Danquit
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Posts posted by Danquit
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I would stay up all night building my sound studio. I’d spend hours stapling the soundproofing to the walls and the staples were perfectly aligned and evenly spaced. This would go on all night until sunrise when I would start getting ready for work. I would then go to work and be a complete lunatic while thinking I was the man and I’d volunteer for every task only to fail in my delivery. This went on for 4-5 days a week until my body couldn’t take it and I would literally crash for 2-3 days. The crashes didn’t always come on the weekend so I would just not show up to work for 2 days and call in with some excuse. I was supposed to fly to Chicago one Monday and instead I slept through my flight and the meeting with a client, that didn’t go over so well. I did this for a good 3 years until I was fired.
Who was I? I was just a cracked out version of myself. I was mister Hyde.
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I toyed with the idea of seeing someone about my brain function in the first year it I was afraid they would put me on some other med. once I hit my second year I could see the light at the end of the tunnel so I didn’t go to anyone. I just staid close to this forum and now at two years, I don’t even think about my brain function anymore, I’m just living my life. Cognitively speaking, I don’t feel any dumber but who knows what others might think;) the point is, if you’re really worried about it then go see someone but I’d be careful as all these professions are designed to make money so you may end up on some other med.
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Dude. This is your mulligan. I had one about four months after I was forced to quit because of psychosis. I couldn’t take the withdrawals and I thought I could handle it so I went to my quack doctor in NYC and got a script for Adderall. He wrote me a three month prescription but when I went to fill it at CVS, they gave me all three months worth. Needless to say, I binged for 3 solid weeks until I had another psychotic break. When I found myself sitting in another psyche ward I finally realized that it was the Adderall that was ruining my life, I decided that I could NEVER get back on it. That was two years ago and with the exception of that one slip up with that girl, I’ve been so happy that I do nt need that shit. Perhaps this relapse will lead to your true realization that you don’t need that shit. Just keep coming here and don’t disappear. Read through old posts. You can rejoin the living anytime.
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5 hours ago, SamJo said:
@Danquit I totally feel you. And that gives me hope that you feel back to normal! My brain is just still so scattered and I can’t think of certain words sometimes and I’m like how can this still be happening after 4 months not being on the drug? I feel like I have dementia or something
4 months is very early in the process. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Scatter brained, depressed, lazy, indecisive, those are all signs that your brain is slowly working to fix what the vyvanse changed. It is a slow process but it will get better. You will have to relearn how to live without it, every time you do something without the pills you will regain a bit of confidence. I mean everything, from taking a walk, to going out with some friends, talking to people, feeding yourself, laundry, all these things will slowly add up and one day you will look back and say “wow, that was all me” and that’s when you can enjoy your life again!
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16 hours ago, SamJo said:
@Danquit thank you! I’m just worried because reading about PAWS some websites say that ppl do never go back to normal bc of brain damage but I’ve only read that on one site and freaked myself out. I’m beginning month 4, yesterday I talked a lot and had a lot of opinions on things to say but today I feel like saying nothing and talking to no one and the only thing that helps is a glass of wine or a Xanax. I’m over thissssss.
I used to think that too in my early days but I just stayed off regardless, even if I do n’t go back to normal, at least I won’t be on Amphetamines. Now at two years clean, I can honestly tell you that I feel back to normal. I mean, I don’t know how I would be if I never took the stuff, but I do feel like my old self again. I’m kinda lazy, I have my humor back, I eat, I sleep, I work, I socialize, I am living my life and that’s what you’ll have if you stay off the vyvanse.
There is no need to be whacked out on speed to live your life. We are here to experience the world and to have relationships and to have a little fun. Amphetamines will rob you of that and turn you into an uncaring, selfish, antisocial, manic, robot that thinks you’re the shit when in reality you are a lunatic.
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Welcome Sam, the journey is long and hard but if you keep coming here and sharing, we will be here to offer help. It is the best decision in your life to quit. Stick with it and eventually things do get better. It just takes forever, don't give up and don't get back on vyvanse, it's not worth it.
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On 4/26/2018 at 9:59 AM, Traceme said:
Good for you Danquit. It takes guts and transparency to be able to share that with all of us. Thank you. I cannot speak about the addiction side of adderall-as I am only an ex lover of an addict. (reason for joining 3.5 years ago)
First and foremost, take care of you. You recognized the severity of the slip and it sounds like you've got your priorites (back)in order. It is so important to recognize your vulnerability. Hyper-critical is so correct-be careful. Great advice.
As for the love side of your life........
There are many women (and men) out there who are not addicts but have loved one. Although I am no longer with one-I learned a lot...albeit kicking and screaming...but I learned and I grew. When I finally made the decision after seven years to move forward-I had a lot to work through-even saying at one point-never again...never dating-never going to love...never this...never that.
I don't feel that way anymore. It took a long while for those negative "nevers" to leave my mind. Through group and private therapy-I can tell you this. There are women like me out there who will fight for you. There are women out there who will put your recovery first because they know it's the only way. There are women out there who will love you hard because they want to see you be the best version of yourself. I wouldn't date someone who has only been clean for a short time-but I can say I wouldn't hesitate dating an addict who was a couple of years out of the gate, like yourself. We are both smart right? We know the signs...we get that there are triggers-we can deduce the patterns. We also know when we must distance our self from situations that risk our sobriety.
I guess all I want to convey is hope. Hope for love-hope for growth-hope for everything you have that is important to you. Hope for the sweet gal you dated as well-because I know there is a man out there who will love her like she needs to be loved-when she is ready to conquer her demons.
Again-thank you for sharing. Keep walking that path to recovery. Amazing things are waiting for you.
Thanks Traceme,
I ended it with her because I could feel her addiction affecting me negatively. I started smoking her e-cig when we would hang out and even that was starting to get addictive. Adderall addicts want to pull you into their little world of addiction. They can be very convincing and you start to forget all the negative stuff and I started to forget all the hell I've been through. It was almost surreal to be living in her world for a couple weeks. I finally just ripped the bandaid off and it wasn't easy. I actually was afraid to do it because I didn't want to trigger a psychological break and risk the wrath. At this point, I have to say I can never date someone on Adderall. I just can't afford to be around it, ever. Adderall ruins lives, as much as I liked her, I just couldn't be around it anymore. I have to look out for me, it sucks, but it is absolutely the best thing for me. I wish I could help her but I can't. Fuck Adderall.
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You are right on the edge of getting to a milestone. I remember at 8 months things were pretty bad but some good days were starting to pop up. Hang in there, you can do it, remember the early days of hell and tell yourself you don't ever want to go back there. You don't want to go back ever! You have to fight for your life, this is life and death we're talking about. Fight! Lack of motivation is one of the things that Adderall tells you it can fix, but it is a complete lie. Just keep taking it one day at a time and don't look back. You can do it! Drink some coffee, even energy drinks to help you get through, just don't go back to Adderall, it will destroy you.
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1 hour ago, hyper_critical said:
Danquit - Be extra vigilant these next few weeks. There is a tradition on here and IRL of people having a slip, aggressively and immediately claiming “it was stupid and no big deal and a learning experience and it’ll have been a good thing etc”
Maybe. But on some level you've reactivated that neural pathway, regardless of your ex-ante intention or ex-post rationalization. You’re vulnerable right now. Sounds like you are processing and I’m glad you came here to share about it but my point stands: be careful.
I know, I just reached my two years when this happened. I am definitely processing and will heed your advice. I will continue sharing and seeking advice on here because I can feel that I am vulnerable right now and it’s scary.
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It would be nice to have a dating site where you could meet people who have already been through this shit wouldn’t it?
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16 hours ago, quit-once said:
I don't think one pill counts as a relapse, but there must be a price to pay for fucking up. For example, you cannot honestly say you have been completely clean from Adderall for over two years now. Don't beat yourself up over it. Did you learn a new vulnerability to be aware of? Did you learn any potential strategies for rejecting Adderall if it is offered to you in the future? You "wanted to see if you could do it and not get hooked again"? I just don't see what could be gained from that experiment.
As far as referring her to this place as a reference, I don't think it sounds like she is ready to quit, or even wants or needs to quit right now.
Too bad, it sounds like it could be a great relationship except for the elephant.
I agree on all points. I cannot drink and be offered Adderall or I will take it so I have to avoid this stituation. It was a learning experience and honestly, I think it has become part of my recovery story and I don’t beat myself up too much over it. I just wish I could help her get out of her addiction but I know that’s impossible unless she wants it.
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16 hours ago, SeanW said:
Girls man, they make you do dumb shit.
True. It definitely factored that she had a killer body from that Adderall too.
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10 hours ago, Nicole88 said:
Wow, crazy how something like this can come out of nowhere. Did you have any suspicion prior to going out that she might be on it? Did you mention at any point your history with adderall? Just curious as to how the whole thing played out.
Nope I had no suspicion until we were in the car and by then it wa too late. Then the drinks got involved and things just got out of control. It was definitely a stupid one time screw up. Looking back on our pre-date communication, her messages to me were super long and jumped all over the place. I thought she was just super open and friendly because I met her on meetmindful dating site which is for people who are open and spiritual but I guess Adderallics can come off that way. It is so obvious now that I look back at our communication, scary!
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So this is kinda random but I thought I’d share. I picked her up to go for a hike and in the car she was extremely talkative for the hour drive to the trails. The topics ranged from her family drama to ideas for apps she was trying to get patented. Then she mentioned that she was ADD and was on medication for it and I really started paying attention. Her behavior was very intense and she seemed to be completely focused on what she wanted to do never mind being on a date. She basically ran up the mountain while I could barely keep up! She was walking ahead of me but still talking non-stop I couldn’t even hear her but I don’t think she cared either way. It was scary seeing how someone acts in Adderall when you know exactly what they are going through.
At the end of the hike I brought up my observation best I could but her response was immediately “I can’t function without it.” I will refer her to this site so maybe it will help. She desperately wants to stop but I can tell that it has her in its grip. Here is the plot twist. We were drinking at the bar after the hike and somewhere in the midst of all the drinking, she offered me a half of a 20mg addy and I took it! Fuck! Luckily I drank so much that I didn’t feel it too much but to be honest I wanted to see if I could do it and not get hooked again. I know that’s risky and stupid but sitting here the day after, I have zero desire to ever take that shit again. So does this count as a relapse at 2 years clean? I don’t think so. It was stupid but it happened.
the sad part is the girl could be really sweet and fun girlfriend, I could see glimpses of her true self but it was masked behind the Adderall addiction so it’s definitely not gonna work out. I don’t really know how to respond to her super long texts now, I guess I’ll just be honest. This was one crazy ass date I’ll tell you that!
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Congrats on one year! That is huge! You sound like you’re doing great and only good things to happen in year two. This is when you settle in to your new life and start working towards the future instead of looking at the past.
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So it’s been two years since I got off Adderall and I can tell you that I am officially back. By this I mean that I am back to being my insecure, anxiety ridden, sometimes depressed, sometimes happy, sometimes excited, sometimes lazy, sometimes sad, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes confident, and sometimes scared but always sure that I will be ok because it’s all me.
It has been a brutal and traumatic two years of taking things one day at a time (especially in the beginning) but I can honestly say that I am recovered. This doesn’t mean that I am always happy but that is ok. I am able to handle life completely on my own. I only think about Adderall when I’m in this site and reading other people’s experience. I think of Adderall as that wild ex-girlfriend that will always have a place in my heart but could never work. Man what a breakup.
I wish I had the words to express exactly what I’ve been through so you all could know what I’ve been through but I’m sure if you’re reading this, you know or you will know this journey. The point is that you will make it if you just persevere. God it was hard getting through that first year.
Anyway, I’m still here and I’m still gonna check in and provide what answers I can because I know that this site made a huge difference in my recovery and I want to help as many others as I can. Love you all!
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Triggers for me are that desire to have unlimited energy and the feeling of invincibility and the uber confidence I had in Adderall. But now that I’m almost 2 years clean, I can honestly tell you that that confidence was bullshit and now that I’m having to work my ass off just to lose a pound it is much more rewarding. Other triggers are easy weight loss, ability to drink like a fish and cure the hangover with another addy in the morning, and sex for hours. How do I fight the triggers? I run my ass off, I remind myself of the two trips to the mental hospital, and I simply say “fuck Adderall” when I am tempted.
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Ok I saw it and it just made me reminisce about all the good times I had in Adderall but they didn’t show anything about the horrible effects of it. This was probably produced by someone still on Adderall.
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Stay strong Frank, you inspire many in here including me. At 24 months I am feeling ok but still hope that one day I can feel great about life again. I wish I could feel like I was on Adderall again, not saying I would do it but just sayin.
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I haven’t seen it but I hope it isnt one giant ad for Adderall. There needs to be more documentaries about the companies profiting from it, the addiction that it causes, and the recovery nightmares experienced here so that more people will avoid taking it.
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Nice one Nicole! Congrats on 20 months, I was like you at 20 months, reading daily but not really writing. It’s nice to be back to normal life isn’t it? It’s not perfect but it’s real! I’m coming up on two years and looking back it feels like just yesterday I was laying in bed miserable and wanting to die. What a brutal journey it’s been but it was completely worth it. Congrats on your new home and I hope you continue to check in from time to time.
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It’s a bump in the road. You are two years without Adderall so if you don’t take anymore then it will be quick to recover from one pill. I will take this as a warning though because I am at close to two years and I feel like I am home free but I know all it takes is a moment of weakness and I could end up back in the nightmare. Get rid of any stashed you might have. I can’t imagine being able to hold onto any stash for two years! No way!
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Welcome to the forum littlemissnikki, you are not alone in what you’re going through. When I quit the first time after being on 60mg a day for 5 years, I had my first panic attacks that freaked me out so bad it led to me relapsing because I thought I was gonna die. When I quit again I knew that panic attacks were part of recovery so I toughen it out by getting outside and walking a lot. It was really hard but I made it through and I know you can too. I’d keep the Xanax handy but don’t take them if it’s not absolutely necessary. Xanax is a double edged sword, it’s highly addictive and has a lot of negative side effects. It sounds like you didn’t abuse adderall and you weren’t on it too long so I’d say stay quit since you’ve already started. It will get better but you have to go through the hell of recovery, here is no other way but through. Welcome again to the board!
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I love Joe Rogan’s perspective on things, he gets it. He’s talked about Adderall before and how he can’t believe it’s prescribed to kids.
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Who were you on Adderall??
in General Discussion
Posted
I bought so many mics, audio interfaces, compressors, studio monitors, mic stands, speaker cables, keyboards, computers, software, etc. and it was all top of the line stuff and I had never recorded in my life! I just thought if I build it, the skills would come. I did learn a lot while doing this project but my false confidence led me to believe I was already a recording legend. In the end I had to disassemble the whole thing and I ended up selling everything for pennies on the dollar.
I wish I had that studio today, I definitely want to rebuild it when I get a house where I can use what I learned. I’m sure it would be so much simpler and functional rather than a ton of expensive equipment that looked great but were just a gross representation of my state of mind at the time.