sirod9

Thank you for sharing this! knowing that it is "normal" to still feel this way around the 1 mark, and things will improve really helps, more than you know.

Thank you for sharing your story. I really enjoyed the way it is written, you seem to be talented in that department. my writing is all over the place! I can understand the dread, especially the bad dreams/intrusive thoughts. and the "all brain, no bod" lol. Totes get that. I've been meditating more lately, learning how to sit in my body instead of thinking, thinking, thinking. it helps, but it is sometimes scary to be made aware of my mental state :| Anyways, I hope you remain sober, to allow yourself time to really heal. I feel like we assume 1 year will be when everything is peachy and we are healed, but it took years to get to this point. so it will take a while to heal. now, we need to re-learn how to integrate bad moods, low moods. for so long, I controlled how I felt with pills. Now, I have to learn how to "ride the wave." I feel better today, but I know that at any point, I can feel dread again - and it is easier when I just accept that and do my best. another good day is just around the corner

I like you username, btw.

Hi RisingPhoenix - Thank you! it is so hard. let's make a pact - to keep going and reassess at the 2 year mark, which seems to be enough time for our brains to heal. Relapse is not a good idea, but I totally understand. Let's play the tape through. Where will we be a year from now if relapse vs. where will you be if you remain sober.

August 1st will be my 1 year off of adderall date. I guess I have this belief that I will be magically better once I hit a year. But to be honest, I am struggling pretty badly. I'm depressed, I can't stand my job, I'm having relationship issues (not sure if this will last), I feel tired, cognitive issues, no creativity or motivation to do anything, did I mention work is painful, ugh. I guess I'm experiencing PAWS...STILL. But it seems to be lasting a while. I'm even having trouble typing this out. Its frustrating! Maybe this is my normal. I just need to accept that I will occasionally be "out of service" for a bit. Maybe I need to chill out and ride the wave. I am experiencing cravings, but not to the point of wanting to actually take adderall. it is just lingering in the back of my mind. Sorry if this does not make sense. I am just a pile of discomfort right now. Any encouragement from those who have recovered long term would be greatly appreciated.

Hi duffman (cool user name, btw). Good work on quitting such a high dose. Tomorrow marks 11 months off of 90-200 mgs of adderall for me. I have only experienced intermittent insomnia, and my last "bout" I began taking L-Theanine (200 mg) every night. I used to only take melatonin, but it seemed to make matters worse some nights. The L-Theanine actually works for me, and I don't take melatonin every night any longer. However, everyone is different. You MAY be a night owl, or your brain is used to staying up at night. when I was using, I still went to sleep at night, and awoke in the a.m. (I'm naturally a morning lark :). anyways, it would not hurt to try L-Theanine, so I would give it a try with an open mind. Again, good job on your quit!

Things have improved much since this post. I'm at almost 10 months, and I am able to "get in the mood' with my partner. Things were hairy at 4 months :| - I remember being so worried, because he was worried. One think I did, instead of getting in my head when we were kissing and cuddling, I would feel the sensation in my body and go with it. that helped a lot. I'm lucky to have a really loving partner that I can trust. If I was single, I would not care to have a libido!

GeorgiaRigby - I'm on 9 months, and while I know I will experience more PAWS in the future, I feel like I've hit a new level of healing. IT GETS BETTER. this month has been noticeably better. My energy level, happiness level, all of it. I can't say I am out of the woods, but each period of restoration gives me strength to go through the periods of recovery (PAWS). Keep that in mind when you are at your worst. It is just a slow passing cloud and your body is healing. It feels awful and is not optimal, but it will pass!

Keep going, because we need more support for the community! I quit and relapsed so many times, and I have to say we all seem to experience a lot of the same behaviors we exhibited during our abuse. So we can understand!

I will too! The longer I stay clean, the more confident I feel in sharing. Hopefully most of the members fully recovered.

Over the 6 years I used adderall, I had created 3 other accounts for posting. I can't recall why, but I did. So I decided to search down old content I shared under my old screen names (Maisy, BeBack17, and Geometric). It is amusing mostly. sad at the time. but funny now. Actually, I've been thinking about this, and I really miss the forum community during those years. I was not in a place to appreciate the level of engagement and content this forum offered back then, but I certainly would love it now. There were a ton of 1+ clean folks who were super responsive. I miss those guys. I find myself just wanting to talk, vent, give and get support. It seems things are more quiet these days.

hi there - I am 8.5 months clean, so I am new in my recovery, but below are my "gains/losses" from quitting so far. Gained: peace of mind self respect/deeper love of myself ability to attend ayahuasca ceremonies (I could not do this when taking adderall) ability to work on myself and grow as a person sounder sleep was able to save my relationship my sanity I'm a lot better with managing my money was promoted at work 15 pounds, lol Losses: the ability to numb my emotions ability to escape into the void not sure what else The false sense of control The ability to completely become engulfed in work. though I wasted a TON of time on trivial things and towards the end, my use was ruining my focus. I literally almost quit my job. I very well paying, good job. housecleaning (I pay someone to do that now) Honestly, most of what I lost were illusions anyway.

Thank you!! Hearing from others who have gone through this process completely is the most helpful thing. It keeps me going knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

hello everyone - I'm at 8 1/2 months, and still going strong. it is hard, PAWS is still a thing, and I'm finding myself wondering if I really do have ADHD. Even though I was diagnosed in the past, I have never had what I would consider proper testing to come to a final diagnosis. Even if I were to get a final diagnosis, I would have to continue to go unmedicated. because I honestly can't do that drug without abusing it. Anyways, I was dong great for over a month, then over a week ago, I was hit with a terrible bout of PAWS (at least that is what I believe it is). there is no other explanation. Fatigue, brain fog, depression, anhedonia, increased hunger. I was doing so well for a good period of time, that I became a bit too confident that I was "out of the woods." The worst symptoms have somewhat passed, but the brain fog persists. The positive side of PAWS is: I don't crave adderall. Oddly, I crave adderall more when I'm feeling good. Not intense cravings, just a low level desire to do drugs (if that makes any sense). When I am experiencing PAWS symptoms, I am well aware of the damage adderall does, so the cravings disappear. On top of it, my relationship suffers at times. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, but my occasional inattentiveness hurts him. He says it is as if I am there, but stuck in my head or elsewhere. I know I sometimes interrupt him when he is speaking. and I go off on "tangents." taking up a storm about all sorts of odd subjects. and yes, my mind tends to wonder about all of the time. It takes much focus and energy to just be present with him. which I am working on and succeed at sometimes. he just doesn't understand what is going on with me, so he sometimes feels like I am bothered or annoyed by him. which is NOT the case. I love him very much and am willing to work on my stuff, but I guess he will have to accept the fact that I will sometimes just be "spacey." Work: work is good, I am not going "above and beyond" by any means, but I am putting in effort. it is a steady job and I have been there for over 8 years so I have a good relationship with everyone. I am good enough at what I do that I can do okay even during PAWS. Weight: I've been working towards losing some weight, and have lost 3 pounds. I feel okay in that area. I only gained about 15 pounds, but that last 5 tipped me over. Okay, that is my update. If any old timers read this - if you have any advice, or hope stemming from personal experience in quitting, PLEASE SHARE Positive reinforcement helps so much!

Actually, I remember trying to find a "timed" lock box for my prescription towards the end of my use. It is like this drug causes a lot of common thought patterns in users. Ugh, I know exactly where you are and how hopeless it feels...but it is NOT hopeless. you just have to choose yourself.

Yeah - I have been exactly where you are numerous times and I can tell you this - All of your fear surrounding quitting, and what you will "Lose" from quitting - you have already lost it. It is all an illusion, and really a nightmare. Everything you have is built on fake grounds fueled by amphetamines'. You don't even know what you want. Your job, your weight, your boyfriend, all of it - Not you. You have to allow that to dissolve into the abyss of withdrawal - let it dissolve, so you can build your life back up and realize who you really are - which is FAR cooler then who you think you are now. But it takes quitting, and surrender. If you have parents and family that will help, I suggest going home. If you are able to go to rehab, do it. You have your whole life ahead of you. Take your time. do something FOR YOURSELF for once. Research amphetamine withdrawal, and buckle up. Give your brain and body permission to heal and go through the process. that act of self love will pay dividends later. Good luck to you!

You're welcome! I'm glad you are trying the supplements, they really have been helping me. At first, not as much. but I just told myself that the post acute withdrawal I experienced during months 1-6 was my brain healing and it was necessary for my recovery. This helped me accept my funky disposition. I'm at 6 1/2 months now and my PAWS days last 24 hours, instead of a whole week. and they are few and far between. I started taking the coryceps at 6 months, so I believe those help tremendously. I'm cautiously optimistic though. I know that I still have more healing to do, but it is nice to enjoy some time feeling good again. Work is so much easier too! I'm telling you this because there is hope, things get better, DUMP YOUR DOC! lol. I still crave adderall sometimes, but instead of running from the cravings, I'm trying to explore my cravings. Like "what would happen if I followed this craving and relapsed." running through my mind the way I felt when I was laying in bed, still high on adderall. How miserable it was to be a prisoner of my own mind, how cut off I was from my emotions. It is not worth it at all! Keep going, it gets so much better. Congrats on quitting adderall.

Great job quitting! I too, get annoyed with my job sometimes. I'm pretty lucky in that I'm okay at what I do and work with great people. It is just the sitting in front of the computer all day that kills me. Lots of walking breaks and other breaks. I am ready to continue enduring difficult days, however, I will recommend you try a supplement called "Cordyceps." Look it up. The brand I use is called "Om" - I also take LIon's Mane. The difference in teh way I feel compared to not taking them is night and day. very helpful!

hello everyone! today is my six month mark. Things are going well. 4-5 months was horrendous and the PAWS was intense. I'm sure I have more rounds of PAWS coming up, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying feeling good again. Don't give up! there were weeks/days that I felt absolutely defeated, and I'm so glad that I cut my doctor off, because if I had used, I would not experience the peace of mind I have now on good days. I've found some supplements that help with my mood and well being, specifically, Cordyceps and Lions mane. I also take a calcium, magnesium, zinc liquid supplement, vitamin D. and vitamin C. I'm cautiously optimistic that I have passed through the most difficult period. but I'm also fully aware that I am not out of the woods yet. I feel like 6 months ago, when I flushed my bottle of adderall, I was doing a huge solid for my future self, who I am now. i cannot imagine how miserable I would be today if I continued taking adderall. Life would look very different. But who knows, I may be on here next week sharing about how I feel like I'm withdrawing again. I guess it is about cruising through the ups and downs. I wish for everyone who is struggling right now to have the rising strength and self love to quit this drug, cut off the source, and cruise through the withdrawal with acceptance, knowing that it will improve and a better life is waiting on the other side. Cheers!

Don't say "fuck it," keep on trucking. Don't allow the temporary disagreement with your partner get you down, it is only temporary. step away and bring in self love practices. Keep on going!

DISCLAIMER - I'm not fishing for advice, more so support. If you have words of hope (went through this, came out the other end), or words of encouragement, please share. I just need to vent... :| Hello everyone! so far, I'm feeling better today. But yesterday was HARD. I would say one of the hardest days I have had after 5 months clean. It amazes me how some weeks, I feel like I'm "out of the woods" only to be hit by a week where I feel like I'm withdrawing all over again. I know my diet has been pretty crappy, and I sometimes drink over the weekend. But nothing outrageous. I clean it up during the week and do intermittent fasting. I even tried an IV Infusion last week, but still felt like I had just quit adderall. Yesterday was the worst. I felt lethargic. My body was extremely heavy, like bags of sand. My eyes kept randomly falling out of focus, and I was losing words left and right. The cat had my tongue! And my adderall cravings were strong. I went to sleep super early and I'm feeling better....so far. I'm just like "really!?!" I know (well, hope) that in a few years I will look back on this time and THANK MYSELF for staying strong and staying off of that drug. But I can't help but be afraid that this is the new "normal" and I just have to make the most of it. It would be so nice to get a diagnosis from a doctor - "Temporary malaise - somedays worse than others. cut her a break" so that people don't think I'm naturally like this. Then again, no one is really giving me shit, I just think they are, or are about to. Maybe I need to cut myself a break. I'm not "single" but my partner and I have been taking a lot of space. THANK GOD. because on days like yesterday, I feel so incredibly unattractive - and I'm grateful to be on my own when I feel like that. Anyways, that is my venting rant. Thank you. I hope everyone is having a good weekend

I honestly think that having access to more adderall is keeping you from quitting. I flushed my script and told my doctor's office not to prescribe to me, that I was an addict. I know without a doubt that if I had a stash, I would not have made it to 5 months.

A little over 5 Months

So, last week I experienced what I believe was the first glimmers of dopamine return, or some other balance returning in my brain. The feeling was pronounced and different, yet like returning to the comfort of home after a long trip. It lasted a few days. in that time, I cleaned my room and my living room. I took breaks, I listened to music, I laughed, I enjoyed life. I felt NORMAL. I meant, I still laugh during PAWS, but you know. I knew that it would not last, and I think that "knowing" is what is helping me deal with my PAWS this weekend. And I went back to the recovery guidelines posted on this site to remind myself that this is all normal and okay. but y'all, it felt so neat to have dopamine again. and to do things around the house with some level of ease and enjoyment.

Good job on 6 days! keep it up, it WILL get better and you will thank your self for quitting.