Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 It's taking a lot of courage to post this today. But I said I'd be honest, and I may be a fraud and a a failure but I'm not a liar. You guys know I have been looking hard for a job. This process is exhausting, mentally and psychologically, because I am still pretty early in recovery and my self esteem is pretty low, the mental fog hasn't really lifted altogether yet and I screwed up so badly towards the end of my last role that it's like facing my biggest fears every time I go in to interviews. I basically have to compartmentalize and pretend all that shit didn't happen to me a few months ago... that I didn't turn psycho, embarrass myself professionally and kill my reputation, end up in a psych ward and that my career is totally ruined. Nope, I have to hold my head high, walk in to each discussion bright and breezy, be the perfect professional. The whole thing feels sometimes so fake. I've applied for and gone through the interview process for 4 big roles. Each one of them has gone well the first and second rounds, and I've sabotaged myself in the last round... the one that counts. It is so tiring and frustrating. About 3 weeks ago I got a call about a role that honestly, was my dream job. Something I couldn't have even wished for - exactly the type of thing that fits my skill set, that I've wanted to do my whole life, that I didn't know actually existed. It was a stretch, that's for sure, even if I hadn't completely fucked up my career before. I was so excited and so nervous. I got through the first 2 rounds fine (one with a recruiter, then the hiring manager). I was so nervous every time the phone rang to see if I'd make it to the next step. Well, this time I did. Adderall free and everything! I was to meet the President of the firm, someone actually I have looked up to and admired from afar my whole career. Someone who you only get one shot with, and it is a make or break moment. The last 4 days for me as you know have been bad PAWS days. Almost impossible to get out of bed, depressed, anxious, hopeless. My big interview was yesterday, and I woke up feeling worse than ever. Probably worst I've felt since the first month. I was full of negative thoughts and self talk, why would anyone want to hire me, I'm such a failure, I've lost my edge etc etc. I knew I needed help. Interview was at 10am. I had a feeling there were a few adderall pills left in the bottom of a hat box in my study, and honestly I just couldn't resist. Honestly, it's the first time I've looked. I felt like a guilty junky going there. There were 3 little orange pills staring up at me. I needed to feel confident, happy, on my game. I really felt like there was no alternative. I took half at 8:00 and another half at 9:45. I think I did ok in the interview, although I probably talked too fast and too much. But there were times when I thought, "wow, that's a smart thing to say.. where did that come from'? And the meeting with the President seemed to go ok but as usual with people as senior as this it is very hard to tell. I said some smart things, I probably blathered on a bit. Honestly, I have no idea how it went. Was I too high even to be able to have appropriate self-moderation and emotional intelligence to garner the right messages in the interview? Ugh... the circle of self-analysis and post-mortem nit-picking I am capable of really is quite astounding sometimes. Then I went home. And the crash started happening. Absolute frustration with myself, annoyance that the one time it counted I couldn't have the guts to stand alone and take it on myself. I was so anxious, so jittery, so fucking annoyed at myself. I spent the afternoon walking around the house, pacing, anxious, eventually crying. And I haven't heard back from the recruiter, which is probably bad news. I was told this would happen pretty quickly, and I was one of only two finalists. This is not good. I am so worried I may have fucked up the biggest opportunity of my life. And I am annoyed that I didn't have the strength to get through without the fucking pill. Such a love-hate relationship. I am very disappointed with myself and I think you guys are about to give me a lashing which I probably deserve but really, really don't want right now. Just a big virtual hug would be great. Yes I still have 2 pills left. I know, I know. They will be flushed later today (I'm at starbucks right now), don't worry. This addiction thing has got a vice like grip on me, and no I didn't quit just once. It was day 84 clean yesterday, and now I have to start again. Please be kind. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 It seems like you're looking for high-up executive type jobs and from what I understand those kind of job searches take a while, so I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. It sounds really exhausting, all the shmoozing and networking you have to do. But don't you work in finance? Doesn't Wall Street have more than its share of alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals and sociopaths? I'm sure there are tons of people in your field who have messed up in some way and rebounded and gone on to great jobs. I mean, second chances are a distinctly American value, so long as your fuck up doesn't involve jail time! I don't consider taking one pill to be some kind of full-blown relapse, just a momentary fuck up. You're not starting over from scratch. When I relapsed I went to the doctor, got a script, went to the pharmacy and got that shit filled for, oh, the next nine months. Now that's starting over! Think of this one (minor) slip as a learning experience. The fact that you feel guilty about it shows how strong your conscience is in knowing that quitting is the right decision. The fact that you posted about it shows honestly and integrity. When I relapsed I lacked guilt and integrity - you are much more evolved than I was. I think you're going to be fine! (Hugs) Cassie 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 MFA I know you are down on yourself but Cassie is right - and this does not undo all of the work you have done. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 MFA, I agree with the others. and your attitude toward the slip up is a good one. some people who slip up dont get it. i know youll be okay again. I have to run off to something on my packed schedule. But I wanted to send a virtual hug. And Do NOT be upset if you don't get this! You are so so qualified for millions of other positions. You will land something. I heard the average job search takes like 8 months or something like that?Personally I think if you made it through two rounds you are totally qualified for the position. and just Whoever gets it, gets it. it will all work out in the end. edit - i heard the average job search takes 9 months. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle_Chaos Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 Yes, you didn't undo what you've accomplished. I know it's the principle of the matter, but still..your brain has recovered and you're still well on your way to a healthier life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 Thanks so much you guys. Means more than you will know. More soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 And now for a little tough love - I really hope you do not get this job because your success at this moment would somehow justify your recent and future adderall use and make it that much harder to stay off the shit. It is good to have guilt because you have a consience which may keep you from doing even more stupid shit. Don't be too hard on yourself, MFA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 To be honest, I think it's pretty understandable that you took one, and I think that a lot of people would have done the same thing in that situation. It was a big day and you were feeling unconfident and foggy. The fact that you're not running back for a refill is pretty admirable. Because for a lot of people, one slip up is the road back into it. It's crazy how Adderall messes with peoples' personalities and sense of identity. I've heard a lot of people wonder in hindsight about how our job performance would differ without it, or to what extent our job performance depends on it. It really messes with our sense of self-worth, our sense of identity. It changes the personality pretty dramatically, as though there are multiple selves. However, in the end I think it also brings out aspects of ourselves that are already there, but need to be focused and harnassed. You got those interviews without it, so you already have it all within you! But there were other things you wanted to bring out in that moment--the confidence and clarity you felt that you lacked. Adderall is a shortcut to bring out things that are very hard to summon sometimes. But then it also inhibits other aspects, like the ability to self-moderate, the ability to calmly, confidently, cooly speak your truth, in the moment, from the center of your being. On or off it, you are still you; aspects of you are still there, but different ones are emphasized. I'm sure you did well and would have done well without it. But on or off it, those situations are very competitive, and depend on a lot of factors. Who knows what other experiences the other finalist might have? The whole thing doesn't depend on whether you took it or not. The situation is mostly just out of your hands. You probably didn't make or break your chances just by taking it; that's what I'm trying to say. If you spoke too fast, they probably took it as nervousness, which is totally normal in that setting, and is really just a sign that the person cares. Whatever happens, obviously you're a very competitive excellent candidate. So, please, try not to be too hard on yourself. We adderallics have a tendency to do that, on or off it. You are neither a fraud nor a failure! One of the first steps to moving forward from a mistake is self-forgiveness. We all make mistakes, it's how we learn, and it's inevitable. Virtual hugs!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 I totally agree with occasional01. You did your best, prob shouldn't have popped that, for your own sake, but whether you get the job or not depends on a lot more than anyone can fathom. If you do get it it won't be because of the addy, nor will it be due to the addy if you don't. myriad reasons why you will or won't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 Big hugs to you MFA -- you've been such great support to me in the short time I've been on this site. Not just your comments to my crazy posts but I've gotten so much out of reading your other posts. You can never undo the amount of work you have done which makes you 100 steps ahead of the game. You know what to do and the best advice I can give you is to get right back up into abstinence and recovery asap. It's going to be so much easier that way. You are human and everyone fucks up every now and then. Don't let that define you. If you learn something from this experience it will make you stronger. xoxo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 All this support and wisdom is really beyond appreciated. I agree with all of it... even you (mostly), QuitOnce... I really could do with the job and it would be a tremendous boost to my confidence even though if I do get it, I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and know it wasn't without the help of my little orange frenemy. I'm home now and have flushed the other pills. I even went through the rest of my desk drawers and nightstand and under the bed and anywhere else I thought they might be. I want to know I can do this on my own. One thing Occasional1 you said is absolutely bang-on: there is something adderall does in the latter stages, it should be in the phase 6-8 on that other post... it strips away your ego, your sense of who you are and what you offer to the world. I had no idea what that even meant before adderall, but when my sister came to stay and saw me in the first few weeks she was in tears because she said that I just had "disappeared" as a person. Let it be a lesson to me and maybe others -- even if you think you have the firmest grip on recovery, that you think you've kicked this thing and it's beyond you, adderall is a liar of a mistress and will tell you you're nothing without it, especially at the most trying of times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 All this support and wisdom is really beyond appreciated. I agree with all of it... even you (mostly), QuitOnce... I really could do with the job and it would be a tremendous boost to my confidence even though if I do get it, I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and know it wasn't without the help of my little orange frenemy. I think QuitOnce was saying that if you get the job the concern is that you will BELIEVE you got it because of the Add, not that you really did get it because of that...and as Sky said it probably had less impact (either way) then you think - if you get the job YOU got it in spite of and not because of the Addy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 MFA, You've been working so hard on your recovery. Virtual hugggsss. We all know how badly you want this, so you'll get there. There's a lot of pressure on you in early recovery. If I had that kind of pressure, I can almost be certain I would've relapsed....still worry about starting a "big girl" job and doing it on my own....a day at a time. You want this sobriety, so I have faith you will do it. You're stopping yourself from a full-blown relapse and that's so important. All you can do is learn from this and whatever you do....don't beat yourself up. I mean, if we're not beating you up, you definitely don't get to beat yourself up. We'd be the first ones to make sure you make yourself accountable, but you're already owning up and doing that all by yourself. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 Sniff, now you're making me teary-eyed! I'm just so grateful to have you guys around. I'm supposed to be back on the job boards today, making connections with people, back at it with a vengeance, hussling, but I just want to sit on the couch with my hoodie up and feel sorry for myself. Fucking adderall. Don't know whether to blame the stupid drug or myself. Thank you again, I am revisiting this page far more often than I should probably. It's like going back to the box of chocolates for a third, fourth time. Really, it's such a blessing to hear that the rest of my entire life isn't doomed (even though my gremlins are particularly loud today). And Cassie, you're right - that's one thing about America that I love; and have always said. The people of this fine nation have more individual determinism than I've seen in any other country in the world (and I've lived in 4 different countries). Maybe I should use this time off to finally get around to getting my citizenship! (I have a green card). Studying for that test can't be toooo hard, can it? Be a good test of whether my memory is returning, I guess... and will take me off the writing fancy cover letters, spending my day on LinkedIn, talking to headhunters blah blah blah... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 honestly MFA, reading how you dealt with your relapse, flushing the final pills and digging through your others stuff for more pills to flush and all...put a smile on my face. now that is relapsing with style. youre going to be okay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomedayDreamer Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 I don't know if I can explain this in a helpful way (that makes sense), but one of my favorite authors, Anthony DeMello, said that ridding yourself of a dependency/attachment does not come from renouncing it, to renounce it is to bind yourself to it even further (i.e. because forbidden fruit always tempts) Rather, it comes from real awareness of what the dependency/attachment does to you and what it steals-- it sounds like yesterday, the relapse made you very aware of what addy does to you, and what it ultimately steals from you. Maybe that awareness you experienced will safeguard you better than renouncing (don't mean to sound trippy but I find it helpful, personally.... just offering hugs too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Awwww...chica, you still got the best shoulder blades in town. LOL. And thank fuckin God you were able to make it safely to a Starbucks! ! Just trying to make you laugh cuz I know you're going hard on yourself. That's all. Relapse tends to be more of a process, an event vs. An incident. Finding a job is huge of course,especially I'm the moving and grooving corporate world (fuck,I'd fall apart..I like slinging hash) its serious shit...you know its all about your own Merritt...not the even slightly enhanced Merritt...the edge you were looking for coulda gone really bad...what if you had really wiled out cuz of some flukey reaction/guilt thing...what would Mr. Spacely (jettsons refer) have thought then? ?? You're already feeling like you are...imagine leaving the interview. Knowing people were like...WTF??? not the case..but I think the slip may be trying to show you ya gotta tweak something...or have a full sweep of the hacienda done...I know you know these things and so much more...you fucked up....past tense...keep it that way sugarplum! ! . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 To renounce it is to bind yourself to it even further (i.e. because forbidden fruit always tempts) Rather, it comes from real awareness of what the dependency/attachment does to you and what it steals-- it sounds like yesterday, the relapse made you very aware of what addy does to you, and what it ultimately steals from you. I don't think there is anything wrong with renouncing it, so long as it is also accompanied by a realization of why you're renouncing it.... and that is for all the reasons you've all mentioned. Maybe we're just talking semantics. I get it, though. You have to accept and understand fully what you are renouncing - not just the drug but the evil that goes with it. Doing so can take you from a "shallow" anger-style-grieving-process to a fuller understanding of what you gain, as well as what you lose in the letting go process. Now I'm not sure if THAT makes sense! If any of you are finding yourselves in a relapse-type-situation nearly 90 days in, I can tell you, the act of popping a pill might be euphoric (for a couple of hours or so), but the crash is nasty nasty, and lasts hours and hours longer. I spent most of the morning in tears, with major anxiety and paranoia, and I'm sure a reasonable amount of that was the residual effects of the drug wearing off. My body has a strange reaction to it now that I'm effectively clean again (maybe not pure as the driven snow, but a lot closer to it than ever before)... the high is not as high as it once was (of course), but the low is fucking AWFUL and actually reminds me from how I used to feel when I partied a ton the clubbing scene when I first moved to New York, and used to do a binge on weekends on MDMA and coke. I would get home at 6am on Saturday morning, try to sleep, but usually just chain smoke until I felt suicidal. Seriously, folks - if you've gotten most of that junk out of your system, you don't want to feel how I felt today in the come down. Nasty stuff. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Awwww...chica, you still got the best shoulder blades in town. LOL. And thank fuckin God you were able to make it safely to a Starbucks! ! Just trying to make you laugh cuz I know you're going hard on yourself. That's all. Relapse tends to be more of a process, an event vs. An incident. Finding a job is huge of course,especially I'm the moving and grooving corporate world (fuck,I'd fall apart..I like slinging hash) its serious shit...you know its all about your own Merritt...not the even slightly enhanced Merritt...the edge you were looking for coulda gone really bad...what if you had really wiled out cuz of some flukey reaction/guilt thing...what would Mr. Spacely (jettsons refer) have thought then? ?? You're already feeling like you are...imagine leaving the interview. Knowing people were like...WTF??? not the case..but I think the slip may be trying to show you ya gotta tweak something...or have a full sweep of the hacienda done...I know you know these things and so much more...you fucked up....past tense...keep it that way sugarplum! ! . I love you to pieces Heather but this one was lost on me, I'm afraid. Cultural references maybe? What's slinging hash? Who is Mr Spacey? What do you mean by the full sweep of the hacienda (it's poetic, by the way, I just have no clue what it means).... sorry my dear, I'm a cultural philistine... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Slinging hash ...is waiting tables.( I would be lost in the corporate world). Mr. Spacely was George jettsons boss on the cartoon And full sweep of your house...hacienda...for any forgotten stashes ...but I think you handled that. Lol...I'm a weird one...like the girl on the blue bus...tell me you get that one??? Hahaha 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Wow, I need a RI glossary! I'm Australian. I get nothing (except how to kill big fucking spiders with the back of my shoe... I'm bloody awesome at that!). Girl on the blue bus? Here's some language in my mother tongue in reply: no wucking furries , mate, she'll be apples, you're a pretty good shiela.. .... Anyhow, today I've been flat out like a lizard drinkin and it's time to roll out my Matilda and look at the inside of me eyelids for a jif. Nighty night, you great big nong. (translated: no worries, everything's going to be fine... you're a lovely woman. it's been a very busy day so I'm going to go to sleep now. Goodnight, you big loser - but in Australian that's actually a kind of compliment if said in the right tone). Noighty noight! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Love it girl are you really from down under. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 See ...we're even now!!! The blue bus is smaller than the yellow variety...it often has a chicken wire like material over the windows. Anyone can ride it I guess...but for a free ticket....well,you have to be kinda" special "...and fuckin A...I.am that! !! LOL so cool,cool girl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 I totally agree with occasional01. You did your best, prob shouldn't have popped that, for your own sake, but whether you get the job or not depends on a lot more than anyone can fathom. If you do get it it won't be because of the addy, nor will it be due to the addy if you don't. myriad reasons why you will or won't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tell me you knew who Mr Spacely was???? I'm counting on someone here! !! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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