Leroy Brown

FW, I'm not completely sober yet and not recovered yet so I can't give you same words of wisdom like others but I wanted to throw some encouragement your way. I know what you mean when you say rebuilding your life from scratch because I feel the same in a lot of ways. I lived a lie for 6 years and now I just want to be a hermit and figure this all out. But we're not starting from scratch. You clearly have the self-awareness to make this decision and come to this site and seek help and are asking questions. That's way far ahead of a lot of people out there. The re-shaping you will get from this experience will be valuable beyond anything you would have experienced otherwise. In a lot of ways, it's a privilege to go through such hell because it provides so much more depth and realness to our lives that no pharmaceutical or mind-altering substance ever could. Keep posting and just keep fighting through this garbage.

I had heard of those books long ago and never got to them - thanks for the reminder!

Last Thursday, I told 4 of my closest friends that I was addicted and that I'm weaning myself off of it. None of them knew that I was even prescribed it, so that was weird for both parties. They were all awesome (as expected) and very supportive, and will help with accountability. I went from 10mg/day to 5mg/day on Saturday. I broke myself up enough 5mg pill chunks for this week. Maybe I'll be at 5mg for a week or a month longer, I don't know. I was at 10mg for about 3 months before I made the "5mg Leap". Part of me wants to just go ahead and be done with it - that's the part that just wants to move on with my life. The other part of me will be methodical and calculated about removing this shit from my life - that's the part that was able to summon so much focus and drive before I became a pharma-junkie. Anyone out there have experience with weaning? How was it going from 5 to 0 (if you did that)? Irony...I'm having a more difficult time focusing in other areas of my life yes, but I have tunnel vision when it comes to removing this thorn from my flesh. It was nasty weather here this past weekend - snow, cold, and rainy ALL day, both days. All of my housemates and most of my friends were out of town, so it was just me and my dog all weekend. It was awesome. I did yoga, organized my climbing gear, read "The Fountainhead", watched "The Fight Club", listened to a sermon, cooked, did domestic chores that were far overdue, and hiked with my dog. I never drank coffee before, so I learned that whole process with a french press. : ) As so many of you have already said, I felt just a little bit more like myself and it was an ideal environment for me. Withdrawal symptoms... Even though I'm not completely off of it, I'm certainly feeling the effects, having been a 6 year user and a recent 40mg/day user. I definitely have less energy, fighting some burly depression, and it requires a lot of my mental capacity to focus on a particular task, but I'm finding that I do enjoy the challenge. The major thing I've noticed is that I'm having a more difficult time falling asleep - this seems so counter-intuitive. I drank coffee mid-morning so don't think that could be a factor. I did smoke a little pot to help me fall asleep, but that just got my mind going even more. Isn't that weird? Maybe I'm just not exhausting myself as I was with heavy Adderall usage... Good things I'm noticing...my breathing patterns are noticeably better (RHR in the high 50's now), and I am able (with lots of energy reserves) to summon a focus within me that is far more intense and genuine than anything Adderall ever gave me. Some of this has helped me deal with both the psychological and physiological addiction... Healthy ways (as Cassie suggested in a post to me) to harness the mind... I've found that rock/ice climbing, aikido, yoga, and weeding my garden all help me get into a "zen-like" state of mind and are practical/healthy ways to teach us how to harness the mind. Maybe find something that you can do regularly that doesn't just zap you, that will help you learn to train your mind. Not saying it will be easy. I thought I was going to pass out in yoga class on my lunch break today but managed to make it through and feel much better as a result. Eat healthy/exercise. Everyone else has touched on this multiple times, but getting those endorphins going after a run/hike is SO rad! I'm trying to get into a Naturopath in the next week or 2 to help me out some more in the right direction. I've been watching YouTube clips of fellow humans that just had insane focus in some manner or another. Michael Jordan, Steve Jobs, TED talks, etc. I watched a great interview with Mike Tyson last night. Talk about someone who messed his life up, and has embraced the challenge of achieving his goals in life - not other people's goals for him. Iron Mike is a fascinating human. Be good and just BE, everyone.

Interesting...I wonder why? That's awesome- stay strong. Thank you for being honest. I had a hunch it'd be that bad. How do you think the fact that I've been at 10mg/day for a couple months will impact that process, if at all? Were you ever diagnosed with clinical depression prior to taking Adderall? In September (contract-purposes), I'm quitting my white-collar administrative job that's 2,000 miles from my home, and taking a mindless, labor job and moving back home. Yes, I want it that much. Thank you for adding this - very encouraging. From my current lens, both are equally as scary, but I know that I have to do the former. Agreed. Thanks, Cassie!

Can’t believe I found this support group – been looking for something like this for a couple of years now. There’s so much that I want to write, but will stick to the basics for now. Here goes… Tomorrow I turn 29 and I want to not only be off of this junk by my 30th birthday – I don’t even want it be a part of my daily thoughts. Before I get to the ADD meds… When I was 20, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I was prescribed Effexor XR 75mg @ 2x/day. Took that until I was 26. It “stopped working†when the girl I loved cheated on me. I was advised by a nurse practitioner to “quit cold turkey†before I could switch medications. I did…and then had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the ER. It seems I haven’t really been mentally the same since (I can elaborate on this in another post) and that was 2 and ½ years ago. ADD Meds… I’ve been taking some form of ADD medication since I was 23. At that time, I was tested by a psychologist and tested “off the charts†for ADD. I don’t buy that now – I just wanted some stimulants to get me through my senior year of an intense double major and likely had attention-span issues like most people in the Internet generation. I was initially prescribed Concerta 36mg @ 2x/day. At some point (for insurance purposes), I transitioned to Adderall XR 20mg @ 2xday and then finally to (short-acting) Adderall 20mg @2x/day. Last summer I decreased myself to 20mg @ 1xday and since March of this year, I’ve weaned myself down to 10mg (1/2pill) @ 1x/day and many chocolate espresso beans when I have a stash. : ) I struggle with the 10mg and occasionally have bumped up to 10mg @2x/day “to feel betterâ€. Pertinent Medical history… History of multiple TBI’s (Traumatic Brain Injuries) – 14 or 15 concussions. One severe car accident with major head trauma. CAT scans did not show brain swelling. I’ve smoked marijuana (very casually) since I was 19 or 20. I rarely drink alcohol. Very rarely will eat psychedelic mushrooms in very small quantities. And of course the depression. Why I used it… I loved it at first. Totally helped with my depression and I became a machine athletically and professionally. I got so much done and learned so much because of those crazy little pills. I’ve never been one to take more than was prescribed, but also think that I didn’t “need†as much as was prescribed. Why I want to get off of it… I have become dependent on a pill to be effective as a human being – I’m okay with the anti-depressant because it is hereditary and is indeed a biological issue for which I am thankful for modern medicine. It’s bizarre that I actually have to wonder if all of my personal and professional accomplishments over the past several years were “me or the drugsâ€. It’s bizarre that I have to wonder if friends I’ve made over the past 6 years actually know “the real meâ€. The potential and unspoken long-term effects scare me and I want to minimize what damage I’ve already done. I can’t focus very well on it anyhow. Concisely put, I feel like I've been living a lie and am scared of the long-term effects of Adderall. Why I’m scared of getting off of it… Will I lose all effectiveness as a human being? Will I use all of my energy fighting depression? Has my brain lost its ability to function? Will I become an obese, lethargic blob? Am I going to be able to actually re-discover my passion in life? Will I have enough energy to pursue my outdoor adventures in the mountains? If you made it through the whole thing - thank you for reading. I could write so much more but have already blasted out an essay that would test all of our attention spans (I still have a sense of humor : ).