Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt

[TechnoGoddess]

I've wanted to post on here for a while. I think I found this site a few years ago and have read many of the articles from Mike.

Obviously, this means that I am at an impasse that I'm having trouble clearing and therefore have concluded that I need some help getting through it. I've only taken one pill today, so I'm not amped up like usual, and thinking clearly enough to reach out.

Some background: like most other adderall abusers, I have a prescription, and I have taken it for many years. The first pill I took was recreationally when my boyfriend at the time was tired of hearing me complain that I was tired during a long road trip. He decided he wanted me alert as well for the upcoming boutique clothing convention we were heading to. This was probably 7 years ago. He gave me half a pill, so it was only 5mg, and it was an instant match made in heaven. Nope, wasn't tired anymore, nor was I incensed by the idea that we were still several hours from our destination. It was the beginning of a long love affair with the deliciously destructive substance that I am still in the midst of, except I want out of this relationship. My relationship with that man ended several years ago, but I had quickly gone to see his doctor and get a prescription for my own adderall.

It all started out cliché enough. I wouldn't take it everyday, hardly took the full 60mg/day dose, had ample extra and tended to only use it for study nights, book reports and when I'd be running the door at my boyfriend's electronic music events. I would go all night, fluttering here and there like a titanium butterfly; indestructible and fascinating. My personable reputation soared.

I don't know at what point I started taking the full dose every day and then upping the dose. I do know that after some time it seemed I couldn't come down at the end of the day and I started drinking to knock myself out. Shortly, I had a physical dependence on alcohol. This contributed to a major meltdown and annihilated my relationship with my then boyfriend as well as my mother (whom I've always had issues with). I haven't spoken to my mom in about four years (well, one message on Facebook a year ago.... but those are deeper skeletons than this topic right now).

I moved to a new city, found another doctor, and have been going to him for my prescription for three years. Fast forward to the last few months: I quit my very difficult soul-sucking job four months ago and started and completed my first round of P90x (extreme home fitness with weight-lifting!), which has changed my life dramatically. I also quit drinking two months ago. But what I haven't quit is adderall. I've quit drinking before, and had to admit myself of my own volition into detox to quit the first time because of withdrawals. But even in detox I was administered my adderall.

I also have depression and am bi-polar. Recently, my doc increased my dosage of Lamictal and added Abilify to it. That helped tremendously for about a month. I didn't feel the insatiable cravings to overdo the adderall. But then my brain chemistry leveled out and I'm right back to taking four to five pills a day (prescription is 3x20 mg/day or 60 mg/day).

My biggest predicament is that I have to find a job soon. I've been looking and have had interviews, but no bites yet. My fragile state of mind is beginning to resurface and my self esteem is plumetting, which is directly in relation to my dwindling supply of adderall.

I've been so happy the last few months taking better care of myself, but I know there is still one monumentally gigantic obstacle to overcome before I can really transform my life; I have to quit adderall. The second I begin thinking about it, I freeze. My addictive mind takes over instead, and the stress of the idea of quitting this drug shuts my conscious mind down and I wind up overtaking it to calm me down and cause me to focus on anything other than this daunting task. I'm already four days short for the end of my prescription that I'm getting refilled December 17.

The hardest part about facing this right now is that I need to be in top mental order for any new job that comes along. I haven't worked anywhere without the aid of adderall since I started taking it 7 years ago. I am terrified that I won't be able to make it through even a week at a new place without completely becoming overwhelmed.

So, I already do a few things that are positive: I work out, I eat healthy, I sleep enough, I take supplements and I'm on antidepressants. I even own The Artist's Way, though when I'm off adderall, I find it nearly impossible to read and engage in the text. What I don't have is other people who identify with my struggle with adderall. The people in my life simply don't understand the grip it has on my mind and body because they've never taken it or come to depend on it. They don't know what I'm like off of it, or they do, they just haven't come to the realization that those times I don't answer my phone because I'm still sleeping are when I'm off the drug. And those are the times I'm grungy and unkempt and eat until I feel like I'm going to puke.

So, I'm finally posting here. Because I know some of you are just like me and have gone through what I am going through and have faced the realization that adderall is the next addiction to overcome. Somehow it is more daunting than quitting cigarettes and alcohol, both of which were majorly difficult, but I beat them. How do I beat a drug that makes me better at mundane tasks and therefore makes me employable in most jobs? How did I take that first step, and what is the first step? How do you maintain it? What do you do if you're starting a new job and can't really be kicking a “meth†addiction at the same time? Or CAN you do that? I already know most of the answers, but I am afraid to face them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Defunct]

Well written.

There are many reasons I could spout about why you should quit and not rely on adderall to get you through your job interviews, make you (what you perceive to be) more employable, make you feel more confident or whatever.

But I think someone else on this forum said it themselves - you won't give up until you believe that the fear of being on adderall is greater than the fear of being off it. I just hope that happens before you ruin your whole life; as it seems like you're young and have a lot of it ahead of you.

You've clearly got enough self awareness to pay attention to the still, small voice in your head that is encouraging you to be kind to yourself and stay off amphetamines... i really hope you have enough self respect to listen...

Be safe, and be gentle with yourself...

[FALCON]

Sorry for the late response hello and welcome I have read your post her is my opinion for what its worth. Your looking for work now and your scared you will not be able to perform your new job without adderall you are probably Wright you wont be functional if you do the cold turkey meted you need to crash land which means do nothing butt eat sleep and do supplements and jest baby your self because no joke it’s a ruff 7 to 10 days when you finally feel some relief . You said you will be 4 days short this month so if you are 100% commended in quitting adderall right now hers what you need to do you need to start stepping down your does Cut your 20milg pills in half go down to 40 milagrames per day space your does every 2 to 3 hours you then should have pills to last you to your next refill on dec 17 be honest with tour doctor tell them you are stepping down and you what to quit the adderall Reduce 5 milg every week intell you get to 0 milg you will be a littele tierd butt you will get thru it jest fine drink red bull.

THE FALCON

[Defunct]

Denial,

I just re-read your post. You sound like you've been through hell. And if I am thinking rightly, like you just don't like yourself very much.

I kept thinking as I was reading how clearly you were painting a picture of your background and circumstances; that you really downplay the shit you've been dealt and are dealing with, and how much you've accomplished... you quit smoking AND drinking? Wow! You did P90X? Holy crap that's hard (I did 3 workouts and quit as my heart couldn't deal while I was on adderall)! You were admitted although clearly you're not a crazy person? That is A LOT to deal with in the last few years.

I think you have a lot going for you, and it's going to take a lot of inner strength to keep reminding yourself of this especially when you're having cravings and not moving as fast as you are wanting to. You sound like a really ambitious and hard working person, which I believe (for what that is worth) is a common trait regardless of the addiction... hard working people love adderall because it makes them work harder and feel less guilty for not putting in 16 hour days all the time....

I know you'll do fine without the adderall, but I totally understand why you're tempted to stay on it. You need to discover the wonderful woman you were before adderall and that's scary. I'm going through it now myself, and all I have to go on is a hope that the memories I have of myself before are in fact true; that I am a creative and caring person with a lot of stamina and curiosity and determination. We shall see.

If you want to PM me I'd love to talk offline - you sound like a really special woman. Hang in there!

[roxbury27]

Same situation. I've been on it for 7 years. It's ruined a lot for me; my college experience, my social and romantic life, my credit, my body and quite possibly my brain. The only thing it hasn't ruined yet is my career, and that's because it hasn't really had the chance to yet. I just graduated last December, got a job working working in a lab as a temp employee under contract which did not end well... because of my adderall addiction. I was so nervous about getting hired on full time after my contract was up that I loaded up on adderall everyday all day to calm down and focus, and be awesome. Instead, it made me shut down completely and I couldn't process a thing that was happening. I couldn't remember the things they were trying to teach me, or recall the things I already knew, I dove into projects before I knew what I was doing, and I stammered at people instead of being able to talk. And instead of dropping the pills like day old sushi, I clung to them feeling like I needed them now more than ever. Like they were going to help me fix everything I was doing wrong at work... if only I didn't take so much. I started taking only what I though was an appropriate dosage before work and leaving the rest at home so I wouldn't be able to give into myself for more later. Kid you not, I would dip out of work after 2 hours to take an "early lunch" and drive home to take more. Why? Because once I get a taste, I am a slave to the addiction that drives me after. It is disgusting. If you are anything like me, drop it. Drop it and never pick it up. Because every time I ran out, my performance got better. Then I'd refill... tell myself how good adderall could be for me if I could just take it like prescribed...but I can't. And I never will. When I try, the only thing I focus on is fighting the desire for more. In summary, I was not offered a job after my contract was up. What I was offered was the chance to start over somewhere new making more money and doing what I want to make a career of doing. My issue is I'm scared the initial adjustment period will get me fired. But I know if I can't get a handle on my pills, I will get fired. I've recognized this as the classic tug-o-war contest between my priorities, and my addictions. I know which one is mine because it's the honest one that doesn't lead to adderall, and my addictions is the dishonest one that does. If I give in, the contest is over and I'm left holding a rope I can't let go of while my addiction drags me into the ground. I'm telling myself this is it, this is where I draw the line. But addiction me has no lines, she has no boundaries. My job starts in 2 days. Today, I gave the bottle to my brother and i've instructed him to give me 15 mg a day when really I should flush it. Tomorrow I am going to tell him to just hold on to it. Perhaps knowing it's there will satisfy my addiction enough. To stay strong and "maintain" I am going to focus on the things I want most in life and know in my heart that I can't have those things if I give into adderall. This is war.

[Cassie]

I started taking only what I though was an appropriate dosage before work and leaving the rest at home so I wouldn't be able to give into myself for more later. Kid you not, I would dip out of work after 2 hours to take an "early lunch" and drive home to take more.

I used to do this too. At my last job, I used to go home every day for lunch just to take a little bit more, pouring varying levels of powder out of the Vyvanse capsule into a glass of water and drinking the bitter liquid. I loved experimenting with my dosages. At my current job, I lived too far from work to go home for lunch so I would bring the extras to work, 'just in case' I needed them. And I always needed them, of course.

Today, I gave the bottle to my brother and i've instructed him to give me 15 mg a day when really I should flush it.

Bad idea. As soon as your brother leaves, you are going to tear the house apart until you find those pills.

Tomorrow I am going to tell him to just hold on to it. Perhaps knowing it's there will satisfy my addiction enough.

Thinking about your pills will satisfy your addiction? That's like being ravenously hungry and thinking that visualizing a steak will sate your appetite. Be honest with yourself and admit that you have no control over this substance. None of these little tricks are going to work. I could have never have quit with pills around because I would have obsessed about them every second and would have always found a way to take more. Give them up completely and cut off your dealer/doctor.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

"Tomorrow I am going to tell him to just hold on to it. Perhaps knowing it's there will satisfy my addiction enough."

I think this is a phase we all go through when quitting. I know when I quit, my husband asked me to give all my pills to him and he would dispose of them; but instead, I insisted on keeping the big yellow container (yeah, I was on so much even the pill bottle was one of the large ones at the pharmacy) on the middle of the coffee table. That was until a fit of uncontrollable rage one day when, tired of being accused of being lazy, I threw the bottle against the floor like a five year old and it smashed. Time to put it away then, I thought

I have read that part of getting over addiction is just knowing you still have a physical connection somehow to the drug, that psychologically need to know you can access it at any time, "just in case". So I totally get why you'd ask your brother to hold it. But just remember, it's not really fair to him when the addict in you comes screaming at him to give it back.

If you can't throw it all away right now, maybe just tell your brother where you are keeping it; keep it in plain sight like the bathroom cabinet; and make a decision to tell him how many pills you have taken each day (he can count them if he wants, but just telling him should keep you honest). And don't make your own little private stash in an Altoids tin!! You can do it!

[TechnoGoddess]

Well written.

There are many reasons I could spout about why you should quit and not rely on adderall to get you through your job interviews, make you (what you perceive to be) more employable, make you feel more confident or whatever.

But I think someone else on this forum said it themselves - you won't give up until you believe that the fear of being on adderall is greater than the fear of being off it. I just hope that happens before you ruin your whole life; as it seems like you're young and have a lot of it ahead of you.

You've clearly got enough self awareness to pay attention to the still, small voice in your head that is encouraging you to be kind to yourself and stay off amphetamines... i really hope you have enough self respect to listen...

Be safe, and be gentle with yourself...

Thank you for both of your posts, Goldman. I read this first post last week and cried. I cried because you're right, and this is severe. It is like a life and death option, and this is my rock bottom. I don't like who I am on adderall- I become obsessed with taking it, chasing a high that sometimes never comes, even when I take a frightening dosage. And I *still* have an appetite and fall asleep at a decent hour. My tolerance is terribly high.

But, there has been an interesting shift this week because I ran out of pills early. I had an appointment with my doctor on Monday that he cancelled because he's sick. So I'm totally out. But I've decided this is an opportunity for me to make the change. I can no longer physically, emotionally and financially afford this addiction.

The appointment with my doctor is rescheduled for December 24, and I will be very honest with him that I need to start weening myself off. There is a possibility that I will just stop completely and cancel the appointment because I'm functioning without it right now. Not very well, but better than I imagined.

I'm lucky I don't have a job right now so that I can take the recovery time and nap when I have to, eat when I need to (which is often, already gained back the 7 pounds I lost, but I'd rather be a little doughy than cranked up full-volume), sleep in a little. This is a turning point regardless of if I'm ready for it. I have to adapt, and one thing I am good at is surviving. Being an adderall addict is anti-survival. It goes against my nature and makes it impossible to nuture myself.

I will PM you since you seem to understand me on a certain level. I appreciate that. Reaching out is hard. I am very thankful for this site, and to its members.

Sorry for the late response hello and welcome I have read your post her is my opinion for what its worth. Your looking for work now and your scared you will not be able to perform your new job without adderall you are probably Wright you wont be functional if you do the cold turkey meted you need to crash land which means do nothing butt eat sleep and do supplements and jest baby your self because no joke it’s a ruff 7 to 10 days when you finally feel some relief . You said you will be 4 days short this month so if you are 100% commended in quitting adderall right now hers what you need to do you need to start stepping down your does Cut your 20milg pills in half go down to 40 milagrames per day space your does every 2 to 3 hours you then should have pills to last you to your next refill on dec 17 be honest with tour doctor tell them you are stepping down and you what to quit the adderall Reduce 5 milg every week intell you get to 0 milg you will be a littele tierd butt you will get thru it jest fine drink red bull.

THE FALCON

Falcon, thank you so much. I did what you suggested and broke all my pills I had left in half and doled them out slowly. I still ran out early, but I tapered the dosage down enough to minimize the withdrawals. If I see my doc again, I'm going to let him know that I'm ready to start tapering off completely.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

[ashley6]

My opinion is don't go to that doctor and don't look back, or if that's leaving it open for you to go back for adderall when cravings it, tell your doctor. This is the perfect time to quit since you're already cold turkeying it. Getting another prescription is just delaying the quitting process. I truly know how hard it is, but this is your chance to pick life, adderall-free! I sincerely hope you choose to continue the quitting process.

[ashley6]

When cravings hit*

[quit-once]

My opinion is don't go to that doctor and don't look back, or if that's leaving it open for you to go back for adderall when cravings it, tell your doctor. This is the perfect time to quit since you're already cold turkeying it. Getting another prescription is just delaying the quitting process. I truly know how hard it is, but this is your chance to pick life, adderall-free! I sincerely hope you choose to continue the quitting process.

I agree 100%

By the way, Ashley, there is an edit button at the bottom of each post that allows you to go back to your post any time and correct things if you want.

[ashley6]

Haha thanks