Luckyducky

Justin yes day 4.., I broke down and had an Starbucks energy drink because I had a late meeting after work. I try not to drink them but once in awhile it's okay. I actually don't feel to bad because I used very little on my use days last week. I go to bed early that helps. I'm sure the boredom after work will get better. Still looking for a therapist in my area too.

Sweetcaroline : congrats I bet u feel so much better. The first 30 is a huge obstacle ! Ashley6: thanks for that I made about 10 calls only one call back and didn't work out. So I am making 10 more tomorrow ! Thank u Jon & jaymeyer. I had a crappy day at work but refused to use and working hard not to fall into a victim role. People just are mean sometimes and that's not my problem.

Hi I just wanted to check in I had a successful weekend. I made a lot calls Friday to start therapy With an addiction specialist. I also read a lot about how to get motivated and I actually tried it and got enough done around the house to feel satisfied. It sounds like everyone is doing great. I just keep reminding myself to not give up and keep getting back on the saddle!!!

Sweet Caroline: I agree with everything u said. I don't give my son his meds I have someone else give it to him or I would be tempted. My kids psychiatrist also knows about my addiction . He is also mine because I am on lexapro. My regular doctor and all my other drs know too. Believe it or not I never had a dealer because I didn't know how to find one. I had almost 7 mths clean off adderall which I forgot because when I was inpatient I had a glass of champagne at a wedding and they count that as a relapse and one other time during that period I took pain meds and that also counted as a relapse. I only have one friend I take hers she is out now for a few weeks. I have been making calls the last two weeks to find an inexpensive drug therapist. My ins does not cover drug counslors so I have gone to a few therapist on my list and they were crappy. It does cover 100 percent of rehab so I was thinking of starting another outpatient program when my husband is done with his. What's funny is the only drug therapist outside of rehab it covers is Dr. Drew! (Funny side note ) I have also been honest with my kids therapist about my struggles. I love this site but I agree I need to get to the root of the issue. It's funny instead of TV or a book I constantly am reading on this website. I think it is a Godsend . I am also going to return to my churches 12 step program Celebrate Recovery. I just was nervous to share because I teach at an elementary and scared it would get out. I don't care about that anymore. Thank you if anyone is ever in the Los Angeles area I would love to me for coffee. It's on me!!

Thank you Freedom Wings for the encouragement. Today is a new day and I am not going to give up! Sometimes I just can't understand why this stupid pill that I hate so much has some kind of sick twisted hold on me. It's like I'm in a horrible abusive relationship that I keep going back to.

Hello everyone I have used the last day and a half. Cleaning my house is the biggest trigger. The reason I have a really hard time is because in the beginning of 2013 while I was doing my outpatient program and working really hard I learned to prioritize and not let my house be such a trigger. The amazing thing was I finally learned how to balance my house and when I felt that trigger coming on I would use my tools I learned in rehab. Well July 26 the day after I graduated from my 7 mth program I broke my foot (jones fracture) I was put into a cast and had to be off my foot for 12 weeks well about 8 weeks in my oldest son came to me and said he was suicidal and depressed and couldn't handle the stress of the home and felt he wanted to go away and get help. So I put him in an inpatient program for teens. Meanwhile my first grader (extremely adhd impulsive ) was have a horrible time in school and parents complaining wanting to bring in lawyers. I did not want to medicate my son but 1 week before my oldest told me he was suicidL I put him on stimulates and put him in a social skills class and weekly therapy. Back to the oldest while he is in this program I am required to attend 2 days of therapy with him and all day sat family group with him. So now I am attending 5 days a week therapy with my boys. I also have. Daughter (not add) who is playing softball. So all my reg NA meetings I was a attending get pushed aside of course. So this is the camel that broke my back my husband had been sober off pot & alcohol for 8 yrs. and sober from everything. I start to suspect my husband is on meth. This where I start using addy again....Back to teen son in therapy he keeps complaining how I don't take care of the house and the laundry is piled up and it's a huge trigger for him. I explain to therapist how my foot has been broken and I have been in a outpatient program for 6 mths prior. He comes down hard on me and says there is no excuse your so s mental health should be the most important thing and if you want him to come home you have to take care of the house and hVe a peaceful home for him (the little adhd boy drove him crazy too). Good news the meds and therapy worked great on my little one and he is off to a great start! The teen and I have to do a contract and I am to keep the house and laundry up on a daily basis so he does feel anxiety which leads to suicidal thoughts. So now were are at the end of nov. I am approved to walk with a walking boot and go back to work. My teen is also coming home in a week and my husband is cracked out! I make him take a pee test it comes up dirty so I make him move out into a so er living and he starts a outpatient treatment program. By the way he has always thought my addiction to pills was a joke and I am weak! He has never supported me. Well my son comes home and I am on the roller coaster tring to quit. 4 days clean 2 days use 5 days clean 4 day use...my husband has come home and he is self absorbed in his recovery and can't help with anything. My teen has been calling me out in and out of therapy in the the last 3 weeks because I have really been trying to not use so the house/laundry is horrible. So the guilt of the house and I hate the mess too always flippen pushes me over. I know it's no excuse but I felt I should share my year from hell. I feel like I put myself and my sobriety first for the first half of the year and did great but now I don't know where to turn except here. It's really hard for me to share my story because I feel like people will judge. My addition started 3yrs 3 mths ago and my life was really good (not make believe good) I can't help but blame myself for everything that has transpired in the last 13 mths. Sorry about typos/grammar and so long...

Freebird I love the post above where u said u missed out on a lot . I can totally relate and sometimes I get really sad about that. I know I can't get it back but I have to say my biggest blocker is I try to remember I may not get back those years but I can make new memories and enjoy the future. I have to say I have really enjoyed my kids this last week and half.

Thank you Free bird and sweetcaroline!!! Today is day 4 and I gave my sons add meds to my oldest in a Sunday thru Saturday pill container so he can distribute it to the youngest so I don't even see it. I have shared with my friend but she is someone who has never Struggled or has any family members with addiction issues. It's my responsibility to own my addiction and I am the one who chooses to seek it. I do feel physically better today and my house is a disaster. The kids had to scramble to find clothes but I'm gonna let this go for now. I love someone's post about no motivation. I am also doing small task and just making myself start it and do it. It's amazing what happens when I just get up and start it!!!! Xxxxxxxooooooo

Just checking in again. Oh I barely made it today. I pray tomorrow with be less temptingðŸ™

I loved your story blueyegirl I could totally relate. I am sure I have always had adhd tendencies growing up but I learned how to compensate as an adult. When I started having kids my adhd was out of control and yes I lose everything, forget things and feel like a scatterbrained mom half the time. So although the adderall was great in the beginning and helped it turned a dark and scary corner at some point and once it goes there you will feel as though your in the pits of hell. Sorry so scary but I remember taking it after I quit my last addiction and thinking oh this is different I'm so productive. I am now 3 yrs in to this stupid addiction and constantly working on getting clean and instead of focusing on my daughters theatre preformance I'm focused on not using this week. It sucks so I lose my keys, cell phone, and everything else it's who I am. I'm not telling u this to not take it but to give u some insight. I did read that you ripped it up and I think that's great whatever you choose:)

Day 3 very tempted but went to Target instead! Thanks everyone. Great pix Freebird!

I feel better now but want to kill my husband. Just wanted to vent in cyber world.

Day 2 and home with the stomach flu!

Day one went well. My friend and I took out to daughters to a place called "the Grove" in LA (outside mall) It was a warm sunny day here and we went to lunch and windowed shopped. Tomorrow church and I will try to stay busy. Maybe catch up on"Sons of Anarchy" and do laundry. I will check in and read alittle more. SweetCaroline Thank you for the encouragement. I don't have any pills at home I tend to mooch off a friend of mine. I have been honest with her but when I want it I am very persuasive. She does not abuse anything so it's easy. Not proud of my behavior . I don't go to school I am a 46 yr old mom of 3. Work and have Fridays off. The hard part for me is coming home with the kids. Helping with Homework (as a parent it's the worst part) lol. Dinner, laundry, baths and mixed in with alittle bit of yelling I get overwhelmed and want to use just to push through it and get what I need to get done because I am exhausted. My habit in the the last 6-9 mths is off 3-5 days (addy) then on 4-7 days. I have to push through it. I love the Michael Jorden quote! It's funny most of u are a lot younger but when I was in my outpatient program I always clicked and related to the 20 something college kids.

Day 1 and thank you Ashley6 and Justin for the advise I took it and I somewhat figured out the pre-trigger to the trigger to using. I will keep pushing ahead, reading and posting!!!)) I have a busy day outside of the house so that will help!!

I used this afternoon....guilt of not doing housework. I will try again tomorrow . It seems I always get to day 5 or 6 and use again.....ughhhh the guilt sucks!!

Day 5 this day has always been the hardest because it's my day off without kids or husband. I will be reading/re-reading the article on here today! Thank u Justine for the support!

I detoxed a few years ago off opiates and the depression part was the worst. I read that is was PAWS (post addiction withdrawl syndrome??) it really helped me remember that the depression is the chemical change happenng in my brain. It lasted about a 6 weeks for me. Is it the same thing coming off addy?? I was clean those 6 weeks then shortly after that I have struggled with my adderall addiction. I just want to be happy like I was before I started all my pill issues. I am a true addict!!!

I have to say everytime I have had some clean time In the past the hardest time was 3-5. I get home from work with kids and am completely overwhelmed with dinner, chores and kids homework. I let my self this week take a 45 min nap when I get home. I have always felt guilty for naps but it's better guilt from a nap than guilt from my old friend addy.

Day 4 I made it barely. I had a strong temptation but remembered everything I read on here and how I have enjoyed not using (feeling guilt) the last few days. I also listen to Save Me by Shinedown at least 3x a day. I have a recovery meeting I used to attend and I am going to go on sat. Thanks everyone!

Day 3 Today is a very busy day so I know it will be a struggle but it's 7:30am here so I am posting before I leave hoping this will make me accountable! Thank you again for this website and it's members:)

I love that so much Freebird. It's nice to not feel alone in this. As a mom I always feel like I barely get anything done which is going to be my biggest battle "to learn to let go" I am going to try to post everyday and read all the articles. I'm glad to have a mom going through this with me. Thank u for reaching out it means more than you know:)

Day 2 and tired but hopeful and trying to enjoy the little moments I missed being high on addy... like my kids smile or my stupid dogs love for me...lol

Thank you Jon and Justin! I appreciate the encouragement !

My story started a little over 3 years ago. I was a stay at home mother of 3 and had a pretty good life. I had always enjoyed life and especially being with my family. I even loved my husband! lol In Oct 2009 I tripped and hurt my neck nothing too serious but after a few weeks in pain I was given Percocet. Never being addicted to anything and haven taken the occasional VIcoden for small surgeries I didn't think or know anything about pills then. So a year later of abusing pain med s I became aware I was addicted. I detoxed at home and only told a few friends to help me through it so I can keep my dirty little secret to myself. It was HELL but I convinced myself I was only physically addicted. So after about a month of clean time I felt so depressed still and had no motivation or desire to do anything. I decided to try my oldest sons Ritalin that was left over in the cabinet because he was put on something else. I hated the feeling at first but loved the fact that I got everything done! After a few days of taking it I realized I might get addicted to this too and didnt like the come down, so I flushed it! A few weeks later I was feeling overwhelmed because I had so much to do so I decided to try my sons "new" medication Adderall. This one is great the come down is not as bad as the Ritalin! I went and got my own script and i was off running! Someone offered me a job and I took it (being a stay at home mom last 13yrs) I am supermom I can do it all! Things are going great for a while.... I am working, cleaning house, social activities for kids and I cant believe I ever lived life without Adderall. Until 6 months in I am taking 90- 120 mg a day to maintain which meant I took some of my sons meds to keep up with my addiction. I began to isolate, ignore my kids emotionally, not want to see or spend time with people. My house look like a tornado hit it. I then realized I needed helped I went into an inpatient program which was okay buy I still didn't think I was like anyone or even an addict at that! Obviously I wasn't ready to get help because I was still in denial I was an addict. I kept relapsing on any ADD meds I could get my hands on. I went back on Adderall and my addiction was off again running . My life began to fall apart because of my emotional neglect of my family I could see things changing. I lost my social circle, let go as a girl scout leader and my kids were out of control because I had become such a flake! In Jan 2013 I entered the same outpatient program knowing I was a true addict! I was in the program for about 6 months and learned alot.The day after I graduated from my program I broke my foot and would have to be off my feet for 3 months! Well that meant letting everything go because by now I hate my husband and he does not help with any house work, kids homework etc.....I kept telling myself its okay if the house is a mess and nothing done its better than using.....until my oldest son (16) told my he felt suicidal and needed to go somewhere to get help. I put him into an inpatient program and we start the therapy program by this time the DR has allowed me to walk on my foot about 15 - 30 mins a day. My son complained how messy the house is and how I never take him anywhere or make dinner. I explain I have a broken foot but the therapist was an ass and didn't want to hear it. So now I go back to my Adderall addiction because that is the only way I can keep up (thats what I tell myself) So now here I am again addicted to that crap again and I have become a binge user this time around. I keep quitting for a few days then right back on. I have told all my doctors I am a pill addict so thats covered. I found this website and for the first time I feel someone gets whats in my head!!! Today I chose not to use and will try to reach out on this website because I am not alone. Sorry for all the mistakes I just needed to share. Mom Addicted to Addy