Brandy76
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I havent posted in awhile but Im proud to say Ive been Adderall free for 485 days. As some of you might know, I worked in the medical field for 14 years. I ruined my career to feed my Adderall addiction. As a result of my actions, I am also now a convicted felon. I know that my case is the extreme but I hope that even just one person can be saved from Adderall by hearing how destructive addiction can be. I am finally ready to start talking about it. Please if anyone needs someone to talk to, Im here.
Lisa
Wow congrats on being clean for that long. I've been on it for 2 years and I can tell it's coming to a breaking point.
I'm always curious when people say how it ruined their life, do you have examples?
I didn't start realizing the negative things that were happening in my life were because of the addy until I found this board and read so many similar stories of these "bad" things that happen
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Wow congrats to you and your recovery. I don't know too much about suboxone, but isn't that given to people coming off of heroin also?? Would a doc give that freely if they knew you were stopping your adderall?
Did you loose your dream job because of the adderall? I work in the corporate world and my performance has definitely decreased the few years I've been on it
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I completely lost interest in all things and my life began to deteriorate.
That one little sentence means so much. It's really weird how the adderall makes you loose interest in pretty much everything. I'm at that point where I don't "like" anything and I've chased away all friends, barely talk to family....it's scary
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You sound just like me except I've been on that roller coaster for 2 years. I work a corporate job also. I'm on 30mg IR twice a day plus 1mg xanax at night. Some days the adderall goes to 75mg for the day
On the weekends I take breaks from everything and I literally stay in bed an eat pizza. I have no desire to do anything unless I'm medicated. I defintiely can't have a productive day at work without adderall to get me going. Otherwise I'm so depressed I can't even fake be happy with my co workers and everything seems like such a chore.
My xanax tolerance has gotten so high that just recently I went through a 30 day supply (1mg) in 14 days. I too was worried about the xanax withdrawal which can be dangerous, but nothing happened, except for me being even more miserable during my adderall comedowns without xanax to smooth the ride.
Suprisingly without the Xanax (which has been two weeks) just the adderall I'm able to crash once I'm home at night. But I just feel overwhelmingly miserable. At least with the xanax I felt a little happy.
What's worse is I'm also on wellbutrin but it seems to make me more depressed when it wears off? but that's a whole other issue
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this is tough for me too. i put on 22lbs and am only about 30 days sober. but you know what? about a week ago, i noticed a huge natural energy spike. I'm working out 2x more frequently than i did on adderall, and i've lost 4lbs of those 22 i put on. I just need to put my eating back into check and i'm doing that by gradually cutting out the bad stuff...a little at a time. of coursse, for me, my tolerance of adderall had gotten so terrible it barely impacted my appetite anyway. i thnk i ate a lot more after quitting because of the comforting effect eating junk food can have on a person not because i was hungry for the first time in years. also remember your hair, nails, skin, teeth will be healthier after quitting adderall. i always had super dry mouth on addies (plus an irresistible urge to smoke cigarettes--i can kiss my boyfriend as deeply as i want to now without worrying that my mouth is dry and stinky! on addies, although i was thinnner, i just felt like my body was shriveling up...aging away. or...as Bilbo said, i felt like too little butter scraped across toast!
I hear ya with the hair & other stuff getting better. On addy my hair got so thin I actually had a britanny spears moment and just cut it all off, which normally would've been a huge thing to me since my hair was my everything. But it's sad that being on addy I pretty much felt nothing when I had to cut it to start from scratch.
I'm same way with addy & appetitie, I can eat a lot on it. The wellbutrin though has squashed my appetitie
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i know for some reason that you can beat this crap out of you, i believe in you. the fact that you build so much courage to post your story is quite a remarkable one, and i salute you for that
Aww thanks!! Telling my story is easy...now actually having the courage to quit is the challenge. There's always some event I have to be in shape for....so I"m scared of what would happen if I stopped appearance wise
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Brandy--you're taking a pretty nasty mix of drugs. Have you considered getting off the xanax before the adderall? I quit xanies about a year and a half before adderall. I ask this because xanax, as i understand it, prevents you from entering into slow wave sleep--the restorative sleep cycle. If your body isn't really getting rest because of the xanax, then quitting will be impossible/miserable. Please do not try to quit xanax with out talking to a doctor though-- Xanies are physically a lot more dangerous to quit than adderall (can cause psychosis, death, etc. if you stop cold turkey)
as an iside, the xanax to sleep, adderall to wake is a really nasty and horrific cycle that some of us find ourselves in. for me, the adderall is mentally more difficult for me to cope with losing, but the physical withdrawal from xanax was fucking terrifying....like nothing I have ever experienced before....and hope never too.... if anyone readign this is on the xanax/adderall coaster, here's some good reading about benzos: http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/ --i think the benzos (xanax being a really strong benzo) might be the priority to cut out of your life first because they likely screw your body up more...i guess the adderall was kind of a life saver getting off benzos, but i couldn't imaging trying to quit adderall while on benzos.
Wow thanks so much for all that info on Xanax. I never realized it doesn't put you into REM sleep.
Before addy I only took Xanax to fly so I could pass out & not be so nervous. So maybe like 3 times a year I used Xanax. But once I started addy I noticed I couldn't fall asleep no matter how tired my body felt. I would lay there for sooo long before falling asleep.
I don't think I have a problem with xanax since I would never take it during the day because it just makes me too tired and I don't like that feeling. Taking 1mg a night doesn't seem all that bad. Someone once mentioned you're a xanax addict when you start taking the xanax "bars"
But you're right; it's a horrific cycle I'm in. I'm always tired no matter how much I pass out on the weekends (xanax induced stupor lol)
I'm sure if I stopped the addy my body would be so tired I won't need xanax to calm down or fall asleep. Normally I'm a very calm person; never have panic attacks and just never liked that downer feeling, so I don't think xanax is my problem
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about the time that I would go to work with teh goal of being "Super lawyer" and would instead sit at my desk picking at my scalp for literally eight hours straight hyper googling conspiracy theories or falling down youtube holes. At home was worse. I'd come home, flop on my bed because my body hurt all over and I'd think that I wanted to exercise, but instead i'd just lie on my bed thinking that i should exercise and debating if it was worth it to take more adderall to find that motivation...this would go on for like five or six hours with me eventually taking more adderall, working out and then staying up all night googling conspiracies and watching youtube. I'd set my alarm super early, hell bent on breaking the cycle. Wake up and have to pop a ton of adderall to get awake and do the same thing again. Lots of physical symptoms--dry mouth/skin, bad breath, bleary eyes, grinding teeth, headaches, brittle hair....yuck....and thisi s spot on....
as is:
OMG your experience is so like mine. I have a corporate job and instead of getting things done, I've literally wasted hours picking at my face in my magnified mirror or getting lost in message boards on any topic.
I feel so mentally run down by the time I get home from the add'y that I don't even want to put my body thru that again just to get through a workout. But I end up taking it to get to the gym, otherwise I'll just lay in bed doing nothing; which seems so lazy for me, at least during the week.
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Just to make note, I never abused or even took more than 30 mg on any occasion. Well, I once took 40 mg, but it more felt like a high than actual focus and concentration. So this is the thing that pisses me off the most about this medication is that I never abused it in any way!
That includes never snorting it or crushing up the pills, etc!
It's even worse that my family has no medical history of such an illnesses I am experiencing either.
I'm no expert, but if you really don't have ADD/ADHD it reacts ike meth. Giving those horrible negative meth type side effects.
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I understand the facial structure change thing. My lower jaw area/lower cheek area is so hollow that if I'm not all dolled up I look like a crackhead
With the eyes, I've noticed the skin underneath has gotten darker, i guess from lack of sleep
I've heard it does age you physically with more wrinkles or getting acne, but for me I became addicted to getting facial fillers to combat some of that. So now when people comment how great I look, of course that makes my mind say "see the adderal IS good for you"....I know sickk.
I'll be following along your journey. It will be interesting to see if you make the job switch to the military; as that's such a drastic change
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Not sure if this is the forum to share my story, but Kayla I'm also around your age, so here we go:
I'm a 26-year-old young professional who's been taking adderall for 6 years, habitually the last 3 years. I get prescribed 90 x 20mg IRs a month and usually kill the entire script in roughly 10-12 days. I really started taking it to get into a Masters program, then to get an accounting job, and now to finish the CPA exam, and guess what, I don't even like the damn profession or career field! Adderall just turned me into an emotionless machine to pursue an "acceptable career" that I can't stand when I'm sober. I rather be the less well-off happy-go-lucky bartender I used to be before I really got crankin on adderall.
Anyways, I'm about to begin Day 1 going cold turkey on weekdays and weaning off to about 40mgs during the week. To some that's a lot, to me that's about 1/5 what I've been taking. To wean off completely I'm dropping off the remainder of my pills to my younger brother to administer to me daily, embarrassing? Yes. But we all know I have the self-control of any other addict. I also got off the phone with my mom, came clean, couldn't take the zombie/emotionless/passionless person I've become, and you know what, it helped. Did she freak? Yea a little, she'd sell a kidney to put me through rehab if I let her, but how selfish of me would that be..
So..I'm starting tomorrow, it's gonna be a bitch, and I'm just happy im not alone in this. I'm 6'0", in great shape, educated, and have the mental toughness of my 4 year old nephew.. this drug has not been the answer to my prayers that I thought it'd be.
Also going to my first NA (narcotics anonymous)'meeting tomorrow night. I've been told I look like an Abercrombie/athlete model (but apparently lots of adderallics strive to be attractive due to our insecurities) so it's gonna awkward as hell walking into a church full of junkies crying about my problems... I'll let you know if it's of any help.
good luck Kayla, good luck all
so agree how narcissitic this drug has made me, yes i'm nice and skinny and at my prettiest but inside, like you said I'm an emotionless zombie. I have zero interest in anyone's life or problems even my own family, I've ditched plans with, avoided calls because frankly I just don't care to hear what problems they have. I guess that's the part of the drug that makes us not have any friends lol
like you I've been fearful of attempting to go to one of those meetings, because I"m envisioning celebrity rehab looking junkies & here I am in the pageant world all about image
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it has helped me cope with my issues and get a grip on things,I'm holding a job that I love and do not live in a completely disgusting home where I sit in my bed building my own fairy tale, instead I'm slowly developing habits to get stuff done, I spent right at 1.5 years planning my life away incapable of doing anything because my life plan wasn't completely planned out.
This statement really hit home. how adderall makes you have these grandiose plans, but that's all they are is plans/thoughts. Once the addy wears off you can't even comprehend those grandiose plans
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but needless to say I filled my perscription & started back on the cycle. It's weird, the ups on addy are very enjoyable so when I had that break there were no ups.
Having to function at work with not even an hour of "an up" was miserable, and after work I had no enthusiasm to even go to the gym, which is my life
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I know for me, one of the hardest parts and "when adderall turned on me" (the title of another topic on here) was when I realized just how heavily I relied on a pill to feel a certain way or do certain things. Certain things started out as work and school, then I found myself needing a pill to feel alive at all. It is really miserable when you try to take off a few days here and there because you think that's what life must be like without adderall. But it's not like that in the long run.
Now that I'm 50+ days clean, I can tell you that I feel so much more balanced and even-keeled. I found the downs to be very extreme on weekends or other days when I didn't take pills. Once you get through those first few weeks of recovery, things start to even out. Overall recovery is certainly ongoing and much longer than that. I still feel exhausted and it's not all sunshine, but at least I'm not caught in a cycle of such drastic ups and downs.
Anyways, your post struck me because it reminded me how frustrating it is to feel so dependent, yet so awful without taking something. It was awful for me in the beginning, but now I'm so happy that I took the necessary steps to stop taking this crap!
Also, you're never going to feel 100% ready to quit. You have to reach a point where you decide the downsides are bad enough that you're ready to be done once and for all. This site has so many great tips to help you get through it, because it will be tough no matter what and no matter when you quit.
I always enjoy your posts. I been on this site for a while thinking about quitting.
But just like you said on the days I give myself a break and don't take them which is usually the weekends, i'm so depressed that I just pop my xanax all weekend so I can be zoned out and not face the reality that I chased everyone away and have no companionship
Now I need the drug to do just about anything that requires me to leave the house , which is why lately my weekends have literally been spent in a dark bedroom ordering take out pizza (thank god for my doggie who poor thing gets bored in the bed all day) Otherwise any general weekend task, like cleaning shopping, I need the pill to get going, but on weekends if I do take it I still don't get the tasks done & end up doing mindless stuff on the internet.
Now I'm really scared how when I talk to people, they constantly tell me "you've already told that story to me twice" my memory is so horrible, it's frustrating
The nighttime depression when I'm back from work & gym all by myself is horrendous which is why I rely so heavily on xanax at night to feel nice
And I'm tired of always having to tell people that I took too many fat burners when I'm at a function, because then I come alive but maybe too much lol It's all exhausting
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I've always been planning to stop, but you know the drill, there's always a reason why "you're not ready"
My perscription ran out way too early, so I've been forced to be without if for 6 days. (I'm on IR 30 mg twice a day, but have been breaking up all the pills in pieces and just pop them throughout the day so I can't keep track of dosage)
My saving grace however is Wellbutrin. It really helps keep my mood elevated so I feel happy/productive (minus the fast paced speediness).
Wellbutrin down side /or sick side is I take an extra dose of Wellbutrin which isn't perscribed, in the afternoons where things can get really dismal at work if I didn't. (I'm only supposed to take 300mg for the day (two 150mg pills) but I now take 450 for the day)
I tried not taking the wellbutrin in the afternoon & I was a walking zombie and could NOT for the life of me smile at anyone. Usually I can fake smile/interest, but without that extra boost.....wow I was an evil/miserable person.
I still take my perscribed Xanax at night which really helps just make me feel pleasant and not think about "not having adderrall"
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I don't like the impulsivity of it, i've gone so broke online shopping for nonsense
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When my productivity on adderall starting slipping. I figured it was time, seeing as the entire purpose of me being on the stuff was starting to get diminishing returns.
Wow that's so me right now. At first I was stellar at work on it, then I was horrendous (late, not multitasking, forgetful) Even though I'm still on it being reprimanded about those things made me make a conscious effort to be how I was in the honeymoon phase of adderral (very organized, quick)
It's weird how the drug works.
For me it was when I found myself wasting a lot of time figuring out when my next refill was, and constantly try to get my prescription filled early. That's when it began to turn on me.
OMG that's me every month now. Reading this post made me realize to seriously consider stopping asap
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I have been withering down Adderal to a mere 20mg a day (XR). The change did successfully allow me to feel a range of emotions better. However, I am still "creepy." I need to get rid of amphetamines all together. I was originally prescribed 60 mg XR. My main fear from quitting Adderal is both losing my job and gaining weight. I fitness model so my bodyfat % is extremely important to me.
Tomorrow will be the first day I quit cold turkey. I am looking forward to it. Sometimes on days I don't take it, I get this happiness that I used to get when talking to a girl I like. It's like I laugh and all of a sudden not micro-managing my conversation. I would trade anything to be able to get that feeling again. I want to be human. Even my colleagues at work will overlook my worsened performance if I get my real personality back.
I sooo undedrstand what you're going thru. I'm still trying to quit adderrall (so far only on the weekends) I've been on it for 2 years and haven't had a signficant relationship/connection with a guy since. It's weird because I used to be such a relationship person but this drug has made me so cold that it seems like a chore to find a relationship.
When I do find someone I end up scaring them away because of my mood swings and impulsive arguments; even after knowing them for a short time which is embarrasing
I understand your reluctance to quit & gain weight. I'm in the fitnesss industry to as a competitor and I always tell myself "i'll quit after this event....."
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Sometimes it made me impulsive and other times the opposite. The opposite being sitting around all day thinking and planning and being in my own head instead of out doing things in the world. It paralyzed me with obsessive thinking.
I was super impulsive and reactive when I drank though (more so than regular drunk without Adderall). Ex., throwing a drink in someone's face at a bar, getting mad at friends for no reason and storming out of bars, etc. Horrifying to look back on.
lol Yes I get the impulse to sometimes just sit around and do nothing. such a strainge drug. I'm finding my weekends when there's no schedule of a 9-5 job, I'm getting less and less done and lately for the past few weekends, I've just stayed in bed, sleeping and eating nothing else....
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I can so relate to the paranoia thing, I know I've taken too much in a day when by the time I get to the gym at night, I think everyone is staring at me, I avoid looking at anyone and if anyone comes near my peripheral vision (just to use a machine) it annoys the crap out of me so I have such a puss on my face.
Once I was at a corporte work function which required me to be up for 16 hours AND social. By the end of that function, I kept hearing the business women whisper to one another "someone should tell her about her wet pants".....Mind you I was sweating profusely on the inside, but having the delusions of hearing that, I kept looking down at my pants and feeling for wet spots. What a sight I must've been. And everyone who I was near I felt was looking at me "strange", which of course made me standoffish, which is the oppositie to what I was supposed be hosting this work function.
This drug can seriously make you "write off people" because your delusions make you think they don't like you
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I would also suggest Wellbutrin. Before I was on adderall i was on wellbutrin since I was always so exhausted and depressed and it worked wonders, it even made me loose weight too, where as other SSRI's make you gain weight.
I stopped Wellbutrin after a while, just to get of taking pills, but now that I'm on Adderall I was re-prescribed Wellbutrin for the depression I still feel. Being on both I'm not sure is the best as I have double the no appetitie and double the exhaustion on weekends....
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That sounds like a crazy situation!
...but to answer your question I was extreeeeeeemly impulsive. I just did things without thinking about it. If i popped a pill I would get a burst enthusiasm for something, and just pursue it full on without thinking. If I was paranoid, I'd act on it. I think a drug addict has problems thinking out the consequences of actions because an addict - if you look at the traditional form of "insanity" of addiction - An addict does the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome each time.
As soon as I quit, I began regaining confidence in my decision making and judgement.
Yea it really is scary how I'm sure these last 3 years my decision making has caused my life to be horrendous.
When I first started this drug and had no clue it caused paranoia, anytime my friends invited me out I would literally ask them is this a set-up.
I'm so glad I found this site and realized these are bad reactions and if you're not self aware you can get into some serious trouble.
On a whim I decided I wanted bigger boobs, withdrew money from my 401K & got them done as big as possible. I'm sure if I wasn't on this med, I would've waited longer, saved the money
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When I was on adderall, TV/movies felt like such a waste of time! i never wanted to watch stuff.
Now I love it again.
so true the only movies I can imagine watching are Limitless and the machinist lol. Someone compared me to that character in the machinst which doesn't sound like a good thing lol
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I'd like to hear what others have gone through when it comes to the impulsivness or the "delusions" that lead to the impulsiveness that adderall seems to give. Like that feeling of it must happen now & it must happen fast.
Here are some of mine:
I was never into shopping, but on the meds, I'll start surfing clothing sites and buying things just for the heck of it. A lot of times not even checking my account to make sure I have enough funds
Going thru a break-up on it & before knowing these negative symptoms are med related, the minute he called it quits I went beserk literally, I hacked is facebook account to snoop, tormented him with non stop texts and calls & tormented his new gf ...the list goes on n on
Now I've learned to take a step back before reacting to something I "think" needs such a strong reaction. This is still a struggle & I ruin any chance of new relationships because I blow up at the person before I'm even supposed to feel comfortable enough "to blow up" lol It's like a temper tantrum if I feel something is not going my way with the new person, I lash out in an unnatural way.
Met a random stranger at store, went out on few dates, then decided there was something off about him...... so I scoured the internet for his name and found an article about him burning down his mothers house while shooting at the police & having grenades on hand.
After reading that, combined with the tiny hint of him being a little weird whn I did try to end it, my paranoid delusional mind thought if I call it quits he's going to burn down my house or randomly walk by and throw a grenaded through my window (can't believe I truly felt that was going to happen)
I immediately went to police after reading article & filed a restraining order stating how in danger I was & I really felt like I was in danger after realizing what he was capable of .....Keep in mind this all happened after knowing the guy for 1 week........embarrasing
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New Addict to Adderall & Xanax - Need Feedback
in Tell your story
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This is a very supportive board and you can discuss anything you're going through whether you quit, or trying to quit. I don't think you can use swim though.
haha your social life sounds just like mine. And like you said the energetic way addy makes you act for your clients really makes you rely on it more.
I work a lot fitness conventions (in addition to my corp job) where I have to be addy'd up to be the bubbly sales pitch girl. Sometimes just thinking about having to take that to be like that has made me start declining things because just thinking about what I have to put my body through to get thru social events is exhausting.
I'm on the generic xanax and I swear i don't think it's as strong as the name brand. I'm perscribed 1mg at night. Lately I definitely have to take 1.5 and sometimes 2mg to fall asleep. It sucks. My doc tried me on Klonopin instead of Xanax and I hated it. It makes you tired, but like "drunk" tired not a mellow feeling tired. I would stumble while on it - my body just couldn't tolerate Klonopin.
Your job sounds very stressfull and with adderall sometimes the focus still makes you not focus on the right things and you become scatterbrained
I never take the adderall with the xanax as they're opposite drugs (upper and downer) I only take the xanax when it's night & i'm done with working/gym and I have nothing to do and no one to talk to. So it helps that loneliness not be too bad
I think xanax is only bad to come off of if you're using high amounts, like really abusing it. Not having it for that time sucked because I couldn't feel that happiness at night, but I was still able to sleep & function. I had no withdrawal symptoms.
Wellbutrin is for depression but not like the prozac types. It affects the dopamine levels instead of the seratonin so it's meant for the people who always feel tired, sluggish, and it's also used to help people quit smoking I think. When I've run out of my addy, having the wellbutrin helps a little because it does give you energy, just not that rush type of energy that addy gives.
I do want to quit, but I'm so vain I like the weight loss part, even though it's leveled out now meaning I can eat like normal but it just burns so much calories naturally. On the flip side since I've been on it I can't keep or start any type of relationship, like i'm either to intense or too detached. I've forgotten how to think about others and ask questions, be concerned....all things that you need to do to start a relationship lol