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Zerokewl

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Posts posted by Zerokewl

  3. Confidence -

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Confidence is fragile and must be drawn from multiple sources that are true to you. Confidence is a practice. Confidence is in knowing your strengths and weakness and enjoying what you are good at while taking action to improve. 

    If you think 'a result' or 'a number' will all of a sudden MAKE you confident - you've got a huge disappointment coming.

    Find a process and take actions towards a goal that you want, but EMPOWER yourself during that process. If you believe in what you are doing and feel good about the decisions you are making and the actions you are taking - you can't lose.

    If you take actions that don't feel right or that you don't believe in with the hopes that the end result will make up for it - where do you end up if the result is not what you hoped for? How can one be confident with both a disappointing result and an inauthentic process? 

    Enjoy your process, strive to be better, be determined, persistent, and aim high. If the results don't come right away - keep going. Take the hits, fail better, be better, and eventually NOT giving up and finding ways to improve WILL get you where you want to be.

    "The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward." - Amelia Earhart

     

     

       This quote made me think about what confidence is and how to get some.

    • Like 4

  4. Almost at 8 months - mixed bag of emotions

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Sounds like you have a real live human emotions. Being nervous about the future, nostalgic of the past and ho hum about the present. I'm not as far along as you (almost 4 months) but I'm jealous of the place you are in.  Starting a new job and relatively content with my place in the world.  Please update us when you hit your next milestone. I really enjoyed your post and I think it helped me set some realistic goals. 

    • Like 1

  6. Going back on.

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Brandy, 

     

        My dismissal was complicated. Also I was never given a reason. From what I can tel  I really focused on paperwork and not a key client.  I really messed up the people and politics side of things. I was actually really good at my job, but I allowed people to take credit for my work and became a scape goat.  I worked in Advertising a very political world, filled with dishonest ego maniacs. I am glad my career in that industry is  over. It really is a unsustainable life.   

  8. Ruining my life months after quitting.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Sorry about the sucks dude comment.  I really did mean it a supportive way. I too lost my job/ career to adderall abuse.  Ironically one of the reasons I lost my job was saying stupid and unprofessional things like "Sucks Dude". I've never been good at the office politics.  Good at the job bad at the politics, very naive and too honest.  When I get back to the real world I need to change this.  Before I go back to work I need to read some books on office politics.  

    • Like 3

  9. Going back on.

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Feeling your pain man.  Every time I've got back on the train has been because of work.  From what I can remember it was always because:

    • I was working hard and not smart
    • way to critical of my performance compared to others
    • Didn't get my assistants to do their job assisting me.

     

      I was in advertising a pretty high energy, stressful and cut throat biz.  Looking back on it I did my best work when I was off the stuff but didn't have the confidence to realize it.  I'd go back on and would suddenly have some confidence in my abilities and my work.   

     

        The adderall got me fired eventually. So it was all for nothing 

    • Like 1

  12. Ruining my life months after quitting.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I'm sorry to hear you lost your job. I just went through this and can identify.  It seems like everyone on this site either gets fired , quits or get demoted from their jobs. I'm in the process of finding another job.  I don't think its because we are incompetent or haven't done our jobs. The Addy's just fuck with our social skills. Any ways I'm sure your not black balled,  that seems a bit extreme.

     

       I like watching sports comeback stories.  Check Vice Magazines profile of legendary skater Guy Mariano and his come back from drugs etc.   

    • Like 1

  17. L-Tyrosine dosage?

    in Supplements, Energy Drinks, and Alternatives

    Posted

    From what I understand with supplements like L-Tyrosine. If you take too much your body will just get rid of the excess. So if you notice bright yellow urine your body is getting rid of the excess.   Large doses can damage your liver over a long time, but this is very rare and the result of wayy too much.   The supplements work better over time. You may not feel the benefits of a supplements for 3 weeks. So  smaller doses consistently are the way to go. 

  18. Going Through Changes

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Tessa, 

       

         Glad you liked the picture.  Cycling has always been my Zen place. I need to do it more often. Looking forward to the beautiful fall rides coming up.  I really appreciate your help last night, my mind was racing like I was on Addy's.  Though I've stopped using adderall in some ways I still think like I am on Adderall.  

     

       Listening to a bunch of amped up hip-hop before I go to bed is probable a bad idea. The fact that an album has me all amped up & jiggity is a good sign i'm recovering. 

     

       I shudder to think what my life would be like without this forum.  I was such a mess before I quit I don't even remember my official quit date because I'd been on such a hardcore bender before I quit.   The realization that the horrible depression and lethargy was a symptom of withdrawal and not my failings as a human being. Made getting this far possible. I hope more people find this site. WIth only 1000 members I wonder how many people are going through this hell alone.    

  21. Going Through Changes

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Jon & Tessa, 

     

    Rode my bike 6.4 mi now standing here in the dark far from home. Watching trains go by in a beautiful prairie setting. Beautiful in only the subtle way the prairies can be.  I'm reading your words and I'm realizing the only person I need to impress is me. 

    Ive found an oasis... Denny's stopped in for tea &toast. Getting back to basics and recovering means forgetting about all my old bullshit. Proving to everyone I'm the best was a horrid existence. Ironically I over achieved to the point where everyone hated me. My work wasn't that good either. My best work is ahead of me. 

    Day by day, second by second i am getting better. Right now is better than yesterday. Whipping myself like a rented mule isn't moving my recovery forward. My recovery is a slow process that can be enjoyable. After all I'm architecting the life I want and I am a fucking genius.  Well I'm a ways from home so I should pedal myself home. 

     

    Jon soon you will have your energy back. Though sometimes misdirected I have too much energy. But I have ADHD and was always a little hyper.  Using my energy properly is a new challenge.

     

     

     11.1 miles cycled in total. 

     

    That being said thank-you for taking the time to post. I feel like I got a glimpse of the person I want to be. 

     

    photo from ride

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/95141581@N02/9468302515/

  22. Going Through Changes

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Total mental fog today. Didn't sleep well last night. Haven't felt this horrible in a while. My mind races and try to accomplish one thing or another. I fail , I second guess, go for a smoke, watch one more horrible netflix documentary. I feel like crying.   Listening to Eminem recovery album to gather strength to accomplish at least one of my goals today.

     

     I guess this is PAWS but I felt this way before addy's  its not all withdrawal. I wasn't perfect before Addy's. I have other addictions, self esteem issues. 

     

    Adderall gave me confidence. In my former life before I was fired for being a tweaked out chain smoker. I did everything for approval and the thing that drove me was telling myself I was worthless shit. Many told me I was a genius and behind my back a crazy genius with a lot of personal problems. Despite all this , I was a big shot.  Until Adderall gave me this weird superhero complex.  So I bought into my own bullshit. Becoming a crazed hermit who worked tirelessly for the approval of others.      My career was a beautiful mansion that I spent 24hrs guarding and defending so I never got to swim in the pool.  

     

        My inner critic is in high gear, an approval seeking asshole.  Who demands perfection and polarizes me with indecision and  self doubt. I need to change the conversation in my head. It feels like i'm going insane. Maybe I am.  

      

       I just want to get recovered faster. I want my old life back. Funny because my old life was hell. But I can't imagine the person I want to be. Typing all this makes me feel better. I imagine it doesn't make sense. I don't want to rush my recovery. I want it to hurry the fuck up though. I need to get back to life.  

     

    Going to clean my apartment and go for long ride. I can't lose another day to PAWS .  If you've managed to read all this gibberish thank-you. Putting one foot in front of the other. I need to move on. I must to do the things i need to do to recover. 

    • Like 3

  23. Picking up the pieces

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Congrats you are definitely on the right path. I did some pretty deceitful things while using and managed to  create some major debt too. I feel really guilty about a lot of things.  I think the great thing is we can now create the life we want filled with people and love.  I'm not as far a long (90 days ) so I'm glad to hear things get better. Congrats on completing college congrats on 16th months you've accomplished so much

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