sirod9

hi ya'll - I'm nearing the 5 month mark. I'm going to write a list of thoughts, observations, etc. below because lists are easy It is okay to feel like crap. What kind of fucked up program got into our brain that convinced us that feeling like crap must be avoided at all costs, even the cost of our lives? I'm embracing it! feeling "down" will pass. take care of yourself. re-parent yourself. embrace it. when your mind is vilifying you for being human, flip the script. repeat to yourself, "you are okay, sweetie." "get some rest" "drink a ton of water" "isn't this great, I can rest and recharge" "I love and care about your well-being" When it gets so incredibly heavy that you can't do much, just feel it. Breath, breath into the pain and discomfort because it is a gift. your body and brain is trying to heal by stopping you and going in. drink a ton of water!!! I"m really into drinking a lot of water. it actually helps to drink a gallon a day. it is quite magical When you feel better, don't throw all your energy at anything. take it easy. learn to balance your time and energy by stopping before you are spent. it is a gift to have good days. enjoy them, but remember - the good days are made possible by the bad days - embrace that and make your bed. don't forget to drink a ton of water!!! listen to the nature of your thoughts. this is where you will find the cause of your problems. listen, observe, introduce yourself to the asshole in your head. befriend that motherfucker and tell them you love them. then flip the script. breath into yourself and remind yourself that this is a process and things will improve. you are loved, worthy and capable of healing quit comparing yourself to others, or comparing your situation to other situations. whatever is going on in your life is a gift, own it. observe it, read books (when ready) about love and about meditation, and about changing your circumstances. integrate little exercises into your day without expectation. one day at a time. embrace the good days, and stay ready and prepared for the bad days. I have noticed that I am hard wired very negatively. my thoughts, projections, etc. are very negative and unhealthy. I've been tracing them back to childhood and trying to learn how to reparent myself. it is deep, with layers. beginning this process was riddled with relapse and back sliding. eventually, making progress. it is all part of the process. may we all get to a place where we can allow our bodies and minds to be as they are and find the strength to integrate more beneficial ways of being for ourselves, our families, and our communities. May we all heal!

Thank you, DrewK15! Any encouragement helps so much!

Hi Corey - I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I've been down this road before, so I know how you feel. I would say - be honest about your relapse and try to find a group that is free. You may fall back down the rabbit hole a few times until you begin digging your way out, in the meantime, be kind to yourself. Still try to have healthy habits, like reducing your daily intake and getting plenty of sleep. After a while, you will break the cycle. I feel like we are so hard on ourselves all of the time, which does not help anything. Try to see yourself as free from this addiction. and don't be shy about telling your rehab group, that is what they are there for. I wish you luck on your journey!

I'm in it, it is really hard. Last week, I received a text from my "in between dealer." aka - the gal I bought adderall from when my prescription ran out. She texted me a menu of what she had. I deleted her number, but I knew it was her. I kindly let her know I was not taking it, but thank you. Then deleted her number. my brain started trying to convince me to get some, or romantisising. The next day, boom! PAWS. I felt like I was back in the first month of recovery. Tired, depressed, hungry. so weird. I am just riding this, I guess. I'm also going through an very hard "fork in the road" rough patch with my boyfriend. I wouldn't even say he is my boyfriend right now, it is 50/50 either this will or will not move ahead. I'm not sure. It is just hard. The damage from my adderall use, and terrible emotional state during my adderall use has pretty much laid a very damaged foundation to what could have been a very sweet, loving relationship. I'm just trying to keep myself together. Apologies for the spelling and bad writing. I am mixed up right now. I hope things get better, I know they will. This is just really HARD.

You are doing great! you aren't responsible for how he feels about it, feeling responsible for how everyone feels about everything is what caused me to return to adderall so many times. let it go, if you can. If he wants to discuss, discuss it, but try to be easy on yourself. this addiction is SO HARD. I am nearing month 5, and I'm in a depression. it is easy to think this is how I will always feel, but I know that it will get better, and it is helpful hearing from folks who are on month 1 because it helps me remember that it gets better. little by little. some weeks I feel like I backslide, but things improve. Keep up the good work, ask your husband for support. plain and simple. just say, hey, I need some help here. I hope he is strong enough to put his own stuff aside and just help. 10 Days!!! that is huge! I took this medication for 6 years, often well over 100 miligrams. Sometimes over 200 milligrams. Just trying to be easy on myself. Let's all be easy on ourselves!

You're welcome. If you ever need to chat, you are welcome to send me an IM

It DOES get better. on 4 1/5 months now. it is still hard, but nothing like Day 4. I believe days 4/5 were the worst. Keep up the work!

Thank you!

hello - I am 4 1/2 months off of adderall. I'm much better off of it, but I feel like I'm at a "4 month funk." In particular, my sex drive has lessened significantly. Has anyone experienced this? Did your sex drive return, and if so, when did it return. I guess I'm looking for words of encouragement and hope. Thank you!

I guess you just have to do it despite how you feel. that must be the lesson in all of this, its not how you feel in the moment, it is the belief in yourself to do it anyways. thank you for the reminder.

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. I was taking upwards of 200 ml a day and quit cold turkey...but that was my choice. Because I hit bottom in my addiction and made the decision to flush my remaining prescription, I was able to face my withdrawal with acceptance and self love -which made a world of difference. It sounds like your wife ran out. Unfortunately, unless she comes to a place of acceptance and chooses to quit this drug, it will be much harder. I will say this, supplements (b vitamins (the shot if you can swing it; melatonin; magnesium; high quality vitamin C; green juices -turmeric and ginger wellness shots; butt loads of water; laughter; binge watching your favorite shows; tell her she is beautiful; if she is afraid of weight gain, tell her you would love her curves and all) just love and patience and nutrition). it took 6-7 days before the darkness lifted and I could be my silly self. Of course, I was not out of the woods, but the hardest part was over. IF you can swing it financially, NAD+ IVs are super expensive, but are magically effective. but they are stupid expensive. I was only able to do it twice, but it helped me get through a particularly difficult withdrawal phase. I told my staff manager that I was struggling with prescription drug addiction and was quitting. this was so the time I was taking from work and my decreased work performance at first would be understood. I understand not everyone has a good job with good folks, but you would be surprised at how understanding your superiors are. I was working with a therapist (which helped 100%). I also accepted in my mind that I may lose my job at first. I did not, of course. but I practiced detachment for my own sanity. she needs to decide whether or not she wants to keep doing this in her life. it is a scariest choice to make, because adderall convinces you that you will lose EVERYTHING if you quit - which is its biggest lie. Just be there for her, and understand that this may be the beginning of a long process of running out/refilling/crashing/refilling again, until she decides to stop riding the snake (lol). Also, telling her prescribing doctor she has an addiction will cut out the option of being able to get it again. this has saved my own sobriety on days I feel weak. If anything, maybe the stories on this forum will give her hope. I was taking a ridiculous amount of Adderall a day. My job is not easy and I'm a single mom. I was able to get off of it cold turkey. most of all - she should not be abusive towards you. there is no excuse for that. I know that some folks can be very abusive to their partners when they are withdrawing, that is unacceptable and not an excuse for treating your partner poorly. If that is not the case, just shower her with support and love, and get yourself some support outside of your relationship, because this may be a very long, bumpy ride. and you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Good luck to you and her!

Hello! Still off of adderall. I like lists, they are easy - so here is a list of updates: I sleep 9+ hours a night, sometime 10 hours; I was promoted at work (i may have mentioned that in my last post); I'm doing well at work (surprisingly), and can keep a steady pace most of the day, most of the time; but when I get home, I am a lump on a log, then I go to sleep; I gained 15-18 pounds; I lost 3 I've begun intermittent fasting throughout the week, but on the weekends - I do what I want! within reason; My relationship is better and stronger than ever - very grateful for that; I did start craving adderall over the last week. just trying to bring that out into the open and process the cravings; I'm grateful to be off of adderall, but I'm also looking forward to having normal energy levels - or maybe I will be tired forever, idk. better than being stuck in that horrible cycle. Question to the long timers (used a lot for a long time, but have been clean for a long time): when (if ever) did your energy levels improve? Thank you for reading.

Thank you!

Today marks 1 month free from adderall. I still have a long ways to go, but I don't care. I am just grateful to be crawling out of the hole I dug myself into while taking that drug. Here is a list of things I am experiencing: My natural life force energy is increasing; Work is getting easier. I was close to quitting my job towards the end of my adderall use because I found my job unbearable (weird, huh). but now my enthusiasm is returning. I find my work easier to perform WITHOUT adderall. and I know when to ask for help, take a break; I'm a bit bloated. I've gained 10 lbs (give or take); but I am getting back into exercise and eating healthy (during the weekdays); I enjoy TRUE rest during the weekends, and there is no shame in my lazy time; I feel CALM. I can feel my nervous system relaxing. it is very peaceful; My relationship may be salvageable. I about ruined it due to my awkward, paranoid, angry adderall disposition. I love him very much and I'm hoping we can reconnect. He is really closed off, but he still loves me and is beginning to open back up. I'm no longer in a "me against him" state of mind. I'm able to be kind without worrying that I am being messed with - adderall made me isolate and think everyone was against me. This absolutely killed my relationship and was extremely toxic. I am seeing how that operated in the background causing all sorts of issues. BUT, if the relationship is not salvageable; I am okay with that. I care about myself and him enough to let it go, if needed; my dreams are WILD. lots of crazy self learning going on in that area of my life I can return to partaking in ayahuasca and have an ayahuasca weekend planned in October. I love myself enough to know that I am better without adderall. I am good enough as is and am capable of improving in any area of my life should I choose to do so I'm happy I'm excited about life again so, in case anyone is wanting to quit, but they are scared. I hope this helps. it is scary, and I was convinced that I would lose everything if I stopped taking adderall. some folks do lose everything, but they gain it back. I think seeing the forest through the trees helps when considering quitting. at this time last month i was in a lot of pain, but i knew that things would get better, and I knew it was worth it.

two weeks. I'm depressed today. Feeling extremely sad and alone and I guess just getting through it.

thank you. I think hearing others' experience of recovery is so helpful. gives me hope. honestly, towards the end of my adderall use, I was having the "word salad" effect. my memory was terrible as well. like I was so stuck in an endless loop of anxiety that I could not absorb life beyond that loop. so in short, I'm already used to word salad!

does this get easier. I am having trouble sitting still and sticking to one thought, task, topic ANYTHING. I have been off of meds for 10 days, and I am feeling rather happy, but I am all over the place

Oh boy - today is a huge improvement. Feeling much more "alive" though I am aware that I will have a bad day again. Things I am enjoying that I could not enjoy while taking adderall: taking high doses of vitamin C and eating grapefruit whenever the hell I want sleeping, like legit, dream filled sleep Eating. I ate plenty while taking adderall, but I did not enjoy half as much being "off" of work the second I am off of work. probably checking out way before my scheduled end time, but who cares watching television feeling my feelings. this is often sadness, but it feels good to feel. smiling at folks at the store, and feeling chatty. everyone was a dangerous (or annoying) stranger before. I guess I'm not as shy as I thought I was. well, sometimes That's all I can think about for now. I do miss my boyfriend, but I believe that ship is sailing Thanks for reading.

do I need medication, or do I want it? there's no free lunch when it comes to this stuff. so true!

so true about the drug vacations. I must say, there is a realness to the pain and suffering though. it gives it more weight and coming out the other end will feel more triumphant. I even broke up with my prescribing doctor. I told his assistant that I was "addicted" and needed to be placed on the do not prescribe list. I asked her to close my file and flag it as such. this was yesterday. I'm feeling better today, but I am aware that tomorrow will be a different story and I will teeter back and forth. that is true about doing it on my own. we are speaking again, and a part of my wants to just jump into being lovey dovey and getting his support. It's easy to over look the fact that I dragged him through some shit over the last year, and I'm lucky he hasn't completely written me off. Putting aside my desire for connection for caring about him as a person and wanting the best for him.

frumping it up!

Hi Molly - I've done well without it before. Actually, I believe it has done more damage than good over the last five years. I had to live a very healthy lifestyle if I wanted to be my best at work without medication. and if I wanted to stay up late or drink on the weekends, I had to be okay with not being 100% at work. But towards the end, the adderall worsened every facet of my life, so stopping was the only choice. I'm on day 5 of a very painful process, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. that is the only thing I'm holding onto. I'm sorry you are already experiencing some of the dark facets of this drug, though that may be a blessing in disguise. I've never been married, but I did lose a relationship that was very important to me and I believe my adderall use mostly contributed to it. It created so much suspicion in my mind that I often was unsure if I could trust him. I've isolated from my friends and family towards the end and that is just not like me. anyways, I'm not your doctor, but those guys tend to shoot at the hip with this powerful drug. I can only say that from my experience, the increased productivity, or illusion of increased productivity was not worth it. I was more fit, happy, healthy and successful before i started taking that crap. I hope this helps you.

this is hard. harder than the 2 week break I took in June. I am unable to stay awake most of the time. I tried to work, but that was a mess so I called my manager and let her know that I was quitting a medication and was having withdrawal symptoms. she was extremely understanding. I'm so sad because my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, is not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. he was my best friend and a huge support in my life. I miss him so much. I guess this is me being super selfish. I ruined that relationship because I was so wacked out on adderall most of the time. Ugh! just wallowing in the affects of my causes.

my brain feels dry

ugghhhhh! this is hard. i feel like I have been incorrectly superimposed on my body. (i don't even know if that makes any sense). like it is off. something is off and it feels so uncomfortably awkward. I look stupid. my face is swollen and I have a giant leaky zit below my eyebrow. there are sheet creases in my face and I am the embodiment of frumpy. This is SO HARD. I'm going to go be frumpy and lumpy on the treadmill.