Hopefulily

Same!!! I want to stop it soooo bad but also another part doesn't and I hate both parts of me weirdly enough!!! A thought I try to remember - my friend recently lost her dad and had to write his obituary. She said as morbid of a thought as it is to think about writing her own it also helped her gain clarity on focusing on the things that really matter and not the things that don't. I do NOT want my obituary to have that sense of well she took adderall her whole life and kind of was this weird zombie robot of a human who lost the ability to connect with people in her once quirky but caring way. Maybe I will finish this exercise. Write one with adderall in my life and one without... Attention: A Love Story is really, really good. I have a hard time though because I feel like it was so different to wean off when I didn't have kids... But then again I have hardly given it a full try...

@DelaneyJulietteI think we are the same person. I am the same. I weirdly want to fit in to social situations too but really don't care. I feel like I should care and want to be a "fun" adult, enjoy wine with my husband but all of that leads to me having a good enough time in the moment and then I come crashing down. I am starting to realize not only is this an adderall problem but probably an all around substance abuse problem combined with emotional eating problem. I got back on adderall after 10 pretty good days because I can't face myself about how mad I am at myself for being addicted on and off for ten years. Part of it during my last pregnancy which I just cannot bear to digest. I have friends who openly drink during the last trimester and I even went to a specialist who told me to continue the adderall while pregnant but damn it's something I never, ever imagined I would do in my life. I am a mom to 3 very young, energetic girls. I use them as my excuse and even used my two older ones as an excuse to take it during pregnancy. I went to therapy for a while and it did help but what I know is that I have to face it myself. No one else can face or fix this addiction and my issues except for me. I think as a mom I have this idea in my head of who I want to be. Who I want to be as a wife. When I can't measure up I just either reach for adderall which then leads to feelings of shame and then wine and then the next day I am hungover and it all starts again. I reached back out to my doctor for "one last script" as I told my husband. He was so mad when I reached back out to her. But I promised it was the last time. I had told her I wanted to live a sober life and then lo and behold she wrote me a script when I emailed her and told her living without adderall was too hard. I am trying to do so many things to ram into my head how bad this drug is. Reading this site (although I snuck away with my tail between my legs after proudly writing I was ten days sober and then quit the next day), listening to Attention: A Love Story who actually quotes this website in her book, watching countless videos online, reading The Amphetamine Debate, The Edison Gene- a book about how if Thomas Edison were alive today he would have been medicated and not able to be creative and our lives would clearly be so different, also about alternative ways to medication and why it is bad. And yet I still take this stupid drug. I don't know why I think one more pill will get me to where I want to go. It does the opposite. It does not help me get laundry, be more patient with my daughters, be a better human. I feel like the girl from the movie bridesmaids where she says "what is wrong with me?" I quote it all of the time. I don't have a lot of time to rest but that is also an excuse. Maybe I would if I wasn't hopped up on adderall and then drinking or binge eating sugar to deal with the comedowns. I did have my first apt with an Integrative Healthcare specialist who is going to work with me to sort all of this out. I have an EEG tomorrow which I am terrified about. What deep dark embarrassing things will they be able to see in my brain scan? Also coming back on this site after failing sucks. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I want to be one of the success stories, I want to make the senior members and other members pulling for me on here proud. So the easy thing to do is stay away. The hard thing is coming back. DelanyJ, you always come back and keep trying and aren't afraid to admit you messed up and I am so impressed and proud of you for that! But I guess I will do another round up and throw everything away. Now I have a new doctor holding me accountable and I will get a real picture of where my health stands. I guess that is a start. I don't know. I want to always be in bed by 8 reading a book too. But I self sabotage that dream away too... Triggers: cleaning the house, having people over to our house, needing to get ready to leave the house with all 3 kids, keeping myself in our strict budget even though it is boring, not feeling like I have an escape and can take time to journal and work through whatever issues keep me addicted, living up to my perfect image of myself I have in my mind, being attentive/not falling asleep on the mom job as my mom did and my sister died as horrible and sad as that is, scared of gaining weight, not being able to meditate without adderall which I think will fix my adderall problem, hating my adhd self which I think I have bought too much into the cultural adhd bs of needing to be medicated, not feeling like I am deserving of rest because as a mom there is always something important yet oh so trivial to do, unable to prioritize mom tasks, unable to deal with everything I am always supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy, being with myself not on drugs and having to re-learn who that person is and what I am or am not capable of, thinking about how I got here in the first place and not wanting to have to be in the camp of people like cranky sober people I know and even Jessica Simpson and people who have had problems, having to admit to myself I have serious issues and not having adderall to keep my mind distracted... Hopefully I will report back with some more progress. Until then, thanks for letting me vent.

@DelaneyJulietteSame. I want to take a pill. Nothing works or makes me feel better though - even wellbutrin, melatonin. This just sucks. I am a professional self sabotager. I will eat clean, work out, not take adderall, drink, be nice to everyone around me, get 7-8 hours of sleep for a few days and then I mess up on one damn thing and it is like a domino effect.

I threw my remaining pills in the dog park trash can last Friday. I felt like such a sketch doing it but I knew I had to stop trying to wean and just do cold turkey. Luckily my husband is keeping me on task (as best as he can) and finally told me my doctor is giving me a noose with all of these pills to hang myself with and he is so sick of watching it. It was intense to hear that and I know my doctor doesn't care how I am doing on all of the medications she gives me which started with adderall but for some reason I want her to care about me? And that she isn't the enabler that she really is... I know it is my fault but it is kind of scary to be reading The Amphetiamine Debate and to realize how much she was giving me and how she isn't more careful when perscribing. I hope to one day get the courage to send her the amphatmine debate or everything I am learning and asking her why this was never recommended. Why do doctors not really tell us what we are about to start taking/putting into our body and the dangers of it? I have learned about all of the people who overdosed from getting addicted to amphetamines and then downers - Elvis, Judy Garland, professional athletes. Just sad and shocking and yet I was on that train they were. I have thrown away all of my xanax, ambien, adderal. It is all out of our house. That feels good. I do take cbd oil some nights though and took a wellbutrin today. I highly recommend The Amphetamine Debate if anyone wants to learn more about what the adderall is that we are putting into our body. I am not out of the woods yet as I am only on day ten and turned to alcohol this weekend to cope with the stress of this and then fished out some wellbutrin today. Also, I am not going to lie I am still scrounging around hoping to find one last little piece of a leftover pill. I know some people are strong enough that when they find one they would not. I am almost mad at myself for throwing away all of the adderall or "those precious pills" my mind told me one time as I think about them a lot. If only I could take one more. But I can't. I was so angry and depressed last week after taking 25mgs and going above where I had weaned down to yet again so the next morning I woke up and threw them all away. It felt liberating and good and exciting. But now I am tired and going through this tough part which for me- one year away seems like no end in sight. This process really is minute to minute for me. One minute I am so proud of myself and the next I am scrounging for leftovers. And I have checked some of the same places over and over and over. Luckily my husband keeps telling me how much more patient I am and how he is enjoying it. We went to marriage counseling and our therapist is encouraging me to get lots of rest, etc. He told me how proud he is of me. But as a mom and wife who used adderall to be the perfect person I want to be it is so hard. I miss my "easy" button but it is not an easy button. It just creates chaos. And turns me into someone I hate. Who hates herself. Random question - did anyone notice their driving got really bad? I guess I need to start up with my meditation again because whew I find myself so distracted as I am driving around whether with my kids or alone.

Congratulations @sirod9!!! 6 months must feel really damn good! Before I officially joined this thread I saw when you were starting your journey and I could have been right there with you. Instead I chose to keep taking it and am only on day 10. Thanks for your supplement recs- I actually got both of those and have been taking them. Today I had to add back in a half of a wellbutrin but I appreciate you sharing this update. I am finally understanding the importance of cutting off my doctor. Keep it up and thanks for inspiring us!!!!

I totally feel ya on the no motivation. My life seems to be a mess and I am only on day ten. I finally tried a wellbutrin again today and it helped. It makes me feel weird but does seem to give me a little motivation. I also tried Lion's Mane, Bulletproof Neuro enhancer coffee pill and lots and lots of espresso. Coffee and tea make me jittery but I have found espresso helps get me a little motivated without the jitters which is better than nothing. It sucks but eating clean seems to be sooo important. And I am trying to figure out if gluten and or carbs are causing more fatigue as well. On the days I eat a lot of nuts, eggs, chicken, drink tons and tons of water too. It's almost a full time job it seems right now just to be focusing on making the right choices to be able to get through the day with natural energy.

Congrats on 31 days!!!! I am on day 10 today and I feel like the most important thing for me is healthy eating. I have to treat my body like a real human I guess. Over the past ten days I have realized that if I eat poorly my day will suck and the next day too bc it is so easy to make it a pattern. But if I start the day with lots of water and a green smoothie it is so much better. I am not going to lie- it is kind of annoying I can't eat with reckless abandon like on adderall but is also helping me feel more in tune with my body. Exercise, super clean eating and sleep seem to be the most important things for me so far. Keep up the impressive work!!!!

Also, I meant to respond about how the depression experience of coming off of stimulants is different from clinical depression. Thank you for pointing that out. That is helpful to think and journal about. That makes sense as adderall has for so long manufactured dopamine in my brain and now my brain has to get it from natural sources like exercise. I know for me the more I understand exactly what is happening to my brain and body the better. I am currently reading amphetamine debate although I only get through a few pages at a time...

Also, big congrats on day 14!!!!!!!

Thank you for posting your story! I have read it and will continue to re-read it as I think this is the way I am going to step down as well.

Thank you for taking the time to respond! I really appreciate your thoughts and have journalled about them. I should have made it more clear- I started wellbutrin with 100mg of SR. Then after a week I went up to 200. However I could not sleep from even the first day of taking it. I had what seemed like a weird comedown when I only took the SR once per day but then if I took it twice per day I couldn't sleep. I then switched over to try taking 150 xr. I could not sleep even from the first day so I took half. Even with half I just feel strange. I am so glad Wellbutrin worked for others on this forum. This is an inspiring group of people who I will forever be grateful for sharing their stories as corny as that sounds. I can definitely see why wellbutrin is successful however I just don't think it is for me. Yes, I think it will be very beneficial to see an integrative care specialist as the more I read about the medication I am prescribed for my hypothyroid the more I believe that could be playing a role in the exacerbated adhd symptoms I am struggling with. Side note about pharma companies and doctors- my GP will only prescribe synthetic versions of thyroid medication not natural. So I have been researching different ways to cure my hypothyroid struggles and diet is one of them - giving up dairy and gluten seem to free some people of thyroid issues. I have read on this forum that some people have given those two foods up when quitting adderall as well and have found that approach helpful. My husband and I are going to try a 90 day dairy and gluten free diet starting Monday. We are going to prep for it this weekend. Funny you mention planning bc I had never thought to do that in this process really. However, I guess I should approach it the same way I am approaching my diet rehaul. I often forget about how important planning is... My husband is very supportive and has for the most part taken over the childcare and cleaning duties when he is home from work. I loathe feeling lazy though and try to help as much as possible. I do completely understand why cold turkey works and did that for my pregnancies. My 3rd pregnancy I unfortunately took smaller doses of adderall to combat falling asleep while trying to take care of my other two daughters. I will spend my life regretting that. I am going to start focusing on sleep, no downers including alcohol during my 90 days. It makes me feel worse anyway and I have come to the point where drinking just doesn't feel good. I have done a lot of reading and journalling to get to that point and now I hardly ever drink or even want to. I am working on that with adderall as well. I am going to stick to 20mgs and work my way down again through a schedule to be done by my 35th birthday in two months. If I continue to slip then cold turkey it will be on my 35th birthday. Thanks for the support and input. I know I will get there just might be on a different, longer path.

Still working towards that one week mark. How are you doing @DelaneyJuliette? I think about you and hope you are continuing to do so well!!

Hi everyone, I have been reading past posts about Wellbutrin. I tried going from 20mgs of adderall to cold turkey again and am having a lot of trouble with it. I have no motivation and cannot take care of my 3 toddlers. I know imy mindset and the final step that I need to complete (this time last January I had a panic attack from taking 120mgs plus per day which I have weaned down from), however I am struggling big time to think how to even get my girls out of the door to school or even a walk on non-school days. I have hypothyroidism and cannot take L-tyrosine or so it says on the bottle bc it will interfere with my synthroid. I also struggle with being able to drink caffeine-it makes me very cranky. I am waiting for an integrative care apt in March to help me with my hypothyroidism, adderall abuse and various issues so plan to ask a doctor about the l-tyrosine specifics then. I tried wellbutrin but was having horrible insomnia. Even from day 1 which is strange as they say it takes weeks to start working. I unfortunately am in the camp of those adderallics that then get addicted to downers - xanax, klonopin and ambien. I threw those pills out two weeks ago and will never ask for a refill. I have realized they affect my memory, body, etc. I replaced them with 15mgs of cbd oil for now but that did not help with the wellbutrin insomnia. To me, Wellbutrin reminds me of vyvanse but maybe I haven't given it enough of a chance? I originally tried 200mgs Wellbutrin SR. I thought taking it twice per day was the insomnia issue. I then asked my doctor for the extended release thinking that would be better but it wasn't. It did make me feel less depressed and motivated to do things but also not able to stop and meditate, drink water etc. I thought that was very strange and also not good for the recovery process from quitting adderall. I continue to fail to make it past 4 days without going back to the remaining adderall supply I have. I have thrown it out before but don't want to be a total wasteland and have my daughters see me as this uncaring, absent mother. When I was younger I look back and sometimes wish my mom had almost taken a little bit of adderall to pay more attention to me but maybe that was because she was grieving over the death of my youngest sister. I know a part of this quitting process is to figure out how we got here in the first place which I am working on in my journal. What is the strangest about all of this is I feel like you would meet me and never know I was addicted to all of these pills. I put a very good front up and pretend to be happy, have it decently together as a mom. I love being a stay at home mom but use adderall to get through cleaning and doing household chores which I hate. I would get lost in lalaland and play with my kids all day but forget to make dinner, make sure everyone had clean clothes, etc. I am trying to educate myself about the positives of adhd, why adderall is so bad for me (I know many of the reasons but am learning more and more each day and getting to the point of hating having to take it) and how to deal with my adhd with meditation, working out, eating clean and self-love/acceptance. However all of that isn't moving as fast as I would like because I am still on this soul-sucking drug. My lame excuse is the mommy's little helper basically. Maybe I should continue my step down method? However I have stepped back up to 30mgs some days which is a huge red flag, I know. Maybe I should let my body normalize after giving up all of the downers and then finish my wean down and see if I need wellbutrin? But then how do I deal with the massive depression wave that comes from not taking adderall all day? I do think I might have mixed some days taking wellbutrin and adderall. Maybe I will go back to just taking wellbutrin but I also felt it made me not want to workout/move my body but that could also be from the adderall withdrawal? If anyone is still reading and has some advice I would greatly appreciate it! I am struggling. I am doing my best to continue to move forward to quitting adderall. I know it would make life so much better and I love envisioning my future self writing to you all about a sober life. I know it doesn't come for free and there is a lot of self-work that needs to be done so I can feel good about getting to that place.

I need to remember this. One day at a time. I’m so glad you posted about replacing it with exercise no matter what. My husband is watching my girls so I can do a 30 min workout video and have 15 minutes to come here for support, inspiration and reminders. Im definitely feeling a little crazy with all of this but continuing to work through it will hopefully make me less so. What day are you on? @DelaneyJuliette

SAME!!!

Thank you so much @DrewK15 I have been talking with my husband about it over the past year to be honest but tonight we set a plan that I will only cook dinner once a week, he will do one night and all nighttime housework and he has been amazing these past few weeks as I have been trying to go cold turkey. He sometimes gets tired and irritated but I don't blame him. Discussing the dinner conversation and how much it was helpful and I attribute it to your reminder that I really need to get him on board all of the way. I am sad to report I have taken a few 5mgs the past few days. However, considering I was at 120mgs this time last year and have been working my way down I don't want to beat myself up too much about it. I want to focus on the positivity because that will help me move forward I think and this is a hell of a process. I thought I could go cold turkey but I just can't. It is too much of a shock to my system with insane insomnia and then I feel like I can't tae care of my girls. I went to an NA meeting today with my aunt to celebrate her one year of sobriety. I had never been to an NA meeting but it was powerful and very different from what I expected. I spoke and commended my aunt as I have pretty intense addicts on both sides of my family. I admitted I am addicted to adderall and basically whatever pill I can get my hands on. It felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to see normal looking people I would see at a restaurant in a Sunday morning meeting talking about addiction, life struggles but the importance of their community and each other. They really lifted each other up. However, I do not think it is for me. I am very thankful to have this forum and it made me realize the importance of this site. I can't hide if I have messed up and stay off of the forums just because I still have a few pills left just in case I couldn't handle the cold turkey. I know a lot of advice on this site is to let ourselves rest and binge netflix however as a mom of 3 toddlers I don't really have the ability to do that. Once they are in school I will, but until then the process I think would be too overwhelming for me to not have that downtime. I try and put on a movie for them and they just come find me. But that's ok. And as my lovely internet and fellow mama @DelaneyJuliettesaid I need to be easy on myself and know that it is a process. I did also meet with an addiction counselor as well but that also seemed to be a little off as he said he could sense I had bad add (I told him I worry about my driving and making sure all 3 of my kids are safe with remembering to keep a watchful eye) and that if I take my medication as prescribed it is not substance abuse. That is not my goal. My goal is to get off of adderall. I want to get off of adderall for the following reasons and many more: 1. Tonight putting my girls to bed without adderall I really enjoyed it and drank them in. It wasn't a check on my adderall-fueled daily list of things to do. It was almost beautiful and I want to experience pure joy and beauty in life with them. I don't want to waste time with them. I also don't want something to happen like if one has to go to the hospital and I have to say oh wait let me pop a pill so I can tie my shoes and get you there. Hell not that is not how I want to live my life. I want to dance and enjoy life with them as the old me. So what if I can't keep them on the exact perfect schedule and be the perfect mom. I will show them what life is truly like-simple and beautiful and sad and good days and bad days and fun and laughter in between. 2. My husband. He is incredible and we used to have such a sweet love before I got caught up in the adderall-fueled obsession with perfection and taking more, doing more. I read in someone's post on this site that adderall keeps you from feeling lonely. You don't need love on adderall. I have realized this is true for me. My husband is so sweet and does everything I have ever asked. Except kick his twitter and nicorette habits I am a stay at home mom and he works and then comes home to help me with the girls, does the dishes, puts them to bed, folds laundry and then gets attitude from his adderallic wife who would rather clean the dust mites than talk to him let alone have sex. He just wants me to sit down with him and talk or snuggle or watch a show together. I have been doing more of this and we have such a sweet love. It's honestly the kind I have always dreamed of for the most part. I don't want to ruin it with a stupid blue and or orange pill. 3. My body aches. I started one of the books recommended on this site about the history of amphetamines and what it actually does to our bodies. Holy shit I have been so clueless about all of this. I took this medication so blindly and am learning about how horrible it is for our bodies. This is helping my desire to quit. The more I learn the more I want to quit. 4. My relationships. I obsess over other people and what they are doing wrong. Everyone else is wrong when I take it. 5. My weird obsessions that have developed with adderall. I obsess over having extremely blonde hair. 6. I hate myself and think I am so ugly when I take adderall. I used to think I was beautiful. Sure I've always wanted a cuter, smaller nose. When I take that pill I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. It's weird. I used to associate beauty with what is on the inside but now I just pick my skin and have ruined my once nice skin. I do not want that for myself or to be that sort of example to my girls. 7. I am one of those weirdos who is now gaining weight on it. When I take it it stresses me out so much that I either binge eat sugar or do when I am coming off of it. 8. I want to get in actual shape. Adderall stops that. @DelaneyJuliettegood to see your working out actually helps. I too thought I am one of those people working out doesn't apply to. I just listened to this which was incredibly helpful: https://www.tracyotsuka.com/podcasts/ Episode 157is about how exercise has better long term benefits for the brain to treat adhd than medication. I am so naive and knew this but also didn't. There are so many other reasons but I am committed to continue this process, weaning down and figuring out how to rebuild myself without this. There is so much more I want to share and write but I also feel a little silly for oversharing. Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out to then face it. Adderall helps me hide from dealing with everything in life. I want to change that and am committed to continuing. If you are still reading this (don't blame if you aren't one bit lol) and have been sober from adderall for big milestones-is the feeling of the milestone enough or did you use NA or some sort of program to get that chip and see the accomplishment vs feeling it? Or does that even matter? Seeing my aunt get her one year sobriety at NA today made me so damn proud but also I want that chip. I want that accomplishment. But is it that or do I just want to be able to have something visible to work towards or is it that knowing it and saying it on this forum is enough? Maybe I should get to 30 days before I think about stuff like that. Ok now I am rambling. Off to watch and enjoy a show with my husband thanks to an adderall free day today. Hope everyone is having a relaxing Sunday night. Thankful for everyone here and thank you for accepting me as I try to work through this <3

Thank you for taking the time to read my previous posts. It really means a lot and brought me to tears how supportive this site is. And for you to take your time to help me specifically, thank you thank you. Thank you also for your encouragement, "tough love" and advice. The challenge to courageously change the things I can I wrote in my journal to remember this. I have worked with therapists in the past to try to move forward and none have hit it home like that statement. I do think adderall also exacerbates my anxiety around the feeling of thinking my family's safety and happiness is on my shoulders. I have so many reasons I want to quit and will write them on here tomorrow. I have been writing them in my journal for months and might be a helpful exercise to gather them in one place.

Today is day 1 again. I can't stop reading the success stories. The longest I've gone in years is 4 days. I want to do 30 days, 60 days, a year, 4 years and be free from this addiction! Reading the success stories even when someone is at 21 days or 5 months is incredible!!! If I have the urge to take it I will come on this amazing site and be honest. Day 1 for the rest of my life starts today!

This is AMAZING to read!!! Congrats on 5 months Sirod and 21 days @DelaneyJuliette!!!! This is truly inspiring! Why can't I get past only 4 days until I go back to just a little bit to get me through or get a script refill after throwing my adderall out.

@DelaneyJuliettei love and am so impressed by your mentality!! Keep it up!!! It’s so inspiring.

I gave up on day 5. I could blame it on Christmas and wrapping presents until 2am the two nights before Christmas or my husbands back going out and me “needing” to have adderall to take care of my kids. I emailed my doctor and got another script and here we go again. Day 4 is the longest I’ve made it in probably two years. I had a pretty good day 4- I was belly laughing and being kind to my husband and kids but not productive. I absolutely hate cleaning and the life of a stay at home mom to 3 toddlers is like being a janitor. On day 4 I felt like I had a ton of energy but I just didn’t know how to focus it and felt like a huge failure. I’m remembering I am hyperactive and have to exercise to be able to focus. I know I don’t know why I berate myself all. Day. Long. My therapist told me how I treat myself is how my daughters will learn to treat themselves so I realllly need to work on speaking to myself like a friend. I feel like I used to like myself and possibly even love myself. Not true now. I was looking back at the old forums and reading how people look at others not on adderall and are jealous bc they have built a life one act of willpower following another. I have been looking at programs like 75hard or something to improve my mental stamina and to channel my crazy adhd energy starting January 1 I want to get it together why don’t I just do it?!! I need to come on here everyday. Like 5 times per day to get back to day 1. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliettethat you are just moving on and focusing on the positives of 6 days! Geez it’s embarrassing I can’t get there. I keep telling myself well I will not take it again when my girls go back to school etc. there will never be a good time to do it. I know that and yet I still have reached for my refilled script 20 mgs for the past few days ugh.

I agree @DelaneyJuliettethank you @sirod9foe the reminder!!! Thank you for posting this. Congrats on 5 months!!! And Delaney congrats on 6 days!

@GeorgiaRigbygo easy on yourself! This is quite the process and it’s hard bc a little slip can ruin the day count. I kind of like how Dax shepherd still allows himself 16 years of sobriety even when he messed it up for a bit. To me, you seem like you have a spark inside of you! A beautiful soul from what I can tell! The fact that you shared that inspiring, grounded book but more than that. Your friendliness, vulnerability. You need to allow yourself to be human- we all have days where our brain is mush. You are in the arena as the famous teddy Roosevelt quote says. Cheesy but brene brown quotes it in her book and she’s fantastic in my opinion. Have you looked in to her? That book you posted and the author looks so wonderful! I put that in my cart to look into. Although I have so many quarter read books on my nightstand! Question- have you ever had your thyroid checked? That can lead to the feeling of mush. I dragggged before realizing I had to see my doctor and he said he doubted it was my thyroid but turned out dr Google actually led me in the right direction for once lol. Just a thought! take care of yourself and seriously don’t be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a crazy time of year too. This is hard as hell. And a crazy time in the pandemic and now the holidays to be doing it. I’m not giving us excuses. I’m on day 3 and drank wayyy too much coffee today and am dreading tomorrow without my “medication”/speed. I was scrounging around today desperately trying to find some so I would totally have taken it if I had found it. I don’t want to go to rehab and it’s strange bc it’s a prescription but I know i have to do this. I feel very much like a drug seeker and addict though. So I’m right there with us in full fledged honesty. Maybe we could set a goal where like every month we try to have less days than more days and then once we achieve that we keep going down and down and work through it like that? A whole year or I guess a lifetime is daunting! It’s what I want but then my mind starts to play tricks like is it actually more helpful to have to get shit done? Now I’m rambling per usual. another quick thought- make a list of your whys and things you love? I have always considered myself adhd/the hyperactive kind and I feel like that kind doesn’t get nervous bc we lack some sort of self realization or something so it’s easy for us to do when we are wired to be oblivious to what others think for the most part. I totally understand that too though. I’m a stay at home mom and not much else. Lousy cook and house cleaner, wish I could muster more energy for my husband but I’m hoping maybe I’m just still languishing as that we York times article talked about. From the pandemic. keep being you- some days are wins and count the wins! Others aren’t so you don’t have to count those right?! For what it’s worth I love reading your posts and chatting with you!

Hi all, this site is a Godsend. Truly. Thank you to every single person who has posted here. Today is only day 3 after a very long weandown and I am struggling big time. I can hardly move and my head feels like it weighs 100 lbs. I am lying here while my daughters nap. I am having trouble moving to take care of my family. Everything adderall helped me do- clean the house, cook dinner, be a vigilant mom. My sister died when I was younger so I thought adderall helped me focus so intensely on my daughters safety to make sure nothing happens to them on my watch so I don’t live with the guilt my mom has to from losing her child. I can’t focus on them for that long without it. That scares me along with feeling like I can’t take care of my family bc of this awful withdrawal. However, I’m having so much self pity for having a drug issue that I and I alone started. My husband says to not feel bad bc it was originally intended for the right reasons it just got out of control. However so many people are struggling with real things. Im watching YouTube video on a rabbit hole of video watching (something I would never have done on adderall) and the girl in the video is working her butt off to try and overcome having a brain tumor. Within 4 months she has worked so hard she can box again. Im feeling guilty for the feelings of well here I am feeling bad for myself when so many people have so many struggles that they haven’t chosen. Just having a lot of guilt. Any help or advice? I have read old posts and do agree with the sentiments that us adderallics tend to be super hard on ourselves. Any advice or books or articles or old posts would be greatly appreciated <3 my brain is MUSH. It’s embarrassing.

Yes - you do!!! Sending you love and support vibes! You can do this! My motto for today has been “embrace the suck.” That is such an interesting point about the inner child work…a therapist told me that one time. So sorry to hear you are crying but sometimes I think letting it out then makes room for the positive to start coming in. I might start regularly watching Yellowstone too! A nice distraction to enjoy!