One year clean, on the verge of relapse

[risingpheonix]

Yeah, it's a demon drug. You get tolerance to it very quickly, so you need more all the time. At the same time if you go off of it, you have to deal with terribly low mood and sleeping non-stop and just not feeling human. So it's a real catch 22. It's very hard to get off of it but maybe a taper is right for your son? Or even rehab?

[risingpheonix]

Hello friends. Just want to check in and update, because I know we update during hard times, but then we forget to mention the good. And I don't want to paint a skewed picture or be ungrateful. After two months of not being able to sleep at all, waking with the most unbearable emotional agony, (never had anything like it) and almost relapsing, things have turned a corner. I sleep so wonderfully, thankfully. No sleeping aids, no meds, only meletonin. I get great rest and wake up feeling good. I've had some good news a hundred percent thanks to pushing through the hard times. During the shittiest times I did some things and put myself out there in ways that I'm repeating rewards from. All in all, the cravings have passed and I'm enjoying life. I know the hard times will come around again, and I hope I'll stay strong. I've been keeping a gratitude photo journal. I take pictures of funny, sweet, happy moments, especially with pets, and keep it in an electronic journal. This way, when I feel like life is a never-ending slog of suffering (instead of an easy ride on Adderall) I look back to the sweet pictures and smile.

Thanks all for your support, and wishing you lots of luck. Keep chugging!

[risingpheonix]

Time for an update?

It's almost the end of 2022. It's now almost a full calendar year clean. Plus about half of 2021.

I never abused my adderall. I was only severely, severely addicted to it and changed by it. My entire life revolved around it. It made me feel so good. It made me bookish, it made me intensely focused, it made me completely disinterested in people. I crashed and burned all my social contacts while on stimulants, because I believed they were holding me back. I'm still an introvert and I still need to pace myself, but on stimulants I simply couldn't give a rat's ass about people. If I had kept going, I'd slowly have ended up very alone.

I loved stimulants. It also destroyed me. It gave me the illusion of success, grandeur and happiness while it depleted my life of everything meaningful. I don't know how it's possible that I decided to not celebrate what should have been one of the most important moments of my life, but that's who I was on stimulants. A different person. 

I couldn't imagine living without my precious adderall. But I was also getting less and less out of it, and I watched myself become a cripple unable to do the smallest thing without popping a pill. I was getting so little out of the drug by the end, that I was just fat, neglected, ignoring responsibilities, unable to do something as basic as get a haircut. If I used my adderall for the haircut, then nothing was left for going to the bank, so I figured out my priorities and chose one thing over the other. My life was becoming so thin and I was spending so much time in couchlock that I was wondering if I was sick. But the problem was that every time I tried to go off, things were so much worse that I returned to the drugs.

I finally realized that I needed to just tough it out, and it was the most hellish (or nearly) thing I've ever been through. I was only on a prescribed dose for seven years, but for me, it took me a good year to come back to myself. But boy it was worth it! I might not feel euphoria, I might not feel like I'm doing much, but objectively my life has become so much richer. I'm so grateful to have been able to rebuild friendships and take on a bunch of fun projects. My self confidence is much better, I'm working out, I lost weight, and I got a new pet.

One thing makes me really sad: I think I might have missed my chance to find a partner and settle down. I was pretty disinterested in dating while on stims, and now I think it might be too late. I know, I know, it's never too late, bla bla bla, but I feel like for me, and my personality... it might not happen. Still, I have plenty to be grateful for, not least that I'm able to wake up and do a bunch of things without taking a crazy pill that makes me jittery, intense, hyperfocused, antisocial and soon... paralyzed by the comedown.

 I think of my experience with adderall similar to experiences people have in relationships. Some people lean into them more than others, so it's harder for some people to move on than others. For me, I leaned into adderall in a way I don't think I ever leaned into anything. I enjoyed how it changed me and created an illusion of an easier life. There is some of it I miss, and sometimes I wish I was still that brainy self, but alas - I'm trying to accept myself warts and all. I'm grateful for what I got and hanging in for the rough parts. 

Sending love to everyone on this journey.

[risingpheonix]

Hello all! It's a lovely spring day in NYC and I decided to pop in here to express my enormous gratitude to the forces that helped me get to where I am, including this wonderful forum. Right now, I'm sitting at the computer in my home with a cup of decaf coffee (trying to cut back!), there are fresh flowers on my desk that are so fragrant, I just washed all floors, windows are open, breeze coming in, nice little mellow music, dogs and cats are all cuddled up in their favorite spots (where the sun streaks, of course.) It's moments like these that I fought so hard for. I don't feel high. I don't feel a rush of happiness. It's just nice, it's just centered and good.

Coming off Adderall was brutal for me. I know many people say it's no big deal. I know many people say "two months and you're good." I believe them. But that wasn't the case for me. I really think my body took a year plus to level out. More even. At the one year mark, I hit a depression like I never before experienced. 

Before you go freaking out saying "I can't go a year of hell to get off these pills", do realize that it wasn't a year of hell. That's not how I'd describe it. It was a lot like a diet, in that you start off strong with so much enthusiasm, you feel the effects of the enormous change you made, and even though it's hard, you believe in it. You feel your new commitment and are full of excitement for seeing results. For me, in the first months, while I slept a ridiculous amount and was not in the best spirits, the very fact that I saw myself get through the smallest assignment without adderall filled me with such a sense of accomplishment, it was so motivating! I was absolutely shocked that I could do x or do y without adderall. Each time I did something for the first time (since many years) without adderall, I felt like I summitted a mountain. So, it wasn't a year of hell. It was a year of hard, hard, hard work, and a slow trickling of hope. But after about a year, I started to experience what I can only describe as the most extreme reactions to every little thing. If something bothered me, it bothered me on a thousand. I could not see anything in perspective! I could not talk myself down! The littlest thing disrupted my sleep, made me feel like it was the end of the world, that I couldn't go on.

One of the things that slowly happened, simply because I NEEDED RELIEF, was I started to develop little ways of self-soothing. Like coloring, reading journal entries, going away from tech for a walk. After doing these things multiple times during distress and finding relief, my mind started to associate these small acts with relief. So when I was upset, just the thought of "I'll leave my phone here and go for a walk" or "I'll go color" made me feel a bit easier. In other words, I learned to cope without a magic elixir. My moods also leveled out, no doubt, but I am still a high intensity person. I just no longer have this same "I must adderall!" because I have learned through repeated runs that it's not the end of the world without it.

I chose not to go on anti-depressants when I first started to go through all this last year. This is not a recommendation to anyone. I am not at all endorsing white knuckling or refusing help where it is. For me, I tried Wellbutrin. It didn't work. And then I was simply too scared of a new psychotropic drug. My concern was: if it works, what's the end point? What happens when I need to get off, or my body acclimates? I guess I got burnt with adderall where the end point was a trip to hell and back. I know different people need to take a different path. 

My life isn't perfect. It's just nice. There are rarely any highs. But there's happiness, gratitude, laughter, love, pleasure, learning, growing. I actually came here because I have a bit of vacation coming up, and that reminds me of the vacations on adderall: time flying by and feeling like a million dollars. I don't need to feel like a million dollars. I know it's not worth it. I know the cost for those highs are friendships, balance, health, coping skills, so much. In the last year my social life has come around so much, I've reconnected with many old friends (still an introvert though!) and my career has gone to unimaginable places. I used to think adderall was the key to career success. It did help in some ways. It did make me FEEL like I was doing so much more. I guess less is more, or maybe I'm just doing more without feeling it, because I've had some really nice breakthroughs and it only took ten years to get here. (only, ha ha)

I'm still single. Still sad that I'm not even looking for love because dating is like a second career and maybe I am not good at picking people whom I really want to date. I don't know if this will change and if, down the line, I'll be able to accept being alone in my older years. We'll see what happens. I don't overthink it too much. For now, I'm going to head out to the gym.

Oh, did I mention my weight is much more even without those starving pills? I eat better. So much better. Keto-ish style, although not by any means actually keto. Just try to eat more meats, salads, soups. I've been at a good weight for the last year, something I simply couldn't achieve once the adderall honeymoon passed. So there's that.

Pretty good all around, no?

Much love and many thanks to all the warriors here. Thank you to all who understand what a hellish journey this is/was. The validation is so meaningful. I wish everyone so much luck. My advice to myself (and perhaps helpful to others) is "the only way out is through" or something like that? You know the expression? There are no shortcuts. You want to get to the light, you gotta get through the hard stuff. If that's not the case for you, I'm happy for you! Shortcuts never worked for me. So off I go, to continue this journey on the long path.

[sirod9]

This is awesome! So happy for you  - I feel like we have a lot in common in this journey. so glad to see that we both stuck through the 1-year depression. In hindsight, I see my previous adderall use as "borrowing from tomorrow, to escape today" and not accepting that life is often times hum drum. Accepting the way I feel, day to day, is freeing. 

[SleepyStupid]

On 5/26/2023 at 10:19 AM, risingpheonix said:

For me, in the first months, while I slept a ridiculous amount and was not in the best spirits, the very fact that I saw myself get through the smallest assignment without adderall filled me with such a sense of accomplishment, it was so motivating! I was absolutely shocked that I could do x or do y without adderall. Each time I did something for the first time (since many years) without adderall, I felt like I summitted a mountain.

totally this! people often get trapped in their recovery waiting for some switch to flip or magically feeling of being "healed", but it's really about appreciating every victory and letting them add to the confidence of a post Adderall version of you.

thanks for sharing your story, it is very inspiring in it's honesty and reality (:

[risingpheonix]

On 5/29/2023 at 12:03 PM, sirod9 said:

This is awesome! So happy for you  - I feel like we have a lot in common in this journey. so glad to see that we both stuck through the 1-year depression. In hindsight, I see my previous adderall use as "borrowing from tomorrow, to escape today" and not accepting that life is often times hum drum. Accepting the way I feel, day to day, is freeing. 

My dear sirod9 - how are you doing? I feel like I have so much to learn from you and your wisdom. I almost always read quittingadderall on my phone and not on the computer, and I somehow can't log in from the phone, so I don't comment. But your support and insight here is invaluable. You are a good soul and your wisdom no doubt helped more than one person through the dark night (me!) How is life for you?

I once read a thread here by a guy who decided to quit and who came back to write regular updates on certain anniversaries. It was super interesting. He ended up finding Jesus, something I don't expect for me, but his updates were still so encouraging to me. I am thinking it would be great if more people can do that when they are further along in their journey.

So how's it going for you?

[sirod9]

19 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

My dear sirod9 - how are you doing? I feel like I have so much to learn from you and your wisdom. I almost always read quittingadderall on my phone and not on the computer, and I somehow can't log in from the phone, so I don't comment. But your support and insight here is invaluable. You are a good soul and your wisdom no doubt helped more than one person through the dark night (me!) How is life for you?

I once read a thread here by a guy who decided to quit and who came back to write regular updates on certain anniversaries. It was super interesting. He ended up finding Jesus, something I don't expect for me, but his updates were still so encouraging to me. I am thinking it would be great if more people can do that when they are further along in their journey.

So how's it going for you?

@risingpheonix - Same to you. We all help each other, and being able to give support and encouragement to others directly helps my own recovery from adderall. I'm doing well! Moving! and spearheading the whole thing myself, Stim free! I will have two years on the first, hallah!!