[Obligatory Relapse Rant / Update]

You never have to use again. YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN. Let that sink in.

Please, don't delete this post. As heartbreaking as it is, it's part of your journey. One day you'll look back on it and be grateful you took the time to reach out. It's a courageous thing to do. You're so, so valuable and beautiful the way you are.

You're also not alone. You're one of us. We all know how this feels. We know the hell. Welcome. Come weather this storm with us. It's not always fun, but it's so fulfilling when we all join in and jump hurdles together. 

This disease will kill you if you let it. The fight is fixed.

[How many years were you on Adderall?]

Seven

[Headaches]

Have these started recently? It's cold and flu season, could be early signs of a virus. Also, PSA to all of you: GET YOUR FLU SHOTS THIS YEAR. I've been at home miserably ill for days and I wish so whole heartedly that I had gotten a flu shot. Learn from my mistake, y'all.

[PhD, adderall-free!]

Congrats!!!!! How amazing. So many of us struggle academically and turn to adderall as a way to cope so this is particularly inspiring! You should be so thrilled  

[Libido, where'd you go? I miss you.]

Hey - female here! I experienced the insatiable thing early on as well, but toward the end of my addiction my mental health had deteriorated so immensely that sex was low on the priority list. It wasn't until I had a few months clean under my belt and my life was less of a dumpster fire that I started feeling natural libido again. I just picked up 15 months and I'm happy to report I'm back to my normal self as far as sexual desire is concerned (it's maybe even more fervent than before, honestly). I'm 25, by the way, if that means anything to you. I wouldn't be too worried about anything long term if I were you, though general health can be a big factor in libido as well. Hate to give you the typical slew of advice: but eating right, exercising, and looking after your mental health are probably the best things you can do if you have concerns!

[AA/NA meetings]

Hey Taylor,

I'm involved in both fellowships, but more active in NA. In my area, there's a lot of crossover between the two. The main reason why I prefer NA is the literature, it's much newer and more applicable to my life. I'd suggest Living Clean the Journey Continues. There's nothing wrong with AA, and there does tend to be a little more sobriety in terms of collective years in AA fellowships because of the relative ages of the programs. But for me, I always felt a little phoney in AA rooms because I was never a huge drinker. I think the difference between the two is super obvious in their first steps: AA: "powerless over alcohol" NA: "powerless over our addiction."

I prefer to focus on the disease of addiction because I believe it was THAT that ld me to adderall, not the substance itself. Good luck to you, I hope you find peace in whichever you decide! 12 Step fellowships are beautiful things. Early on, I'd really suggest just going to as many meetings as possible in both programs and really finding ones where you feel comfortable, there's a lot more diversity/variety in meeting type/ambiance than you'd think - be proactive about finding what works for you!

Just for Today,

Cheeri0

[Brain Feeling Better! 14 months]

Hey Everyone!

Just wanted to shoot you all a quick update, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I know a lot of people come to this site for information about recovery timelines (including a bunch of lurkers who never post anything) so I thought I'd contribute some recent developments regarding my recovery.

Stats: 5'5'', Female, abusing up to 200 mgs daily for 7 years, 24 years old and 120 lbs when I quit, minimal exercise throughout recovery process and a pretty unhealthy diet.

I just passed the 14 month mark, and I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still feeling cognitive improvements. I thought that I'd "back to normal" by the year mark, but I'm still feeling better every day. I feel 85 percent back to "normal" at this point, hoping that exercise and spinach will push me to 100 percent by month 18 but who knows. I will say that my exercise routine and diet have been awful recently, and I might be further along in the brain-healing process had I been more vigilant about healthy habits early on. It is what it is, though. I plan on making both more of a priority from here on out!

The big development these past few months is that I feel like my emotions have finally started to regulate themselves. I no longer have mood swings! I have a really good idea what my emotional baseline is, and am finally able to accurately identify feelings and their causes. I felt physically back to normal around month 7, but this emotional acuity is new!

I just love you all. I've browsed this forum every week for the past 14 months and have really come to depend on you all and the stories you share. Never doubt that you're helping people because you've truly been an integral part of saving my life, all of you. What a fucking beautiful day to be clean. <3

[ONE MONTH CLEAN.. STRATERRA?]

20 hours ago, AshleyT said:

Dear Lizbeth,

Did you know that Strattera “is 9 times more likely to be linked with violence compared to the average medication”: http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/07/top-ten-legal-drugs-linked-to-violence/ 

Additionally, Strattera shares the same black box warning (strictest FDA drug label warning) on all antidepressants stating that these drugs increase suicide risks. (http://adhddrugslongterm.com/References/FDA_Strattera_Label(2017-08-01_5-33-52PM).pdf) Strattera’s FDA Medication Guide warns parents to watch for suicidal thoughts in their children, as well as anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, restlessness, mania and depression (http://adhddrugslongterm.com/References/FDA_Strattera_Label(2017-08-01_5-33-52PM).pdf). Parents are also warned that new psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations may emerge. Common side effects of Strattera that the Medication Guide reports in children and teenagers include tiredness and mood swings, and in adults, sexual problems  Are you sure you still want to do this?

Paid by the pharmaceutical industry, psychiatry markets medications without being concerned about how badly these drugs progressively destroy people's mental and physical equilibrium. I've initiated a lawsuit about this misrepresentation, we are also suing the manufacturer of Strattera in this class-action suit for skewing the risk/benefit ratio of this drug. See this pdf I've presented to my law firm if you have time and if you want to fully understand the extent of this misrepresentation and the vested interests responsible: http://adhddrugslongterm.com/Misrepresentation_of_ADHD.pdf  Join my class-action suit if you already have damages form any ADHD drug and would like to get compensation from those violating your right to informed consent. You can fill this 5 minute questionnaire if your damages are documentable, your name will be publicly disclosed but none of your side effects, damages or your medical record, my law firm (McEldrewYoung) will talk to you and get your consent and verify my words before you officially join: http://adhddrugslongterm.com/class-action-lawsuit/   

Best of luck, Asli Theobald, MS, information analyst    

Hey @AshleyT, to some degree, I think we all appreciate what you're doing by trying to draw attention to the pharmaceutical/capitalistic components of our issue. Bringing concerns about Adderall and the over-medication of American children into legal forums is a noble cause. That being said, we come here to chat with each other and heal from intense personal strife. When someone is considering medication prescribed to them and is asking other addicts for their experiences and advice, it may not be the appropriate time to push your class action.

I wish you the best in your venture and hope you can find a few people to join your cause, but if you could keep it confined to your own personal posts instead of interjecting into discussions "for us by us" I think that'd be polite!

[ONE MONTH CLEAN.. STRATERRA?]

My personal experience with straterra was God awful, although take my story with a grain of salt because I've heard really mixed reviews about it from other people. Could boil down to a brain-chemistry thing, but for me, it made me feel CRAZY.

I was on it for a month, and while it wasn't super weird when I was titrating up, as soon as I got to the prescribed dosage I can't remember two weeks of my life. It was that insane. No idea what I did, my memory was completely shot. I also felt loopy as can be, said things I didn't mean... I mean it was awful. I'd stay far, far away if I were you. No drug has ever scared me as much as straterra did.

 

[Can't Believe it Happened to Me]

@Alyssa Narcotics Anonymous!

[Can't Believe it Happened to Me]

Hey Kiona. I frequent the addiction subs on Reddit and recommend this site to all the speed freaks I come across there, so if it was me who sent you this way (I have the same username on both) then hello again. I identify so much with your story. I'm also female, mid twenties, and dealing with a metric fuckton of weight gain since my since my adderall days. I can't imagine getting through early recovery without being honest with my family, though. Are you sure they wouldn't want to know? It might relieve them to know what's going on, and the support would be very, very useful to you right now. I also completely understand being worried about the employment situation, keeping a Job in early recovery is tough. You really just have to accept that you're going to give your Job the bare minimum and let that be enough. 

300 mgs a day at 120 lbs is a lot of adderall. Your brain has a lot of adjusting to do, and it might take a while. But there's a lot to be learned on the journey, it's not all wasted time. I think the best advice someone could have given me early on would be to try and enjoy myself as much as possible. I know it feels like you don't have the dopamine to be anywhere close to happy, but if you stay sober long enough your life is going to change drastically for the better. Complete with rent to pay, relationships to maintain, and good jobs to kick ass at. Try to enjoy the time of minimal responsibility while you're working toward that point. Teach yourself how to be you again.

Honestly there's nothing that anyone here is going to tell you that's going to magically make you feel better, but we are a community that's been where are you. That knows how painful this is. If I were you, I'd looking into finding an NA group in your area. NA saved my life and I highly recommend it, especially if you have to be tight lipped about what you're going through at home. Please keep us updated!

[How Can This Possibly Be 8 Years Later?]

Hi @AddaGirl. I remember reading this post when you first submitted it and just wanted to let you know that it really resonated with me. I hope we can all send you some supportive vibes that will be useful to you in your recovery journey. 

First, you're a pretty brilliant writer. You're clearly very intelligent and have an impressive way with words, albeit the content of your post is heartbreaking. I'm not surprised that you were so professionally successful during your time working in NYC. I, too, enjoyed success that I associated with Adderall (but on a much smaller scale): College. I'm 5' 5'' and weighed 105 lbs, was a cheerleader at a Top 30 school, in the best sorority on campus, and had straight As to boot. I was sure that I was Harvard Law bound, and was absolutely intoxicated by the prospect of an esteemed career/rockin' bod. I wanted power, money, fast-paced environments and respect/admiration above all else.

Sometimes I wonder if even our male, adderall-addicted counterparts can begin to understand the "thinness" allure of adderall for ambitious women. We're fundamentally taught to associate our bodies with personal and professional success, and the benefits enjoyed by thin women are difficult to ignore, especially after experiencing them yourself. I'm 160 these days after a year clean, and looking in the mirror isn't always fun. The state of my body is the one factor above all others that tempts me to use pills.

I hope this isn't rude/overstepping, but the thing that's so striking to me about your post is how confidently and aptly you discuss your problem that's so obviously fueled by insecurity. Those two parts of yourself seem so at odds. On the one hand, you have a successful career, finances in order, are clearly well-spoken, ect., but on the other hand you feel like you need pills to be okay. You are 100 percent good enough without adderall, why do you feel otherwise? I think that's the question at the crux of all of our issues, here.

I also identify with the romanticizing bit. There was something so fast-paced and exciting about speed. I loved everything when I was on it. Doing my computer programming homework felt l was curing cancer (which you were actually doing, haha) and organizing my closet felt like the task that was going to push me toward a life of brilliance. Sometimes I still miss that high. But the thing is, it's all fake. Organizing your closet isn't going to change your life, and the excitement that adderall brings you is artificial. I'm sure you know this by now.

I just wish I could hug you and send you positive vibes. Get sober with us. I want that for you really badly, and I think you want it for yourself, too. See what happens. 

[Off adderall for 7 days but right now im craving it. What do I do]

Okay so this is a weird thing I do when I'm having trouble with one particular task, I'm not sure if it'll help you but I'll share just in case:

 

So when I was having an issue motivating myself to get started on a menial job at work (I worked in data services, so I did a lot of mindless data entry/importing/exporting) I used the "fake to-do list" approach. So if you have to do task X, make yourself a fake to-do list where task X is at the bottom. For instance: 1) go get water from the water fountain 2) check break room for any mess you might have left 3) ask your boss about the week's schedule 4) text friend about weekend plans 5) open up the program and start task X

 

even if you don't HAVE to do items 1-4, putting them in a list and acknowledging that they're mildly productive always made it easier for me to get started. Let me know if it helps! Good luck and stay strong, don't use no matter what.

[I Desperately Need Help...Please]

Breatheeeeeeeeeeeee. You're okay. I promise.

If I'm correct in guessing that the "95" at the end of your username signifies the year you were born (this is the same format I used to use for usernames and such), that makes you 22ish.

I'm 25, and your age is exactly when my addiction really started to explode into unhealthy dosages/binges.  Around 22, I really started noticing the toll adderall was taking on my relationships and performance in life. And you know what? I'm fine now. My body is fine, my mind is fine, and I'm not broken. You haven't done any permanent damage to yourself. Not yet.

So for right now, relax. The speed has a hold of your thought process, and probably will continue to for the next few days. That's okay. Just focus on eating chips, watching netflix, and letting your brain flush the toxic shit out. I've been through this process dozens of times (and I'm guessing you have too). It's going to be alright.

Now.

You and I both know you need to quit. It's time to stop putting yourself through this. The freedom on the other side of this nasty addiction is fucking wonderful. It's tough to get to, but once you're here I promise it'll all feel worth it. You have to make the decision to never use adderall again. Tell your friends and family about this decision. You never, ever, ever have to take a pill again. Not if you don't want to.

Welcome. You're in the right place and we already love you!

[Just Got Dumped]

Hey everyone. I've been clean from adderall for 1 year now (woo) and sober from alcohol for 11 months. This should be a happy time and an upbeat/celebratory post, but I'm struggling. My boyfriend of three years just ended things last night.

Ultimately, I'm not sure if he could get past all the things I put him through when I was using. I know I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I'm just beyond devastated right now. I really thought he was the one and I'm still so in love with him. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want it to impact my recovery, but fuck. I've never hurt this bad.

 

[Adderall caused thyroid/adrenal issues?]

@Kimber I'm two weeks shy of 1 year and I've noticed massive improvements in how my body feels in the past month. In order to psychologically get off the pills, I spent a lot of time netflixing, eating bad food, ect. I needed that down time to make quitting not overwhelming. Now that I've adjusted a little more, I'm eating better, going on walks, ect. My skin looks younger, my teeth are whiter, my body feels healthier. At 6 months I was wondering if I'd ever feel better again. Wait it out, I promise it improves!

[Where is everyone from?]

Northern Virginia/Washington DC

[Medical Anxiety/Chest Pain after a Year Clean]

Thanks for the reply Duffman! Yeah, I've struggled with hypochondria/anxiety/ocd tendencies my whole life, it's really just a part of my personality that adderall exacerbated exponentially. I've seen a lot of improvement this past year but I still have a ways to go in terms of completely normalizing that part of myself. I think all of us here tend to have very "particular" personality types that likely lended themselves well to the allure of perfectionism that adderall initially promised. 

I went to the doctor yesterday and just flat out told her my physical symptoms, nothing about my anxiety/adderall abuse at first. She diagnosed me in 3 minutes. I have a pulled muscle in my chest (hence the pain while breathing in). No lung problems, no heart problems, just a pulled muscle. Advil should do the trick. It made me feel so silly for all the worrying I had done. But I'm just trying to be patient with myself... hopefully the anxiety will subside eventually. I really need to start looking into meditation techniques, I think that'd help me a lot.

[Medical Anxiety/Chest Pain after a Year Clean]

Yea, sorry for the anxiety spiral everyone. I made that post after spending a lot of anxious time in my own head. Feeling a lot more calm now.

[Medical Anxiety/Chest Pain after a Year Clean]

Hey everyone. I'm coming up on a year clean and still really paranoid about the stress I put my body through during addiction. I had a really bad virus/cold a few weeks ago, and now (three weeks later), I'm still experiencing INTENSE chest pain every time I breath even semi-deep. Even though I'm only 25, I was a chain smoker on Adderall (and even for a while after I quit), and I have a lot of anxiety. What if the pain is being caused by lung cancer? Or worse, heart damage?

I made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow, and I'm struggling with how to handle it. She was the one who prescribed me the adderall for 7 years, and I never told her about my abuse. I just ghosted her and haven't seen her since I quit. So, I know I have to come clean to her about the addiction/abuse. That's going to happen no matter what. She'll likely feel personally betrayed because we (used to) have a close relationship, but if I'm going to continue to see her for medical advice she needs to know. That being said, I have a few options for how to handle the rest of tomorrow's appointment:

1) I could tell her that I'm experiencing the chest pain, leave it at that, and see what her medical opinion is for how to proceed.

OR, 2) I can tell her that I spend way too much time worrying about my health because of my drug abuse. That the anxiety is messing with my every day life. That to quell my worries, I want an EKG and a chest x-ray.

I just can't stand being this paranoid about my health. Is asking her for these things just indulging irrational fears that I should try to calm on my own without the help of physicians? Or is it worth it to push for the tests that will put my mind at ease?

Could really use some advice. Thanks everyone.

Edit: I have great insurance, so cost isn't really an issue here. I just don't want to be ridiculous and was wondering if anyone had any experience with this.

[My Best Shot at an Honest Life]

I feel as though this post deserves a reply I am not capable of giving at the moment, but for now I'll say this: This is the most beautifully written, soul-touching mini-memoir I've ever read on this site. You are an extraordinarily talented writer. Your words give me so much clear insight as to your spiritual condition and my heart breaks for you. You can absolutely do this. Please stick around and let us be a part of your journey. I'll write more to you when I can do your feelings justice! Be well, friend.

[Snorting ~150mg Adderall every day that I can]

Hey -- DoctorRock, no one is trying to undermine your progress. The reason we're all here is our mutual goal of nixing adderall, and you've reached that goal! That's great! We support you in that. It's not an easy thing to do. I think your story is really amazing and I'm so happy that you've found peace and personal progress out of the darkness you discussed in your posts. By virtue of you being here, we hope you support us in our abstinence also, regardless of how we achieved it.

We all do it in different ways. The truth is, there's no "one way" to get off of drugs. You talk about psychology a lot, so you should know that this is 101. Differing neurochemistry means that different approaches work for different people. This is the foundation for all medical diagnosis guidelines, cognitive behavioral therapy, research endeavors, ect.  We convene here to discuss our struggles.

So this hyper-evangelical "all you have to do is train your mind!"/Tony Robins bit can come across as a little condescending for those of us who followed different paths or are experiencing hardship. No one's saying not to do what works for you, it's great that you're feeling so well! There's a lot of validity in what you're saying and your approach to addressing addiction psychologically is very wise. I think your mistake, though, is thinking that *everyone* would benefit from the same thoughts if only they invested enough effort.

I got to 11 months clean with NA. Tony Robbins didn't work for me. No offense, but I think he's a pop psychologist at best, cultist at worst. I don't doubt that he's helped some people, but tbh his videos make me cringe and think "how in the hell does anyone buy this bs". I prefer sitting in a room with people with shared experiences and talking about what's bothering us. I get that for some people, my method seems totally depressing/redundant. For a lot of people, NA is complete BS for those who need religion/a boogyman to solve all their problems. But it's what works for me. If Tony works for you, you shouldn't feel the need to defend him to everyone. Just accept that he's your cup of tea but not everyone's. It's what I do with NA and what stealth does with his keto diet. The point is, find whatever floats your boat. It sounds like you have. Congrats!

I think we're just hoping that everyone on this board will be respectful of everyone else's journey. We're not stupid just because we didn't do it the way you did, and you're not stupid for following your path. As long as we're all clean, we're equal. Congrats again, hope this clears a few things up for you.

[Do you drink off Adderall?]

Good question, I often wonder the same thing. When I first quit adderall I still drank. I didn't even think twice about a glass of wine at dinner now and then because I never had an issue with booze. However, after a few weeks off the pills when my cravings got more intense I started getting serious about my NA program. NA literature is very clear: "alcohol is a drug" and addicts need to nix all drugs to recover, or else we run the risk of substituting one for the other. The more I thought about it, the more I agreed. I quit drinking a month after I quit adderall and don't regret it at all (though I'm not 100 percent sure it was necessary to recover from amphetamine addiction).

If I'm honest with myself, I think the real reason I quit drinking was to feel a sense of belonging in NA. And it has been absolutely worth it. I was so isolated before... like, epically lonely. And I really needed to focus on my recovery. If quitting drinking meant I got to solve both of those problems at once ,then so be it. Wine doesn't mean more to me than emotional sanity, yknow? The relationships I have in NA and the spiritual progress I've made are HUGE pros that outwiegh the cons of teetotaling!

Could I have found a way to happiness that didn't include NA and quitting drinking? Probably. But I was out of time, was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and just picked an available method I thought would work for me instead of waiting for the "perfect formula" to come around. I don't regret it a bit.

Curious to hear other perspectives!

[Night terrors]

Wishing you the best Sean, it's awesome that you're putting your health first now and taking care of yourself!

[Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)]

Hey Speeder - just to be frank with you: this is gonna get worse before it gets better. In about two weeks, you're going to feel so full of lethargy that your mind is gonna start playing tricks on you. You'll remember your Psych's suggestion about ritalin and you'll start thinking to yourself "hmmm maybe he's right, maybe that would work." Don't let it win. Be clear with him upfront that you're not interested in taking any stimulants, ever, period, point blank. They all lead down the same miserable road for addicts, and you've continuously proven you are one.

As far as the prozac is concerned, they put me on it for a month or two back in my using days. It's definitely the most "up" SSRI. Won't immediately put you to sleep like zoloft will, but it will tucker you out. So be prepared for some foggyness. I've personally been on the 0 pharmaceutical train ever since I quit adderall (I think it's the most direct road to sanity, and especially worth trying for us younger folks), but antidepressants have helped a lot of people here so do what feels right for your body. Just don't take something you aren't sure you need.

Best of luck, bud. Congrats - you made a huge step. Stay strong and don't fuck it up.

Cheerio