SomedayDreamer

Oh, you're absolutely 100% correct about the danger of romanticizing adderall. Weird experience I had just this afternoon.. While cleaning, I found in the "linen cabinet/junk closet" a (totally empty) prescription bottle and seeing it gave this very brief flash of "oooo,yeah" but it was quickly followed by this nauseating anxious feeling, almost panicky aversion- not like fantasizing relapse, but I don't know it was just a bad feeling and I wasn't expecting it... sort of this attraction/repulsion thing. Weird mind associations.

Though you don't expect to feel happy or motivated right now, I'm guessing you are wanting adderall because happiness and motivation is what you would expect it to deliver, no? I wish I could tell you what would take that desire away, but I know the feeling too. All you can maybe do right now is remember that the feeling you want adderall to deliver is NOT gonna happen, even if you did take it... remember? Yeah, maybe you could catch a not-worth-it slight buzz (not even an hour tops, remember?) then it just comes on like a torturous wound-up painful agitation and wishing those horrible feelings would just fuckin' stop!! Remember, how we both said what those awful feelings were like.. and also the disappointment that the "good feeling" was so elusive and short-lived, we just couldn't catch it anymore? I remember when I first posted that 3 weeks ago and you knew exactly what I meant... that the "good high" just couldn't be caught anymore, it just went straight to fucktacular mess. Your lover (the good high) is not there anymore, the honeymoon's over, sweetie.... he's never coming back no matter how hard you chase him. I'm sorry. Just know that you WON'T always feel like this if you just let go of trying to revisit a "place" that no longer exists-- it's just not there anymore, only the bad parts of the adderall ride can ever remain for us. You don't want back on that. Hugs..

Although I do like the idea of "drop and do 50" -- 1.....2....3... ooooooohhh, ouch.. I think I just broke something LOL Aw, seriously... you all are awesome

Not to sound like Polly Anna (as if..) but honestly, to be "okay" with feeling "not okay" for a time, knowing it's gonna pass no matter what, I think that can carry you through. I mean, I'm not saying to wallow in misery. If the room is too hot open a window,. But it's an unavoidable fact of life that it can and does suck... My "goal" is to accept that sometimes I have to feel like utter caca and still be "okay" I don't have to "fix" it right away, especially when it's really a matter of allowing time to do it's thing. Always trying to "force" myself to avoid uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings/experiences was a lot of what got me hooked on adderall- how does that saying go "you can either try to cover the whole earth with carpet or you can just put on a pair of sandals" .... (and accept that sometimes you'll still get shit on your sandals)

Overall, in the 30,000ft view? Yes, a bazillion times better. The biggest challenges and biggest rewards are both dawning, but I'm definitely leaning towards the positive. Most of the crappiest stuff is situational (job loss, finances etc) but INSIDE me, I feel gravitation towards a steady if staggered upward progression. Externals can always be beyond my control anyway, but internally I am feeling more and more like "I got this, some shit sucks in life, but I got this"

Blechhhhh, doldrums going around for sure... like cholera through a shanty town. Bigups to rockin' the slept-in yoga pants, that's me today too as I kick off my first day of newly unemployed suckass, ehhh-- sooner or later the universe will stop shitting on us

This is really great to read-- thank you so much for posting your update. I am only into my 3rd week and it's been terribly rough at times, but it's inspiring to read your reclaimation of life. Well done!!!

I never connected the dots until you mentioned this.. Prior to adderall, I got cold sores maybe once every few years. But in the past 6 years, I got recurrent bouts of the nastiest cold sores around my mouth (and 3 times on my freakin' eyelid!) when on adderall. Along with the teeth grinding, I also used to suck and roll my tongue on the back of my teeth until I could taste blood. Three years ago, I had my first ever root canal after cracking the 3rd molar.. the dentist told me "your fillings are as shiny as chrome, you either eat a ton of unrefined grains or you grind your teeth like hell!" ... uh, yeah unrefined grains.

Wow, we love the same carrots except no tatts for me (too scared). I have one sentimental "carrot" in store for myself when I reach 90 days... last year, my daughter gave me a pink quartz pendant carved into the shape of a tortoise (the antithesis of "speed"... how apropos) I want to get a nice sterling chain to wear it as a symbolic reminder to myself.

It really is remarkable the difference it can make for motivation and "stick-to-it-tiveness" being a part of this forum when you have no one in "real" life to hold you accountable. I've no doubt it's what's helped me these past three weeks. Although we are all relative strangers to each other and our individual circumstances vary dramatically, you become a part of something bigger than just yourself (as those who may recall the movie "Happy"... kinda applies in this situation too). With so many at various points in their recovery, it helps greatly to know you're not alone in what you may encounter in overcoming this addiction.

whoops... noncontinuous it should say Oh, and a gratuitious explanation for which no one asked (nor likely cares lol) but, my "findings" about various supplements were reached using the following grossly amateur and deeply flawed methodology: Try a new supplement over the course of 4-6 months during adderall-free runs (generally 10-15 days at time)- I'd introduce only one supplement at a time for a week or so (depending on how quickly it's reported to take effect) and document any noticeable effects under a set of categories daily, then eliminate it for a time, and reintroduce it again (ideally at the same point in the monthly hormonal cycle to minimize that throwing it off)-- and voila, finding what worked and what didn't for me (sorta). I'm always looking at more, I'll pretty much try anything that's GRAS Placebo effect is always a variable I can't well account for, but I can say there were definitely some supps that I felt horrific effects, some had very positive effects, and some had absolutely no noticeable effects at all. Yes, I'd probably do well to find a hobby

Definitely, how much of the small things that make life more "alive" are just totally filtered out when on adderall! Like we become deaf/blind to the subtleties that really make the whole experience. It's like listening to an orchestra but only hearing the horns or the strings, missing out on the symphony that's made as a whole. (I'm fairly sure I heard that analogy somewhere before... so credit to someone way clever than me ) I find it so true.

wow, I need revisit my notes a little more...Under my section of my experiment with Gotu Kola from 4 years ago ( 100 mg, with food, 3 mos. noncontiguous) and noted "calm, very slight 'euphoria'/ increased sense of well-being" on several of the days. So I had a 100mg capsule earlier today, placebo effect perhaps, but I must say I feel really quite good mood. I'm picking up the house and...smiling, just kinda going about my tasks with calm alertness. Huh...certainly no blast-off euphoric energy of course, it's not a stimulant herb. Anyways, just sharing not advising anyone anywhere on anything (obligatory disclaimer )

SoulSearching9 The second week, I did notice some major crab ass moods (usually mornings) where I felt like throwing tantrums over tiny frustrations (low dopamine?? IDK) Have you been smoking a lot fewer cigarettes since quitting addie? Could it be nicotine fit be exacerbating the withdrawal? I wasn't planning to quit smoking just yet, but I did because cigarettes just weren't as "good" anymore and I'd feel like falling asleep after every smoke. So I got nicotine patches and noticed the raging moods got a lot better. No cigarettes for 6 days now-- I don't even miss it, it's crazy how the compulsion to smoke diminished when I quit adderall.

Anyone have experience with nootropic racetams, particularly aniracetam and piracetam? They're expensive and I'm just wondering if they're of any noticeable benefit.

Hmmm, I've always loved experimenting on myself with supplements. I have also kept observational notes on everything I've ever tried. My methodology certainly wouldn't stand up to scientific rigor, but for what it's worth: Anxiety: L-theanine (worked great for me, calm but not sleepy) Relora (ehhh/weird tension in head) Magnesium citrate (CALM brand, ok.. little drowsy) Passionflower (???) Valerian (sleepy/paradoxical effect- made me crabby) 5 HTP (effective) Skullcap Bach's Rescue Remedy (homeopathic? Didn't do anything for me) Hops (nice) Green Tea (matcha, surprisingly effective) GABA (headache, dopey, rebound anxiety) Kava (tincture- too sedating, tea- pretty nice) Gotu Kola (good) Holy Basil (slightly helped)

Think of it like this too.... as long as you stay quit, you'll never have to go through another Day 2 of withdrawal again (or a Day 3,4,5,... you get the point). I can't say it all becomes great once the acute withdrawal is over (read: PAWS). But the worst of the physical crap (aches, debilitating tiredness, yawning/tearing) it WILL get better And maybe in a couple days/weeks, just out of the blue you'll have a day or part of a day that you feel just AMAZING... enjoy that feeling when it comes, it might not stick around long, but it will come back again another day-- as a corollary, the horrible days/times will pass too.

Day 2 aching, crushing, dog-tired fatigue? Hellish, indeed. Day 2, in my experience, is the WORST physically (YMMV) If staying in bed for the next 48hrs is simply not an option for you (which it wasn't for me, either) as long as you slog through it upright and get through the bare necessary minimal tasks, you've done good-- and good enough just has to be good enough because just getting through it is an accomplishment in itself. Go easy on yourself, slack as much as you can and DON'T feel guilty about it. Coffee, 5-hour energy, red bull whatever can keep your eyes open if you have no choice but to keep them open. Also, I personally felt tremendous relief from the physical fatigue using an herbal supplement called rhiodola rosea (can find it any Whole Foods or health food co-op)

Finishing the script and fully noticing how horrible this drug feels was how I quit too. The day after the last pill was gone, I joined here and found this place to be incredibly helpful. Just reading and sharing with other people who know the hell that is adderall addiction has been indispensible to me in these last 18 days. Like you, I kept my adderall use a complete secret from everyone in my life, but like MFA pointed out there's no doubt they've noticed the changes in you. The struggle to keep up with the demands of kids and work has been the most challenging part for me so far. I'm still trying to find sustainable ways to lighten the overwhelming burden I set upon myself of doing everything for everyone else for 7yrs on adderall. We are no longer adderall-fueled machines, we are humans and we have a right to our humaness. I hope your surroundings will allow for some latitude and cooperation on the responsibility front while you transition back to you true (and better) self.

I.. can't... stop.... watching.. this... Good god, hour after hour! After the kids go to bed until the time I fall asleep. I'm all alone today so now finishing up season 2. I can only anticipate the twistedness that awaits.

Anyone who decided to try DMAE mind giving an update if it seems helpful and also what brand? I tried it a long time ago for about three months (non-continuously) and it was Source Naturals brand. I didn't notice any benefit but the bit of research published out there makes me want to give it another go.

One last thing to mention- hilarious as hell! Samuel Jackson reading "Go the Fuck to Sleep" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv6b0CretuE

Also the way I see it is that by the time I reach retirement age, there will be no more Social Security program and thus will be thankful I had so many kids. Hopefully at least one of them will take pity on me in old age... Nah, I bet by now we moms are both probably feeling the need to put disclaimers like "no, no don't get us wrong-- there's lots of wonderful things about raising kids". And there is! Plus words can't even describe the unconditional love you feel for them- someone you'd totally give your life for without a moment's hesitation (and in a way, that's exactly what you do little by little throughout it all) But the moms who try to act all perfect and like each day is just perpetual joy-- ew, such fuckery I cannot abide. I don't know, it's hard to explain-- there's really no analogy I can think of for it, it's just a unique life experience unto itself and the good and bad parts are just two sides of the same coin

I heard relapse dreams happen and last night it happened to me. But it was so weird.. I was sitting watching TV ( my new found hobby and surely it was Breaking Bad cuz I'm totally on to that now, thanks to here) and my oldest daughter walks into the room carrying this tall cup with a dome cover.. like the kind you get at Dairy Queen. She hands it to me with this super-creepy vampire smile on her face, I look and the cup is overflowing with blue pills and orange capsules. She's pushing this cup at my like "Oh, you know you want some" and I picked up a few and swallowed them.. and just like in the movies, I woke up saying "Oh noo!" LOL I was honest-to-God so relieved when I realized it was just a dream and I did not really relapse.

Yep, time-outs and soft voices only around here! Ha...haha...hahahahahahahaha...HAHAHA. Aw, girl... no doubt we all love our kids beyond anything in this world, but .. goddammit it is HARD!! Especially the toddler/preschool years are so demanding. I had four kids in just under 6 years (I didn't plan it that way, the youngest two are twins (and surprises), now 7yrs old and, must say, much less stressful). I stayed home for most of those years except for a part-time job (where they came with me...christ) and later finishing college. I just remember the constant crying, fussing, mommy mommy mommy, goldfish crackers stuck to my socks and yes, that fuckin go-gurt smeared everywhere...(hell, it's still like that some days)! I laugh, I cry, I laugh.. and cry sometimes at the same time