[One Word Status Update]

Clear

[Coping with Boredom?]

I have a huge problem with boredom at work.  I honestly wish I was held more accountable because I'll spend hours scrolling through social media. But I don't recommend doing this to stay busy.  I've found that in itself has become an addiction and something I use to escape work/reality.  I've since cut back after realizing how toxic it can be.

If your that bored, I'd try new healthy hobbies/habits.  i.e. cardio and weight training, reading, meditation.  I highly recommend the headspace app for meditation. You could find some local NA or AA meetings to attend.  I'd try a few and see which ones you feel a connection with, I've gone to some that just aren't for me.  You could also listen to some educational/fun podcasts.  I love the Joe Rogan podcast.

[Just need to vent]

I feel you Nicole, I’m at 17 months as well and this time of year is also hard for me. Just something depressing about it getting dark so early and all these holidays parties and socializing make me want to use.

I'm not considering adderall, I fully believe I’ll never put that shit in my body again, but I’ve been kind of obsessing about alcohol (which I haven’t had for almost 6 months).  I’ve also craved pain pills to get through some of these social gatherings (which I haven’t touched for well over a year).

i hate when I start romanticizing alcohol. I start obsessing about how a nice whiskey is just another masculine thing I should be able enjoy but I know that’s bullshit. I’m being more manly by being different and being strong enough to not give in to a temptation.

and discipline equals freedom. If I choose to have alcohol in “moderation” I’m once again a prisoner to a substance 

 

[Stuck in the middle]

Yeah its like you cannot get a satisfying deep breath.  Happens to me sometimes, usually when I'm overthinking my breathing.  Since I've started meditating I can usually calm myself down a lot quicker than in the past.

[PROCRASTINATION]

Yeah the procrastination can be completely paralyzing.  I remember being at both work and home not being able to physically make myself begin a task that needs to be done.  At work, I would just mindlessly scroll through social media as a distraction or escape...not doing the thing that needs to be done until the last possible minute.  Or at home I'd sit there paralyzed while my wife took care of the house.  In my mind I wanted to pry myself out of the recliner and do the right thing but I couldn't take that initiative.

I understand everyone goes through this extreme procrastination phase and you have to be patient with yourself but eventually you get to the point where MASSIVE ACTION is the cure all.  You just have to keep making new goals/habits and do them no matter what.  Recently, I've committed to meditating everyday with the headspace app no matter what, I've got a 56 day streak going.  I also gave myself a rule to not even login to my facebook or twitter on the company computer which I haven't done for several weeks.  Monday thru Friday I wake up before 5am and go the gym no matter what.  What do you do when you don't feel like it?  Its simple, You do it anyway and I guarantee you'll never regret it.  I follow a retired navy seal Jocko who has the motto "discipline equals freedom" and the more I discipline myself the more free I'm feeling.  I highly recommend following him on social media and/or reading any of his books.

[New to this site and deciding to talk about this]

Same here fellas, I'm 31 and I'm the most fit I've ever been.  After quitting adderall, I gained tons of weight and got up to almost 260lbs.  After several months of the gym and meal prepping every Sunday and being mindful of what I put into my body, I'm 214lbs and stronger than I've ever been.  Its crazy how much adderall distracted us from taking care of our body.  I mean you only get one after all.  Now I enjoy fueling my body with healthy foods and trying to figure out what combination of nutrition, cardio and strength training makes me feel optimal.

[Awesome video in my opinion... I agree w/ her 100%]

 

[Good article]

great article Frank, appreciate it, occupied me for about 30 minutes here at the end of a Friday workday.  I like all the Breaking Bad references, my favorite show of all time.

Its also interesting how they say give a back alley meth head the option for some crystal or an adderall and he'll take the adderall everytime.  Just shows you how bad this shit is and how much big pharma makes it look like just "medicine"

[Want to lower my bpm]

Another benefit for myself is my fitbit actually helps with my anxiety.  Sometimes I feel like my heart may be racing or feel panicked and I can look down and see I'm only at like 70bpm and it calms me down.  

[Want to lower my bpm]

I agree, you need to use a fitbit to get an accurate resting heart rate.  If you just use the app on your phone, you might be checking it at a time you are slightly elevated.  The fitbit gets the most accurate resting bpm reading during sleep.  Plus its awesome to have a tracker to see your improvements.  Initially my resting heart rate was around 70 but as I've lost weight and done more and more weight training and cardio, I've got it down to below 60 on some days.

[Can't Believe it Happened to Me]

2 hours ago, Mer said:

Hey Kiona,

My experience has a few significant parallels to yours.  Like you, I was at a loss as to how to battle my ADHD and depression and felt like I was taking a step in the adult direction by seeking management for it.  And like you, I live with my parents.  I'm 29.  Like you, I experience supreme worthlessness and suicidal ideations.

I came home two months ago to quit and though my parents knew I was taking medication and were highly against it because of the way it altered my behavior, they aren't educated in the addiction to and withdrawal from it.  To them, a lazy, brooding, mono-toned shell of their daughter just crashed the comfortable little universe they'd been diligently maintaining and I have been too ashamed to talk to them about what exactly is going on.  Two days ago, my mom asked me, "So what are we going to do about this depression?  I think you need to talk to someone."  And you know what?  She's right.  I broke down and told her how hard it is to want to do anything at all after wanting to do everything, how my cognitive functions have slowed down, how social interaction is draining because I've been so disconnected from pure connection with another person for so long, how angry I am for being "lazy".

But I'm not lazy, and neither are you, or you wouldn't have proactively sought methods to combat a state you knew was holding you back from the things you want in life.  You recognized your journey to attain happiness and the possible aspects of your physical vessel that could be holding you back from that venture.  You aren't a lump by nature, even after adderall, or you wouldn't be so deeply ashamed of your lack of want.  You WANT to WANT.  I myself experience paralyzing anxiety that stems from a lack of belief in myself to soberly accomplish, deep shame for the ingratitude of my addiction and the things I lost from it, and a now untreated ADHD that spins every menial task into a web of "how the fuck can I possibly accomplish anything in life when I can't just do this thing?"  I am also pummeled with these flashbacks to my best moments on adderall, like when you start to get over a bad relationship and have an inner longing for the warm and fuzzy highlights that made you love that person.

But like jumping back into the dating pool after heartbreak, you're still getting your legs under you.  You're painfully insecure and unsure of yourself; you've had a reliable source of external control and now you only have your insides to work with--and you've been so out of touch with who you really are that you don't accurately understand what your feelings actually mean.  You won't bounce back to your prior state--but face it, treating depression with adderall meant that you were terrified of returning to that painful state in the first place.  So now you're where you dreaded, but with a battered ego and an exhausted brain.  And you're gaining weight, which is a traumatizing experience for anyone, especially women.  You can't compare your current self to your best self on adderall.  You have to look at the whole picture of your journey and try to summon some gratitude that your body endured so much abuse at the price of your ego.  My advice?  Tell the people you're afraid to tell if the shame of their opinions is affecting your current happiness.  Their disapproval of psychiatric drugs will be overshadowed (and probably strengthened) by their love for you.  It is a gift to be vulnerable with the people we love because it is painful to watch someone endure something we don't understand because we can see no way to help them.

You're like a delicate child right now, and you have to guide yourself accordingly.  The pain and shame of addiction keeps us in an altered consciousness, both regretting and longing for the experiences that culminated to this very state of being.  But look at how much you've changed in the past two years.  The way in which you battle addiction in the next two years will shape your future person in the same way.  You need to be as educated as possible, you need support, you need professional guidance, you need to be able to give yourself the tools so that you can trust yourself.  An impulse to isolate is actually a sign of loneliness, it is your feelings telling you that you're damaged and you need some external support and healing.  Supplement your cravings for adderall with love from family or friends.  Find a new social network where you can be seen as you are rather than as who you have been.  Don't sit in self hatred or disappointment, everything that you've ever been looking for is what you already are.

What you really need is to fall in love with yourself.  Thank yourself for seeking help, and admit that this attempt was a failure.  Failure is good.  We learn from failure.  Remember the things you loved about yourself before medication, the things you loved to do.  Keep a gratitude journal.  Allow your motivation to come from a place of love for yourself and the people around you; they have been working just as hard as you have to attain happiness, but without the use of adderall.  Learn from them.  Learn how to love and appreciate them again, learn how to appreciate and take care of yourself.  It's fucking hard, man.  Acknowledge that it's hard, but don't let that be an excuse to not do better, to continue seeking the life that makes you happy.

Wow... I'm not one of them but I just want to say there are some awesome writers on this site.... and they're writing this beautifully without fucking adderall.  The support of this fellowship we have on this online forum gives me goosebumps sometimes.  I feel just as connected to you folks as the people I sit with in the rooms of NA  

[Has anyone gone off caffeine too and felt even better?]

2 hours ago, EricP said:

I am still fighting day to day however I have tried coffee a couple times since and the weird thing is it doesn't do much for me anymore even being off both all this time. The first time I had a cup it increased my anxiety for sure however neither time did I get that good old "coffee buzz" I used to get. I think the adderall has just nummed my brain or there just still isn't enough dopamine on standby to give me that caffeine rush... Not sure if anyone else has had a similar experience (or lack there of) to caffeine?

Same here, it seems so weird that I use to pair Caffeine with adderall all day long to intensify the effects and get some euphoric feeling...but now when I have just coffee, or red bull I get super anxious.  I used to chew up an adderall on the golf course and chase it with a 5hour energy and thought I felt awesome.  A few months ago I had just a 5hour energy, obviously not paired with adderall and I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  Lately I only drink tea, 1/2 black tea and 1/2 green tea but I'm considering just completely eliminating caffeine from diet.

[10 Months Adderall Free]

I was unhappy in so many ways.  My "rock bottom" was several things; the realization that I was isolating myself from family and friends. The cycle of using my script in a 2 week span and then being consumed with how I was going to find more on the street.  I was OCD about counting the pills in my pocket and in my bottle and looking at the calendar trying to see how long I'd be good for.  I got so sick of manipulating doctors and changing dosages just to get a refill early because I was out.  I also realized it was unsustainable for my body and mind;  I was losing my mind and having anxiety all the time.  Plus several times I stayed awake for a few days at a time and kept taking adderalls and redbull.  The body and heart cannot handle this drug long term.  I knew it was going to kill me if I kept taking it.  One is too many and 1,000 is never enough

[When other people notice...]

Gratitude is a powerful tool.  Sometimes a little time passes and I get a little complacent and forget how far I came. But you're right, when I think back to the road I was going down and where I'm at now there is sooo much to be thankful for.

And I agree, being able connect with people and be engaged in real/deep conversations feels great.  I was so isolated from everyone including my wife, family and coworkers and now I love people again.

Its still a process but recently people have noticed I'm getting my sense of humor back which feels great.  I always thought I was quick and witty but throughout my adderall years I was reserved and isolated, I'd do everything I could to avoid conversations

[Great things about not taking adderall]

Being able to actually sleep is pretty awesome.

Not always counting pills and/or days until my next refill offers quite the peace of mind also.

[4mo Off and Up and Down Days?]

True, some of the stuff you read can be pretty scary but I've also a ton of stuff that shows the brain has an amazing ability to repair itself.  The fact that it can take years sucks but I'm already at almost 16 months and it feels like I just quit so time goes by quick.  

Exercise definitely helps me big time also.  Sometimes when I'm feeling super down, I'll force myself to go for a run or lift weights and its like instant clarity.

[4mo Off and Up and Down Days?]

Its definitely normal.  I agree with you that its very frustrating having the highs and lows when you aren't doing anything drastically different.  I've seen it written many times on here that recovering from adderall addiction is definitely not a linear process. I'm coming up on 16 months and I still have good days and bad.  I don't want that to discourage you though, my good stretches can now be  for weeks or months but occasionally the anxiety and feeling like I can't do the most simple task will creep back in.  I recall someone on here saying that its part of the brain repairing itself slowly overtime.  

[MLB player honest about adderall addiction]

Awesome read.  I always like reading the stories where someone was full blown addicted to adderall but then got their shit together and still have major success.  Makes you realize its a process but its attainable for all of us.

[Do People Know?]

Somehow I kept it hidden from everybody for the most part.  But now that I've been off of it for 9 months, my wife realizes how different it actually made me.  Now I'm more affectionate, open, honest and just more fun to be around in general.  Opposed to the Adderall me who was a liar and a cold person.

[Share how you ruined your reputation at work :)]

One of the things that always embarrassed me was when we go on work lunches I would literally have to piss like 5 times in the 45 minutes we were at lunch.  I was so tweaked out on adderall and red bull.  Sometimes I would feel the urge to pee again the minute I sit down after getting back from the restroom.  God I'm thankful I can now sit for a couple hours with peace of mind and not the urge to pee every 10 mins.

[Nine Months - Happy Valentine's Day to me!!]

Awesome!  I'm pretty much on the same timeline as you're husband.  I'll celebrate my 9 months on Feb. 17th  I agree with you 100%  I've had a few difficult times come up but I

know they would be so much more difficult if I was still using adderall.  Now I'm able to resolve things with a clear mind and keep pushing forward towards my dreams and goals

opposed to when I was using I would just let all the bad things keep compounding.

I've read a lot of the struggles on here too and I think it could be complacency.  I try to stay vigilant in my recovery and reflect daily on how dark and miserable my life was with

Adderall.  It consumed my every thought and distracted me from living my life.  Breaking free from that hell makes me cry tears of joy sometimes too. 

☮ ✌

[Does adderall mess up your metabolism? Anyone know of a good diet pill to help?]

I feel like it does mess with your metabolism.  Unfortunately I haven't found that right combination of nutrition, weight training, and cardio to cut weight.  I'm glad you brought this up though and hopefully someone will have some good advice because I feel your frustration.... I've been busting my ass in the gym lifting weights daily and doing cardio a few times a week, while I'm getting stronger and feel much healthier, I'm not noticing the LB's dropping off :-/  I'm hoping its because I'm new to weight lifting and gaining muscle but I've got plenty of extra weight that I can afford to shed.

[The +2 Year Mark No]

I took adderall for 10 years and binged daily for the last 2-3 years and I can tell you that my life is 100x better without adderall.  You call it a magical pill but that shit lost its magic for me way before I stopped taking it.

I'm at 9 months clean and I've got way better/healthier habits than I ever had while using adderall.  I've got a better and more honest relationship with my wife, my family and my friends.

Sure, I struggle at my job and have a hard time staying on task for 8 hours but I now realize its because I hate this fuckin job lol.  I don't want to take a pill that tricks me into thinking what I do for a living is fun.  I'm more eager to find a means of income that I'm naturally drawn to.

[trying to find a solution]

As soon as you can force yourself to hit the gym, that helps big time too.  Whether its weight training or running on the eliptical or treadmill.  Your body releases endorphins and it helps me feel better about myself and gives me natural energy for the rest of the day.  Plus it gives you that since of accomplishing something thats not easy to do and doing it without the aid of adderall....which always reassures me that I'll be just fine without adderall

[Holy Shit! 9 Months!]

Congrats on 9 months Dan!  I'm about two weeks from celebrating my 9 months as well.  My recovery is super similar to your timeline.  During months 1-6 I really struggled with bad anxiety, depression and lack of motivation.  But months 7-8 I noticed a lot of the fog lifted and I stopped waiting for that magical motivation to happen and instead just started taking action.  Initially it sucked getting up at 5am and hitting the gym for an hour but now it has gotten as routine as brushing my teeth.  And its addicting feeling your body change for the better.  Naturally that same motivation carried over into my nutrition.  I've now became consumed with what I put into my body and how I take care of it.  I'm seriously considering eliminating sugar (unless its from fruit) and caffeine from my diet but I haven't pulled the trigger on that yet.

The biggest thing I struggle with is motivation to stay on task at my 9-5 office job.  Adderall used to make me love this tedious shit I do for a living but now I Fuckin HATE it.  But I'm okay with that, because I don't want to take a pill that tricks me into thinking I enjoy shit that I don't.  Not taking adderall has given me so much more self awareness.  I'm finally maneuvering myself to chase a dream that I've always wanted to.  And I think that is really what so many of us struggle with.  Its not that we cannot get motivated as much as it is we hate what the fuck were doing.  In the past anytime we were faced with something difficult or tedious we'd just take a pill and hey weeee! its fun.  Think about it, I don't struggle at all now to get motivated and focus on things that I enjoy; I'm naturally focused and dialed in when I run on a treadmill, lift weights, meal prep for the week, have sex, play poker, play golf.  So I think the real key is finding something your passionate about and figure out how to make money at it.

☮ ✌