Mike

Hey Godshairpiece, I know this may sound simplistic, but have you thought about just cutting your dose in half and seeing how it goes? Right now you're choosing between extremes. You're trying to make a choice between being a warm, loving failure or a preoccupied, unfeeling success. And neither of those options sound good (understandably). Lazy failure or top of your class. Tons of personality or none at all. Heart or mind. When choosing between "No Adderall at all" or "lots of Adderall", these extremes are the only options possible. But what if you tried a half dose for a while? Personality and Adderall-superfocus are inversely connected. The more you increase one, the more you decrease the other. But it works the other way too. You can cut down on your Adderall to cut UP on your personality and all the qualities your wife misses. If you are conflicted, try just making a big dose cut first. Try it for a while and see how it suits you. Only quit completely if you have a damned good reason to and you're ready for the pain it takes to rebuild afterwards. Note that cutting your dose in half won't be a minor change to your life. It will be like half-quitting. Your drive and motivation and focus will go down, and you'll have to build up your natural willpower to compensate. But in the gap left by the lower dose will be your heart and your personality filling back in. Even if ultimately you can only be "somewhat near the top of your class" with a half dose (vs. very top of your class), and even if it takes more stubborn self-discipline to stay committed than you're accustomed to needing on Adderall, it may well be worth it to get back a little of that self that's taken a backseat. You can strike a balance. I've seen it done. You're on the right track with already making your dose consistent.

It scares me sometimes how shared the Adderall experience is. I know exactly what you're talking about. You know the road sign that signifies a cross street? I always found those sign horribly convicting whenever I'd pass them. I'd look at the sideways bar and think "that's where I am right now...going sideways, off my main course".

Hi jdmallory20, 1. You start by lowering your dose and holding it there. Make the dose consistent, even if it's a little high (as long it's slightly lower than usual). Get off the binge/crash cycle. Restore a little sanity to your life. Do that first, then take it from there. 2. You cannot quit without the pain, and it is an extremely lonely battle...there's not really a way around it. That's why you have to make sure before hand that quitting is worth it to you. 3. On your teeth problem: I don't know if this helps at all, but Adderall (plus all the sugary drinks I consumed while on Adderall) screwed up my teeth as well, but now they're all nice and fixed. I got my uppers fixed in the US, and my lowers fixed in Mexico. If I had it to do over again, I would have gone to Mexico first instead of throwing away so much money in the states. I paid less than 1/3 the cost of what the US dentist quoted me, and comparing the two, I like the teeth I got done in Mexico better than the ones I got done in the US. So you're paying way less money for comparable or better work, and you get to take a vacation. You just have to deal with all the fear and sketchiness associated with going down there...but it was totally worth it, IMHO. And you won't be alone. There are tons of people down there doing the same thing. So if you've got more than $2k in teeth problems, you may want to seriously look into taking a trip across the border. Hang in there, buddy. You can get through this crap if you just keep pushing.

I'm on it. It's coming in like a flood, sorry. I'm locking things down now and working to cut down what's there now. Bear with me. I'll get it dammed eventually.

Hi btime, You can get me here: mike at quittingadderall.com

Hi Cat, Thanks for your comment. Look, right now you're at ground zero. Every day from here on out is going to be a different you, a different path, all moving up and away from this moment. You have nowhere to go but up. But "up" may not feel like "up". It may feel like "getting worse and worse" for a while, because (in my experience) the first phase after quitting Adderall is the "purification by tragic destruction" phase. This is when everything that isn't absolutely essential to who you really are dies. So be prepared for this purification by fire and destruction. Think of dropping an object into flames, burning away everything that isn't fireproof. That's going o be you. The problem is that right now, you don't know what's fireproof and what's flammable. But you're going to find out, probably the hard way. You may lose everything, but find your self. That's the trade you're making. Remember that when things start dieing and changing. In the end, when you look back, you will hopefully see that the things you lost didn't quite fit you like they were, as much as it hurt to lose them. So hang on tight, get better, fight for the things you shouldn't lose, let go the things you should, and once you've stripped your life down to nothing but the minimum, work on building it back better than ever.

That's awesome, Lilah. Congratulations! I didn't know you were a web developer. I'm a developer too, but much more weighted to the programming side of things. I used to try my hand at design, and could do it passably in most cases, but since I quit Adderall I don't even attempt design unless absolutely forced too. I stick to programming, which is less creatively-demanding for me than design (at least programming starts out with a functional goal...design can go ANYWHERE). I still hate it, but for me it's different: I never chose it as a career, and yet I'm stuck with it for now. Long story. So glad to hear you made it. It can be so much happier on this side, when you beat your demons on your own. 1 year is a huge moment. Since it has to be such a personal and unshared success...you might want to do something nice for yourself. Like spend a little money on something stupid that makes you happy. Usually for me this means food. Since you're a cook, maybe you could splurge on something for the kitchen like one of those flat irons they put on top of meat at restaurants to make the sear distribute evenly (I'm projecting now...I want one of those). Then that thing will forever be an object of your success, made all the more meaningful because it is related to a passion that you found by quitting.

I never would of thought of that. And I actually have a friend who calls his Adderall "my precious". That's totally going on the list now.

Ah that makes sense. I see your point now. Hope you don't mind: I'm probably going to quote you on that if I use Crank in the post. :-) Awesome! Congratulations! Takes a while, but you hit your stride eventually. Glad to hear you made it.

Hi Lizzy! This is the key right here. That's an extremely tough decision. My advice would be to gather information about the other side --- the off-Adderall you. If there is nothing worth tearing your life apart for, then it's not worth tearing your life apart. Find out what you would want out of the quitting processes. When you're off the pills, try to watch out for specific kinds of urges....like for a different line of work or an artistic outlet of a certain kind. If you start getting inklings like that...it may be worth it to cut your dose down and pursue them. On the other hand, if it's just about getting your sense of humor and life back, maybe experiment a lower dose, or skip some days when your responsibilities are low. These will be your own little sabbath days, where you focus on being yourself and refreshing your spirit from the stressful week, then you'll be able to go into the next week with a little spirit boost. The essential question here is: What does that LIVING look like for you? And can you do it on meds? And is it worth the trade?

Yay two more! I'm going to have to build this songs page now. That's one of those songs that makes me want to cry every time I hear it. If I ever make a playlist specifically for lying on the floor and bawling my eyes out, that's going on there. Also really liked the story behind Gypsy, which I just read in Wikipedia.

UPDATE: I'm nominating Fix You by Coldplay too. So now we've got... 1. Cold Turkey by John Lennon 2. Fix You by Coldplay 3 more new ones and I'll build the full song list page!

Totally agree. I always wondered if he tried meth a few times to study for the role, since he's known for being such a hardcore method actor. Such a great movie. It's funny. When I was on Adderall, I would think of all the movies and TV shows that I was missing out on by working all the time, and I would think "I'll just binge on them all later when I've finished my work and I'm rich". Fittingly, instead of getting rich I quit Adderall and now I've pretty much caught up on every TV show and movie I missed, just to quell the newfound boredom and use the extra time. Movies are like my coping mechanism. Shitty day? Steak + potatos + cookies + milk + good movie. Fortunately for my productivity, I think I'm just about caught up. I think I've watched pretty much ever TV show I've ever wanted to watch, and have re-discovered reading for pleasure. I've seen people step down that fast and win. It's all about what feels right for you, and how hard you work to counter-balance the side effects. I wish you lots of good luck!

@Jason, My 2 cents: Do what you have to do to get your Master's paper done. In fact, do what you have to do to finish out this semester while maintaining as small as dose as possible. Keep tapering down, then maybe go cold turkey during the break, and start with a lighter class load next semester until you get the hang of working without pills again. Good luck! Nice that you have your sister there. She could be a huge help.

Actually, I have a couple of posts about this already: Top 6 Quitting Adderall Songs, and 2 More Quitting Adderall Songs. But I was thinking about making a whole page/feature where people could submit new songs and such, and maybe vote on them. So far we've got "Cold Turkey" to add to the list...post some more! If I get 5 new songs I'll build the song-voting feature.

@jason Dude you so rock for having seen Salton Sea. Such an over-looked gem. That's going on the list. I think Walk the Line belongs their too. One of these days I'm going to have to write a post about Johnny Cash's speed habit. Wasn't Basketball Diaries about heroin? Will have to watch Traffic again. I think I got bored and turned it off half way through. @cburnett Haha that was a fun movie. What did you have in mind though, in terms of applicable-ness? I could definitely see it a applying to the fight to keep your mind awake after quitting Adderall. Is that what you had in mind, or some other angle?

@sleepyT A boyfriend might break up with you. A husband should be different. Your husband is going to find out sooner or later anyway (or at least he's going to notice the behavior change and start theorizing about what's up with you). Better not to keep him in the dark. Give him the chance to help you. Even if you do all the work yourself and don't put any weight on him, tell him what you're doing so he can appreciate how much of it you're doing yourself. Just my 2cents. You might also want to quit the other coping mechanisms first, or vice-versa. Quit the most damaging thing first, and keep the other vices, then quit the next most damaging thing, etc. For you it sounds like maybe you should quit the narcotics first, then the Adderall, then the other stuff. Kill one addiction at a time. Then get back to writing those articles and painting those paintings. Let me know when you've done something and I'll give you a place to post it. :-)

Hi KingofCarrotFlowers, That letter was great! Fun to read. If you've written any other letters to inanimate objects, I'd love to read them. Look, one thing that I don't think I've stressed enough is this: you need a compelling reason to quit, and if you don't have one, don't quit. Quit Adderall only if you feel that doing so would make you happier (and more successful, if in a different way) in the long run. Quit because there's somebody who you can't become with Adderall. Quit because you feel like Adderall is holding you back from something. Don't just quit for the sake of quitting, or because you feel self-conscious about popping meds all day. Adderall is not inherently evil. It is only evil if you don't need it. It truly does help some people, and if you're one of those people then you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about taking it. If you feel like you need it to be who you want to be and do what you want to do, then stay on it without shame --- you're one of the ones who need it. You asked in your letter "Why do I have to quit you?". What was your answer? Why do you have to quit? You have to be able to answer that question with authority before you can even think about quitting for real. Also, just curious: What was that "chocolate/mocha drink thingy" your friend got you on? Like, what's the brand name and stuff?

I think anxiety is a hugely common issue when quitting Adderall, social or otherwise. I had many of the same anxieties you had as it relates to work. You've built up a certain lofty status for yourself at work during your years as Adderall superman/superwoman. Then when you feel like you need to be responsible for something important (that involves others judging you) and you don't have your pills to run to...it can be a sickening and scream-inducing amount of anxiety. For me, the answer wasn't time. It was repetition. As in, I just had to do muddle through one big responsible project after another, work through the fear over and over again, until the emotional aspect of that kind of task was numb. The fear gets smaller every time you face it. Eventually, it pretty much goes away. It's those first few experiences facing down the task that are so stressful. After you get through it a few times, you get better. So far that, I have a few "repeat this to yourself over and over" bromides for you.... 1. 80% of what you fear never happens - My dad told me this when I was 9-years-old and afraid to ask the neighbors if I could jump on their trampoline because I thought they would yell at me. They were very nice, I had many fun days on that trampoline, and I've remembered this saying ever since. 2. Never fear the consequences of courage 3. Any task becomes instantly 50% easier when you start it. Anyhow, those are just things that help me. Besides that, I'd say you might want to reduce your opinion of your job role. If you think of yourself as the central cog which must support the whole team and without you they fall apart and you must decree their every action with respect and wisdom...you're going to stress yourself into oblivion. Assuming you're not a CEO or something, a manager has a role like any other person...she just has to make the final decisions. That's her job: making the final decision. In most cases, these decisions don't have to be particularly consequential, and since she makes lots of decisions the consequences of each one are even less. So just do the best you can, and if you make a bad one you'll fix it when it comes back up. Of course, it would help to know what kind of job/promotion we're talking about. I'm sure you'll do just fine. I'd rather be in a management position after quitting Adderall than a workhorse position, because when you quit Adderall your focus is hindered, but your opinions and knowledge are intact, so you can still tell people what should be done and make the right decisions...you just can't do the stuff yourself at the moment.

Oh wow I totally never thought of Requiem for a Dream. That movie scarred me for life (and ruined my crush on Jennifer Connelly). But you're totally right. There is no better "say no to drugs" movie than that, plus it has the amphetamine subplot. Really, they should just show Requiem in middle school instead of having all of those anti-drug speakers/displays. Someday when I found my own private school, I'm totally going to do that. I think that's officially #5. But in the same vein I think I'm going to add "Playing God"...it just feels right. Plus in the movie the main character lost his medical license partially for taking Adderall (literally, he says "Adderall") to stay awake during stints in the OR. So now we have 6, and might as well go to 10. Need 4 more!

Hey Guys, So I've been trying to write a post about movies that are relevant to the whole Quitting Adderall/Adderallic experience. So far, I've only thought of four... 1. Equilibrium (quitting emotion-suppressing prozium) 2. Office Space (hypnotised into not caring about bullshit anymore) 3. Garden State (quitting Lithium anxiety medication) 4. The Big Hit (main character is an approval addict that realizes the err of his ways, fights for his own priorities, and saves the day) I need 5 to do a post on it (just for even number's sake). But I'd like 10. So, any ideas? What movie have you watched that you really identified with and that you think other Adderallics could identify with? What do you think of the movies above? I realize I may be the only person in the world who actually liked "The Big Hit".

To you four wonderful early-adopters (Lilah, onolex, liltexan79, and cburnett) --- You don't have to wait on me to approve every damn post anymore. Sorry about that. Post away without delay!

Thanks for being the first poster, onolex! You've officially christened the forums! You totally got me on that "I have these great enlargement pills" line. First I was like :evil:, then I was like . I think beginning to hate Adderall is a huge first step in quitting. You spend so long loving it like it's the best, most important thing in the world. I remember thinking "Adderall is the only thing worth more than money". Then one day you stop liking it, and start resenting it, start wishing it away...that's where you seem to be. That's a seed of better times to come, of successfully quitting. As for your decision: I don't totally recommend quitting in the middle of a semester, especially if you are taking a full load, but I also don't recommend getting in the habit of waiting for the "perfect time" to quit. Because there is never a perfect time to quit. It's going to be a mess whenever you do it, so might as well start soon so you can get on with the clean up. That said, if you're going to stay on it for the semester, definitely get your dosage under control. Do what you can to take it in the human fashion without binges and all nighters. This can be as easy as setting a hard "last dose time" (don't let that be too much later than 3pm, or your not going to sleep). And above all, keep your doses consistent. At least you can add some sanity to this. And that routine will help you in the long run. When the semester ends, don't quit school entirely for those 9 months. Stay enrolled in at least one class. You need something regular to start training your off-Adderall work ethic, plus it will keep you moving forward, which will help with your mood. Also take weekends off the pills. Every little bit of sanity you can inject into your Adderall life will help you that much more prepare for life without Adderall. And definitely keep up those gym visits. Also, couple questions... 1. When you say "apply for my program", what do you mean? What program? 2. Don't take this the wrong way, but do you have any bipolar tendencies? I wonder this whenever somebody mentions runaway spending and Adderall. If you're bipolar, Adderall keeps you in the maniacally-optimistic "manic" phase all the time, which can result in things like over-spending. Anyhow, good luck and thanks again for breaking the seal on the forums!

Hi All, Couple points to remember... 1. I'm going to start with one big generic forum ("Post everything else in here for now", or "The Everything Forum" for short). Once this thing starts growing, we can start sectioning it off into sub-forums. Ideas for what these sub-forums should be are very welcome! Post ideas in the generic forum or send them to me in PM. 2. Profanity allowed. 3. If I could make one request: Put a couple of seconds' thought into your post titles. If your post is about your legs going numb after quitting Adderall, don't title your post something generic like "Have a problem", title it "Legs going numb after quitting?" or even "Does anybody else have the numb leg problem?" --- just something representative of the content. 4. Please post any ideas for making the site or forums better. I love that stuff. Talk to you soon! -Mike