Hopefulily

@DrewK15thank you for sharing that post! Wow so helpful and incredibly strong and true words!!!

@sirod9i too feel down from the issues I have caused in my relationship. I have come clean to my husband about everything and that has helped some but I’m stop going to promise to be better I’m just going to try and do it. The senior members and old posts on this site are so helpful. I can’t thank @Mikeenough for starting this. He is one amazing person to put all of this hard work into helping total strangers. I am taking Wellbutrin and it is helping me. I don’t think I could do this without it. I know that’s not ideal swapping one pill for another but I plan to get off eventually after I’ve been off adderall for 6 months. I also am trying to eat super clean and not eat gluten or dairy. I’ve read over and over that that helps. It’s no fun and I mess up all the time but it makes an incredible difference when I eat super clean. good luck and hang in there!!!!

@DelaneyJulietteCONGRATS on 10 days!!! Very very impressive. And seriously from one mom to another I can’t tell you enough how impressed I am with you and your dedication!! Sometimes as moms we feel like we have the weight on our shoulders. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated with the expectation women and moms are just supposed to be in charge of everything. It’s ridiculous but I have worked with a great therapist reminding me that basically all we can do is our best. She encourages me to ask my husband for help, plain and simple like stated above. If I tell him I am feeling overwhelmed then we can divvy up the massive amounts of chores that are required to keep a household running. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselors regularly for 7 years and are just now having some breakthroughs on this. I highly recommend that btw! It’s cheaper than a divorce and has helped us fall back in love with each other over and over again which tbh sometimes shocks me lol. When we assume the positive of each other it helps. I will say for me and my personal experience my adderall mood swings, ups downs and all arounds probably contributed to why we had to do so much counseling. I am now fully realizing that sadly. But sometimes laughing about it helps too. I actually sat down on the couch with my husband last night (I probably haven’t done that in years thanks so my obsession with adderall and “being productive”) and he was watching a show Yellowstone. I started watching it too and in a dinner scene there is a couple. The woman, Beth, is throwing a fit, smoking a cigarette and pouring a drink. I have on and off watched the show and she admits to one point being on adderall so she can drink more and not seem like it. Anyway back to her fit- Beth is emotional and her partner says “why don’t you just ask for what you want?” So she does and then gets it. It makes her happy and her partner gives her a kiss and laughs saying something like “I love you. You make life harder everyday” and they both laugh. This made my husband and me laugh bc I KNOW I do this with my during or post adderall times (which is a lot). So for me I’m realizing that I might have been harder to deal with and would always used to blame my husband. Turns out he just doesn’t read my mind but is happy to help when I ask calmly and then say thank you. It’s a tactic I’m embarrassed to say I had to learn in marriage counseling. But it helps and has improved our relationship! Now with me giving up adderall I’m hoping this will continue. I love reading on here that peoples relationships get better and they laugh and enjoy things with their spouse. I enjoyed it last night on the couch and am excited for all of the fun, silly and laughs to come bc I’m not strung out trying to get everything perfect aka adderall perfect. This is part of my story and I’m not saying it’s yours but I feel like adderall has done more to my relationship and the more I come clean with my husband the closer we have become. I’m honestly amazed at the support he is giving me- letting me sleep in as I come off this drug all of the way finally (on day 2 here after weaning down from 120 or more some days in January). I would have never thought he would be open to that but I opened up to him and he has been doing more than he ever has with cleaning and the kids! Also I have hormone issues too and take synthroid. I’m realizing that affects me more than I realized too- was taking too much of that bc adderall interferes with it and that was causing me hormone rage. I have to go my kids have probably painted all over the walls by now lol and not being on adderall I’ve just been laughing and shrugging it off. Who am I and how am I becoming a laid back mom?!!! Still exhausted though and haven’t even put their shoes on to get in the backyard. Going to try and do that now. Reading this site is amazing but sometimes I put in my earbuds and need to hear the quitting adderall message or see it. These videos are helpful:

So glad you are having glimmers of hope!!! Eek one thing adderall helped me with was not wearing my heart so embarrassingly on my sleeve! But seriously I’m so impressed and proud of you both! Thanks for the inspo!!!!

@GeorgiaRigby@DelaneyJulietteboth of your words are like reading my diary minus the success you both have had with your consecutive days!!! A few days ago I threw all of my pills into my daughters diaper pail and took out the trash. I have honestly thought about digging through the diaper pail - how insanely pathetic is that. Also clearly shows me how badly addicted I am. I need to accept it. It’s and addiction. My family then tested positive for Covid so not the best timing to be quarantined and having no access but my husband reminded me (as has my marriage counselor and this amazing site has) - there will never ever be a good time to do it. So why not now? I kept 5 mgs for the past few days so I haven’t even had a day 1 and I still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. And SAME- I ate tons of sugar cookies, have bad cabin fever combined with this weird feeling, not feeling great from Covid but I am trying to do what I’ve been doing to come down from the larger quantities - my calm meditation app, reminding myself this too shall pass and how badly I want to be like nurseaddy and Cassie and all of the others on this site who have said they have done it, it wasn’t easy but the hard part made them come out stronger on the other end. My butt might also come out bigger but lol I’ll take it! One thing I’ve struggled with in my abuse since the pandemic is how much I was taking and then yes also using Xanax to come down at night- my skin picking got out of control and I also look like I’ve aged significantly. I’m 34 and for the first time in my life have horrible acne and my face looks dehydrated, flushed and my undereye bags are awful- so much so my MiL has been suggesting creams for them. If that is what my outside looks like it’s reflecting my inside. It’s scary how much work I have to do on myself. Also my muscles are so sore (and this is me not even have totally quit or gone 1 single day just lower doses of 5,10, 15 or 20) that I can get myself to exercise. The body aches are brutal and the discomfort. My skin is going crazy too. One thing I did was Google pictures of people before and after drug addiction. Some of adderall which led me to some of meth and the before and after pictures are wild. And motivating bc I keep reading adderall and meth are one ingredient different. Exercise was how I used to control my adhd pre adderall. I’m trying to do the meditation but besides accomplishing that I felt like I could hardly do anything. I had no desire to clean the house which is quite different than my adderall infused days. This is weird. Also, I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliette I have 3 and want 4 but tell myself I don’t deserve 4 if I can’t even handle 3 without adderall. I have also been listening to a helpful podcast called adhd for smartass women. The host is hilarious and also tried adderall and vyvanse and hated it. She has guests on that some take medication some don’t but I love that she advocates for the non medicated route and instead wants womeb to embrace the adhd brain. I have always felt different and once I had adderall I thought I could be the “neurotypical” person I thought I had always wanted to be. Turns out my husband and friends who knew me before I started taking it like the old me. During my first two pregnancies I was so chill and happy bc I didn’t take it. Then pp I would stop breastfeeding almost to be able to take it again and for my 3rd baby some doctors said it’s ok to take adderall to make sure the mom is mentally fit and I regret it to this day. I was whacked out in my pregnancy and can’t tell you all the number of times I cried bc I thought I ruined my daughter. She was an impossible baby and shook when she was born. Now she is 2 and amazing, happy and healthy and my sweet husband assured me she’s fine and to not blame myself but oh how I wish this drug never found it’s way into my life. I feel like every problem she will ever have I will blame myself for. Even before I started taking it I was so anti pills. I started at 24. Couldnt sit in an office to save my life. Then somehow adderall became my life. I am going to have to get through day 1 tomorrow without it. I am totally out. This is good I know but ugh the discomfort from the low doses whew. I got some Wellbutrin which I feel annoyed at myself for getting on yet another pill and my husband hates my doctor who gives me any pill I ask for but I am telling myself just a little Wellbutrin to get me through this time and then once I can exercise again I will do that. Sorry for rambling. I can’t even believe I am sharing all of this. I also tried some weird bulletproof brain pill today that made me feel whacky and my husband is encouraging me to just let my body be. I’m so thankful for him but also I am so ashamed that I am down this bad of an addiction rabbit hole. I feel like an idiot but at the same time weirdly proud of myself for finally finally finally throwing away my pills. I had my doctor switch my prescriptions and to have my husband pick them up. That’s how bad it is and yet she still prescribes me. I want to think she has my best interest in mind and wants to help me but even after I told her during the pandemic I started abusing them and everything else she still prescribes. My other doctor- my gp told me the amount she was prescribing me could have killed me. He told me I should go to rehab but I am too ashamed and know I can do this on my own. I really do. Because of this forum. And because I love what it says on one of the pages that we are over achiever types who have always been determined and thought adderall was the magic key to better ourselves. And we all know here. IT IS NOT. Thank you for letting me rant. I have so much work to do on myself and worry about the housework, keeping my kids on a schedule. I am very much the classic adhd who cares about the schedule let’s have fun/impulsive but also used to be very driven but would get frustrated when I would get distracted but with adderall then became scary let’s mop every inch of the house driven thinking I was queen of the world for being so perfect or productive. I don’t even know. Thanks for letting me ramble. Holy hell admitting this makes me want to get the eff away from this drug. I need to get to bed. Thank you everyone on this site and especially to you two who are on this journey to recovery! I am going to use both of your day number progress to keep me motivated. Good luck and keep up the impressive hard work in the right way!!! My motto just like changing a diaper “this is important. It may seem trivial but this is important. “ quitting adderall is important. The little days may seem trivial and slow but they will add up. More of a pep talk to myself sheesh I’ve lost it. Goodnight and good luck!!!

@NurseAddycongratulations!!! So impressed with you and you describe everything perfectly what I want to get rid of. I might have to read this every day.

I am SO impressed you are on your 5th day! Keep going!!! I think it’s that feeling that you are describing that scares me about quitting. I am going to try again tomorrow. I said I was going to throw my pills away and I haven’t. In my head I told myself I would continue my wean down (I took 20mgs today vs the 120mgs I was taking in January when I realized I had a huge problem). The fact that there is a whole website devoted to kicking this drug should remind me that this is no easy thing but also to STOP taking it. Clearly is causes major issues and has in my life and the lives of others so whyyyy do I think I need it?!! I’m so disappointed in myself for not doing it. I worry I will fail at doing something for my kids or house or husband or dog or extended family or friends or community but in reality, like many people on this forum, adderall only makes me ThINK I am successful/productive.

I do too! But I am sad to report I caved and took 20mg today. I am mad at myself and can give an excuse and blame it on this or that but the truth is I couldn’t handle the intense fatigue and gave in around 2pm. I asked my husband to give it to me. I said I would quit by New Years. I took 10 mg then took another 10 around 6 to get laundry done tonight. Ugh. I know why people can only do cold turkey - bc once it is in your system you think you need more. I am goi g to get some l tyrosine which I have read works for people. I had caffeine this morning which I rarely do bc of all of the stimulants and it made me feel weird and angsty. Or maybe I felt that way bc I hadn’t taken my morning dose? 3 days is the longest I’ve gone I’m sad to report. I use my kids and housework and needing to get stuff done as an excuse. It should t be. I need to stop with the excuses. I have been trying to read as many peoples stories on here, listen to the daily stoic podcast for motivation but I don’t know why I always cave.

I can’t believe I actually posted on here. Delaney and Georgia let’s do this!!! We know we can!!!! We truly do. It’s all in our mindset.

I have been reading this website for years and am so thankful for it. I am so ready to be DONE. I am half the wife and mom and friend and neighbor and human I want to be. I am so tired of feeling like a machine with a checklist. I want to be adderall free. I have taken it for too many years. I am DONE and finally writing on this website to state it! I’m scared but excited. I have 3 young girls under 5, a crazy dog and wonderful husband who has been helping me wean down. The problem is I keep finding it and taking my 30mg dose. I tell him but he keeps trying. Now it’s under lock and key but he gives me 20mgs per day. During the pandemic I got up to 120mgs with Xanax and or alcohol at night. I find when I give up alcohol I am able to not take or take much less adderall. The other night I had my last hurrah with alcohol- getting so drunk I didn’t realize I cut my foot dancing at a neighbors party. I am better than this. Adderall has made me rude, short, neat freak who has forgotten how to daydream and enjoy life. I do not want to be a pill popper and bad example to my daughters. My husband has my pills and I’m going to tell him to throw them out. My sister recently quit adderall 2 months ago and said life is so much better, more fun, gaining 10 lbs is nothing verse the life she is enjoying. She said she had one day where she relapsed and was cranky and just wanted to be on her phone ignoring the kids she has grown to love and Nannie’s for. She continually tells me to take the plunge. I am scared. Oh so so scared. But I am never proud of myself for anything I do bc it is the adderall doing it for me. I want to join you in the 30 day challenge. There are SO many motivating stories on here. I am going to go sober. I can’t take the substances. My doctor is so quick to give me anything I ask for. I am now a pill head and it all started with adderall 10 years ago. Today I end it. I will check in every day and want to join you all! We can cheer each other on! I am so inspired reading old posts of people being there for each other. So incredible! I want to be writing in this time next year telling everyone else that it is possible. I want it more than anything.