Relapsed yesterday

[quit-once]

Wasn't he the fat cigar chompin white shirt wearing boss of geroge jetson?

[quit-once]

And now for a little tough love - I really hope you do not get this job because your success at this moment would somehow justify your recent and future adderall use and make it that much harder to stay off the shit. It is good to have guilt because you have a consience which may keep you from doing even more stupid shit. Don't be too hard on yourself, MFA.

MFA, I need to revise my response to you from yesterday. It was written in a hurry and I just don't like what I said, so let me explain and revise.

First, I do not wish you any ill will from going to your interview on adderall. To say I hope you don't get the job, even if you are qualified for it, is just wrong and I apologize for that. Krax did interperet my response correctly, however, so let me put the reasoning for my response in my own words.

If you were sucessful in the interview, some of that success would have to be attributed to adderall. It is like a fucked up posivitive re-enforcement and my concern was when the going gets tough later on, you would look back on how adderall helped through that interview, and crave adderall again when you needed to make another big impression.

If you were not sucessful in getting that job from the interview (while you were high), your failure can also partially be blamed on taking the adderall.

In either case, like Sky said, there were other factors in play. Like the qualifications and who knows what other network-related relationships with the other candidate. And your own qualifications too. Maybe he called your old boss who told him you went crazy on him, before offering you the job. Maybe they knew each other?

The bottom line is that adderall really complicated the whole process. There is no do-over of another interview without adderall involved. Learn from this experience that adderall will ALWAYS make things so much more complicated, never easier or smoother or faster or better. Congratulations to you for staying the course of quitting - you are already on day three now.

One last question: did you tell your husband about the "relapse"?

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks QA. Well re-worded. I get it, and that's what I was also trying to rephrase in my earlier post as well. The adderall factor will never go away from my memory of the interview. But yeah, I still really do want this job.

You asked the question I've been dreading to answer. No, I haven't told my husband. Partly because I'm a pussy and I know it would distress him to no end; and partly because he had a super shitty week - he didn't get the promotion he was wanting, nor did he get the bonus he was expecting. He found those two things out this week, the day after I had my relapse. I want to give him a bit of time to breathe and relax before we have the conversation. But I will tell him, this weekend sometime or early next week (depending on whether he relaxes at all this weekend, he's in a pretty bad place right now and doesn't want to speak to anyone really). You're spot on - he's my sponsor and my best friend so he deserves to know. I hope he doesn't give me a really hard time but I'm sure he will.

Thanks for taking the time to rephrase.

But there is one thing you said at the end... are you really telling me that I start again from zero? SHIT. I was counting down the days till day 90. Great. Now it's nearly April before I can say I'm clean again?! C'mon really? That makes me depressed beyond measure.

[Heather67]

Wasn't he the fat cigar chompin white shirt wearing boss of geroge jetson?

[Heather67]

Hell yeah baby!!!!! He was indeed the CEO of SPACELY SPROCKETS!!!

[Heather67]

Totally messed up my quote box!!! LOL

[quit-once]

When it comes to addiction and using, it is all or none and I see it as black and white with no gray in the middle (and I am not a very judgemental person). If somebody asks you how long you have been clean, that is the time since taking your last pill, cigarette, puff, drink, or fix. That is simply the price you must pay for a relapse, no matter how minor it was. Will the next 90 days be as rough as your first 90 days of recovery because you took one fuckin pill? Not hardly, especially when it comes to how you feel. When it comes to the urge to use, however, you have definately made it tougher on yourself by taking that one fuckin pill. Have you hade any subsequent cravings or are you so thoroughly disgusted with yourself that even the thought of taking adderall makes you ill?

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Have you hade any subsequent cravings or are you so thoroughly disgusted with yourself that even the thought of taking adderall makes you ill?

No I haven't had any other cravings, and even if I did I have abolutely zero access to adderall now. I changed doctors, told my previous doctor he was a drug pushing lunatic and threatened to litigate, actually; and I am dealing with the hows and wherefores of addiction/recovery with my new doc, so there's no way she will prescribe it to me ever.

I think you're a wise dude, so I get where you are coming from. I just think that there needs to be a balance with motivation. I have come a really long way, and sure the journey is by no means over, I haven't reached the stability and assurance that you, InRecovery, Ashley, Cassie and others may have, but I'm a damn sight straighter than I was 3 months ago. I just think starting at zero again would make me unnecessarily depressed, and I'm hard enough on myself already as it as...

[quit-once]

Could anybody please tell us how "clean time" or "sober time" is counted by the folks in NA/AA? I honestly don't know the answer.

[FALCON]

Motivation_Follows_Action

Hey sorry I am late with this post I jest read your post on relapsing today NO I am not going to beet you up because I like you and you do have honer and good corrector. So I will give you a big hug and a peck on the check and tell you you did not fuck up lets jest call it a little hiccup the main thing is that you realize what has has happind and learn from it it was not a mistake it was a learning lessen for you and it probably made you a stronger person don’t beat up on your self to bad I hope you will get the job butt if you don’t please go easy on your self it jest wasn’t meant to be or maybe it is meant to be and you will get the job. Your patients are getting the best of you get a hold of your self you know the corporate world makes desisons in slow motion thy jest take there sweet old time be patient my love you jest may be surprised

Jest do all your quit adderall friends don’t start using again you will make it in the corporate world without adderall you don’t need the shit to be successful did you forget the grip this fucken drug had on you you lost your old job because of adderall stay clean Love FALCON

[lea]

In my experience - AA and NA count clean time by # of days abstinent -- you either used a mind-altering substance or you didn't. People can reinterpret this based on say, drinking alcohol when your drug of choice is addy -- but this is generally seen as denial since living a 12-step lifestyle does not involve use of mind-altering substances for any purpose, recreational or otherwise. Individual circumstances ultimately determine whether a lapse becomes a relapse and sponsors are helpful with this. In my opinion, living by the 12-steps is a healthy way to live - addict or not. When I work towards following these principals my focus is shifted away from isolation induced misery and more towards being part of something bigger - life, giving back, getting out of my head, social and spiritual aspects of life.

[Heather67]

In my experience - AA and NA count clean time by # of days abstinent -- you either used a mind-altering substance or you didn't. People can reinterpret this based on say, drinking alcohol when your drug of choice is addy -- but this is generally seen as denial since living a 12-step lifestyle does not involve use of mind-altering substances for any purpose, recreational or otherwise. Individual circumstances ultimately determine whether a lapse becomes a relapse and sponsors are helpful with this. In my opinion, living by the 12-steps is a healthy way to live - addict or not. When I work towards following these principals my focus is shifted away from isolation induced misery and more towards being part of something bigger - life, giving back, getting out of my head, social and spiritual aspects of life.

[Heather67]

Leah has that shit down!!!! Total abstinence.of anything that alters oneself. I was a strait addict in a.a for 3 years ...identified myself as one too( that is not copasetic with a.a old timers...you say.alcoholic! !! Yeah,yeah its tricky and maybe weird but I ain't gonna fight city hall)... they said total abstinence and that's what I did....I maybe drank a couple times a year.....but I followed the rules. Some don't...alotta marijuana maintenance in both programs.....GATEWAY..GATEWAY...RED ALERT!!! they figure if ypi get out of it..you're not I'n control and who knows what you'll fuckin do all potted up!!!! LOL. This is the 12 step way....doesn't have to be everybody's way more is it....the general guidelines taught me a shit ton I never knew tho....very healthy take on owning ones shit and processing it! !!! Bill w. Is my homeboy! !!!

[sky]

the time clean isn't for anyone but you, so whatever keeps you motivated and on course is what you should consider it... I've said before that after a certain point I stop counting because to me that is a tie to the past and who I used to be, not who I am in the now... eventually, the adderall will be a chapter in your life, not who you still are. That is what I didn't like about NA, the counting... I mean, people with decades clean and sober are still counting?? It didn't make sense to me, at a certain point I don't want to keep recalling where I came from, but that's just me. What matters is the now, who I am... sooooo, keep on keepin on sheila...

[lea]

with a.a old timers...you say.alcoholic! !!

homeboy bill w

I had the same issue being a druggie in AA - I always felt disingenuous saying alcoholic since etoh had never been my d.o.c. hopefully my message didn't convey a diehard follower of everything 12-step -- for me it's been helpful for the most part, I agree with sky though that counting is not for everyone. I have equal opportunity respect for any program that keeps a person clean because that's the bottom line.

[ashley6]

Lea,

I haven't gone to AA regularly, but I have gone, even gotten a couple chips. I just couldn't bring myself to say "alcoholic," because I'll drink here and there, but alcohol isn't an issue for me. My counselor, who is an AA old timer, knows what I do, and she told me it's kind of a personal decision. She said I absolutely deserved the chips because I've abstained from my DOC, and that was enough. I guess many addicts have personalities that they are addicts with any mind-altering substance. I respect AA and think it's a great place for addicts of any kind to get/stay sober. That was my only issue with it. I didn't want to feel like a fraud.

[Greg]

Tell me you knew who Mr Spacely was???? I'm counting on someone here! !! LOL

GEORGE! YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!

[Heather67]

I agree Leah! ! Other peoples recovery is none of my business...some people got mad freaked over what others did,or how....who gives a fuck. U don't have to do it or live it...you can only keep your own side o the street clean so let it go. I felt like they wanted me to conform...they thought I wanted to be special or different. .I felt like a sell out..but I let it go...ya gotta do that alotta in life anyway. Whether or not u give up addies..heroin or booze..clean or sober count or don't...plenty of people are miserable!!!! That's not the name of the game...if that's how shit was gonna be..I'd use!!! Why not. U think everything suxs anyway....u have to find who you are without the ob livion of drugs in the equation. Change the way you look at shit and the shit you're lookin at will change.I was my own worst enemy...till I looked inward. To me that's the important part of recovery. Finding out maybe what led you and why to becoming an addict In the first fuckin place...what the fuck is just removing the substance gonna tell ya about that. Just my opinion.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I never realized until this very moment that there was a way of "cheating" in to AA, if you know what I mean. Feels weird doesn't it to say "alcohol" when you mean "adderall", and the whole purpose of AA is to be true to thine own self.... I went to a few meetings, and I don't know what it was about it that I didn't like, but I usually left feeling guilty about the fact that I was genuinely entertained by how magnificently people had managed to fuck up their lives.... would parade their battle scars with pride almost. There's an AA open meeting on Sunday nights just down the road from me and sometimes I used to go, ahem, because it was more entertaining than the telly. Talk about learning through storytelling. And man, does it give you perspective.

But I digress. As for the "how long" question, I guess it doesn't matter, so long as I just never return to it as long as I live. I quit in 2012... that's all.

Thanks again everyone, the entire dysfunctional family chipped in here and I couldn't have asked for anything more or less. I'll let you guys know one way or the other whether I get the job.... and will try to relax and enjoy the weekend while I can. I hope you are all doing the same thing.

By the way, I went to a party for a little while tonight... a friend of mine was having an "early inauguration" party for our [your?] Presidential commencement this week. Yes it was kind of boring and ho-hum and I wanted to be at home in front of the telly; but I did observe that my social anxiety is definitely dissipating, and I wasn't the uncomfortably shy woman in the corner that I would have been a few weeks ago. I was shouting in my Aussie accent up there with the best of them, raising my diet coke, debating healthcare and the economy and fiscal and social policy like only the most neurotic New Yorkers can. I make a good impostor, if I say so myself... and I can say just about anything and people smile, because it's coming out in a weird accent....