Evie25

How many of you are dealing with actions you’ve made in the past, when you were on Adderall? Right now I’m feeling intense hatred for myself and sadness. I guess this is what everyone means when they say that things don’t automatically get better simply by quitting the Adderall. My boyfriend just broke up with me last week, and I’m devastated. I don’t even think we were right for each other, but I feel like I’m clinging on to him for dear life. There were a number of problems, but I can’t shake the feeling that a large part of what lead to our breakup were decisions I made on the Adderall. I cheated on him several months ago (when I was on Adderall) and cheating is just NEVER EVER something I thought I could do. I was coming down from a nasty crash and wanted someone to talk to...that person ended up being my guy friend and you can guess from there. The guilt is still killing me, as in it’s really hard to function with losing him and knowing that I did something so unacceptable. I don’t want to blame it on the medication, because it was still my action and nothing excuses it. Even right after the cheating happened I resorted to cutting myself because I felt so guilty, so I knew it was wrong. So now I’m left wondering if things I’ve done in the past were even me, and feeling so confused about who I am and decisions I’ve made. I know the best thing is to move on and try to learn from my experiences, but my self-esteem is so low right now that’s hard to do. And yes I’m in therapy-big time

I want to thank everyone for their responses, which really helped me with my resolve to stay off the adderall. This week, I'm finally experiencing mental clarity. I feel more motivated, my work is going better. It feels great!! I just need to keep it up and not doubt myself. I'm sure I'll go through rough patches again, but even a week of relief is encourating to me. Just reading your responses and reminding myself why I decided to go off it was a tremendous help. I'm not confident enough to say I'll never go back on it again-and I feel that puts too much pressure on myself and then there's a greater chance I'll relapse. I can say that I will take it day by day, and each day I'll try my best not to give in.

Thank you, I needed that. Because that's exactly what's going through my head when I think about going back on the adderall, "screw everyone else, I like me just fine on it." And yes, if my close friends, boyfriend, etc. are telling me something is wrong when I'm on it, I need to listen to that. I think I went back on it after 6 months because I didn't think I was doing well enough at work. Not because I received negative feedback from my boss, just had this internal feeling of inadequacy that was getting under my skin. This recurring thought that I am "slow" and "stupid "off adderall. The sad part is that I was feeling better off it. Maybe only marginally, but I was on my way there. And yes, I think I just stopped using, without making enough other changes in my life, changes that would fulfill me off the adderall. I need to overcome my insecurities and have higher self esteem if I'm to stay off it. Ignore that voice that says, "sure, you could stay off it....but do you want to be stupid and slow?" Thank you so much for the advice.

Feeling so discouraged about staying off the addy. I quit for over 6 months, then relapsed several times after that. I am off it again, but I just feel very apathetic and disinterested in life. It's like I'm seeing everything in black and white, with no colors. I'm on lexapro for anxiety and depression, but lately my anxiety feels out of control. Part of me thinks maybe I'm just exhausted from going on and off the addy so much. The other part of me thinks that maybe I'm just better on it. At least I can get my work done properly, though I may mess up all my relationships with people. Every guy I've dated has problems with me being on it, because they say that I become a different person. I don't think I make decisions on the addy that I wouldn't make off the addy (which was what I initially thought). I think I just reach those decisions faster without so much indecision. In other words, I feel like everyone else dislikes me on it, but I am ok with myself. Denial? I'm not sure. I am lying to myself, probably, just can't find a way to like myself on the meds or off the meds. I really need to have a stronger resolve if I'm going to stay off it.

The scary thing is that the "Dr" in the movie wasn't too far removed from reality. He reminded me of the Dr. who first prescribed me adderall. Just handing out the prescription with very few questions asked. I remember him asking me if I have an addictive history and I said "no" because I'd never done any drugs. But that doesn't mean I don't have an addictive personality. Now that's been fully clarified, thanks to the adderall.

Sky, Just watched it (after reading your post). I really liked it-especially the part about how he acted when the Dr. gave him Ritalin -hilarious. Thanks for the recommendtion

Lexapro-couldn't have quit adderall without it. Tried quitting before and would get very depressed, didn't want to get out of bed. Lexapro lifted that cloud so I could function. You still feel like yourself on it and it's not hard to stop, so I think it's relatively safe in that aspect.

Falcon, <p>Thanks for your advice.I went to%2

So very true. Thanks for posting the video, listened to the whole thing and liked it very much. Both the intro when the lyrics come in.

Quit-once, Wow, this is such a great way of looking at it. I never thought of it this way.

Cassie, Thank you for pointing out the obvious, with the exercise thing. Exercise and healthy eating has always been very important to me and lately I've kinda let that slide. I don't think I'll ever feel good without those things, so I have to make sure that if nothing else right now, at least I exercise after work and eat healthfully.

Cassie, This is exactly how I feel about self help books. I have at least a few sitting on my shelf that therapists advised I read. But they have never done much for me, and when I read them they always end up feeling like pages and pages of instructions on how to force myself to feel better. This isn't to say I shouldn't take actions to better myself, but the self help route has always felt very superficial to me too.

Thanks, I think it's reassuring to hear that other people feel like this 5 months along. Some days are ok, but other days really do blow. I feel guilty about watching TV when I come home from work. But lately that's just how I feel. So you just waited until your natural motivation came back? Didn't force it?

You look tweaked out as hell on the 1st picture Let me guess....

I'm 5 months clean, but lately feel SO discouraged. I thought my motivation would come back by now, but I am so apathetic, empty, don't have interest in anything. I go to work, come home, and then just zone out. I get some exercise biking to and from work, but lately I don't see a point to do more than that. I'm disgusted with myself, and don't know what to do. I know being on addy is no way to live, but if this continues, is this a way to live either? Should I just force myself to do stuff, instead of waiting until the motivation to come back? I can focus at work if I have a deadline ,so I wonder if my inability to work is all in my head sometimes. I know there are a lot of you going through similar feelings, so just am hoping for some advice.

I'm on a combination of Lexapro and Wellbutrin. Honestly, I don't think I'd have been able to quit the adderall without the SSRIs (5 months clean now). I think part of the problem is that I was using adderall for my depression, which obviously was a bad idea. I don't feel SSRIs are addictive at all-have been on and off them for most of my life and it's never been a problem going off. I think more people should consider this option when quitting. Not all drugs are bad

I struggle with the boredom every day. Everything seems so damn monotonous and dull. I fee empty inside and wonder what the point of everything is and why I don't just go back on the addy But then my friends/family tell me that I'm so much better. So I tell myself something must be improving? I guess part of the appeal of the adderall was that it added that excitement and intrigue to the most boring tasks, because I crave that rush. Don't really have an answer to this, just that I empathize. The only thing keeping me from going back is remembering how horrid I felt on the adderall. No sleep, paranoid, that tweaked out feeling. At least now I feel more like myself.

Kathleen, Thank you for your words of support. By the way, I've read many of your posts on here and find them so inspiring. They have been a great help to me at my lowest points.

I have to really watch my alcohol intake. I never drank much alcohol before/while I was on the adderall, but now I find myself consuming large amounts just to escape. I've felt insecure, empty and unmotivated since being off the adderall. I've had a few good days, but it's a constant struggle. I sometimes just need to relax and even exercise doesn't help. So then I turn to alcohol and it makes me feel confident, at ease. I'm aware I'm just trading one addiction for the other, so obviously I need to nip the alcohol thing in the bud before it gets out of control. The withdrawal just sucks, there's no way around it and I'm going to have to accept the awfulness of it I guess instead of using other substances to numb myself. How have you been doing without the alcohol?

ashley6, Thanks for the advice. It's funny what you said about thinking you were superwoman on the adderall. I got through college with good grades without the adderall, yet somehow now I'm convinced I can't function without it. Yet what did I really accomplish on it? I'm not sure anything meaningful, though every mundane task felt critically important in my tweaked out state. Still, every day at work I'm constantly analyzing how slow I am or how long I take to do things, comparing it to my adderall days. Like you said, I just have to remind myself that if I start again it would quickly go downhill again. I wish you luck on your classes. I think half of the battle is the insecurity and fear.

I start a new job next month, and am pretty much terrified. I've been of addy over 4 months, but I am so insecure of my abilities. I feel "foggier," slower, stupider. It's all been ok at my current job, because I've been there long enough to know what I'm doing. However, I am so afraid of failing at my new job without the addy-feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I know if I start taking it again, I'll work much faster, more efficiently. It will help me get off to a good start. But then I know it'll all go downhill again and I'll lose myself. Not sure what to do, just wondering if anyone else has had the same experience with starting a new job/school off the addy.

InRecovery, Good to know there are other people feeling this way as well. I'd definitely say I'm also in the 'whatever this next phase is' stage. Maybe it's something we have to go through before it gets better? I sure hope so.How did you feel when you were on the lexapro in the past? Hope you start to feel better.

Edie, No, I haven't tried Cymbalta, but maybe I should talk to my Dr. about other options. I know that antidepressants can just sorta stop working, once you've used them for a while. From my past experiences, it's NOT been a good idea to go off antidepressants. Don't feel that all meds are bad, just the addictive ones (and SSRIS have never felt addictive to me). I too often feel I'm doomed to be depressed my whole life. You're right, we do have the choice to break that mindset, but it's a struggle.

Yes, I'm on lexapro and wellbutrin, prescribed my the same Dr. who I asked to cut me off from the adderall. I never told him I abused it, but I did tell him I hated the side effects. I decided to take the lexapro to help me quit the adderall. I'd tried quitting before without the lexapro and became horribly depressed. On the lexapro I've been at least semi-functional.

I've been off adderall for 3 1/2 months now and somehow the longer I've been off it, the more I miss it and want it back. In the beginning, I think there was some relief because I could sleep, my back didn't hurt from the hypertension, and I was so much more good natured. Now I'm finding it difficult to get through the day and missing the fact that addy brightened my day, even if only for a few hours. It made even the most bland, mundane days bearable. Now I feel disinterested in everything, bored with work, dead inside, but I don't really know why. I'm scared this could be my depression returning, as I've been on and off antidepressants all my life. And I'm also realizing that part of the reason I took addy was to diminish these depressed feelings. I am forgetting all of the negative side effects, no matter how much I remind myself, and missing that "rush," that high. Not sure what to do at this point, but if I had a prescription now, I'd probably get a refill (fortunately I don't).