motivated, always reaching for more, if I didn't like how something in my life was going I would work until I changed it(maybe this is how my addiction started). This was before I started using adderall, about 2 and a half years ago. These past 2 and a half years have completely changed me, in so many ways.

My start with adderall was Junior year in college. During this time my social life was huge. Pretty much every night of the week, except for nights I had to study for exams, I was out hanging with people. Up to this point in my life I was always extremely sociable, fit into any group, and had large friend bases. I was confident, didn't think too much into things(over analyze), and was able to enjoy just sitting around doing nothing but b.s.ing with some friends(Something so simple I once took for granted now is a task). Ok, now my adderall introduction. I picked some up for studying and it worked like magic. I realized that I could learn all the material for an exam in 1-2 nights with adderall. So I made a habit of it, not giving a damn about learning anything in my classes up until a day or 2 before the exam and then cramming it all in with adderall. This eventually led to taking it while out at night at the bars or clubs, made me feel like I was in the movie limitless. So my grades were going up, I was studying less, and I felt amazing. It seemed like everything was going great, but what I wasn't able to see at the time was how bad my relationship w my g/f at the time was getting ( we were going out for 2 yrs prior to this), and also how my attitude at work was changing( b/c usually when I went to work I was crashing)

Now lets fast forward to my senior year. So me and my g/f broke up a couple months earlier, my adderall addiction is getting worse(I don't have a script for it but I buy this kids entire script every month), and im starting to drift a bit from my friends.

Now let's fast forward to the next year, I graduate but end up staying in my college town for another year bc i'm bartending and making a lot of money, I've never lived without a roommate before but this year I decide to live by myself. Now i've drifted even further from my friends, I spend less time hanging out with people and more time just hanging at my house on the computer or doing something by myself. Eventually I fall into bad relations with my boss, and end up quitting/getting fired and leave town to live back with my parents.

Now lets fast forward a few months to present time. These past few months back at my parents have been absolute hell. I ended up getting my own script for adderall when I moved back here. Since moving back I feel like I developed a bit of social anxiety and also feel socially awkward at times. This, along with the lack of motivation and lethargy when not on adderall has been crippling me from progressing with my life. A few weeks ago I finally picked up a crappy job, but im slowly screwing it up. I've been trying to quit the adderall, I make it a week, 2 weeks, maybe a little longer, them BAM I go right back into it and it puts me back into zombie mode again.

The worst part about this whole thing is I realize how bad this drug is messing up my life, my social abilities, family, friends, work, and on top of all this my hair has been thinning noticeably and my teeth have shifted a bit, I see ALL this, and I know the cause of it, yet I still manage to make reasons for taking more of it. Something has to change.

If you actually read all that, thank you. It felt good getting that all out.

[FALCON]

MikeyB1ue

Hey brother you are not of week character you are on a very potent nerve stimulant it is a battle trying to quit adderall you where two weeks clean and you went back on the shit it jest shows you how potent adderall is.

as you already experienced adderall will slowly rub your soul and make you go into zombie mode. All the symptoms you are having is typical of the long term use of this shit we all go thru it and this is why our members quit using this shit we have all reached the point you are in now this is why we all decided to get clean you cant live your life with adderall it will roub you bro you got thru your college so be don with adderall you are in the work force it sounds like this fucked up adderall is fucking up your carrier so my brother make your mind up for once and for all to quit taking adderall you cant stop and start the shit like a seesaw this will only cause you more discomfort there is no easy way bro it will take grate will power and about 1 year of real recovery this web site will help you when your mind is made up to quit using adderall. The ball is in your court now take the bulls by the horn before the shit will destroy your life relationships and your carrier. Its never to late you can do it jest get in the right mind set and make the commitment I know you can do it don’t drag it out get your life back under your control you will be happy again please believe me brother good luck FALCAN

[Greg]

congratz on taking the first step.

let me try to put this in a scary way, to maybe help motivate you through this -

Your brain is no longer producing chemicals like dopamine naturally, you are relying on a pill to do that for you. You are messing up your head. Dont worsen this problem!

[StartingOver3]

I took 30 mg XR for about 3 years, right around the same time frame as you, and I have a feeling you and I are about the same age. Please listen to me, Adderall has you under its spell. When you started taking it, it was so new and awesome that you started to believe that you had to have it to do everything. After a few years, tons of benders, taking way more than prescribed, and countless stretches of days where you didn't sleep, Adderall has completely left you confused about who you really even are as a person. None of this will go away if you choose to stay on the drug. The road to recovery is rough, but every day you abstain, the light at the end of the tunnel gets a little bit brighter. Read my story if you haven't, I'm 28 days clean now, and there ain't no way I'm going back. There were some down days, especially during the first two weeks, but now I can feel my old self coming back. I've gotta tell ya man, you won't regret it. Addy cost me my girlfriend of three years and a lot of my friends, but the pieces of my life are starting to fall back together. "Get rid of your vices, life is full of real spices, that will bring you great surprises, time to stop being so lifeless"

[MikeyB1ue]

Thanks for the support guys. And startingover3, I know exactly how you feel about the addie leaving me completely confused about who I really am. It's like a constant battle in your head, pretty much going to war with yourself on who you are. But i'm 2 weeks clean now and starting to feel somewhat "normal" again, hopefully this lasts. Good luck to you all as well.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

People here are really encouraging and will stand by you as you detox, struggle, relapse or get frustrated with yourself. Really, it's an amazing forum. Rely on them/us; you will probably need to if you don't have a strong support network that you feel you can trust right now.

All is not lost -- but take it from experience, the longer you're on the drug, the longer the recovery, so if you quit now you'll be on your way to regaining the person you (and everyone else around you) liked and appreciated. Leave it too much longer and you risk neurotoxicity, long patches of depression as your brain regenerates, and all the ugly ugly things that go along with abuse.

You didn't mention how much you've been taking? Are you sticking to your script or wanting/needing to go on binges? This can make a big difference in the long run.

[MikeyB1ue]

People here are really encouraging and will stand by you as you detox, struggle, relapse or get frustrated with yourself. Really, it's an amazing forum. Rely on them/us; you will probably need to if you don't have a strong support network that you feel you can trust right now.

All is not lost -- but take it from experience, the longer you're on the drug, the longer the recovery, so if you quit now you'll be on your way to regaining the person you (and everyone else around you) liked and appreciated. Leave it too much longer and you risk neurotoxicity, long patches of depression as your brain regenerates, and all the ugly ugly things that go along with abuse.

You didn't mention how much you've been taking? Are you sticking to your script or wanting/needing to go on binges? This can make a big difference in the long run.

My cycle for the past few months have been like so: I usually binge, then ween myself off for a week, then stay off it for 2-3 weeks, then right as I start feeling "good", BAM, the cycle starts again.

I ended up breaking my clean streak and taking some yesturday and saturday, but compared to what I normally take when relapsing it was nothing and, besides feeling cloudy minded today, I have no craving for it whatsoever.

[quit-once]

You call that relapsing?? I see it as persuing your addiction...with restraint.

[sky]

You call that relapsing?? I see it as persuing your addiction...with restraint.

+1

Good job on coming back here I guess, I'd say 90% of the Tell Your Story stories are folks who want to quit, post their story, then never come back cuz they keep using... I do wish folks would stop talking about using adderall, trying to use it responsibly "I'm just going to take 10mg a day..." ugh, I mean, how does posting that help them or help anyone on here? This is the Quitting Adderall forum, not the I'm gonna learn to be responsible with adderall forum... Kind of defeats the purpose of posting encouraging replies when all that is posted on here... I mean, if the intent is to quit adderall, then anything goes, including relapse, but even the relapse posts shouldn't be so flip and "Hey I relapsed and took a shit ton of adderall, but whatevs, I'm good" cuz how does that help anyone?? There is no examination of what led up to it, where things broke down, what others might do to avoid those situations, etc.... just a bunch of free passes to chip (use a little here and there), relapse, try to be responsible by taking only a little instead of a lot (seriously?!) etc... What I'm saying is that this is a community, we're here to get help and help, and none of that seems very helpful...

[MikeyB1ue]

You call that relapsing?? I see it as persuing your addiction...with restraint.

Isn't it practicely the same?

from wiki: relapse- is resuming the use of a drug or a chemical substance after one or more periods of abstinence.

No hate, I know your just trying to help.

+1

Good job on coming back here I guess, I'd say 90% of the Tell Your Story stories are folks who want to quit, post their story, then never come back cuz they keep using... I do wish folks would stop talking about using adderall, trying to use it responsibly "I'm just going to take 10mg a day..." ugh, I mean, how does posting that help them or help anyone on here? This is the Quitting Adderall forum, not the I'm gonna learn to be responsible with adderall forum... Kind of defeats the purpose of posting encouraging replies when all that is posted on here... I mean, if the intent is to quit adderall, then anything goes, including relapse, but even the relapse posts shouldn't be so flip and "Hey I relapsed and took a shit ton of adderall, but whatevs, I'm good" cuz how does that help anyone?? There is no examination of what led up to it, where things broke down, what others might do to avoid those situations, etc.... just a bunch of free passes to chip (use a little here and there), relapse, try to be responsible by taking only a little instead of a lot (seriously?!) etc... What I'm saying is that this is a community, we're here to get help and help, and none of that seems very helpful...

I agree with you and my intentions are far from trying to be "responsible" with adderall, I want to be done with it.

I want to help others just as much as myself. What led to this episode? I guess it was expected, since for the past several months I have been making it to this point then binging and coasting. So my primary goal wasn't to see how long I could go without taking any and trying to fully quite, It was to substantially cut down the amount taken and duration of this reoccurance.(the amount I took this time was equivalent to 1/3 what I normally take and lasted for 2 days compared to 7-10)

I'm not happy I took it, but I am glad that I'm starting to have some control on it and that my body isn't craving it.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I've been trying to quit the adderall, I make it a week, 2 weeks, maybe a little longer, them BAM I go right back into it and it puts me back into zombie mode again.

So my primary goal wasn't to see how long I could go without taking any and trying to fully quite, It was to substantially cut down the amount taken and duration of this reoccurance.

Sorry Mickey, but I'm going to call you on it. You're contradicting yourself. If you want to quit, you have to PLAN to quit, take the time you need to recover, and never plan ever to take it again.

Adderall is an extremely addictive drug - stating the obvious - and the body builds tolerance very quickly. Even taking a "break" for months after being addicted to high doses is not going to do much, as your body has to begin producing and releasing normal amounts of dopamine BY ITSELF, and it hasn't been doing that for years. Do your brain a favor and give it a little bit of a break.... allow it to heal itself rather than going through a punishing ordeal of flooding it with too much dopamine then starving it altogether.

[quit-once]

Mikey B,

I am good with the Wiki definition of relapse cuz wiki is never wrong. But it says nothing of addiction in that definition.

The definition of addiction is the inability to stop a harmful behavior despite great personal cost.

How can you stop repeating your relapsing behavior?

Does the cost need to go up?

Do you believe that your continued adderall use is harmful behavior?

[gonzo]

I'm relapsing too. Right now. This week. After a few months of depression / weight gain / unemployment / lack of motivation to find a job, here I am, familiar territory, feeling "good", eating much less, staying up all night, re-organizing my apartment, and finally feeling properly nervous about my lack of employment.

Oh, and smoking again. And not smiling.

Blah. I think I need to see a therapist.

[quit-once]

Gonzo, how long was your break from using/abusing adderall? Are you back to your prior level of usage yet?

[gonzo]

Gonzo, how long was your break from using/abusing adderall? Are you back to your prior level of usage yet?

3-4 months. Not total abstinance, but far far less (occation-specific use only, e.g. sometimes before a late-night performance; probably 5 or 6 times total). Before 'quitting', it was 30-60mg/day every day.

I've been taking 10-20mg/day the past week or so.

[quit-once]

OK. Since it was not total abstinence I would downplay the significance of your "relapse". You never really gave it up for good, in your mind, anyway. What do you think it will take to change that mindset to where you are so repulsed by adderall and all it does to you that you would leave it behind forever? Were there any consequences or bad effects other than the addiction itself when you were using at 30-60 mg daily?

[gonzo]

OK. Since it was not total abstinence I would downplay the significance of your "relapse". You never really gave it up for good, in your mind, anyway. What do you think it will take to change that mindset to where you are so repulsed by adderall and all it does to you that you would leave it behind forever?

I don't know. I've never given *anything* up for "good" before. I had a stint of significant opiate addiction (40-80mg of oxycodone/day) and I got so sick of the laziness, constipation and malaise that I quit... and though I'll still indulge occationally, I'm really not quite afraid of a full-blown relapse (and it hasn't happened; this was a number of years ago).

I think the difference here is... with opiates, I'm always left feeling "ugh, that was horrible". With adderall it's sometimes more like "ugh, that was excellent, look at all I did".

Were there any consequences or bad effects other than the addiction itself when you were using at 30-60 mg daily?

This might qualify as "the addiction itself", but -- the empty, horrible, hollow feeling when I'd stop for a few days, especially when reflecting upon the way that I treated other people.

Alienating friends with impunity, not forming "real" close connections with others, and huge problems with relationships/intimacy. Insomnia. Feeling anxious all the time. Obsessing over social minutae and imperfections. Missing obligations due to 1) crashing out, or 2) feeling so self-important as to not even care. Never preparing for the future. Passing up on a really good job prospect because I dominated the interview and felt like I could "do better".

[quit-once]

Christ, I feel like a therapist and I am certainly not one. OK, back to question #1. Think outside of the drug box. Are there any habbits or other behaviors that you have permanantly absconded from? Have you ever ended a relationship with an intent of permanance? Have people close to your ever died? Just trying to get you do do some soul searching to get your mind in a quitting forever mentality, if that is possible at this point. Do the bad things adderall makes you do to other people outweigh the feeling of "that was excellent, look at all I did"?

[ashley6]

Quit-once,

I think you could consider yourself a therapist on this site. I just nominated you

[sky]

not for nothing but is that sort of realization one that can be induced, or does everyone have to come to that conclusion by their own round about way?? I mean, it's like a switch that has to be flipped inside, and only we as keepers of that switch can flip it... I think we can keep each other motivated to keep on keeping on, trudge thru the difficult days of recovery while building a new self, but can we ever convince people or help to convince themselves to flip that switch? remember being in the midst of using, if people tried to talk to us about it it was "uh huh" "yeah" "sure" bla bla bla, like charlie browns parents... I mean, it doesn't work. I'm not sure what compels people to come to this site when they're taking adderall again, or write posts about quitting while on adderall, its selfish and self serving, the fact that it might help others to realize we're much better off now is purely coincidental and subjective judgement. If people truly aren't ready to stop, they're not ready to stop. They have to realize themselves how fucked up things have gotten, how much they've lost, how much damage has been done in order to want to stop, or to even be able to listen and hear what others are saying to encourage them to make that decision to quit.

Hey gonzo, why do you come to these boards? Not that you're not welcome or free to do so or whatever, but what is the compulsion to want to surround yourself with people who are all in various stages of recovering from adderall abuse? If you're convinced that you can easily live in that space between using freely with no regret or sense of consequences & not using at all and happy to be doing so (in a loose sense of happiness, or not), why hang out here? Is there a seed planted within you that says what you're doing isn't the best idea? I don't get it.

[FALCON]

quit-once

Hey my brother what makes a good therapist is it the the books. No in my opinion it thru life experience and you have it brother. SO I night you quitting adderall therapist GOD SPEED .

Thank you for being a thru friend

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hey Gonzo,

I think I can relate to that feeling... "once an addict always an addict". My father was and is an alcoholic, as was his father before him, and I have struggled with one addiction or another most of my adult life, its just some addictions are more socially acceptable and some have nicer byproducts (ie workaholism!). But it's still addiction, and you said it yourself, ruins your relationships, takes over your life, has negative downstream impacts on your ability to cope with life. Addiction is part of who I am as a person, I have to learn to accept that, let the gremlins have their say and then give them the day off and get on with it. Easier said than done (see other post I put on the board today!).

I've also been to a lot of therapists in my life and the best, most effective therapist I ever had reminded me that if you take something away, you have to replace it with something else.

What could replace adderall for you that might be less damaging to your mental and physical health? I'm not saying you have to immediately switch addictions, but it's worth being realistic.

[gonzo]

Christ, I feel like a therapist and I am certainly not one.

Your words definitely help, and are duly appreciated.

OK, back to question #1. Think outside of the drug box. Are there any habbits or other behaviors that you have permanantly absconded from? Have you ever ended a relationship with an intent of permanance?

(Sadly?) No, and no. Perhaps this is at the root of my problem(s).

Have people close to your ever died?

Yes. But that was out of my control; not a decision I had to make.

Just trying to get you do do some soul searching to get your mind in a quitting forever mentality, if that is possible at this point.

I see what you're saying. And I totally agree (and the facts unambiguously support) that I never really "quit" forever. Just got disgusted enough to stop using daily.

Do the bad things adderall makes you do to other people outweigh the feeling of "that was excellent, look at all I did"?

The bad things I have done? Yes. I think so. But I keep falling into the trap of, "but it's helped me do GOOD things for people too." and "I know other people on Adderall who seem very able to handle it".

[gonzo]

I'm not sure what compels people to come to this site when they're taking adderall again, or write posts about quitting while on adderall, its selfish and self serving,

Sorry -- I wish I was in a better place to be less "self serving" but I'm an addict, depressed, and struggling with the psychology and dissonance of my addiction.

I didn't realize this was only a place for those that were doing "well" in their struggle.

I actually decided to post because I read "I'd say 90% of the Tell Your Story stories are folks who want to quit, post their story, then never come back cuz they keep using". That was me.

If people think that these types of posts are harmful to the community and are hurting others' efforts to stay clean.. I'll stay away.

Hey gonzo, why do you come to these boards? Not that you're not welcome or free to do so or whatever, but what is the compulsion to want to surround yourself with people who are all in various stages of recovering from adderall abuse? If you're convinced that you can easily live in that space between using freely with no regret or sense of consequences & not using at all and happy to be doing so (in a loose sense of happiness, or not), why hang out here? Is there a seed planted within you that says what you're doing isn't the best idea? I don't get it.

I'm NOT convinced of this, at ALL. What's so confusing? That I'm *struggling* with the concept of "is this good? is this bad?"?

I started my post with "I'm relapsing" and ended with "Blah. I think I need to see a therapist."

That it was pointed out to me that "hey, man, if you're still using sometimes, you haven't really quit?" gave me serious pause and something to contemplate.

The site is called QUITTING aderall, not I QUIT adderall.

I wish I could be an inspiration to you, man, but I'm just not there.

[gonzo]

Hey Gonzo,

I think I can relate to that feeling... "once an addict always an addict". My father was and is an alcoholic, as was his father before him, and I have struggled with one addiction or another most of my adult life, its just some addictions are more socially acceptable and some have nicer byproducts (ie workaholism!). But it's still addiction, and you said it yourself, ruins your relationships, takes over your life, has negative downstream impacts on your ability to cope with life. Addiction is part of who I am as a person, I have to learn to accept that, let the gremlins have their say and then give them the day off and get on with it. Easier said than done (see other post I put on the board today!).

I've also been to a lot of therapists in my life and the best, most effective therapist I ever had reminded me that if you take something away, you have to replace it with something else.

What could replace adderall for you that might be less damaging to your mental and physical health? I'm not saying you have to immediately switch addictions, but it's worth being realistic.

That's a good point. It's like Adderall is just a manifestation of this "addiction" drive, and one with some very confusing cost/benefits (vs something like alcohol or opiates).

Exercise, perhaps?