@GeorgiaRigby@DelaneyJulietteboth of your words are like reading my diary minus the success you both have had with your consecutive days!!! A few days ago I threw all of my pills into my daughters diaper pail and took out the trash. I have honestly thought about digging through the diaper pail - how insanely pathetic is that. Also clearly shows me how badly addicted I am. I need to accept it. It’s and addiction. My family then tested positive for Covid so not the best timing to be quarantined and having no access but my husband reminded me (as has my marriage counselor and this amazing site has) - there will never ever be a good time to do it. So why not now? I kept 5 mgs for the past few days so I haven’t even had a day 1 and I still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. And SAME- I ate tons of sugar cookies, have bad cabin fever combined with this weird feeling, not feeling great from Covid but I am trying to do what I’ve been doing to come down from the larger quantities - my calm meditation app, reminding myself this too shall pass and how badly I want to be like nurseaddy and Cassie and all of the others on this site who have said they have done it, it wasn’t easy but the hard part made them come out stronger on the other end. My butt might also come out bigger but lol I’ll take it! One thing I’ve struggled with in my abuse since the pandemic is how much I was taking and then yes also using Xanax to come down at night- my skin picking got out of control and I also look like I’ve aged significantly. I’m 34 and for the first time in my life have horrible acne and my face looks dehydrated, flushed and my undereye bags are awful- so much so my MiL has been suggesting creams for them. If that is what my outside looks like it’s reflecting my inside. It’s scary how much work I have to do on myself. Also my muscles are so sore (and this is me not even have totally quit or gone 1 single day just lower doses of 5,10, 15 or 20) that I can get myself to exercise. The body aches are brutal and the discomfort. My skin is going crazy too. One thing I did was Google pictures of people before and after drug addiction. Some of adderall which led me to some of meth and the before and after pictures are wild. And motivating bc I keep reading adderall and meth are one ingredient different. Exercise was how I used to control my adhd pre adderall. I’m trying to do the meditation but besides accomplishing that I felt like I could hardly do anything. I had no desire to clean the house which is quite different than my adderall infused days. This is weird. Also, I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliette I have 3 and want 4 but tell myself I don’t deserve 4 if I can’t even handle 3 without adderall. I have also been listening to a helpful podcast called adhd for smartass women. The host is hilarious and also tried adderall and vyvanse and hated it. She has guests on that some take medication some don’t but I love that she advocates for the non medicated route and instead wants womeb to embrace the adhd brain. I have always felt different and once I had adderall I thought I could be the “neurotypical” person I thought I had always wanted to be. Turns out my husband and friends who knew me before I started taking it like the old me. During my first two pregnancies I was so chill and happy bc I didn’t take it. Then pp I would stop breastfeeding almost to be able to take it again and for my 3rd baby some doctors said it’s ok to take adderall to make sure the mom is mentally fit and I regret it to this day. I was whacked out in my pregnancy and can’t tell you all the number of times I cried bc I thought I ruined my daughter. She was an impossible baby and shook when she was born. Now she is 2 and amazing, happy and healthy and my sweet husband assured me she’s fine and to not blame myself but oh how I wish this drug never found it’s way into my life. I feel like every problem she will ever have I will blame myself for. Even before I started taking it I was so anti pills. I started at 24. Couldnt sit in an office to save my life. Then somehow adderall became my life. I am going to have to get through day 1 tomorrow without it. I am totally out. This is good I know but ugh the discomfort from the low doses whew. I got some Wellbutrin which I feel annoyed at myself for getting on yet another pill and my husband hates my doctor who gives me any pill I ask for but I am telling myself just a little Wellbutrin to get me through this time and then once I can exercise again I will do that. Sorry for rambling. I can’t even believe I am sharing all of this. I also tried some weird bulletproof brain pill today that made me feel whacky and my husband is encouraging me to just let my body be. I’m so thankful for him but also I am so ashamed that I am down this bad of an addiction rabbit hole. I feel like an idiot but at the same time weirdly proud of myself for finally finally finally throwing away my pills. I had my doctor switch my prescriptions and to have my husband pick them up. That’s how bad it is and yet she still prescribes me. I want to think she has my best interest in mind and wants to help me but even after I told her during the pandemic I started abusing them and everything else she still prescribes. My other doctor- my gp told me the amount she was prescribing me could have killed me. He told me I should go to rehab but I am too ashamed and know I can do this on my own. I really do. Because of this forum. And because I love what it says on one of the pages that we are over achiever types who have always been determined and thought adderall was the magic key to better ourselves. And we all know here. IT IS NOT. Thank you for letting me rant. I have so much work to do on myself and worry about the housework, keeping my kids on a schedule. I am very much the classic adhd who cares about the schedule let’s have fun/impulsive but also used to be very driven but would get frustrated when I would get distracted but with adderall then became scary let’s mop every inch of the house driven thinking I was queen of the world for being so perfect or productive. I don’t even know. Thanks for letting me ramble. Holy hell admitting this makes me want to get the eff away from this drug. I need to get to bed. Thank you everyone on this site and especially to you two who are on this journey to recovery! I am going to use both of your day number progress to keep me motivated. Good luck and keep up the impressive hard work in the right way!!! My motto just like changing a diaper “this is important. It may seem trivial but this is important. “ quitting adderall is important. The little days may seem trivial and slow but they will add up. More of a pep talk to myself sheesh I’ve lost it. Goodnight and good luck!!!
