Hopefulily

Congrats on 31 days!!!! I am on day 10 today and I feel like the most important thing for me is healthy eating. I have to treat my body like a real human I guess. Over the past ten days I have realized that if I eat poorly my day will suck and the next day too bc it is so easy to make it a pattern. But if I start the day with lots of water and a green smoothie it is so much better. I am not going to lie- it is kind of annoying I can't eat with reckless abandon like on adderall but is also helping me feel more in tune with my body. Exercise, super clean eating and sleep seem to be the most important things for me so far. Keep up the impressive work!!!!

Also, I meant to respond about how the depression experience of coming off of stimulants is different from clinical depression. Thank you for pointing that out. That is helpful to think and journal about. That makes sense as adderall has for so long manufactured dopamine in my brain and now my brain has to get it from natural sources like exercise. I know for me the more I understand exactly what is happening to my brain and body the better. I am currently reading amphetamine debate although I only get through a few pages at a time...

Also, big congrats on day 14!!!!!!!

Thank you for posting your story! I have read it and will continue to re-read it as I think this is the way I am going to step down as well.

Thank you for taking the time to respond! I really appreciate your thoughts and have journalled about them. I should have made it more clear- I started wellbutrin with 100mg of SR. Then after a week I went up to 200. However I could not sleep from even the first day of taking it. I had what seemed like a weird comedown when I only took the SR once per day but then if I took it twice per day I couldn't sleep. I then switched over to try taking 150 xr. I could not sleep even from the first day so I took half. Even with half I just feel strange. I am so glad Wellbutrin worked for others on this forum. This is an inspiring group of people who I will forever be grateful for sharing their stories as corny as that sounds. I can definitely see why wellbutrin is successful however I just don't think it is for me. Yes, I think it will be very beneficial to see an integrative care specialist as the more I read about the medication I am prescribed for my hypothyroid the more I believe that could be playing a role in the exacerbated adhd symptoms I am struggling with. Side note about pharma companies and doctors- my GP will only prescribe synthetic versions of thyroid medication not natural. So I have been researching different ways to cure my hypothyroid struggles and diet is one of them - giving up dairy and gluten seem to free some people of thyroid issues. I have read on this forum that some people have given those two foods up when quitting adderall as well and have found that approach helpful. My husband and I are going to try a 90 day dairy and gluten free diet starting Monday. We are going to prep for it this weekend. Funny you mention planning bc I had never thought to do that in this process really. However, I guess I should approach it the same way I am approaching my diet rehaul. I often forget about how important planning is... My husband is very supportive and has for the most part taken over the childcare and cleaning duties when he is home from work. I loathe feeling lazy though and try to help as much as possible. I do completely understand why cold turkey works and did that for my pregnancies. My 3rd pregnancy I unfortunately took smaller doses of adderall to combat falling asleep while trying to take care of my other two daughters. I will spend my life regretting that. I am going to start focusing on sleep, no downers including alcohol during my 90 days. It makes me feel worse anyway and I have come to the point where drinking just doesn't feel good. I have done a lot of reading and journalling to get to that point and now I hardly ever drink or even want to. I am working on that with adderall as well. I am going to stick to 20mgs and work my way down again through a schedule to be done by my 35th birthday in two months. If I continue to slip then cold turkey it will be on my 35th birthday. Thanks for the support and input. I know I will get there just might be on a different, longer path.

Still working towards that one week mark. How are you doing @DelaneyJuliette? I think about you and hope you are continuing to do so well!!

Hi everyone, I have been reading past posts about Wellbutrin. I tried going from 20mgs of adderall to cold turkey again and am having a lot of trouble with it. I have no motivation and cannot take care of my 3 toddlers. I know imy mindset and the final step that I need to complete (this time last January I had a panic attack from taking 120mgs plus per day which I have weaned down from), however I am struggling big time to think how to even get my girls out of the door to school or even a walk on non-school days. I have hypothyroidism and cannot take L-tyrosine or so it says on the bottle bc it will interfere with my synthroid. I also struggle with being able to drink caffeine-it makes me very cranky. I am waiting for an integrative care apt in March to help me with my hypothyroidism, adderall abuse and various issues so plan to ask a doctor about the l-tyrosine specifics then. I tried wellbutrin but was having horrible insomnia. Even from day 1 which is strange as they say it takes weeks to start working. I unfortunately am in the camp of those adderallics that then get addicted to downers - xanax, klonopin and ambien. I threw those pills out two weeks ago and will never ask for a refill. I have realized they affect my memory, body, etc. I replaced them with 15mgs of cbd oil for now but that did not help with the wellbutrin insomnia. To me, Wellbutrin reminds me of vyvanse but maybe I haven't given it enough of a chance? I originally tried 200mgs Wellbutrin SR. I thought taking it twice per day was the insomnia issue. I then asked my doctor for the extended release thinking that would be better but it wasn't. It did make me feel less depressed and motivated to do things but also not able to stop and meditate, drink water etc. I thought that was very strange and also not good for the recovery process from quitting adderall. I continue to fail to make it past 4 days without going back to the remaining adderall supply I have. I have thrown it out before but don't want to be a total wasteland and have my daughters see me as this uncaring, absent mother. When I was younger I look back and sometimes wish my mom had almost taken a little bit of adderall to pay more attention to me but maybe that was because she was grieving over the death of my youngest sister. I know a part of this quitting process is to figure out how we got here in the first place which I am working on in my journal. What is the strangest about all of this is I feel like you would meet me and never know I was addicted to all of these pills. I put a very good front up and pretend to be happy, have it decently together as a mom. I love being a stay at home mom but use adderall to get through cleaning and doing household chores which I hate. I would get lost in lalaland and play with my kids all day but forget to make dinner, make sure everyone had clean clothes, etc. I am trying to educate myself about the positives of adhd, why adderall is so bad for me (I know many of the reasons but am learning more and more each day and getting to the point of hating having to take it) and how to deal with my adhd with meditation, working out, eating clean and self-love/acceptance. However all of that isn't moving as fast as I would like because I am still on this soul-sucking drug. My lame excuse is the mommy's little helper basically. Maybe I should continue my step down method? However I have stepped back up to 30mgs some days which is a huge red flag, I know. Maybe I should let my body normalize after giving up all of the downers and then finish my wean down and see if I need wellbutrin? But then how do I deal with the massive depression wave that comes from not taking adderall all day? I do think I might have mixed some days taking wellbutrin and adderall. Maybe I will go back to just taking wellbutrin but I also felt it made me not want to workout/move my body but that could also be from the adderall withdrawal? If anyone is still reading and has some advice I would greatly appreciate it! I am struggling. I am doing my best to continue to move forward to quitting adderall. I know it would make life so much better and I love envisioning my future self writing to you all about a sober life. I know it doesn't come for free and there is a lot of self-work that needs to be done so I can feel good about getting to that place.

I need to remember this. One day at a time. I’m so glad you posted about replacing it with exercise no matter what. My husband is watching my girls so I can do a 30 min workout video and have 15 minutes to come here for support, inspiration and reminders. Im definitely feeling a little crazy with all of this but continuing to work through it will hopefully make me less so. What day are you on? @DelaneyJuliette

SAME!!!

Thank you so much @DrewK15 I have been talking with my husband about it over the past year to be honest but tonight we set a plan that I will only cook dinner once a week, he will do one night and all nighttime housework and he has been amazing these past few weeks as I have been trying to go cold turkey. He sometimes gets tired and irritated but I don't blame him. Discussing the dinner conversation and how much it was helpful and I attribute it to your reminder that I really need to get him on board all of the way. I am sad to report I have taken a few 5mgs the past few days. However, considering I was at 120mgs this time last year and have been working my way down I don't want to beat myself up too much about it. I want to focus on the positivity because that will help me move forward I think and this is a hell of a process. I thought I could go cold turkey but I just can't. It is too much of a shock to my system with insane insomnia and then I feel like I can't tae care of my girls. I went to an NA meeting today with my aunt to celebrate her one year of sobriety. I had never been to an NA meeting but it was powerful and very different from what I expected. I spoke and commended my aunt as I have pretty intense addicts on both sides of my family. I admitted I am addicted to adderall and basically whatever pill I can get my hands on. It felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to see normal looking people I would see at a restaurant in a Sunday morning meeting talking about addiction, life struggles but the importance of their community and each other. They really lifted each other up. However, I do not think it is for me. I am very thankful to have this forum and it made me realize the importance of this site. I can't hide if I have messed up and stay off of the forums just because I still have a few pills left just in case I couldn't handle the cold turkey. I know a lot of advice on this site is to let ourselves rest and binge netflix however as a mom of 3 toddlers I don't really have the ability to do that. Once they are in school I will, but until then the process I think would be too overwhelming for me to not have that downtime. I try and put on a movie for them and they just come find me. But that's ok. And as my lovely internet and fellow mama @DelaneyJuliettesaid I need to be easy on myself and know that it is a process. I did also meet with an addiction counselor as well but that also seemed to be a little off as he said he could sense I had bad add (I told him I worry about my driving and making sure all 3 of my kids are safe with remembering to keep a watchful eye) and that if I take my medication as prescribed it is not substance abuse. That is not my goal. My goal is to get off of adderall. I want to get off of adderall for the following reasons and many more: 1. Tonight putting my girls to bed without adderall I really enjoyed it and drank them in. It wasn't a check on my adderall-fueled daily list of things to do. It was almost beautiful and I want to experience pure joy and beauty in life with them. I don't want to waste time with them. I also don't want something to happen like if one has to go to the hospital and I have to say oh wait let me pop a pill so I can tie my shoes and get you there. Hell not that is not how I want to live my life. I want to dance and enjoy life with them as the old me. So what if I can't keep them on the exact perfect schedule and be the perfect mom. I will show them what life is truly like-simple and beautiful and sad and good days and bad days and fun and laughter in between. 2. My husband. He is incredible and we used to have such a sweet love before I got caught up in the adderall-fueled obsession with perfection and taking more, doing more. I read in someone's post on this site that adderall keeps you from feeling lonely. You don't need love on adderall. I have realized this is true for me. My husband is so sweet and does everything I have ever asked. Except kick his twitter and nicorette habits I am a stay at home mom and he works and then comes home to help me with the girls, does the dishes, puts them to bed, folds laundry and then gets attitude from his adderallic wife who would rather clean the dust mites than talk to him let alone have sex. He just wants me to sit down with him and talk or snuggle or watch a show together. I have been doing more of this and we have such a sweet love. It's honestly the kind I have always dreamed of for the most part. I don't want to ruin it with a stupid blue and or orange pill. 3. My body aches. I started one of the books recommended on this site about the history of amphetamines and what it actually does to our bodies. Holy shit I have been so clueless about all of this. I took this medication so blindly and am learning about how horrible it is for our bodies. This is helping my desire to quit. The more I learn the more I want to quit. 4. My relationships. I obsess over other people and what they are doing wrong. Everyone else is wrong when I take it. 5. My weird obsessions that have developed with adderall. I obsess over having extremely blonde hair. 6. I hate myself and think I am so ugly when I take adderall. I used to think I was beautiful. Sure I've always wanted a cuter, smaller nose. When I take that pill I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. It's weird. I used to associate beauty with what is on the inside but now I just pick my skin and have ruined my once nice skin. I do not want that for myself or to be that sort of example to my girls. 7. I am one of those weirdos who is now gaining weight on it. When I take it it stresses me out so much that I either binge eat sugar or do when I am coming off of it. 8. I want to get in actual shape. Adderall stops that. @DelaneyJuliettegood to see your working out actually helps. I too thought I am one of those people working out doesn't apply to. I just listened to this which was incredibly helpful: https://www.tracyotsuka.com/podcasts/ Episode 157is about how exercise has better long term benefits for the brain to treat adhd than medication. I am so naive and knew this but also didn't. There are so many other reasons but I am committed to continue this process, weaning down and figuring out how to rebuild myself without this. There is so much more I want to share and write but I also feel a little silly for oversharing. Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out to then face it. Adderall helps me hide from dealing with everything in life. I want to change that and am committed to continuing. If you are still reading this (don't blame if you aren't one bit lol) and have been sober from adderall for big milestones-is the feeling of the milestone enough or did you use NA or some sort of program to get that chip and see the accomplishment vs feeling it? Or does that even matter? Seeing my aunt get her one year sobriety at NA today made me so damn proud but also I want that chip. I want that accomplishment. But is it that or do I just want to be able to have something visible to work towards or is it that knowing it and saying it on this forum is enough? Maybe I should get to 30 days before I think about stuff like that. Ok now I am rambling. Off to watch and enjoy a show with my husband thanks to an adderall free day today. Hope everyone is having a relaxing Sunday night. Thankful for everyone here and thank you for accepting me as I try to work through this <3

Thank you for taking the time to read my previous posts. It really means a lot and brought me to tears how supportive this site is. And for you to take your time to help me specifically, thank you thank you. Thank you also for your encouragement, "tough love" and advice. The challenge to courageously change the things I can I wrote in my journal to remember this. I have worked with therapists in the past to try to move forward and none have hit it home like that statement. I do think adderall also exacerbates my anxiety around the feeling of thinking my family's safety and happiness is on my shoulders. I have so many reasons I want to quit and will write them on here tomorrow. I have been writing them in my journal for months and might be a helpful exercise to gather them in one place.

Today is day 1 again. I can't stop reading the success stories. The longest I've gone in years is 4 days. I want to do 30 days, 60 days, a year, 4 years and be free from this addiction! Reading the success stories even when someone is at 21 days or 5 months is incredible!!! If I have the urge to take it I will come on this amazing site and be honest. Day 1 for the rest of my life starts today!

This is AMAZING to read!!! Congrats on 5 months Sirod and 21 days @DelaneyJuliette!!!! This is truly inspiring! Why can't I get past only 4 days until I go back to just a little bit to get me through or get a script refill after throwing my adderall out.

@DelaneyJuliettei love and am so impressed by your mentality!! Keep it up!!! It’s so inspiring.

I gave up on day 5. I could blame it on Christmas and wrapping presents until 2am the two nights before Christmas or my husbands back going out and me “needing” to have adderall to take care of my kids. I emailed my doctor and got another script and here we go again. Day 4 is the longest I’ve made it in probably two years. I had a pretty good day 4- I was belly laughing and being kind to my husband and kids but not productive. I absolutely hate cleaning and the life of a stay at home mom to 3 toddlers is like being a janitor. On day 4 I felt like I had a ton of energy but I just didn’t know how to focus it and felt like a huge failure. I’m remembering I am hyperactive and have to exercise to be able to focus. I know I don’t know why I berate myself all. Day. Long. My therapist told me how I treat myself is how my daughters will learn to treat themselves so I realllly need to work on speaking to myself like a friend. I feel like I used to like myself and possibly even love myself. Not true now. I was looking back at the old forums and reading how people look at others not on adderall and are jealous bc they have built a life one act of willpower following another. I have been looking at programs like 75hard or something to improve my mental stamina and to channel my crazy adhd energy starting January 1 I want to get it together why don’t I just do it?!! I need to come on here everyday. Like 5 times per day to get back to day 1. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliettethat you are just moving on and focusing on the positives of 6 days! Geez it’s embarrassing I can’t get there. I keep telling myself well I will not take it again when my girls go back to school etc. there will never be a good time to do it. I know that and yet I still have reached for my refilled script 20 mgs for the past few days ugh.

I agree @DelaneyJuliettethank you @sirod9foe the reminder!!! Thank you for posting this. Congrats on 5 months!!! And Delaney congrats on 6 days!

@GeorgiaRigbygo easy on yourself! This is quite the process and it’s hard bc a little slip can ruin the day count. I kind of like how Dax shepherd still allows himself 16 years of sobriety even when he messed it up for a bit. To me, you seem like you have a spark inside of you! A beautiful soul from what I can tell! The fact that you shared that inspiring, grounded book but more than that. Your friendliness, vulnerability. You need to allow yourself to be human- we all have days where our brain is mush. You are in the arena as the famous teddy Roosevelt quote says. Cheesy but brene brown quotes it in her book and she’s fantastic in my opinion. Have you looked in to her? That book you posted and the author looks so wonderful! I put that in my cart to look into. Although I have so many quarter read books on my nightstand! Question- have you ever had your thyroid checked? That can lead to the feeling of mush. I dragggged before realizing I had to see my doctor and he said he doubted it was my thyroid but turned out dr Google actually led me in the right direction for once lol. Just a thought! take care of yourself and seriously don’t be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a crazy time of year too. This is hard as hell. And a crazy time in the pandemic and now the holidays to be doing it. I’m not giving us excuses. I’m on day 3 and drank wayyy too much coffee today and am dreading tomorrow without my “medication”/speed. I was scrounging around today desperately trying to find some so I would totally have taken it if I had found it. I don’t want to go to rehab and it’s strange bc it’s a prescription but I know i have to do this. I feel very much like a drug seeker and addict though. So I’m right there with us in full fledged honesty. Maybe we could set a goal where like every month we try to have less days than more days and then once we achieve that we keep going down and down and work through it like that? A whole year or I guess a lifetime is daunting! It’s what I want but then my mind starts to play tricks like is it actually more helpful to have to get shit done? Now I’m rambling per usual. another quick thought- make a list of your whys and things you love? I have always considered myself adhd/the hyperactive kind and I feel like that kind doesn’t get nervous bc we lack some sort of self realization or something so it’s easy for us to do when we are wired to be oblivious to what others think for the most part. I totally understand that too though. I’m a stay at home mom and not much else. Lousy cook and house cleaner, wish I could muster more energy for my husband but I’m hoping maybe I’m just still languishing as that we York times article talked about. From the pandemic. keep being you- some days are wins and count the wins! Others aren’t so you don’t have to count those right?! For what it’s worth I love reading your posts and chatting with you!

Hi all, this site is a Godsend. Truly. Thank you to every single person who has posted here. Today is only day 3 after a very long weandown and I am struggling big time. I can hardly move and my head feels like it weighs 100 lbs. I am lying here while my daughters nap. I am having trouble moving to take care of my family. Everything adderall helped me do- clean the house, cook dinner, be a vigilant mom. My sister died when I was younger so I thought adderall helped me focus so intensely on my daughters safety to make sure nothing happens to them on my watch so I don’t live with the guilt my mom has to from losing her child. I can’t focus on them for that long without it. That scares me along with feeling like I can’t take care of my family bc of this awful withdrawal. However, I’m having so much self pity for having a drug issue that I and I alone started. My husband says to not feel bad bc it was originally intended for the right reasons it just got out of control. However so many people are struggling with real things. Im watching YouTube video on a rabbit hole of video watching (something I would never have done on adderall) and the girl in the video is working her butt off to try and overcome having a brain tumor. Within 4 months she has worked so hard she can box again. Im feeling guilty for the feelings of well here I am feeling bad for myself when so many people have so many struggles that they haven’t chosen. Just having a lot of guilt. Any help or advice? I have read old posts and do agree with the sentiments that us adderallics tend to be super hard on ourselves. Any advice or books or articles or old posts would be greatly appreciated <3 my brain is MUSH. It’s embarrassing.

Yes - you do!!! Sending you love and support vibes! You can do this! My motto for today has been “embrace the suck.” That is such an interesting point about the inner child work…a therapist told me that one time. So sorry to hear you are crying but sometimes I think letting it out then makes room for the positive to start coming in. I might start regularly watching Yellowstone too! A nice distraction to enjoy!

@DrewK15thank you for sharing that post! Wow so helpful and incredibly strong and true words!!!

@sirod9i too feel down from the issues I have caused in my relationship. I have come clean to my husband about everything and that has helped some but I’m stop going to promise to be better I’m just going to try and do it. The senior members and old posts on this site are so helpful. I can’t thank @Mikeenough for starting this. He is one amazing person to put all of this hard work into helping total strangers. I am taking Wellbutrin and it is helping me. I don’t think I could do this without it. I know that’s not ideal swapping one pill for another but I plan to get off eventually after I’ve been off adderall for 6 months. I also am trying to eat super clean and not eat gluten or dairy. I’ve read over and over that that helps. It’s no fun and I mess up all the time but it makes an incredible difference when I eat super clean. good luck and hang in there!!!!

@DelaneyJulietteCONGRATS on 10 days!!! Very very impressive. And seriously from one mom to another I can’t tell you enough how impressed I am with you and your dedication!! Sometimes as moms we feel like we have the weight on our shoulders. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated with the expectation women and moms are just supposed to be in charge of everything. It’s ridiculous but I have worked with a great therapist reminding me that basically all we can do is our best. She encourages me to ask my husband for help, plain and simple like stated above. If I tell him I am feeling overwhelmed then we can divvy up the massive amounts of chores that are required to keep a household running. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselors regularly for 7 years and are just now having some breakthroughs on this. I highly recommend that btw! It’s cheaper than a divorce and has helped us fall back in love with each other over and over again which tbh sometimes shocks me lol. When we assume the positive of each other it helps. I will say for me and my personal experience my adderall mood swings, ups downs and all arounds probably contributed to why we had to do so much counseling. I am now fully realizing that sadly. But sometimes laughing about it helps too. I actually sat down on the couch with my husband last night (I probably haven’t done that in years thanks so my obsession with adderall and “being productive”) and he was watching a show Yellowstone. I started watching it too and in a dinner scene there is a couple. The woman, Beth, is throwing a fit, smoking a cigarette and pouring a drink. I have on and off watched the show and she admits to one point being on adderall so she can drink more and not seem like it. Anyway back to her fit- Beth is emotional and her partner says “why don’t you just ask for what you want?” So she does and then gets it. It makes her happy and her partner gives her a kiss and laughs saying something like “I love you. You make life harder everyday” and they both laugh. This made my husband and me laugh bc I KNOW I do this with my during or post adderall times (which is a lot). So for me I’m realizing that I might have been harder to deal with and would always used to blame my husband. Turns out he just doesn’t read my mind but is happy to help when I ask calmly and then say thank you. It’s a tactic I’m embarrassed to say I had to learn in marriage counseling. But it helps and has improved our relationship! Now with me giving up adderall I’m hoping this will continue. I love reading on here that peoples relationships get better and they laugh and enjoy things with their spouse. I enjoyed it last night on the couch and am excited for all of the fun, silly and laughs to come bc I’m not strung out trying to get everything perfect aka adderall perfect. This is part of my story and I’m not saying it’s yours but I feel like adderall has done more to my relationship and the more I come clean with my husband the closer we have become. I’m honestly amazed at the support he is giving me- letting me sleep in as I come off this drug all of the way finally (on day 2 here after weaning down from 120 or more some days in January). I would have never thought he would be open to that but I opened up to him and he has been doing more than he ever has with cleaning and the kids! Also I have hormone issues too and take synthroid. I’m realizing that affects me more than I realized too- was taking too much of that bc adderall interferes with it and that was causing me hormone rage. I have to go my kids have probably painted all over the walls by now lol and not being on adderall I’ve just been laughing and shrugging it off. Who am I and how am I becoming a laid back mom?!!! Still exhausted though and haven’t even put their shoes on to get in the backyard. Going to try and do that now. Reading this site is amazing but sometimes I put in my earbuds and need to hear the quitting adderall message or see it. These videos are helpful:

So glad you are having glimmers of hope!!! Eek one thing adderall helped me with was not wearing my heart so embarrassingly on my sleeve! But seriously I’m so impressed and proud of you both! Thanks for the inspo!!!!

@GeorgiaRigby@DelaneyJulietteboth of your words are like reading my diary minus the success you both have had with your consecutive days!!! A few days ago I threw all of my pills into my daughters diaper pail and took out the trash. I have honestly thought about digging through the diaper pail - how insanely pathetic is that. Also clearly shows me how badly addicted I am. I need to accept it. It’s and addiction. My family then tested positive for Covid so not the best timing to be quarantined and having no access but my husband reminded me (as has my marriage counselor and this amazing site has) - there will never ever be a good time to do it. So why not now? I kept 5 mgs for the past few days so I haven’t even had a day 1 and I still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. And SAME- I ate tons of sugar cookies, have bad cabin fever combined with this weird feeling, not feeling great from Covid but I am trying to do what I’ve been doing to come down from the larger quantities - my calm meditation app, reminding myself this too shall pass and how badly I want to be like nurseaddy and Cassie and all of the others on this site who have said they have done it, it wasn’t easy but the hard part made them come out stronger on the other end. My butt might also come out bigger but lol I’ll take it! One thing I’ve struggled with in my abuse since the pandemic is how much I was taking and then yes also using Xanax to come down at night- my skin picking got out of control and I also look like I’ve aged significantly. I’m 34 and for the first time in my life have horrible acne and my face looks dehydrated, flushed and my undereye bags are awful- so much so my MiL has been suggesting creams for them. If that is what my outside looks like it’s reflecting my inside. It’s scary how much work I have to do on myself. Also my muscles are so sore (and this is me not even have totally quit or gone 1 single day just lower doses of 5,10, 15 or 20) that I can get myself to exercise. The body aches are brutal and the discomfort. My skin is going crazy too. One thing I did was Google pictures of people before and after drug addiction. Some of adderall which led me to some of meth and the before and after pictures are wild. And motivating bc I keep reading adderall and meth are one ingredient different. Exercise was how I used to control my adhd pre adderall. I’m trying to do the meditation but besides accomplishing that I felt like I could hardly do anything. I had no desire to clean the house which is quite different than my adderall infused days. This is weird. Also, I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliette I have 3 and want 4 but tell myself I don’t deserve 4 if I can’t even handle 3 without adderall. I have also been listening to a helpful podcast called adhd for smartass women. The host is hilarious and also tried adderall and vyvanse and hated it. She has guests on that some take medication some don’t but I love that she advocates for the non medicated route and instead wants womeb to embrace the adhd brain. I have always felt different and once I had adderall I thought I could be the “neurotypical” person I thought I had always wanted to be. Turns out my husband and friends who knew me before I started taking it like the old me. During my first two pregnancies I was so chill and happy bc I didn’t take it. Then pp I would stop breastfeeding almost to be able to take it again and for my 3rd baby some doctors said it’s ok to take adderall to make sure the mom is mentally fit and I regret it to this day. I was whacked out in my pregnancy and can’t tell you all the number of times I cried bc I thought I ruined my daughter. She was an impossible baby and shook when she was born. Now she is 2 and amazing, happy and healthy and my sweet husband assured me she’s fine and to not blame myself but oh how I wish this drug never found it’s way into my life. I feel like every problem she will ever have I will blame myself for. Even before I started taking it I was so anti pills. I started at 24. Couldnt sit in an office to save my life. Then somehow adderall became my life. I am going to have to get through day 1 tomorrow without it. I am totally out. This is good I know but ugh the discomfort from the low doses whew. I got some Wellbutrin which I feel annoyed at myself for getting on yet another pill and my husband hates my doctor who gives me any pill I ask for but I am telling myself just a little Wellbutrin to get me through this time and then once I can exercise again I will do that. Sorry for rambling. I can’t even believe I am sharing all of this. I also tried some weird bulletproof brain pill today that made me feel whacky and my husband is encouraging me to just let my body be. I’m so thankful for him but also I am so ashamed that I am down this bad of an addiction rabbit hole. I feel like an idiot but at the same time weirdly proud of myself for finally finally finally throwing away my pills. I had my doctor switch my prescriptions and to have my husband pick them up. That’s how bad it is and yet she still prescribes me. I want to think she has my best interest in mind and wants to help me but even after I told her during the pandemic I started abusing them and everything else she still prescribes. My other doctor- my gp told me the amount she was prescribing me could have killed me. He told me I should go to rehab but I am too ashamed and know I can do this on my own. I really do. Because of this forum. And because I love what it says on one of the pages that we are over achiever types who have always been determined and thought adderall was the magic key to better ourselves. And we all know here. IT IS NOT. Thank you for letting me rant. I have so much work to do on myself and worry about the housework, keeping my kids on a schedule. I am very much the classic adhd who cares about the schedule let’s have fun/impulsive but also used to be very driven but would get frustrated when I would get distracted but with adderall then became scary let’s mop every inch of the house driven thinking I was queen of the world for being so perfect or productive. I don’t even know. Thanks for letting me ramble. Holy hell admitting this makes me want to get the eff away from this drug. I need to get to bed. Thank you everyone on this site and especially to you two who are on this journey to recovery! I am going to use both of your day number progress to keep me motivated. Good luck and keep up the impressive hard work in the right way!!! My motto just like changing a diaper “this is important. It may seem trivial but this is important. “ quitting adderall is important. The little days may seem trivial and slow but they will add up. More of a pep talk to myself sheesh I’ve lost it. Goodnight and good luck!!!

@NurseAddycongratulations!!! So impressed with you and you describe everything perfectly what I want to get rid of. I might have to read this every day.