Luckyducky

I just want to share after reading the above posts something my therapist told me that finally made since why I I am having such a hard time quitting. Also because prior to my addiction of pills 3 yrs 4mths ago at 43yrs old I barely even took an aspirin and had maybe a sip of champagne at a wedding every blue moon. He explained that I now have opened a pathway in my brain from these pills that is now open for good so he said you now have to feed that pathway With healthy endorphins because to keep it fed. He said I have to find a passion (something physical) no matter what it is dance, yoga, running, working out or whatever produces natural endorphins. He said I also have to have goals with it to keep focused. For some reason that's when the light bulb came on and I get it why I just can't go back to who I was whenever I get some clean time. I kept wanting/waiting to become the person I once was and now I know that will never be. So now I have accepted the fact that this pathway I have created is here to stay and I can make something new, amazing and exciting out of this painful experience.

I just want to share after reading the above posts something my therapist told me that finally made since why I I am having such a hard time quitting. Also because prior to my addiction of pills 3 yrs 4mths ago at 43yrs old I barely even took an aspirin and had maybe a sip of champagne at a wedding every blue moon. He explained that I now have opened a pathway in my brain from these pills that is now open for good so he said you now have to feed that pathway With healthy endorphins because to keep it fed. He said I have to find a passion (something physical) no matter what it is dance, yoga, running, working out or whatever produces natural endorphins. He said I also have to have goals with it to keep focused. For some reason that's when the light bulb came on and I get it why I just can't go back to who I was whenever I get some clean time. I kept wanting/waiting to become the person I once was and now I know that will never be. So now I have accepted the fact that this pathway I have created is here to stay and I can make something new, amazing and exciting out of this painful experience.

Faust- I have doing the same thing for a few years. It's the drug that keeps us lonely. That's where it wants us to be so we depend on it. Remember the drug is a liar.

Hello Everyone Well I went to my first Hiking Therapy session today. I know hiking therapy sounds odd to some but here in L.A. It's not! It was close to 90 today so hiking all year round is common here. He is a Life Coach psychologist with a specialty in Addiction. Anyways it was so much better than I thought it was going to be. His focus is on the overall health of the person. He's direct no B.S. And gave me a lot of insight. The one thing I have to get is a support system that I can reach when I am triggered. I told him about I only have one right now my faceless website/forum... Lolol so do be surprised by my random vents! I am going to work on getting some here although that will hard since I am not fond of AA or NA. I wish I could share everything he shared but it would be a 10 page post. Thank you I feel because of all of you I am finally headed in the right direction. I cannot wait to encourage others someday On here:)))

Robin - thank you for such kind words yes I have been in a dark place and I keep praying to find my way through all this darkness. It sucks my 2 best friends are the only ones who know what I am going through. I am greatful for this site. I am so scared that when I get totally clean I will never be happy again or see the world as I once saw it:)

Thank you everyone. I remember when I was in my outpatient program and the head therapist called it "learning to sit in your shit" I think this is the hardest part. I have not been perfect in these last few weeks but have only done 15mg twice and it sucks. I moved up my therapy appt to thurs at 4pm. I feel like I am drowning. Detoxing off opiates was horrible but only using for 9 mths I was mentally back to myself in 6 weeks. I have been using a lot longer on adderall but for some reason it's killing me to go through it. I remembered how those 6 weeks felt like 10 yrs and that is probably why this is so hard. I was traumatized but I have to do it....

Thank you everyone. I remember when I was in my outpatient program and the head therapist called it "learning to sit in your shit" I think this is the hardest part. I have not been perfect in these last few weeks but have only done 15mg twice and it sucks. I moved up my therapy appt to thurs at 4pm. I feel like I am drowning. Detoxing off opiates was horrible but only using for 9 mths I was mentally back to myself in 6 weeks. I have been using a lot longer on adderall but for some reason it's killing me to go through it. I remembered how those 6 weeks felt like 10 yrs and that is probably why this is so hard. I was traumatized but I have to do it....

I am not feeling very happy. I am stuck in a funk. I actually don't feel at all. My therapist rescheduled till next Friday because I mentioned I was fighting a cold and he had a little one at home and didn't want to get her sick. Oh well he gave me more homework. I had to list my triggers which was easy. I feel like I killed my happy part of my brain! This sucks!!

Beth: congrats on 6 mths ! I am 47 and been on it for 2 plus years. The depression and lack of emotion is killing me. I feel like I will never be myself again. You give me hope:)

I have to say all those herbs helped. It didn't not make me high at all. Just awake and more alert that I have been.

So I went to Sprouts (Heath food store) I bought Lions Mane, L-tyrosine , fish oil and some tea. Has anybody tried these for improving your brain?

Hi thank u for the encouragement my appt is 9:30am Friday and I had to write the story of my addiction and a good bye letter to (adderall) it was a lot more difficult then I thought but empowering at the same time exp the goodbye letter. Everytime I hear that song "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gyote I think of my relationship with this drug. The lies it fed me. Sorry so deep just having a moment

Hello Rueban94 Your breaking my heart. I am still struggling but I refuse to give up trying. Even though I feel like I am the only one who screws up constantly and feel like giving up I refuse to let adderall steal my soul. I have kids your age and my one son had his heart broken to the point of a deep depression and drug use. Luckily we caught it early and he got the therapy he needs. I really recommend finding a therapist now because coming of this can bring anxiety and depression . I am finally going to see a therapist myself. Remember the adderall makes our problems better for a few hours but the crash makes your thoughts and problems 10x bigger than they are. I once had a god chunk of clean time and remember thinking I can't believe I let that person consume me. Keep coming on here don't give up trying!!!!

Hello just want to check in finally found a psychologist who is also an addiction specialist. He is exspensive but is giving a big discount. We went to high school together but we didn't know each other well at all. He does therapy In his two offices and also hiking/walking therapy so I chose the hike because I am so out of shape I thought it would be a good start! I also have to do homework. I am really scared for some reason to to deal with some issues. They have been so warm and safe inside and know I have to share how I really feel. Just wanted to get that out. I can't believe what only 3 yrs of using has done to my entire life. It's crazy I hope one day I can look back at this horrible experience and see the good that came of it but right now I am in the process of ripping the band aid off😧

Congrats Justin! How awesome it must feel thank you again for all your support. Have a Happy Adderall free day today!!!

Oyvey I don't know if u like to read but I have been on a lot if sight for quitting meth and they always include amphetamine (stimulants) in the sights. I got a lot if helpful ideas and diet programs, supplements and techniques to use during your time of recovery. One of the main things I have read over and over is that we need to eat 6-8 oz of protein a day. Also protein shakes are very helpful because it helps our dopamine levels repair it's self. If u want to know more I will give you the websites. I am going to trader joes this week and get all the food and supplements.

Frank and oyvey I love reading your posts!!!

Robin: I am glad u posted that I was always told that sharing things like that and even using dreams are important. I wish there was an Adderall/stimulants anonymous . I always felt like I didn't fit into the AA/NA groups. I was told I would click better with the Cocaine Anonymous group or Prescription Pill anonymous but they are really hard to find and pretty far. I relate to everyone post and really get it. I am also ADHD and because I am an addict I can not take stimulants. I have to just learn to cope and embrace my silly forgetfull self!!

So I spoke with my doctor which knows everything about my addiction and he said.. He would give a script if I really wanted to try it but he said it's used for overdose and poison intake and probably would do little to nothing. He said u will b foaming at the mouth and make u feel really sick. Which I decided against it. He said a lot of these sights will give info in strange ideas but unfortunetly there ain't no easy way out!!! Says Johnny Cash🎤🎶🎶🎶

Weighting4better: I am in the exact same boat! I am already overweight so I hate the eating part but the worst has been for me is keeping up with the house and laundry. I have no desire to use at work, functions, vacations but being home is overwhelming. I can't afford a cleaning lady at this time but I am going to have to figure out how to have one a least on e a week till I am more stable. I like the post about making dinners on Sunday and freezing. I will try that. My teenage son Complains constantly because he does his chores but I fall short. I also cannot stand the mess. It mentally messes up my head too. I am not a neat freak but I like it to be picked up. I have a active 7 and 9 yr old too!

So I have been doing a lot of reading online and have read in some sights that activated charcoal taken orally (script from doctor) can help with the detox and withdrawals. Has anyone ever heard of that? I am at my doctors and am going to ask him. I assume the charcoal helps with physical part not the mental part.

I got an appointment with a drug therapies and he said he will work with me and my insurance. Finally so excited.!

Oops I made a mistake it's called "stimulant use Disorder"!

http://www.acnp.org/G4/GN401000166/CH162.htm... I read this great article/scientific information on amphetmine abuse. It's very long and detailed but it gave me some insight that I needed. Also there is a term for all of us it's "Amphetamine Use Disorder". Look it up it's pretty interesting. I never understood why being 46yrs old and never having an addiction problem until 3 yrs ago. I didn't drink, smoke and only took Tylenol on the rare occasion. My pain pill addiction was a year battle but was fairly easy to quit. I have even had to take pain meds a couple days when I broke my foot and tossed the rest in the trash. I started use adderall during my pain med abuse. I have had clean time from amphetamines but I always go back. I'm sure I self numb but even when I get 30 days or so off of it and feel great it will hit me. I am hoping my therapy will help. I made more calls today and I feel hopeful.

I hate the depression part of coming off pills. When I came off pain meds (my first experience to addiction) the depression was unbearable. This time around it's more if a nagging depression. It makes me understand what people with depression go through and truly get it. I struggle with anxiety and mine turns to anger. I take lexapro for it and it keeps my anxiety somewhat tamed. Day 5 of not using I felt really low today and a lot of self pity but I am trying to remember it's my brain chemicals going wacky and it will level out someday. My church had a worship night tonight and even though I stopped going to church when my addiction was at it's lowest a couple of years ago I went tonight. Just singing and praying felt so good and for that 90 mins I had hope. That's my day 5!! Robin: I'm glad you posted I have been looking to say hi and tell you I admire you and your transparency helps me to open up:)))