Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 When the fuck will I start feeling better on a consistent basis? Just so exhausted and unmotivated. Spent today fighting with my husband over money, I'm teary and depressed and have a bloody awful headache that's been lingering since last night. Supposed to go workout in a moment and I'm so pissed off at the world and all I want to do is go back go bed and cry. sorry everyone i dno't mean to take it out I'm just really sad today. fucking adderall and how it's ruined my life. I am turning 40 in less than a month and have NOTHING to show for it - no house, no kids, no job. I feel like a failure as a human being. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 let yourself have a crappy day! you know this is just one of those low point in the roller coaster of life days... perhaps set off by something, perhaps you just woke up that way. It will pass, you know this. tomorrow will be another day, hopefully you will feel better, but if not tomorrow then certainly the next day. and, if for some reason, not that day, then surely the day after that. And, if not that day either, well then, all we can do is hope that the day after that you begin to feel better. and, if that day is also equally or somehow worse than the preceding days, we can only hope and pray that the day after is better. and, if when you awake on that day, still life is sucking, well then, we can rest assured that certainly and with out a doubt, the next day will be better. but, if you find that when you wake up on that next morning, things are still not better, and in fact are worse, quite possibly worse by a factor of many and much, well then, all we can do is surmise that one day, hopefully soon, perhaps not, it will feel better.... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 Sky said it well. As one of our members said before, we have to pay our dues, and the really difficult days are a testament to that. Our addiction didn't happen overnight, and recovery can't either. Around 90 days was a really rough time period for me, and it seems to be the consensus for others. Breathe. You'll get through it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 MFA, I can't tell you how many times I have said that. Fucking PAWS. Especially, before you discovered us...I think every one of my posts was some variation of 'fucking PAWS' right oldtimers? Some days you just wake up and you can feel it in your body. And it comes in waves. Use this as motivation not to relapse because you do not want to start over and go through PAWS again right? This is the arrow coming out, and your brain is healing. And just dont put an ounce of pressure on yourself right now and ride it out. Before long PAWS will be better and you will feel better and there will be days when you feel great too! And as Ashley mentioned above, the 90 day mark is really tough. That's when I relapsed the first time, and so many people have attested to this period being a really trying time. Pat yourself on the back for another day of staying clean, and good for you for still going to the gym despite the PAWS. Hang in there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 MIA you are NOT a failure as a human being! You are having a bad day. House, kids, job..... meh. Are those the real measures of success? You have a lot of good things going for you. I see you as a powerful, open, kind, helpful, strong badass woman with an amazing future and just going through a recovery process towards better health. Fighting with your husband over money is reason for anyone to feel horrible, but PAWS on top of it.....ouch! Good call on going to the gym. Just go work it out, take it all out on your muscles. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, this is not an easy thing that you're doing! I really like what you said, InRecovery......this is your recovery process. It's your brain healing. I'm going to remember those words on my next PAWS day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Yeah, around the three month mark sucks balls. I remember those days of just feeling horrible for days and days on end. And fighting with my husband too (I found it easier to just be alone a lot for the first six months of recovery). It's the worst, but if you can make it through just a couple more months you'll begin feeling more sane and consistent. Distract yourself as much as possible so the time goes faster. Think of this as one big waiting game. Netflix can be your best friend. You're not a failure because you don't have a house and kids, and jobs come and go. Money comes and goes. Do you really want to be just like everyone else for the sake of conformity? I think some bored housewives would kill for your jet-setting New York life free of kids and a mortgage. I think a lot of moms who own houses hate their lives, and their kids and picket fences aren't making them feel like raging successes. There are pros and cons to everything and the grass is always greener on the other side. This depression shall pass (I know, I'm full of cliches but they're true). I think the hardest part of early recovery is having faith that things will get better. We are really good at examining the past but terrible at envisioning the future, so it really is a test of faith. That's why us long timers are still here, to tell you that you'll feel different in another three months, and another three months, and another three months, until one day you feel better than you ever imagined you could, and you're so much better in every capacity than you ever were on speed. Hugs! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cjw31 Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Well I happen to think you are great. your vocab is prolific and your kindness is profuse. Chris 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 I second that!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Thanks guys. Teamwork in action here - it's amazing how much writing from random anonymous people can make you feel so much better. I did go to the gym. Tomorrow I have yet another huge interview for a job I'm waaaaay underqualified for (didn't hear back about that previous job by the way, so I'm assuming no news is bad news in that case), I'm hoping I don't wake up feeling the same as I did today. sky - you ALWAYS make me laugh. I get it, it will get better eventually. It better fucking do so. Ashley - knowing the 90 day period is rough is comforting, believe it or not. InRecovery - yeah, you're right. I did have some pretty strong cravings today. Thank goodness I flushed the rest :-) Occasional1 - your words mean a lot, especially coming from someone smart like you. You think I'm all those things? Jeez, I'm either really good at lying or I you're a born motivator, because those things you said are super nice. Really. I will visit them often Cjw - thanks, dude. Known you for a short time but I think you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Cassie - just read your add. Thanks and yeah, I know I focus on the "outside" things more than I should. It's just frightening to be a grown up sometimes you know. I've been watching a Law & Order marathon tonight, having taken all the cushions off the couch and made a makeshift bed on the floor (does anyone else do this?). I bought cooking chocolate to bake cookies for my husband to take to his work tomorrow for someone's birthday, but I'm eating all the chocolate chips - fuck it. I read somewhere once that highly successful, powerful women eat more chocolate on average than other women. Correlation = causation, right?! You people make me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. How's that for acerbic vocabulary? :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Not being nice MIA, just speaking the truth!! You're not a liar at all, it's just what I've gathered from talking to you on here and if I didn't think it I wouldn't say it. Glad you will keep them with you! A complement is a great thing to keep in your back pocket -- Way better than pills 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Motivation_Follows_Action Hay baby my good friend try to calm your self down I know its easier said then done mony mony mony that’s the number one thing cupales argue about . OK you are having a bad day we all go thru them you are jest frustrated right now you feel hopeless I do understand you are very emotional today maybe your housebound had a bad day also so your both feeling shity and you where on each others nerves. Tomorrow is a another day whit new challenges a fresh new day and I hope with a good night sleep you will be OK. I can feel you you are a very loving person big heart and compassionate please try to get out of this temporary slump your in it hearts me to see you in pain I wish I can be there for you and give you a huge and tell you everything will be OK and you will get your financial maters under control it will take time and jest a little more patients on your part you need to keep something in your mind things may never be the same again everything changes nothing stays the same so for your sanity please try to except what I am trying to express to you may never be at the same place you where once in your life theirs nothing we can do its OK things change people change life is always changing so adapt and do not consider your self a looser your jest having a little bad luck right now it will get better it will pass trust this old man. Love you FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 When the fuck will I start feeling better on a consistent basis? Just so exhausted and unmotivated. Spent today fighting with my husband over money, I'm teary and depressed and have a bloody awful headache that's been lingering since last night. Supposed to go workout in a moment and I'm so pissed off at the world and all I want to do is go back go bed and cry. sorry everyone i dno't mean to take it out I'm just really sad today. fucking adderall and how it's ruined my life. I am turning 40 in less than a month and have NOTHING to show for it - no house, no kids, no job. I feel like a failure as a human being. You're NOT a failure. I wish i could give you some helpful advice, or insight as to when things will get better...but i have no idea. How long have you been off the adderall? I forget. From what i have read, it'll take 1 year or a bit more to feel "normal" againxoxo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Hey girl.....most definitely say fuck it!! I had those days all week...went from laughing hysterically at my state of exsistence to sobbing...relishing my twin bed(at 45????good times indeed) out of sheer depression and boredom to loathing it for being my catalyst to waking up and doing it ALLLLLLLL OVER AGAIN!!!! ALL OVER THE EMOTIONAL MAP. Flipping from highly motivated induced by painful boredom...to feeling so beaten down and lost I just wanted to walk out of the apt. And never come back. Complete case of the FUCK ITS!!!!! These are tests, they are the trial and error, the cause and effect ,that documents our individual exsistence. The schematics of the shit we go through....to be used as tools to piece together our stories. Reflections to oneday maybe know why it had to be that way. I place faith in spirituality...a sense of self exsisting along with things not of this realm....that realm is of ones own choosing....we're really meant to have much simpler lives I believe....but humans get good at messing up even the best laid plans,myself included .... but till its the past and not the present ....ride it out on a wave of chocolate girl...we're here for ya!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 MFA, Are you having a better day today? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Thanks so much guys. Not such a great day today, no. I had the interview which didn't go well. I am sabotaging myself because I feel like I have really lost my edge. Honestly it's been over a year since I did a job where was "in the zone", highly respected for what I do, felt like I was a real expert in my field. I try to keep up with journals and market publications and things but it's very different from being in the hustle and flow of the workplace. I can't really count my last workplace as this, though, because the entire experience from day one was so tinged by massive adderall addiction that I have no real sense of what I did, whom and how I interacted with people, how I added value. Also I found out I didn't get that job I told you about a couple of weeks ago -- the one where I had taken 20mg adderall before the final interview. I am not sure why, they never give reasons really, fucking headhunters just say "oh you were great, we think we may have a better fit for you somewhere else though". Is it too convenient to say I can blame the adderall for my performance in the interview? Probably. Because it's a GREAT way of making sure I stay off the fucking stuff for. fucking. ever. I am sure, to sky's point, I will find maybe tomorrow is a better day. Another day, another job application. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy people and I find interacting with them on business issues to be strangely therapeutic when you get it right, but it is very unexciting for me to "tell mu story" over and over again. The modern day recruiting process is really very antiquated. But I am boring you. Anyway, Ashley I really appreciate you reaching out and FALCON yeah, I could do with that hug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 MFA, Not to belabour (spelled the Aussie way?) the point about the job you didn't get...but the whole experience left a horrible, nasty tast in your mouth from your one last fling with adderall. Looking back on it, it could just be the best outcome you couldn't have immagined. I see nothing wrong with blaming adderall for your failure to get that job, even if it is very convenient to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 Ok just to let you guys know I have an official scientific observation that PAWS episodes fucking suck balls That's my peer reviewed submission. Yes you can quote me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 That. Is. Hilarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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