One year clean, on the verge of relapse

[risingpheonix]

Hello,

First of all, I want to say that I have read all the conversations on this forum, and they helped me immensely. I did not reply to any of them because... well, they are typically very old and I'm sure the users have long since moved on to new struggles and triumphs, and also because I could not get approved for an account on this site. I guess it was the spamprotection. Anyway, today I finally decided to try to create an account on my computer instead of my phone and huzzah, I'm in! So I want to say a thank you to everyone who years ago (or recently) shared their deepest struggles, thoughts, triumphs, questions, and more. Many of the posts had no response or very little engagement, and the authors might have felt ignored, but I want to say that at least one person out there read everything on here and is grateful.

NOW - for my saga. It's not at all different from any of the stories here. From the moment I tried my first bit of adderall, I was smitten. It was my first experience with a substance that made me feel good. I had always felt good based on my moods or life circumstances. I had never tried drugs, no psychiatric drugs, nothing. I tried alcohol, it didn't do anything for me. But adderall was amazing! I felt like a goddess. Not only was my mood amazing, but my work was too. Oh, but wait, there's more. For the first time ever, I couldn't give a damn about what other people said or thought! I lived for me! My books, my work, my projects, my hobbies. It was perfect. That was seven years on 20mg.

I don't need to tell you how this goes. It wasn't perfect. I THOUGHT it was perfect. What felt like me living for me, was me actually alienating and pushing away my whole social circle and neglecting important people's events, not inviting them to mine and not going to theirs, and ultimately, destroying these relationships. And what felt like amazing work was me just hyper focused on whatever insanity I'd gotten obsessed with. Sometimes it was good work, more often it was completely unimportant, lost-in-the-woods nonsense. If I look back at those seven years, I'm at once surprised by the amount of work I did and by how little of it mattered. I also do some writing and public speaking, and I can see now, by looking back at recordings and writing of the time, how much of it was garbage. I spoke too much! I was too tangentential! I thought I was brilliant, but I was often far too much. A lot less is more.

I also realized that while I was so enjoying my great hobbies and all, I was completely living in my head. I was like divorced from my body; not taking care of it, not feeding it properly, nothing. I was all brains, no bod! And that is no good. I piled on weight, I didn't work out, I ate all the wrong foods. That then affected me in all the nasty ways weight gain affect us and I looked like shit which made me hide even more. 

Plus - on top of all this, I had only two working modes on adderall: intense happy working mode, and absolutely (abso-fuckin-lutely) couch locked. I just didn't do anything like a normal person, and I kept wondering how ordinary people had it in them to just keep doing all these minor chores and social things!

All this only dawned on me after many, many years of feeling like my little blue pills were my best friend and the best thing to ever happen to me. It was a very slow process of learning. I learned it accidently: first, I tried to take some drug holidays for tolerance. Off of it for a bit, I began to see my adderall use in a whole new light. Eventually, I realized that I was destroying myself with those pills. (I never thought they were good for my health in the first place, and I often nicknamed them my "favorite poison", but I figured if it was so magical, it was worth the health consequences.)

So alas, I decided to try to stop for a bit. And then I stopped for longer, and ever longer. And huzzah, suddenly I was adderall free! I felt like a huge battle was being won, and I was letting go of a very unhealthy, very intertwined relationship! I was also losing weight, socializing, doing work, and I was so fucking proud of myself. I was rebuilding myself without my whole life revolving around a pill. And while I struggled a lot, I felt like it was the only way for me to have a future. Unless I wanted to live forever like a recluse in couchlock coming down or going up, tweaking out on nonsense, I needed to fight hard to learn to go without this drug. And so it went, for nearly a year.

Now I've hit something that I can only describe as the most acute depression imaginable. I've never had anything like it. It's like - while I sleep, terrible thoughts creep into my mind, and they wake me. It keeps happening! Every five minutes! I fall asleep and the terrible ruminations begin, worrying about the future and all sorts of worst-case scenarios, and then they jolt me awake! During the day too, I feel mostly despair. I think this depression was brought on, in part, by hard times in my life. But I know without a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't feel this way if I was still on adderall. And so, that's all that's playing in my head: take adderall and feel better. Enough with this suffering! It can't go on like this! You live once! Etc....

I feel like I'm just about to relapse. In fact, this Sunday I kind of had some dustings of the blue - not enough to feel it, but enough for me to surprise myself. I then rushed to my doctor for a prescription of Wellbutrin. I figured: I'd rather try a new devil than this old devil that is so hard to kick. Maybe Wellbutrin will alleviate things a bit without throwing me back down this dark deluded hole. Well, I took the Wellbutrin and spent two days in hell with my heart pounding out of my chest and the most intense anxiety imaginable. I decided it's not for me. I imagine some people would wait it out longer; I just can't deal with that kind of physical and mental torture.

So now I'm back to no defense from the lure of the little blue pill fix. 

I'm thinking 24/7 about adderall. I can't decide if I simply should go on it for a bit, to build a bridge to a better place, or if I'm making a big mistake by taking that route. I honestly have no clarity. I'm writing here more for myself than to anyone, in hopes that writing this out will give me clarity. But it only causes me more despair. I suppose most people in my situation would take another psych drug but I hesitate to put my poor body through more of these harsh pharma compounds.

This is a long post - I just wanted to put my dilemma down. My apologies for the ramble. I hope I feel better soon without breaking my streak. In the meantime, thanks for everyone on here for sharing their journeys.

[sirod9]

Thank you for sharing your story. I really enjoyed the way it is written, you seem to be talented in that department. my writing is all over the place! I can understand the dread, especially the bad dreams/intrusive thoughts. and the "all brain, no bod" lol. Totes get that. I've been meditating more lately, learning how to sit in my body instead of thinking, thinking, thinking. it helps, but it is sometimes scary to be made aware of my mental state :|

Anyways, I hope you remain sober, to allow yourself time to really heal. I feel like we assume 1 year will be when everything is peachy and we are healed, but it took years to get to this point. so it will take a while to heal. now, we need to re-learn how to integrate bad moods, low moods. for so long, I controlled how I felt with pills. Now, I have to learn how to "ride the wave." I feel better today, but I know that at any point, I can feel dread again -  and it is easier when I just accept that and do my best. another good day is just around the corner  

[risingpheonix]

3 minutes ago, sirod9 said:

Thank you so much for reading. I feel less alone knowing someone read my outpouring! I actually posted on Reddit (stopspeeding) looking for support, and I got a private message from someone immediately. I thought they were a kind stranger but no - they wanted to hook me up. Woah.

Anyway, thanks for your wisdom and perspective. I think you have a very healthy approach to your healing and I am reading your words carefully to try to shift my mind to a more acceptance place. Ride the wave. Stop fighting it. It's okay. It'll pass. No need to run for the quickfix. It'll be better some other time. It's been better, it will still be better.

 

[sirod9]

19 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

 

Gosh, redditt can be trouble! I think the one constant in life is - it will pass  

[risingpheonix]

Well - update. I made it through yesterday. I was SO close to taking some, I could already taste it.

I somehow didn't. Made myself do a little shopping. Then a little cooking which came out really good. Then some lovely puzzling - that relaxed me. Also caught up with some good friends. Lately I've been doing cold showers and baths, or running, but yesterday I didn't have the energy for anything. But I didn't take any, and I was glad of it. 

Today is the same battle all over again. I know I remain on the verge of getting back into it, because if I had any courage I'd tell people in my life I'm not telling anyone because I don't want them to make me throw it away. 

We'll see what happens. Yes no yes no yes no yes no. That's the song in my head!

[sirod9]

6 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

Well - update. I made it through yesterday. I was SO close to taking some, I could already taste it.

I somehow didn't. Made myself do a little shopping. Then a little cooking which came out really good. Then some lovely puzzling - that relaxed me. Also caught up with some good friends. Lately I've been doing cold showers and baths, or running, but yesterday I didn't have the energy for anything. But I didn't take any, and I was glad of it. 

Today is the same battle all over again. I know I remain on the verge of getting back into it, because if I had any courage I'd tell people in my life I'm not telling anyone because I don't want them to make me throw it away. 

We'll see what happens. Yes no yes no yes no yes no. That's the song in my head!

I think the puzzling, cooking, and such are wonderful activities when energy is present. I also feel like acceptance and doing absolutely nothing is good when energy is not present. I know i absolutely love a hot bath when I'm feeling overwhelmed, or underwhelmed. I will say this, I noticed that certain times throughout the last year, Post acute withdrawal was triggered by certain situations in which I would typically use lots of adderall in the past. Everything from arguments with my partner, to certain thought patterns, etc. I can see how craving and considering using addreall could trigger a bout of PAWS, because your neural pathways are expecting a hit, but nothing happens. It is proven that these things pass, and our brains and nervous systems need to rewire through these cravings. Which takes time. and that time feels excruciatingly slow when it is happening.  I hope you keep going!

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

17 hours ago, sirod9 said:

I think the puzzling, cooking, and such are wonderful activities when energy is present. I also feel like acceptance and doing absolutely nothing is good when energy is not present. I know i absolutely love a hot bath when I'm feeling overwhelmed, or underwhelmed. I will say this, I noticed that certain times throughout the last year, Post acute withdrawal was triggered by certain situations in which I would typically use lots of adderall in the past. Everything from arguments with my partner, to certain thought patterns, etc. I can see how craving and considering using addreall could trigger a bout of PAWS, because your neural pathways are expecting a hit, but nothing happens. It is proven that these things pass, and our brains and nervous systems need to rewire through these cravings. Which takes time. and that time feels excruciatingly slow when it is happening.  I hope you keep going!

@sirod9 thank you so much for this! Makes total sense!!!!! also for @risingpheonix - I apologize in advance for the crudeness, but.... this shit is a total, ABSOLUTE mind fuck!!! I am only (almost) two and a half months off of the devil pill, so I remember clearly numerous instances of waiting for my Rx to be refilled because I couldn't get out the bed. No energy. No motivation. And even too tired to sleep, if that makes sense. Oh, but MAGICALLY, as soon as I get the notification from the pharmacy that my Rx was ready for pick up, I was ALIVE! Energized! Motivated! Couldn't wait to get out the bed, in the car, to the pharmacy. Just ANTICIPATING consumption of that devil pill got me moving. This is exactly what a mind fuck truly is. It is comments like these you've both shared that help get me through each and every day. 

It is the same for me with alcohol. I could totes be NEEDING a drink. Miserable. Pissy. Annoyed. Hating the world. But AS SOON AS someone mentioned the bar is open, my mood escalated and I was pleasant to be around again. How F'd up is that?!?!?!?! Thanks again to both of you for sharing!

[risingpheonix]

17 hours ago, sirod9 said:

 I can see how craving and considering using addreall could trigger a bout of PAWS, because your neural pathways are expecting a hit, but nothing happens. It is proven that these things pass, and our brains and nervous systems need to rewire through these cravings. Which takes time. 

I absolutely believe this to be true. I really think that there is a combination of physical adjustment and behavioral/environmental elements that make getting off adderall so hard. So it's not just that your physical body is recovering in isolation; it is interacting with the larger world and receiving messages from the outside and adjusting accordingly. For me, for seven years, my body learned very strongly that pain is alleviated by taking the magical pill. And when I'm in pain, that's all my body wants. It's almost like it doesn't know how to say "she's feeling like shit; time for her to have a good cry and feel better." All my body can do with pain is demand the pill, and that becomes a whole spiral. The body is incredibly adaptive and long term use of a medication that you can take on demand really adapts the body. And while my body was doing okay without the pill when times were okay, once the going got tough I just couldn't cope. Never in my life experienced depression like this. 

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

[risingpheonix]

33 minutes ago, Faith and Hope said:

@sirod9 thank you so much for this! Makes total sense!!!!! also for @risingpheonix - I apologize in advance for the crudeness, but.... this shit is a total, ABSOLUTE mind fuck!!! I am only (almost) two and a half months off of the devil pill, so I remember clearly numerous instances of waiting for my Rx to be refilled because I couldn't get out the bed. No energy. No motivation. And even too tired to sleep, if that makes sense. Oh, but MAGICALLY, as soon as I get the notification from the pharmacy that my Rx was ready for pick up, I was ALIVE! Energized! Motivated! Couldn't wait to get out the bed, in the car, to the pharmacy. Just ANTICIPATING consumption of that devil pill got me moving. This is exactly what a mind fuck truly is. It is comments like these you've both shared that help get me through each and every day. 

It is the same for me with alcohol. I could totes be NEEDING a drink. Miserable. Pissy. Annoyed. Hating the world. But AS SOON AS someone mentioned the bar is open, my mood escalated and I was pleasant to be around again. How F'd up is that?!?!?!?! Thanks again to both of you for sharing!

Ha ha, love the crudeness - well said. I do feel like my addiction to speed is very similar to an addiction to alcohol. It is in the same category of that terrific quick fix that feels like it can solve everything instantaneously! But oh.... it is such a devilish liar!!

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

5 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

I absolutely believe this to be true. I really think that there is a combination of physical adjustment and behavioral/environmental elements that make getting off adderall so hard. So it's not just that your physical body is recovering in isolation; it is interacting with the larger world and receiving messages from the outside and adjusting accordingly. For me, for seven years, my body learned very strongly that pain is alleviated by taking the magical pill. And when I'm in pain, that's all my body wants. It's almost like it doesn't know how to say "she's feeling like shit; time for her to have a good cry and feel better." All my body can do with pain is demand the pill, and that becomes a whole spiral. The body is incredibly adaptive and long term use of a medication that you can take on demand really adapts the body. And while my body was doing okay without the pill when times were okay, once the going got tough I just couldn't cope. Never in my life experienced depression like this. 

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

YES!!!! I LOVE that you not only recognize and feel this way, but that you put it down for the world to see. THIS, my friend, is why I finally created an account today after 2 years of attempting to quit. I'm only at 11 weeks, but that is major major major for me. I never thought I could do it and coming even just this far proves that I am indeed strong and worth the fight. We are getting our authentic selves back. Didn't you miss her??? I sure did.

And through the misery, I keep reminding myself that my poor little authentic self was kidnapped by Adderall. F that! She's coming back better than ever! So proud of you for almost a year. I feel like you got this, friend @risingpheonix!

[sirod9]

17 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

I absolutely believe this to be true. I really think that there is a combination of physical adjustment and behavioral/environmental elements that make getting off adderall so hard. So it's not just that your physical body is recovering in isolation; it is interacting with the larger world and receiving messages from the outside and adjusting accordingly. For me, for seven years, my body learned very strongly that pain is alleviated by taking the magical pill. And when I'm in pain, that's all my body wants. It's almost like it doesn't know how to say "she's feeling like shit; time for her to have a good cry and feel better." All my body can do with pain is demand the pill, and that becomes a whole spiral. The body is incredibly adaptive and long term use of a medication that you can take on demand really adapts the body. And while my body was doing okay without the pill when times were okay, once the going got tough I just couldn't cope. Never in my life experienced depression like this. 

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

Yes! Our brains are fascinating. Emotional pain is a huge one for me. I tend to be an emotional being, I have always been very emotional. I used to take more adderall when emotions were high, now I have to acknowledge my emotions and ride their waves...without spewing them onto my loved ones or overreacting to them. The mature portion is new, I'm accepting that emotionality is going to happen, and instead of easing its impact with drugs or dumping on others, I'm learning to manage them, with different tools, Alone, with my cats. Of course, I'm also learning how to lean on others in my life in a balanced and healthy manner. That is a whole other can of worms, because adderall made me feel MORE separate from others. it messed with my ability to connect. when my ability to connect was already messed up, adderall made me feel like I didn't need anyone or that Others were against me.

[sirod9]

12 hours ago, Faith and Hope said:

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

YES!!!! I LOVE that you not only recognize and feel this way, but that you put it down for the world to see. THIS, my friend, is why I finally created an account today after 2 years of attempting to quit. I'm only at 11 weeks, but that is major major major for me. I never thought I could do it and coming even just this far proves that I am indeed strong and worth the fight. We are getting our authentic selves back. Didn't you miss her??? I sure did.

And through the misery, I keep reminding myself that my poor little authentic self was kidnapped by Adderall. F that! She's coming back better than ever! So proud of you for almost a year. I feel like you got this, friend @risingpheonix!

Thank you Faith and Hope. when it gets tough, you really do need Faith and Hope. Honestly, sharing experiences and reading others experiences helps so much. knowing you are not alone and crazy, and that it does get better helps so much. Somedays, the only bright star I have is my clean time  But a few days pass and I feel much more hopeful all around. You can do this!

[risingpheonix]

Faith, I'm so glad you made an account! I love reading other people's journeys and I am so glad for other people who share, especially now as the site is not very active. Welcome! 

And yes, this demon pill robs you of personality and turns you into something else. It can have such a powerful grip but it takes something so vital from us. So many people describe themselves as being humorless robots on it. Or recluses with weird obsessions. Bring back flawed, struggling, complex humans who can laugh and be imperfectly perfect!

 

[risingpheonix]

So I'm coming here to try to update. Just to kind of keep myself accountable.

So far, things haven't changed. I'm still on the edge. I haven't told anyone in my life because I am afraid they'll stop me. I feel like I'm going through such a hard time - when it rains it pours, and it's been pouring! Now I have a medical issue that's really distressing me and I'm going to the doc for tomorrow. I just often have this internal monologue of "I can't, I can't, I can't!" that goes along with a visual of turning to the drug. I'm such an addict. I've always had an addictive personality up to the wazoo. I just never found the perfect thing to be addicted to until adderall. You can be addicted to food, and workouts and whatever else, but it's never this intensely life changing as stimulants have been for me. It never is that wildly a quick-fix. Adderall can feel so benign, which makes it also so dangerous. Because first thing you know you're taking a bit just to take the edge off, and then it's a half year later and your body can't do a thing without the help of this drug. 

I wish I was one of those people who happed off and never looked back but I wouldn't be me if that were true! 

Anyway, let's see how much more frustration and hardship life throws at me and how long I can hold out...

[sirod9]

3 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

So I'm coming here to try to update. Just to kind of keep myself accountable.

So far, things haven't changed. I'm still on the edge. I haven't told anyone in my life because I am afraid they'll stop me. I feel like I'm going through such a hard time - when it rains it pours, and it's been pouring! Now I have a medical issue that's really distressing me and I'm going to the doc for tomorrow. I just often have this internal monologue of "I can't, I can't, I can't!" that goes along with a visual of turning to the drug. I'm such an addict. I've always had an addictive personality up to the wazoo. I just never found the perfect thing to be addicted to until adderall. You can be addicted to food, and workouts and whatever else, but it's never this intensely life changing as stimulants have been for me. It never is that wildly a quick-fix. Adderall can feel so benign, which makes it also so dangerous. Because first thing you know you're taking a bit just to take the edge off, and then it's a half year later and your body can't do a thing without the help of this drug. 

I wish I was one of those people who happed off and never looked back but I wouldn't be me if that were true! 

Anyway, let's see how much more frustration and hardship life throws at me and how long I can hold out...

Good luck with everything. we will all be here when you return. Hopefully, you choose to stay the course.

[risingpheonix]

Hello. Hope everyone is well.

I called around looking for a therapist. This guy asks me what the situation is, and I tell him that I'm struggling with intense depression. He asked me to tell him more, and I explain that I've taken myself off an adderall script that I was incredibly dependent on, and that I'm still struggling to adjust to life without it.

He tells me: "Here's what I need you to do. Go on to your insurance carrier's website and look for a psychiatrist. Not a therapist. A psychiatrist. Make an urgent appointment and explain to your psychiatrist what happened. You took yourself off an ADHD medication that you need. That could be extremely dangerous. You need to first get sorted out on the medications you need, and then we can talk therapy."

Lol. I thanked him... even though his raising such alarms over the cessation of amphetamines is absurd to me. Guess who will NOT be my therapist!

In other news - I've looked at my journal from 2020 when I experienced a few very hard months. It's so interesting. All I did then to get through those hard times was ONE thing: take adderall. It fixed everything. I spent all my time online on forums browsing away, doing nothing else, until a few months later it passed.

Meanwhile, in this depression of 2022 sans the magical crutch I've dealt with it so differently. I've taken care of my physical and mental health in various ways, I've joined support groups, reconnected with old friends and made new ones, turned to family for support, taken up a few hobbies, taken up running, signed up for a class, cut out certain bad stuff from my diet, and began cooking good foods - among other things. So while this time it sucks so much more, I struggle so much more, the pain is also motivating me to fix things.

I really believe we need to face our pain because it is often a signal that something wrong in our lives, something we need to fix. Numbing ourselves feels like a great shortcut, but then the problems remain. The single thing that's kept me from going back on this demon numbing drug (and wasting another half year of my life tweaked out and isolated and hurting the people who love me) is that I see that I'm a better person without it. Still -- the shortcut beckons day and night!

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

On 7/12/2022 at 4:11 PM, risingpheonix said:

Faith, I'm so glad you made an account! I love reading other people's journeys and I am so glad for other people who share, especially now as the site is not very active. Welcome! 

And yes, this demon pill robs you of personality and turns you into something else. It can have such a powerful grip but it takes something so vital from us. So many people describe themselves as being humorless robots on it. Or recluses with weird obsessions. Bring back flawed, struggling, complex humans who can laugh and be imperfectly perfect!

 

Hey, Phoenix! I changed my screen name from Faith and Hope because my plan all along was this screen name. My Adderall brain is so jacked. And I just see that I began typing this last night, but apparently forgot about it. So stupid, but showing that my brain is healing from this effffed up drug. Depending on what insurance you have- I believe it's most of them- they offer a program called Able To. Call your ins company and ask. I was awarded a therapist and a behavioral coach each once a week, for 8 weeks, at no cost to me. I had to trade in the first therapist, but the replacement is phenom and so is the behavioral coach. Check it out. Definitely worth it.

[risingpheonix]

Faith and Hope - I like the name.

And I never heard of the program Able To. Thanks much! I will look into it now. 

[risingpheonix]

Hullo. Still didn't jump!

So Wednesday I decided to finally give up. Time to catch a break! I'm doing it, back on the magic pills!

But it was late, I had work the next day and couldn't afford to stay up all night tossing and turning. I needed sleep. Pushed it off. Thursday's workday was too boring to waste on breaking my streak so I scheduled it for Saturday. So Saturday comes and I feel like shit and I'm ready for relief. I'm on the way to the gym and my mind runs its anxious monologue that goes like this. "What did I feel? Was that another pinch? Oh god, it's definitely now something I need to go to the doc for! So I will need a referral to a specialist, some scans, I'll stay calm, no reason to act like a neurotic maniac when I'm not one (lol) but omg, it's going to be so stressful and when do I have the time..." etc etc. I've had anxiety before but this kind of obsessive thought loops is a whole other level. And when it happens it always gets interrupted by "omg, I'll take adderall! phew, whew, relief! I can taste the happiness already! Turns out the whatever pinch or stab or ache is not a problem - all I need to do is go home and take the adderall. It'll kick in and I'll spend the day painting something gorgeous and feeling like a million dollars. So there. The pinch is fixed in a very roundabout and easy way."

And then the niggling voice: "you sure that's going to end as happily? What after? What about a month later when I can't move without the pill, and I'm a cripple and recluse? When I'm still painting, eating shit, not working out, not talking to anyone, not taking care of all the ordinary everyday things that it takes to run my life??"

And on and on.... So it goes inside my head.

So on impulse, while I am going through this thought process for the umpteenth time, I decide that I am only making things harder by debating the IFs. "Stop making it an option!" I conclude, and impulsively call home and ask for the adderall to be trashed. And I feel awful despair over it. What am I to do about a pinch now, huh?

So I get home and I've patted myself on the back and all and made my peace. And guess what. The adderall is there. No one bothered! So it's been sitting on my desk next to me all day. Not gonna throw it out myself. This shit is like gold to me. Too valuable. So it sits here... My sweet little blue devils.

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

You are torturing yourself. I know because I've done the same for so long. Recently I found a few diet pills we got in Mexico. I took one the other day and was all too well reminded of the Adderall feeling. So I only took a half the next day. The next day I hated myself and surrendered with my hands up saying, "God, please take this from me!!!!! I can't get back into this something just as bad!!!" I thought about the cycle of psychosis and trashed the remaining pills TODAY!! I knew it would be a mental war just to keep them around, or I'd be hooked on yet another type of speed. I am finally seeing that I am, indeed, strong, thanks to God. I could've never done that on my own. I couldn't do it with Adderall, so that's when I turned myself in to my doctor saying I may need to be committed if I'm on Adderall one more day. Throw out the devil pills. Save yourself while you still can!!! Come on, you got this, girl!! @risingpheonix

 

[risingpheonix]

Well, it's no longer a problem! Been taken care of...   

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

@risingpheonix

[risingpheonix]

Soooo.... Thought I'd check in. Update this thread.

Somehow, I don't know how, that terrible cloud passed. I'm once again sleeping a lovely eight hours a night. I've always been fortunate that I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow and then I wake up all good - and that's mostly returned. It's very painful to not be able to sleep and my heart goes out to people with insomnia. My appetite also returned. And although I'm dealing with some real, not just in my head but real, challenges in my life, I'm doing fairly well at keeping things in perspective. I've enjoyed life. Good food, good company, good work, good workouts, good experiences. 

I think of adderall every single day. It's the instant feel good I crave. But I also can't believe how good life can be without it. Life is far from perfect, I have plenty reason to complain, and yet sometimes you let a cloud pass and it's kind of sweet on its own.

[sirod9]

Proud of you! 

[Mike 1965]

My son has been on adderal for 10 years. The negatives surely outweigh the positives as nobody can win with adderal. Today he has to quit his job because even at 100mg per day he is a mess with double the anxiety always needing one extra pill to finish the work he brought home.  He has lost weight, doesn’t have any friends anymore and sits in his room always waiting for the next pill.  Life has to be easier than this.  I only agreed to allow him to continue adderal as a temporary solution to stating his new job but today he is worse than when he just started the job.  Get your kids off adderal!!! We all have a bit of ADD or ADHD but when I grew up adderal wasn’t available thank god and you take the jobs that allow you to work with ADD and not always looking for another pill.