kori

This is so hard ...I'm going to the er my left arm is completely numb. I want to stop cold turkey

I feel totally blank and its affecting everything.I am honest and told my bf why I'm so different because he pretty much are breaking up because of it. he doesn't get the severity I tell him its te meds and he keeps saying its.me

Yeah I have to stop immediately

I'm in such a deep depression, mixed with severe anxiety and am.completely anti social. adderall and all other drugs destroyed my life. right now I've made things so awkward and said the dumbest embarrassing shit while on this that I don't want to face anyone. I delete my Facebook because I am convinced every person on there is talking about me. I go out of my way and avoid situations so I won't have to interact with people. its completely absurd. the.only time I feel normal is when I'm taking an anti anxiety such as alprazolam. I have confidence, security, etc etc. but np doctors around here prescribe it. and SSRIS simply do not work. is there anyone around who can offer me some insight and /or encouragement ? Also IS there an alternative to benzos that legitimately works?? I feel like the ppeople on this site are literally the only people I can talk to. even my boyfriend gives me anxiety. I get so paranoid on this that I analyze EVERYTHING. adderall sucks all the good qualities out of a person, makes them BELIEVE they need it to accomplish things, and before you know it...its made you into a robot with effed up joints and motor skills....ok j could go on forever I'm gonna stop now

Just experienced my cousin dying. really feel nothing but the anxiety now and its hitting me

In the same predicament waronwar was but without the action. had a plan and everything but got scared and refilled . paying for it in more ways than one.hate everything

In retrospect, asking about the "love" part of the drug was unnecessary and not beneficial whatsoever. blame it on the drug for the "bright ideas". I am proud of you Jon, I hope everything goes well and you feel a sense of relief when its over!

Thank you for the.prompt responses and support. sometimes that is the only thing that pushes me through, esp during the beginning. I know I'm just not reaching my potential in life and its time to make a drastic change. I'm kind of scared and apprehensive to the depression I know will ensue but at least.this resource is available and I know that all of you genuinely care.

I'm glad you came back. you inspire me to conquer my own situation. I know plenty of people who don't take any drugs at all and life in reality doesn't seem too bad. its very desirable after having more negative than positive effects while on meds.

Thanks Jon...your advice is appreciated for sure. I actually wrote a post in "tell your story" since I read your response. I actually started to formulate a plan (even though I keep wrestling in my head when I ponder gaining weight and my fatigue back). My plan starts with not calling my psychiatrist for a follow up appointment next month. he just gave me my monthly supply, and I already abused my dosage once, however I threw out 14 pills. I get 90/month of the 20mg IR (3xD). I haven't counted but I probably have approx. 65 left. Because of my physically demanding job I think I am opting the taper method. I do know one thing for sure...I am addicted and I may rationalize and justify and fall ..but my true desire is to be my real self. whoever that is!

Love this whole thing. thanks for being so real and being so honest. there's a reason for everything...through you choosing to take the no bullshit route, it created such a good response,that I have gained A LOT just by reading this thread. and I know I'm not the only one. you suffering is not in vain - I believe there is a purpose .perhaps to show you your own strength and what you are capable of. Us "addicts" are for real some of the strongest and most intelligent people. Most all of us have been through hell and back 100 times over. I know people who are wealthy and have their own definition of success and that's good for them ..I know a lot of people who could never endure even HALF of the traumas most of us have been through.

Ok my phone sucks I mean to type "I know I am not alone here and it wrote " I know I am not sick here"...lol I am sick that's why I am here...and this time I am not looking for a prescription to make me well again.

BY THE WAY in retrospect that was not a quick synopsis, lol. sorry for the novel...and the false advertising

I have been self meditating and addicted since my boyfriend died in 2007. this is to a whole laundry list of drugs- iv heroin/coke, any and all benzos...actually scratch this ill just say I was addicted to anything and everything that altered my state of reality (with the exception of meth-never tried that, never wanted to thank God!!!) I have had periods of 'clean time' throughout my grieving process. the longest one being almost 2 years. I am proud to say that through my faith, my depression and suicidal ideation has cobeen completely lifted after struggling with it since I was 13. I haven't used a needle or done anything of the sort in a long time and have absolutely no desire to take on that beast again. currently I am only taking adderall (and vitamins, herbal supplements, OTC meds PRN). For the sake of boring you to death with the drawn out adderallic details ill try to keep this brief Upon finding this site, it blew my mind. I was overwhelmed with motivation and support from the members on here. I had intentions of quitting, but secretly wasn't ready to commit. I was enlightened tonight...through reading and posting I felt I had an epiphany. how can I be preaching out all of good advice, but not heeding to it myself? I cannot take my hypocritical self anymore, and I am looking to really do it- drop this stuff- for good. I am only in my 20s and have been through a lot of trauma and I'm only putting myself through more by remaining on this pill I abuse. yeah I'm terrified of gaining weight, but maybe I need to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin. the real problem here for me is insecurity, lack of self control/self respect, and most of all, anxiety. I worked through my 6+ year battle with depression. Maybe I am being overanalytical. Any advice, feedback, encouragement, stories etc are MORE than appreciated. I know I'm not sick be here people so help me get my ass in gear!!!

And waronwar , you asked, "will I succeed?" Sweetheart you already are. we always have all these dreams and big goals and absolutely DREAD the perseverance and character its going to take in order to get there. What's sad is we fail to see that the journey is just as, if not more fulfilling and important as the destination. you can't "arrive" anywhere unless you take the first step and choose life over addiction and slavery. You are more than worth it. in taking these steps, if not even crawling at first, you are already actively succeeding. who is to tell you the definition of success? Define it for yourself, change your perspective/mindset, and take the steering wheel and kick the addetall the hell out the car

Waronwar we are so much alike! I haven't been on it for ten plus years but it sure feels like it at times. its just so much easier ti keep abusing it, going on binges , and asking the doctor for more. but wait a minute-how in the HELL is that easy? I'm talking to myself here as well...the lifestyle, my lifestyle, I just mentioned, is not normal, healthy, or beneficial in any way. so why continue? The sooner I connect this intellectual knowledge to my heart, the sooner ill start actually doing what I say I'm going to do. ..achieving my goals through my own strength, not a pharmaceutical company. sorry didn't mean to make this all about me..I gotta drop the narcissism too!

Holy typo errors haha...I didn't meant to say a SWAT team will John down your door, lol. meant to say kick...and there are countless other typos. I'm sure you get the gist I don't have a lap top so the keyboard on my cell phone has to be sufficient for the time being!

Hey Quit-once....sounds like a desperate situation. I'm proud of you for not compromising. its so easy to have the "just one more time" mentality. you are leading by example and hopefully refusing to participate, you may have planted a seed of hope, that recovery is possible. I see this topic was posted some time ago, so this may no even be relevant to you anymore. but in my opinion, you may want to try setting boundaries. I understand you are open minded and non judgmental..two beautiful qualities to have. however, don't forget that you may be putting yourself at risk. II'm not saying you're goin to start using or that a SWAT team is gonna John in your front door. I was an iv heroin user for a few years. if a friend wouldn't put up with my selfish bullshit, I just moved on to the next one. I'm sure you've already tried talking some sense into your friends. when this doesn't work you have to ask yourself how much you are willing to put up with. addiction affects everyone involved-but the addict usually believes they are only hurting themselves. I take on other peoples burdens, but usually only if they want to help themselves. How close are they to you? In other words, if you wouldn't allow the shooting gallery and meth smoking in your home, would they still come over?

You are all so inspiring. its like a huge family here what better feeling to have continued, selfless support from people who have been through, and made it out the other side. inrecovery, I consider it a privilege to witness your life being transformed! Into the beautiful, determined, sound minded individual you were meant to be. you demonstrate perseverance; and that motivates me to also take the steps to become whole again. thank you!

My pharmacist told me that buspar is another non addictive alternative. I have not personally tried it, but he has seen positive results over and over. he said the same about paxil -I'm not sure if I agree with this but it may be an ssri that could work for your individual symptoms. sometimes we mask the anxiety with benzos and essentially never get to the root cause. For me it was post traumatic stress, flashbacks, insecurities, low self esteem, approval addiction, etc. once you realize your true self worth and just how beautiful you are, you begin to act differently, think differently, and in result your body will follow. you don't have to live in fear...more than half the negative things we tell ourselves aren't even happening and once you realize that you will experience true freedom. we weren't designed to torment and be critical of ourselves...but to love ourselves, and in turn, love others-my definition of life.

Hey there in my opinion, out of all benzodiazepines, xanax is the shortest acting therefore typically the most addictive of its class due to the rapid feeling of needing to re-dose. believe me, I understand anxiety and still its a daily struggle for me. if your physician feels its necessary, I would ask about ativan first. it seems to have the lowest abuse potential and is long acting. its also not overpowering, so you can experience relief but not be chasing a high. i have however been addicted to all of them and coming off of large doses of klonopin, ativan, and xanax simultaneously, was a horrible experience. I'm talking full blown panic attacks, sporadically, that I barely had control over. the first step in conquering anxiety is awareness and realizing that its very psychological. you have control over your thoughts, breathing, and actions. sometimes we just need to talk to someone. look at it this way-can you picture yourself relying on a med for the rest of your life?I'm not knocking it, it definitely has therapeutic uses at controlled doses . look at your motives-why are you using it? Is it a crutch? Don't believe the lie that you are weak and absolutely need this to ffunction when it could possibly be alleviate through cognitive therapy. look at all if your options-xanax is not the cure all-at least not in my case. I've overdosed several times and it was scary. side note-I take valerian root, an herbal supplement , that seems to at least take a little bit of the edge off. hope this helps! :)

Thanks so much for the encouragement guys it really does mean a lot. I hate being a robot and want to quit for good!! Thank God for this website..

And naturally, I critique everything and see there were a few typos...I'm using a cell phone. and currently hating the fact that I feel its necessary to apologize for such a thing lol...funny but not funny..how obsessive the mind becomes on this garbage

Hello all...I am new here but not new to addiction...that's 100% accurate :/ I want to know...how was your relationship/experience with the drug? And what methods/activities etc did you replace the drug with once you quit (or are in the process of quitting)? For me, I always loved researching. especially psychology and/or nursing material. however I HATED how is pull unnecessary all nighters , with work the next day, unable to stop absorbing information . I wasn't even in school...it was just an insatiable desire to expand my "intellectuality "..the list goods on but id like to chill for a second and actually see what others have to say instead of being so hyperfocused on myself.

Wow panda seriously, thanks for Sharing that. I can totally relate. I recently quit for two weeks but with my addictive personality and the excuse that its legal I picked it up again. however I am determined to quit. so much that I refuse to make a follow up appointment with my doctor because I want to cut off my "supply". I have so much anxiety and insomnia I really shouldve never even considered a stimulant but I wanted to lose weight and I convinced myself I had all the symptoms of add and I was the perfect candidate. now in retrospect I see its so impossible to keep taxing my body like this and depriving myself of sleep joy peace nourishment and basically a balanced diet. lets face it...we may lose the weight. but we look and feel unhealthy the majority of the time, and essentially live pseudo lives. well that was definitely a rant, hope it wasnt too scatter brained as I'm going on literally no sleep. what is your status as of now?