Relapsing :(

[Kyle_Chaos]

This past weekend I took about 20+ 20 xr Adderall. I pretty much sent myself into amphetamine psychosis, I'm not sure how far I set myself back.. The strangest thing about the experience was when I came off the drug and slept, when I woke up I had a huge bruise on my left arm, anyone experienced anything like this? Have any of you relapsed and went on a binge of this magnitude?

[ashley6]

I don't have a lot of input on your question, but I know how hard it can be to stay off of it. You sound like you're serious about quitting, so you can pull through this. What has you running back, do you think? Are you seeking it out or surrounded by access to it? You can still do it, a day at a time. That's all any of us can do....hang in there!

[Kyle_Chaos]

Seeking it out, times have been tough lately (a recent breakup and financial troubles.) I use focusing in on pointless tasks while high as an escape.. I have come a long way, it should be a shame to go on another long binge after accomplishing so much.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Kyle, do you remember anything of your psychosis? Maybe you hit your arm against something but the adderall numbed the pain. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Maybe you'd taken Aleve or Advil? That tends to cause bruising.

I remember reading in "On Speed" (thanks for the recommendation, InRecovery!) that large doses over an extended period of time will have the biggest detrimental impact on a user. I am glad you wrote this today because I'm half way through 90 days and had really strong cravings today and yesterday.

[FALCON]

Kyle_Chaos

Hey brother I’m going to be a little tuff on you now. I feel like you not only let your self down butt you also let your friends members of this web site down to. So my brother her I go what the fuck are you thinking about you where doing so well off the shit yes you relapsed big time not jest one or two pills butt 20- 20xr its suicidal the amount of shit you took it could kill a 1500 pound hours why don’t you jest get it over with and do some meth. It would have Ben a lot cheaper for you or are you scared of meth maybe theirs to much battery assed in the shit you crazy kid . I jest like to know what triggered this binge and also how much alcohol did you drink dont bull shit with me brother. I know you drank with the adderalls Hay brother I think you have a drug abuse problem. There is no other explanation on whey you took so many pills that’s one hell of a binge your. I will call you lucky chaos from now on because your still alive after that kind of fucken binge if you need help with a drug abuse issue you have all the recourses on bass to help you with your drug abuse problem you may have some underling problems you need to deal with first this web site cant help you with a underling issue so go to the air force bass clinic and get the consoling you need .In my experience you did not relapse you crashed brother theirs a deferent’s. We don’t want to loose you bro so for your friends on quitting adderall web site please get the help you need don’t be ashamed or feel down on your self we all fuck up jest learn from this keep your post going we all are here for each others support. So lets start back at step 1 quit using adderall and what ever else your on you can do it brother I know you can I still have hop for you I know your strong you did it once you can do it again one good thing is you haven’t gone back to adderall long term so it will be easier to withdraw again.

[Greg]

I think you have to remember that quitting adderall is the main priority in your life. Nothing should supercede that. Nothing should have enough importance to drive you to take adderall again

dont forget, your brain is addicted, youre addiction, your craving for dopamine, is going to tell your brain anything, make any excuse to use it again.

I literally had nothing going on in my life for a while except quitting adderall, so i could have no external pressure to drive me back to this stuff. Im now able to juggle a lot more things. but it was worth it to take that "time out".

Remember, addiction causes us to not think rationally, and we will get really creative justifying reasons why we need it. But you have to push yourself to continue to be rational about this and continue to tell yourself that what you need to do is beat this addiction to stimulants. And if you have to put a big sticker on computer or make it your desktop background. The words you should be looking at every day are GETTING OFF STIMULANTS IS MY MAIN PRIORITY. Then once you get over the initial hurdle (and give yourself plenty of time) things in life will start to fall into place and you'll have that reasonable foundation you need to live life again. And keep reminding yourself that it does get easier no matter how impossible it may seem at times. ask any of us here, we've all been there we KNOW how insanely impossible it seems. But so many of us are still standing and still clean.

[Kyle_Chaos]

Falcon, I didn't take twenty at once..it was over the period of a few days. Also, I don't recall bumping into anything and didnt take advil..so who knows?

[quit-once]

KyleChaos I feel bad for you, man. I have been reading your posts even before KyleChaos when you were Steven The Kyle and I remember your struggles with quitting and abusing adderall over a year ago. A suggestion I have that might help you and others reading this forum is to outline the sequence of events that led up to your relapse. I know you got way too drunk but what other events, thoughts and feelings preceeded taking that first pill, again, and what made you decide to renew your prescription or buy more adderall that you binged on last weekend?

If you could use adderall responsibly I would suggest that you just enjoy your brief relapse and make a battle plan for quitting again after the first of the year, but last weekend's binge and the one just before that tells me you might not be able to handle it very well and simply having the drugs in your posession poses a serious health risk, both mentally and physically. If you can not control your dosages any better than that you should not be in posession of any amount of any stimulant drug. Period.

[Kyle_Chaos]

I bought it off of someone... I will be okay, it isn't the end of the world.

[Kyle_Chaos]

I am back to feeling super lethargic, I just want to sleep constantly.

[Greg]

Kylechaos..i am typing on my phone so thus spelling errors. U took 20?? The first time I read your post I thought u said you took 2 x 20mgs.

20?

Unfortunately, I have been on binges of that magnitude many times. And Yes ive woken up with bruises and cuts out of the blue many times. In your adderall haze you probably bangd into something and didnt rnotice in your haze.

20??

Youre relapse shows the power of addiction bc i know u know how bad adderall is and u still binged.Kylechaos u r stronger than this.

[FALCON]

Kyle_Chaos

Brother Chaos I was born butt I was not born yesterday I know you did not take20-20xr all at once because you would not be her today on line your heart would exploded like a M80 .Listen up bro I did not want to be so harsh on you the other day its jest I don’t know any other way to get you straitened up if you where near by me I would jest kick your ass and be in your face. Butt the only way to communicate with you is this fucken computer I hate computers with a passion it takes out all the personal interaction between people its a artificial way of communicating in my opinion. Listen up brother life is a fucken bitch and week people like you and me go to the drugs and alcohol to num our feelings I have learned thru my years in this dimension we call life on earth drugs and alcohol will fuck you up your relationships your carrier your family your financial states . I learned the hard way and I am still learning from my elders when some one older then you and with more lives experience gives you some advice take it to heart learn from the experience your elders give you don’t think you know every thing because we don’t and we will never .You seem like a good brother with good character I don’t want to see you die bro your binge was a heavy one this is why I am recommending you to seek help I think there is some deep unresolved issues you need to deal with my brother. I have no problem with a little beverages or a took of weed butt you went way over bored you can not binge like you did .Please my brother for your life don’t do that shit again when you wake up and you don’t know what happened the week end that’s really fucket up bro NO more binges please go to the clinic on the bass and get the proper help you need god bless you brother.

Your friend FALCON

[Kyle_Chaos]

InRecovery, how long have you been off Adderall?

Falcon, I know it was a stupid move..I think the only reason I am handling myself okay afterwards is that I'm in excellent cardiovascular shape (I ran my Air Force PT test, which is 1.5 miles in 9:18) I still feel a little bit off from the binge, but I'm coming back. I still don't feel nearly as bad as when I was abusing normal amounts for a good month.. I'll be fine. I don't have any unresolved issues of any sort, I have a stable career and my family life is fine, my only issue is Adderall..

I appreciate the tough love guys, I need it lol.

[Greg]

InRecovery, how long have you been off Adderall?

I appreciate the tough love guys, I need it lol.

2 years and 1 month or 761 days or 108 weeks

[Kyle_Chaos]

2 years and 1 month or 761 days or 108 weeks

that's impressive, I may just need an anti depressant or something to fill the void for a while..

[Kyle_Chaos]

Kyle_Chaos

Brother Chaos I was born butt I was not born yesterday I know you did not take20-20xr all at once because you would not be her today on line your heart would exploded like a M80 .Listen up bro I did not want to be so harsh on you the other day its jest I don’t know any other way to get you straitened up if you where near by me I would jest kick your ass and be in your face. Butt the only way to communicate with you is this fucken computer I hate computers with a passion it takes out all the personal interaction between people its a artificial way of communicating in my opinion. Listen up brother life is a fucken bitch and week people like you and me go to the drugs and alcohol to num our feelings I have learned thru my years in this dimension we call life on earth drugs and alcohol will fuck you up your relationships your carrier your family your financial states . I learned the hard way and I am still learning from my elders when some one older then you and with more lives experience gives you some advice take it to heart learn from the experience your elders give you don’t think you know every thing because we don’t and we will never .You seem like a good brother with good character I don’t want to see you die bro your binge was a heavy one this is why I am recommending you to seek help I think there is some deep unresolved issues you need to deal with my brother. I have no problem with a little beverages or a took of weed butt you went way over bored you can not binge like you did .Please my brother for your life don’t do that shit again when you wake up and you don’t know what happened the week end that’s really fucket up bro NO more binges please go to the clinic on the bass and get the proper help you need god bless you brother.

Your friend FALCON

It's possible to binge on drugs without any serious family or psychological issues. I got the high feeling from the first pill, started having sex..and didn't want to let it go.. so I kept popping them. The pills themselves made me obsess over keeping the "high" feeling..

I just don't need to have access to adderall, I don't need a psych-evaluation. (Though I already do talk to a counselor every few weeks about my ADHD).

I won't binge again though, pinky promise!

[ashley6]

Have you asked your supplier to cut you off? I deleted my dealer's numbers, and the person I couldn't remove from my life knows not to sell me any of the shit. The fact is, if you really want it, you can get it, but it couldn't hurt to ask them to refuse you. I think it's common in relapse, or so I've heard, to get super out of control right away. Maybe it's the guilt of going back, and like you said you liked the high. That's what addiction is all about. I know I'd be back to 100 mgs in no time if I had one pill....fuck, it's scary.

[Kyle_Chaos]

Have you asked your supplier to cut you off? I deleted my dealer's numbers, and the person I couldn't remove from my life knows not to sell me any of the shit. The fact is, if you really want it, you can get it, but it couldn't hurt to ask them to refuse you. I think it's common in relapse, or so I've heard, to get super out of control right away. Maybe it's the guilt of going back, and like you said you liked the high. That's what addiction is all about. I know I'd be back to 100 mgs in no time if I had one pill....fuck, it's scary.

I think I just needed a taste of it, now that I've been reminded the damage it can do, it's a good thing. Relapse is just a part of recovery for some of us, I suppose.

I'm in the military and I just got some from my doctor, I can always manipulate my way into whatever dosage or whatever I want. I have to meet with the Doctor again next week (I can't be honest about my habits, because I am in the military and that would get me in a ton of trouble) I am going to cancel it again and either try Wellbutrin or Lexapro (I've tried Lexapro before and it seemed to work okay)

[Greg]

Have you asked your supplier to cut you off? I deleted my dealer's numbers, and the person I couldn't remove from my life knows not to sell me any of the shit. The fact is, if you really want it, you can get it, but it couldn't hurt to ask them to refuse you. I think it's common in relapse, or so I've heard, to get super out of control right away. Maybe it's the guilt of going back, and like you said you liked the high. That's what addiction is all about. I know I'd be back to 100 mgs in no time if I had one pill....fuck, it's scary.

Yes addiction is like a sleeping dog/beast that is ready to be awakened from one pill. I agree, the suppliers need to be cut off at all costs.

[Greg]

I think I just needed a taste of it, now that I've been reminded the damage it can do, it's a good thing. Relapse is just a part of recovery for some of us, I suppose.

I'm in the military and I just got some from my doctor, I can always manipulate my way into whatever dosage or whatever I want. I have to meet with the Doctor again next week (I can't be honest about my habits, because I am in the military and that would get me in a ton of trouble) I am going to cancel it again and either try Wellbutrin or Lexapro (I've tried Lexapro before and it seemed to work okay)

Antidepressants are not addictive so my mentality is if you need it, get on one. I am still on Effexor.

You got to think of your doctor as dangerous as any dealer. They are enablers just the same. Don't ever ask him for stimulants. I mean, I would go ahead and tell him that you don't believe in adderall or any stimulants because you've heard so many horror stories about their addictive potential and you refuse to be prescribed any anymore. You gotta block these enablers. Of course you can always find your way into more, but at least that's a start...are positive you can't tell him you've had abuse problems in The past and you don't want to have problems going forward or something like that. I mean try to think of ways you can get him to cut you off without getting into trouble. You can be creative when it comes to getting pills, try and be creative when it comes to blocking off your pills. You can rely on yourself to stay off pills to a degree but cutting suppliers off is such a fail safe way to do it.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I agree with all the comments about cutting off your supplier.

Doesn't sound like your supplier is also your therapist, but for me as soon as I realized the enabling my doctor had done for my addiction, there was no way I was going to trust this guy with my problems. Hell, I had TOLD my doc about my addictive personality and he prescribed me way more adderall than he ever should have, then added xanax and klonopin to the mix, without ever once warning me of the side effects of any of these drugs.

I found another therapist who I told this story to, and she will never prescribe me adderall or benzos as long as I continue to work with her. We established this in our first meeting.

For what it's worth I agree with the others about antidepressants. Unlike ampetamines which work for everyone, if you don't need an antidepressant it won't make any difference. If you do have depression, there is a chemical imbalance in your brain and that's what the medicine, alongside cognitive behavioral or dialectial behavioral therapy, has been designed to address and will help solve. You just need to find the right antidepressant. That sometimes takes years for some people.

[Cassie]

I agree with all the comments about cutting off your supplier.

Doesn't sound like your supplier is also your therapist, but for me as soon as I realized the enabling my doctor had done for my addiction, there was no way I was going to trust this guy with my problems. Hell, I had TOLD my doc about my addictive personality and he prescribed me way more adderall than he ever should have, then added xanax and klonopin to the mix, without ever once warning me of the side effects of any of these drugs.

Hear, hear. I mentioned this in another post, but when I told my doctor I was addicted to Adderall, she suggested that I merely had a 'dependency', like some people are dependent on coffee or blood pressure medication. That's effing hilarious, eh? I mean, I literally said, "I'm an addict." How much clearer could that be? My point is, you don't have to tell your doctor you're an addict - he might not even believe you! You just need to tell him you don't want it anymore. If he asks why, you just rattle off some side effects. It's not that hard. Hell yeah, your doctor is just as dangerous as a dealer. Your doctor thinks this addictive medication is perfectly safe, and doesn't want to lose this cash cow.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Yes, Cassie, preach it sister!

I'm going to start another post on this very topic.

[ashley6]

Cassie,

That is absolutely disgusting. It sounds like your doctor was just like a drug dealer, only worse, because they're supposed to have your best interest at heart. I hope it was just ignorance about the medication. Wow.

[ashley6]

Is ignorance any better actually? It's scary for her patients either way.