Brandy76
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Posts posted by Brandy76
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I've used this as a fat burner. Of course no fat burner will give you any of the speedy effects you have on adderall. Whatever it will give you is raise your body temp and give you a burst of "semi energy" but it wears off fast and it won't make you feel happy or motivated.
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Here's another one:
I woke up one Saturday morning, popped 30 mg of adderall, and while waiting for it to kick in I decided to make smoothies. I had a lot of work to do that weekend and I just wanted to take a bunch of adderall, drink green smoothies and raw soups, and write until my fingers bled. But the adderall kicked in while I was making the smoothies. I just couldn't stop blending. I made multiple flavors of smoothies with all kinds of ingredients--several liters worth of smoothies, to last me through the tweaked-out weekend. Then I started in on the raw soup. I was adding every ingredient I had in my house: greens, tofu, broth, broccoli, almonds, brussels sprouts, carrots, spices, things my blender couldn't even handle. I made so much soup (which tasted horrible by the way), I had to dump some into a tupperware so I could keep adding more ingredients.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, my blender broke. It just stopped working. I realized it had been blending nonstop for an hour and a half. Of course it broke after that OCD blender adventure. It never worked again. So what to do next? Take some more adderall of course!
OMG Like Jon said as not to laugh to make fun of you. But you worded that so well, it cracked me up as I totally get it. Your original task at hand was side tracked to whatever you were doing when the addie kicked in. And sometimes that mundane task even though somewhere in the back of your head you know it's mundane. You just can't stop yourself from doing it - so weird
I noticed the longer I'm on this the easier it is to get sidetracked in mundane details like that.
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I totally understand your obsessions with quitting and gaining weight.
I've been on it for 1yr and a half and love how skinny it's kept me and whenever I think about quitting, my mind says "wait until after ____ event"
There's always something that will make you think twice about quitting. As many said here 5 months is a long time away and I'm sure your body can adjust within that timeframe.
However having to plan a wedding through whatever withdrawals you may experience does not sound like any fun either.
In the end it's up to you. And only you know how strong you are to mentally plan such a big event while also coming off of a powerful drug
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Brandy, your self awareness is a strength: you are aware of all the things you're doing to chip away at your real self and yet you're ruining your mental and emotional capacity because you're terrified of eating. Gaining weight must be your worst fear in the world... More than getting ugly (your hair already is ugly, and that hasn't stopped you), getting insular and selfish and ruining your teeth and losing friends.
If I were you, I'd develop another passion outside pageantry. One where you can be free to create and no one gives a shit how you look. Then you can throw off the shackles that are binding you to a lifestyle that will eventually destroy you. And guess what? You may look young for a 36 year old now, but you'll look over 40 in a year if you keep popping pills. (And yes it is the voice of experience - I am 40 and spend no end of money on trying to restore my destroyed, dehydrated skin and hair).
You're a good person with a big heart. I hope you can tell yourself that as well.
Good luck.
thanks for the great feedback, for a second there I thought you actually knew me lol
Even before adderall (1 year ago) I was always the type of person that tried new hobbies, but they always centered around looks, I bartended for a bit, tried my hand at acting & modeling. I get bored very quickly with life
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Hey there welcome to the boards. I did notice that on adderrall I can drink way more and not get sick or pass out, prior to it I was always the one passing out, throwing up.
Is there something in Adderrall that blocks the effects of alcohol? Or is it because it's such an upper that it cancels out the downers of alcohol?
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Wow great post & congratulations for continuing to stay off of it.
I totally can relate to being an asshole on it, I become so self centered it seems like I care about no one, but then late at night when it's out of my sysem I get so sad realizing how alone I am, then I pop a xanax to take that edge off and feel semi good/relaxed.
What I don't get is if this drug only stays in your system for a few hours, how does it have such profound lingering effects causing personality changes, etc....
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Feeling your pain man. Every time I've got back on the train has been because of work. From what I can remember it was always because:
- I was working hard and not smart
- way to critical of my performance compared to others
- Didn't get my assistants to do their job assisting me.
I was in advertising a pretty high energy, stressful and cut throat biz. Looking back on it I did my best work when I was off the stuff but didn't have the confidence to realize it. I'd go back on and would suddenly have some confidence in my abilities and my work.
The adderall got me fired eventually. So it was all for nothing
Great feedback in this thread. I'm curious to know why the adderrall got you fired?
I've been on adderrall for 1yr and a half and I notice my work performance has slacked, I'll wait to last minute to do things, cruise the net for personal use more and only get that extreme focus to get work stuff done in the morning after my first dose.
Lately it's making me focus on mundane things,
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LMAO that's so funny you mention it. I don't even know how to explain my weird OCDness with songs!! When I first started abusing stimulants a couple years ago I would feel SO high (I can't come anywhere close to that now, no matter how many I take) that I would listen to techno music on full blast and get lost while doing homework.
I get songs stuck in my head all the time, usually the same song. It's super obsessive. And I text my friends random lyrics all the time. All that gets worse on Adderall, lol. I also developed trichotillomania on Adderall, so all these compulsions aren't too abnormal. I see you say that you used to have long hair--is it falling out or are you pulling? If it's the latter then I think we are the same person hahaha.
lol that's so funny with the music aspect. I literaly play this one tune by Lana Del Ray(Young and Beautiful Orchestral version) for hours on end while i'm doing chores on addie. Not sure if it's me but take a listen and I swear it such a deep song on it's own but for some reason on addie it's super deep lol
It slowly fell out/broke off. It's not balding to the scalp, but it broke off slowly from the ends, kept getting shorter and shorter. Sort of like when someone gets a bad dye job and the hair becomes brittle and breaks off.
I do notice that since my hair feels so dry to me when i don't have my wig on at home i'll sit there an itch/pat it down obsessively, but i chalked it up to the dryness factor was causing me to always fidget with it, i guess not lol
Now it's so short it it's literally the lenghth of a boy's hair, Even since January when it was to just below my ears and could be worn in a ponytail. it's slowy gotten shorter and shorter, so scary. I'm hoping once I stop it will grow back. And my scalp will itch so much usually if I take to much addie, that I scratch it with a fork (I know weird)
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I know I NEED too especially after seeing all these new traits I have are due to drug and not circumstancial, but I'm very worried about the depression part and gaining weight. It would be great
It's weird how self absorbed I am, but lost most of my hair due to this drug yet I still wont stop. I used to pride myself on having long hair, now I wear wigs. The only day I never use is Sunday and thats cuz I load up on xanax so i can sleep the day away and not focus on why I have no one in my life anymore. Yea i have "peripheral" people in my life like pageant friends where we just text, but no real bonds.
Any friends I used to have fizzled away; looking back I see why, whenever anyone would invite me out I always thought it was a "set-up" and would make an excuse not to go.
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Yes, Brandy76, and welcome back to the forum. I have noticed that I tended to listen to songs over and over and over again. This is a beautiful insight and I thank you for shedding light on it. I guess it's the OCD that Adderall brings out in us.
Here's another one for you: I started collecting heart shaped rocks when I became addicted to Adderall. I couldn't pass a rock landscaped building, shopping center, places in the wild or wherever I was I was looking for heart shaped rocks. I was good at it too. My ability to recognize patterns was magical. Of course I lost some friends along the way because I couldn't be present for them. I have hundreds of heart shaped rocks, but no love in my life to share them....how ironic. A heart of stone was beating in my chest on Adderall.
All of this aside Brandy76, I hope you can rally and put on a good quit attempt with Adderall. I would not try to quit all your meds at once, especially the Xanax, because it dangerous to stop cold turkey.
Wow thats so strange how it brings out ocd like symptoms. Your analogy of the rocks is amazing, relatable and sad all at the same time. That's how I am with Instagram and making collages, on adderall i'm so creative choosing the colors, quotes & of course my pic since I've become so self absorbed and spending so much time getting it "oh so right" it's scary.....and you're right you get so focused in that aspect of things yet ignore everyone else in your life.....
I never had too many friends to begin with, but now I really have no one close and the scary part is I don't mind it. I was the type that always had a boyfriend, never lived alone. Now I don't even care to meet new people, i'm in my own world and it's scary. If I didn't find this board and hear others talk about the losing friends part, I would've just chalked it up to me being moody and never the drug.
Mentally I've been telling myself everynight that after my last fitness competition, which is around sept, i will stop. The only thing that scares me is quitting aone.. I remember my ex who knew me pre adderral and during (which is why he's an ex), but he told me I should stop and I told him I can't do it without him, but he wants no part of that
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Hey Panda welcome to the board i'm new here too and only tried to quit once that lasted a week. But I'm just like you that no one knows i'm on it or the few who I did tell I told them I no longer take it.
It's so nice to have the forum here where others can relate and not look down on us. As someone said, about body language on addy there's no hiding that especially to a therapist.
There's times where I know I'm bouncing off the walls at a social function. Recollecting these times I've found myself uttering this same excuse to whoever was around staring at me funny "OMG guys I can't belieive I took too many fat burners so late in the day, I completely misdosed it, now I'm so amped up".
If I'm in a party setting like a bar or bday party and on it, I'm bouncing off the walls the life of the party, but also very fidgety and someone once said "you just walked away from me while I was talking to you" I become unfocused.....But at work in a corporate setting I'm not going up to random mgt talking to them, but I'm super focused on task at hand. It's strange how it adjusts.
Anyway welcome to the board, I will be following along your journey
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thanks whosthisguy for reading my long ramble of of a post - you sound just like me. This post was most likey done in the morning when the adderrall high is stil fun and makes me happy, yet the longer i'm on it that window of happy has been relegated to just the mornings. Popping more in the afternoon then in evenings before gym just make for a weeping willow of a disaster when everything wears off at night.
I so do the mirror thing too. Even before adderall i was a "picker" like pop my pimples, pick callouses, but on adderall it's gotten worse.
I think the aspect that I do like is so when I'm all dolled up my face does look better because it's so thin now. But when I see myself not done up alone, i have that hollowness in my lower jawbone area like my jaw is disappearing.
Not less attractive but I put a side by side pic up of myself from 1 year ago and it's just drastic. I wish I could post it but..
have you noticed that on adderall you can listen to a song over and over? or maybe that just me, but I become obsessed with certain songs on it and could literally hv that song on repeat for hours, while i'm "busy" doing nothing at home
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YEAHHH!!! My list includes:
-Increased desire to be physically active
-Creativity!
-Remembering that OMG I am an artist! And I don't feel the need to overwork my paintings --or my writing-- the way I used to on adderall!
-The feeling of the fullness of my being
-SNUGGLING and making out!
-FRIENDSHIP and love! For example I texted everyone I love the other day telling them how much I love and admire them...... I feel all my love for people returning!
-Increasing desire to make new friends
-Massive smile on my face
-DANCING!
-Not getting annoyed with my kittens for being loud and climbing on everything while I'm "busy" working
-Having better conversations with people
-Drinking less
-Not being so hard on myself!
-OMG yes and the email thing...... who needs to spend an hour on a short email?! NOBODY!
-Adderall sometimes gives people B.O..... anyone else notice that? It used to make me all sweaty and stinky, but also cold all the time. My heating bill is about to go down!
-I'm pretty sure that paradoxically enough I've LOST a few pounds..... maybe my metabolism is back up because my body is no longer starving for nutrition?
-Spontaneity!
-Time has slowed down
-FEARLESSNESS!!
-Did I mention SMILING?!?! and laughing!!! A LOT!!!!
-The light in my body and soul returning!!
-TOTAL EMPOWERMENT to take on everything and anything!!!
I have many more..... thats my stream of consciousness though!
Time has slowed down is so on point. I haven't stopped taking adderall yet, but now i realize once i take it i get into the mode of "omg I'm late" no time to clean this house and if I'm getting ready on it forget it, clothes everywhere, looking for things I probably really don't need for that particular outing. Wow
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This is a fantastic idea! I feel like there is a similar thread somewhere here, but I can't find it. There is this one which is about being adder all free and working, which has got some cool mentions like not being late all the time, etc.
http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/778-how-are-you-better-at-work-without-adderall/#entry2937
As for me, there are just so many benefits, despite the suckiness of withdrawal. Stream-of-consciouness reflections are:
- being able to sit and read a book, and recall what I've read 2 days later
- taking naps (my fave hobby of all time)
- enjoying my family
- not overthinking everything, being happy (mostly) with decisions I've made rather than picking apart every single action I've taken
- Being ok sending an email without re-reading it 10x over
- Getting the jokes
- Making the jokes
- No "noise in my head" all the time
- Not being so selfish
- Buying things only that I need! Shopping and adderall are magnificent bedfellows.... ipso facto...
- Loving my husband's company rather than wanting him to leave me alone all. the. time
- Genuinely caring about things and people
- Seeing myself as I am when I look in the mirror, not some tweaked out lady with nasty dry hair and skin
- Being touched and cuddled... I hated being touched on adderall
- Not having to worry about getting prescriptions, getting them filled, going to different pharmacies, worried about people seeing me popping pills all over the place (at work, at dinner, with friends, drinking)
... that should be a good start?!
Wow you captured all the negatives so eloquently. It's crazy how everything you said I could relate to. I never realized how adderall is what's caused me to be more careless w money, buying random things just for the hell of it. I was never like that
And the being touched part is scary, I always attributed that to me being a cold person, but now looking at it that way, I don't even want anyone to hug me
And it's crazy about the selfish thing, I never nu a drug could induce that in so many people strange
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Hey BI welcome to the site, I'm new also and also had that seem feeling of crying after reading all the different stories with so many similarities. It is sad and that's why I tend to not stay because I get depressed connecting all these traits as adderall induced traits - pretty scary huh I totally understand you wanting to quit. I noticed you mention spending being an issue, I noticed this with me too. Never connected it with Adderall use. I don't go spending the entire rent money, but have noticed my credit cards creeping up or I let certain bills get behind, it's strange
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I first came on this site 6 months ago trying to quit, but I only lasted 5 days. I came back after recently reading the article on the "7 personality traits...." and I felt compelled to write my story all over again under that aritcle, but figured it would be better here:
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I’m prescriped 30mg IR twice a day (on them for a yr, I’m 36), lately i’ve been breaking them up in halves and just popping them through out the day so I don’t even know how much I go through. I started only taking it during week for work & getting through my fitness regime, now I take it on Saturdays to get my errands done & be pleasant. Only day off now is Sunday and that's only because I load up on Xanax to literally sleep the whole day. Then back to schedule monday am.
It’s gotten so predictable that my mornings when I first take it i’m the happiest & feel like i can do anything, I text so many people, but night time I’m agitated at everything, hate the world, hungry and don’t even have a clue as to what could make me happy by that point..it’s just sad. One day on them in the afternoon I was so happy making little youtube videos of me being happy/silly dancing, but by the night I was crying. And I thought to myself this is crazy.
All I have to say is WOW with the article (7 personality traits) and WOW with most responses. Reading some of the terms of how Adderall sucks the soul out of you is spot on. I felt like crying while reading them but even though I’m so depressed when the adderall high runs off, i’m so dead inside that I can’t even cry and the horrible state of my life on it. Now that’s sad cuz I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.
The whole attractive thing also openend my eyes and the need for compliments. Someone whose known me pre adderall commented on how narcissitic and selfish I became. I was always the type who would ask more questions to the other person and never wanting to talk about myself for fear of looking conceited. Now it’s the complete opposite. social media has made it worse. i’ve become addicted to instagram and making collages for instagram especially when on Adderall. The need for positive feedback constantly is horrible.
It’s messed up any possible relationships I could have cuz if the person isn’t constantly sucking up to me, I’m thinking “um how come you’re not praising me & my looks constantlyâ€
I started it to use as a weight loss since I partake in pageant competitions. It does work wonders for curbing my appeitite but downside is when it wears off I get so ravenous for sweets that it derails my others very strict diet I have to maintain for the pagents – another catch 22. Someothimes i’ll give in to the cravings and binge on sweets, but then I’ll take more adderall and not get all my meals in for the rest of the day. This isn’t a good look when trying to maintain a fit toned physique.
I keep telling myself I’ll stop after my next show and it’s been a year and I still haven’t stopped. It’s always something.
Another thing I also found is yes on adderall I will clean perfectly, but if i’m on adderall and say on the computer or on instagram, I will stay on that ignroning all my other responsibilities. I now find myself running late to so many things because i’m so focused on somehting mundane like facebook or instagram.
When I’m on it since i’m always rushing my room is in a state of dissarry, like in my mind I say i don’t have any time to hang this up so it gets thrown on the floor. AFter I get my laundry done, i think “hmm I don’t have time to put it away, I must go do (insert whatever mundane task) so by end of week all clothes are on floor, clean mixed with dirty. And when I do have to get ready to go anywhere and if I’m on adderall i’ll tend to focus on finding things in this mess that I probably could live without, but my minds keeps saying you gotta find “such and suchâ€.
Oh and yes the sleep thing is horrobile so I take xanax everynight. Being in the fitness world I am in the gym twice a day (am & pm) so of course when I wake up groggy from xanax and barely sleeping I take half an adderall with my fat burner to do morning cardio and then the never ending highs/lows continue throught out the day, but the time night falls i’m an emotional mess creating arguments with what few people I do have left in my life, so then I gotta take a xanax to mellow out and stop focusing on the thoughts that are causing me to pick fights with everyone……..ugh after wrighting all of that it’s damn scary what I got myself into just to stay fit and not feel hungry
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Wow, how could I have let myself do that....
That's the same thing I ask myself everyday. It's crazy. And I don't even have an addictive personality, except with this
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I love this song "Feel Again" By One Republic. This is a link to lyrics: my fave part "Heart's still beating but it's not working, it's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring. I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing, yeah my heart is numb. But with you, I feel again"
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Wow I relate to so much of that especially the zero sense of humor, I was always the happy go lucky person. Then I started noticing friends who I talked to alot would say what happend to your sense of humor "it was a joke".
The paranoia: anytime someone texted me "hey what you been up to" My answer would always be like "omg what did you hear" or "why are you asking that"
And the hair loss is what finally made me realize I have to quit as a girl losing my hair like a chemo patient was a smack in the face to say enough is enough
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I found these symptoms on a website about Adderrall Abuse and it opened my eyes to my own addicition leading me to this great site. It's funny how seeing it in writing is really eye opening. I cried at work when I first read this:
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"If you are misdiagnosed with ADHD and take Adderall you will very possibly experience some or all of these symptoms
Become dependant on Adderall to function properly on a daily basis
Feel dazed, slow and disoriented if you try to discontinue Adderall's use
Lose much"normal" perception of any words or actions
Experience increased depression and possibly develop a bi-polar personality
Suddenly care only for yourself with total disregard for others **MY NOTE: I was always a giver, always asked questions frm others before even thinking about talking about myself. On adderrall I noticed all I cared to talk about was me, me, me
Suddenly experience increased anger and aggression that can escalate into going into unexplainable violent fits of rage for no reason
Lose appreciation for beauty
Misinterpret simple English **MY NOTE: looking back I found myself constantly asking "well what do you mean by that"
Misinterpret obvious acts of love as acts of hatred against you
Absolutely DESTROY the lives of those who love you and live with you **MY NOTE: I have an ex from 3 months who still feels my adderrall tunnel vision wrath
Become lost in, and protective of your personal "Adderall World"
Violently assault anyone who interferes with getting your dosage, like any junkie
Sink to public displays of irrationality with no shame or awareness of how obvious your dependency is
Experience paranoia and mild delusions / hallucinations
Suddenly "rationalize" that Adderall is more important to you than your friends, family and loved ones"
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I used to have some bad hypochondria episodes when I was on Adderall, especially towards the end when the dosage was getting really high. It definitely contributed to me quitting, but I think the real final straw was when the stuff was barely even helping me function anymore, when I started having suicidal thoughts, and when I started losing my hair. (Losing your hair is hard on a hypochondriac.)
Does adderrall make girls loose hair. When I upped my dosage from 20mg twice a day to 30mg twic a day a lot of my. Hair has fallen out. I chalked it up to the chemical straighter I recently used but this type of balding hair loss has never happene d to me from the chemical straightnent product I've used for over 15yrs
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What hit home was him saying "it's been 3 months since we broke up, when are you going to stop harrassing me". I never thought I would hold onto him so tightly after only dating for a year and a half
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Wow ur story is how I found this site googling breakups and and adderall. I had same experience as u but still feel like I had to old on, and try to right things.
But in the process of me trying to do this so called right I tormented my ex so bad and he was the only one who knew I was doing it. He made me realize I need to search for info on this cuz he says once I started it ibecame a different person and angrier after only 8 months of use
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Wow this such a well written story on the grasps of adderall. I totally relate to becoming boring and irritable its like I'm only happy when the pill frst hits but in between doses watch out Im nasty and become very withdrawn.
And it's strange about u going back to the "regulare me". I don't even know what that is anymore
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Thoughts on taking Xanax?
in General Discussion
Posted
Xanax has been my best friend since being on adderall. I never used it before because it just knocked me out and that never seemed like fun to the "pre-adderall" me.
But once I started taking adderall the nights were the hardest when I'd be feeling edgy, cranky, tired but wired all at the same time. So I started taking xanax .5 every night to just unwind.
Lately the only days I don't take adderall is on Sundays, but I load up on Xanax so I'm pretty much knocked out/mellow the whole day.
There have been some nights where I don't need the xanax because my body is just that tired from the addies, so I never experienced the withdrawals from it. But I've heard the withdrawals from that can kill.