SomedayDreamer

Congratulations!

By now, it's day 10 ... woo-hoo, Lea. For me, it was a spacey, weirded-out, inattentive day but I got stuff done inspite of myself... hope you're rollin' with some momentum now too

Before even reading any of her words, I knew straight away the OP was on it right now... hypergraphia, man. I used to get that big time on addy. Taking three paragraphs to say what can be summed up in a sentence. I can't sustain my attention long enough to read it, but I hope she wants and gets help.

Well, thank you Sky. It's kinda cool that today (day 9) I can finally feel like I "own" my quit now because this woulda otherwise been refill day- and by now, I would've been cracked-out on my second pack of cigs, pacing room to room yet still would not get any real shizz done anyway..haha Lea, I'm right here with ya

" I will never forget the wired feeling of desperation" Lea, my sentiments exactly!. And I never, ever want to forget that feeling either... I don't want, 3 months from now or 3 yrs from now, to look with long eyes back at adderall and romanticize it. The honeymoon when addy was so sweet to me has BEEN gone for years and years and wasn't coming back-- it was all a toxic relationship over the years, even though I kept letting it back in. Each time I'd use it, I'd ask" why the hell do I keep taking this? There is just no good feeling/benefit/drive to be had from it anymore! I HATE how I feel on it!!" All of the above posts about what you all were like on adderall was me on adderall too- I never want to forget it.

Day 8, the happy feeling I had yesterday was indeed a one-off deal and today el sucko mucho. I'm not physically tired anymore but feeling sooooooo gotdam lazy and the house was looking like a tornado went through a refugee camp- no motivation at all to pick it up. But once I got up and started just doing it, it wasn't so hard to get through it. No fun of course, but it got done without me waiting for a sense of motivation to kick in and get me started. I realized (for today anyway) that it is true-- motivation follows action.

Chantix scares the living shit out of me-- my sister tried it last year for quitting smoking and she described it as being chemically tortured. She said she felt horrific hostility, nightmares and suicidal ideation for the first time in her life. I'm sure everyone's experience with it is different, but I'm too scared to chance that after how hellish adderall became in the end. I used Wellbutrin (as zyban) about 10 years ago and it was really helpful, but unfortunately I broke out in itchy hives all over my trunk after the 2nd week and had to stop it.

lol.. I know right... I'm asking myself "if you can't just be happy about being happy, then what the hell would it take to make you happy?? So, just STFU and feel happy today" Just wondering if this is neuro thing and in case I should prepare to feel it swing the other way too soon as well. It's new to me

I chain-smoked liked hell on adderall- sometimes lighting the next one off the one I still had burning- about 1.5 to 2 packs a day. I've only been off addy 7 days now, but I smoked only one pack of cigarettes in that time. It's like the urge to smoke is barely there anymore and doesn't feel as "rewarding" -- did you feel that way too? I'm thinking of quitting smoking soon altogether but wanna adjust to being without adderall first. Please let me know how it goes for you if you do decide to quit the cigs

I'm on day 7 and experiencing something extremely unusual and unexpected for me. It's this very positive sense of well-being. I'm mean, I'm not complaining but there's just no real reason I should feel this good right now. I'm wondering if it's some neurochemical "surplus"/rebound and will soon level out, (or worse swing the other way in depletion) I don't have a history of bi-polar or hypomanic episodes, and I don't feel like "HELL YEAH! Let's wash some dishes!!!" but I feel so damn happy....and that is very,very odd for me. I've taken no new supplement or tried anything different. To now, the withdrawal has followed the typical course that I went through on every monthly addy-free spell: Day 1--not too awful Day 2--crushed Day 3--little less crushed Day 4--aches and sleepiness mostly gone Day 5 through refill day--more energy but totally apathetic, anhedonic, lacking any motivation and counting the days until I could refill. Did anyone else experience this sudden increase in positivity? If so, for about how long and did it level out or actually dip below your baseline? It would be great if this could be my new normal, but I don't think that's possible

Just my anecdotal experience, I took DMAE for awhile a few years ago and found it worsened brain fog at first, then I felt a sense of "derealization" followed by sleepiness and/or crying easily. Not really any noticeable effect beyond that. But I only took it for a week or so at a time over the course of about 3 months, so it really doesn't mean much in comparison to the great factual research Cassie posted here. Phosphatidyl Serine was helpful to me for mental focus and mood after only a few days of use.

Yep, you said it. Although this is day 6 for me, I still don't feel like I can give myself "credit" for it because it's by default.. I'd be on day 6 right now regardless of if I was quitting or just sitting tight until refill. That's why last Friday I called the doc and said I didn't want to take it anymore, now today on my online med chart it's noted that no scripts will be renewed unless I make an appointment for a full re-evaluation. This would require me to plan a date, schedule a visit,go there, sit for an hour or so etc. thus giving me plenty of time to think it over and realize it's not worth it before I could get it again. The risk of just impulsively relapsing is too high for me if I knew all I had to do was call in and get a refill by that afternoon. For me, the easy, reliable (and legal) access to it was important for fooling myself that this wasn't really a big deal. I know if a person really, really wants some addy they can find a way to get it no matter what- but I relied on the script to give me a sense of "legitimacy" and to delude myself that I was using it "therapeutically." (yeah, what kind of "therapy" makes one eat dried up bits of blue play-doh off the floor, hoping it might be a piece of pill? But I had found myself doing just that over the years... disgusting)

The findings of a connection between chronic sleep deficit and weight gain is something I definitely overlooked, thanks for pointing this out. Of course I'm not delighted that the weight gain will get even worse now, but I know I'll be blowing up like inflatable life raft by the end of this week. Whenever I had a script run out super early (say, having to go 2.5 weeks without it) the weight gain would really pick up after day 6.. so tomorrow *sigh* Just wanna say you all are a wonderful group of folks here. I really do believe this forum will be indispensible to me staying quit. Before this, I had never, ever talked about my adderall use to anyone except the doc in a twice yearly visit. I kept this hidden from absolutely everyone for 7 years. No doubt that my family and friends (the few I still see) could sense something was not right with me, but they didn't ask and I didn't tell. This journey is already a lonely one for me, so thank you all for the kind welcome and sharing your experiences. It is so helpful being among others who know so well what this is like...exactly the sound a pill makes when it hits the floor...rummaging pockets and drawers for just one merciful pill ..the spinning mental wheels and crashing, being emotionally unavailable, turning into a flake or a dick...To hear that there is life, a better life, after quitting addy from people who know it first-hand, gives me hope.

This one is still a mystery to me- my appetite actually did stay suppressed on addy and I wasn't eating much at all (once a day, more a snack than meal, and kept track just to see if I was eating more than I thought, but nope) and still my weight slowly continued to climb these last two years. Perhaps it's some underlying metabolism issue with me unrelated to addy, that no matter how little I eat I will put on weight, but I'll address it after these next few weeks. Complete lack of exercise surely doesn't help matters either. One thing at a time. Other than that, today is day 5 for me, the physical fatigue is pretty much gone but the mental slog is still heavy. Right now, there's no sense of "fun" in functional, but it is what it is. I noticed I felt this odd fleeting sense of relief this evening, like how nice to get a break from the tension and the intrusive, obsessive thoughts. I feel pretty dull and mentally slowed of course, but it's much better than being keyhauled round and round in my own mind.

No, I couldn't have flushed mine either (except in the manner I described..as in, I'd have to pee them out first. TMI, sorry) Honestly, I would relapse too if I had a pill in my hand right now, even though I really, really do want to quit and I hate how my life has become, I know I would take it if I had it- 'cause I am addicted and fucked too, the most I hope for right now is just to become slightly less fucked with each passing day of no addy. I've been wanting to quit already so on this last script, I just took it as I always had until it ran out, cut off my refills. I knew it was the only way that will (hopefully) work for me. Maybe the relapse you had will help you better understand your own way and realize for yourself what measures you need to take if you want to quit.

You have a hell of a lot more willpower than me to have those pills on hand and not take any for almost 4 days! I'm on day 4 too and NO WAY could I resist taking it if I had any left. Oh, they'd get flushed down the toilet alright... but only after being metabolized and excreted through my kidneys. If you do plan on quitting but can't yet make yourself dispose of them, can you give them to a trusted, supportive somebody to hold on to them for you?

I would always run out of my script early and tried lots of different supplements over the years to get through the week or two of no addy. So FWIW: Rhodiola rosea is an adaptogen herb that really always helped me with the physical fatigue a lot and also somewhat with the brain fog. Phosphatidyl serine was helpful for sustained mental focus L-Tyrosine gave me good energy, but then I noticed I would get really bitchy after a couple days. I wish it didn't have that effect on me because it was otherwise incredibly helpful with mental energy and normalizing appetite. Ditto for phenylalanine (both L and DL) Garcinia cambogia, guarana, and kola nut helped with alertness (but not sustained, wears off like caffiene) I'd also get insanely restless legs at night in withdrawal, 5-HTP and magnesium malate at bedtime helped immediately

Sky- Wow! I-heart-James Allen! Kinda got goosebumps at the synchronicity when you mentioned him because just last week, I dug up some of my favorite quotes of his. I read "As a Man Thinketh" and most of his other books years ago.. some incredible gems of wisdom there.

My nutrition is horrible - the past 3 years especially, I mostly lived on coffee and cigarettes, I ate only once a day and that was maybe a can of Coke and a handful of Doritos or a Twinkie, any crap just to calm the afternoon shakiness. Here's another WTF observation : I once kept count for three weeks and realized I was consuming on average about 400-600 calories per day on addy, 900cal tops if I had beer that night-- even so, seven years of using addy and I am FATTER now than before I started taking it! The first 4 years on it, I did lose weight. But I've gained weight in the past 2 years on it even though I still had no appetite and hardly ate. I am malnourished, but a hefty gal of 174 lbs at 5'6" tall (how depressing is that, ladies?) I've heard that happens after awhile on addy, any theories as to why? Exercise: ah, I can't wait Seriously, I used to be very active, I loved running and weight lifting especially, but with addy I quit running because my heart rate would quickly soar to over 200bpm while I was just warming up and I'd get tunnel vision. I would get such tight pressure feeling in my head when lifting weights that I stopped that too. Shit, I almost forgot about that...there's another thing I let pass me by so I could keep taking my addy.

All yesterday afternoon, evening and through this morning, I went back and forth with myself to call or not. I am scared of the finality. But I know that if I didn't restrict the access, I would end up refilling at some point when the psychological cravings peak. I left a message with the doc's office but carefully skirted any reference to dependency/habit/addiction (is that disingenous of me? ) instead I said the med was no longer effective in managing my ADD symptoms and even 1/2 the prescribed dosage was making me extremely agitated and nervous (that's all true). I also said I felt it was best for me to adopt some non-medication approaches to managing my ADD with a therapist or something..something. Today is day 3 of no addy and for me that's always been when the physical fatigue begins to lift and the aching heaviness in my muscles becomes less incapacitating. The mental fog, however, and apathy, anhedonia, ZERO motivation, seem endless and unrelenting, that's when I would always comfort myself by counting down to refill day. Well, too bad now.... oh, lawd!

Cassie- Yes, that's EXACTLY what I'm talking about. How insidious this addiction is, how easily one can rationalize the continued use because "hey, I'm not abusing it! They give higher doses than this to 10 yr olds! How bad can it really be??" and it's because of that rationalization and countless others that I had continued to use this drug that hasn't *done it* for me since the honeymoon years ago. I didn't mean to minimize the issue with what I said about the effects on my "exterior life"-- there's no denying it's been adversely affected. No drama, but the cumulative damage from subtle effects is real. My inner life directly correlates with my interpersonal relationships, so yes, even though I've made sure my kids were always well-fed, clean, cared for, supervised and safe- I was like a machine doing that, not "mom".... and that's just sad! Like I said, 7 years on autopilot, I was there but I wasn't present. Today is day 2 without any addy. I wouldn't have been able to have it right now anyway, so it's no feat of willpower yet. I know what I really must do is call the doctor and say don't let me have anymore. THAT would be quitting, unless I do that I can sit here and B.S. myself with false-confidence. ... oh, God I have to do this- okay, guys I'm having a "holy sh*t!!" moment. Help me pleeease

Motivation_Follows_Action, Thank you. You're absolutely right about the neural pathways. I can feel how I light up with anticipatory excitement when it's almost refill day- that was one of my earliest red flags that "hey, maybe I like this stuff a little too much". That's also why I, personally, won't feel any real sense of progress until I've made it at least six weeks without any add. That will be a record for me, and I know that's just the start of long road ahead. My last 10mg from this 'script was yesterday and the earliest to refill would be next Thursday. Except for fatigue, I will make it through these days with relatively little discomfort because that's what I do every month- but on refill day, oh God help me, THAT day will be where this effort truly begins for me. I've never doctor shopped or tried to score it elsewhere-- when it was gone, it was gone and that was that until I could get it refilled- but go without refilling after waiting all those sloggy days in anticipation? Oh hell no! So, not getting that refill this time is going to take all I can muster, that's why I'm here Is resistance the same as tolerance in addiction parlance or does it refer to something else? I'm just wondering because even after all these years, the most I've ever taken in one whole day was 40mg (my prescibed dosage is still 10mg/ 2x's daily, what I started out at) in recent years I been taking about 20mg to 30mg total a day. So even though I really wasn't "abusing" it, I still got hooked. There's just this strong compulsive urge to take it even when I don't *want* to feel that way anymore. Ironically, I think the fact that my "exterior life" hasn't totally gone off the rails has made it harder to quit and easier to deny that it's a problem for me. I've never broken the law to get add, never snorted it nor bumped a psychotic 150mg... but I just couldn't stop taking it and it is my "inner-life" that has suffered the most. As I said, this all slowly snuck up on me and I just want freedom from it. Thank you all for the welcome.

Indeed, stopping it is my objective. I can't keep living this way even if everything appears normal on the surface. This drug is an insidiously clever demon. Here's the thing with me: I go through withdrawal every month because I always run out about 7 to 10 days before my doc will authorize a refill - the first day is easy, the second day is what I always call "the crusher", day 3 is a little better and by day 4 I have pretty good energy (just unable to focus it) and I am spontaneous again, I'm relaxed and easy if only a little scatter-minded, it's not so bad. So why do I keep getting the scrip refilled? Because even though I feel pretty alright and more authentic after a week or so of no addy, I long for "the oomph", the focus, the zing that lets me "get 'er done!!" even though that 90 minutes of exuberant efficiency transforms into tweaky, frustrated, pacey agitation for the rest of the day and the second dose is spending long nights in suspicious thoughts, anxiety and the same continuous loop of mental chatter over and over- and I can't see the bigger view of life- only through a keyhole. It's because of the 90 minutes of kick-ass productivity (despite knowing that the other 22.5 hours in each day are hell because of it)- that I kept getting it refilled for the past 7 years. Like how water slowly erodes rock, my demise has been sloooow and a longtime coming, it's been a gradual dissolving of myself bit by bit until almost a decade is gone now- Like in that great Talking Heads song "Once in a lifetime" ".... well, how did I get here? Letting your days go by..." "... you may say to yourself 'MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!" Yep, I can't keep this up. So that's why I finally posted here

Hello all, I have read posts here off and on for over a year. I wanted to join but couldn't bring myself to post. I am a 35 year old divorced mother and I have struggled with adderall for 7 years now. Nobody except my doctor knows that I use it. Here is my story: I was always a disorganized, scattered, day-dreaming mess who constantly wished that someday I could just finally "buckle down and get my act together" At the age of 28. Finally someday arrived! I got a diagnosis of inattentive-type ADD (which was in fact, accurate but that's besides the point) and was prescribed 10mg Adderall IR 2x's a day. At first it was glorious! I was every bit the super-woman I wanted to be. I was bursting with enthusiasm, organized my house, kept everything spotless, kids routine like a well-oiled machine, rocked the projects at work and felt like I had woken up from my slothful paralysis... ah, THIS was how life was meant to be lived! It was all so wonderful... until it wasn't. Over the course of a year, I noticed I was changing. I was withdrawing from friends. My world became smaller and smaller as I focused tightly on always "getting stuff done" -- writing for work, cleaning, organizing. Then it became all about not really getting anything done, but ruminating non-stop and going out on the back steps to smoke cigarettes one after another. Writing became a nightmare of wordy hyper-focus and stoppage, agitation. Cleaning was no fun anymore. I became so agonizingly annoyed with my kids. I just wanted to be left alone to think and think and smoke and pace from room to room, mindlessly picking up after everyone and compulsively pulling through my hair. I'd sit down to do research online for work and spend hours focused on totally unrelated searches- article after article of things completely off subject until 2 or 3 am, "sleep" for a few hours then get up to get through another day of the same. It's become hell. I wake up in the morning and eagerly await for the addy to "kick in" so I can spring into action for about a euphoric 90 minutes of "getting stuff done".. then BOOM! Good feeling gone but the clenched, wired buzz still hums and I don't wanna do anything but smoke and ruminate in racing thoughts. Take a second bump in afternoon, but it's just not the same. More keyed up and getting quite agitated, so have a couple glasses of wine or a few beers to soften the tension. Smoke, think, pace, clean- sometimes cry or ruminate in trapped circles over how to escape this madness. I don't binge, but the extra half-pill here and there causes me to always run out early. I am a zombie those days, I want to just sleep but can't because I have too much to take care of. So I get the bare minimum done, slog through the day and can gain up to 15lbs in 2 weeks. The day the script' can be refilled feels like winning the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and but oh, THIS TIME I'm going to really stay on track and appropriately use this valuable therapeutic miracle to fulfill my true potential ... puh! Someday is never now. These past 7 years have been a blur- I don't recall really any details, I just haven't been present for it. I live on add-fueled autopilot. It makes all the other compulsions worse-- especially smoking cigarettes. I can't take the up/down roller coaster anymore and I feel like caught in ever-tightening circles of a narrow, rigid world. Unless it's to go grocery shopping or make a run to the liquor store when the kids are staying at their dad's place, I seldom leave the house. What for? I've got my addy, my coffee, my cigarettes, my computer and an emergency stash of double India Pale Ale for when the racing thoughts and bruxism get to be too much. To now, I couldn't admit my problem that yes, I AM an addict. Because (like probably all of you here) I still attend to my responsibilities, I meet the demands on me, and keep up appearances of normalcy, I thought I could deny it and no one needs to know-- but my life is consumed and passing me by as I stay locked in this reinforced shell... I'm hoping to find the strength to break free from this .