Traceme

I am a good partner when it comes to understanding that his recovery comes first. EVERYTHING else (including "us") comes after. I just want some company in the recovery room. He visits-I am thankful for that.

Again Grumpycat-if you weren't being honest and open and being able to use the phrase "manipulated by my feelings" I wouldn't know that you could experience such an emotion. Thank you-that must be why you wrote it-to help me understand Lil Tex I am going to sit back and enjoy the link now but I hadn't been on in 24 hours and wanted to check in first. Dadof3-I am happy to find comfort here as well. It has been a saving grace over the last couple of years. I have been walking the relationship tightrope for a while now. I always want to ask the question-can we make it? Does anyone make it? Walk away? After everything we've been through? Yeah...I'll be honest-sometimes I delude myself into thinking we can be the ones who make it-we won't be the statistic-we have all the tools-...but then-I look around-and I see the egg shells on the bottom of my feet-and the hot breath of paranoia breathing down my neck-and I realize-I have to look at it as walking away for the both of us. It seems so selfish of me to even consider leaving. I can grasp enough reality for the both of us right ?!? I can't ride two horses with one...well...you know. Although I do know what you're saying I am not there yet. I think I need to spend serious time thinking about if its time to start heading in a different direction. We are all a work in progress. xo

Such helpful and solidly insightful information. Thank you Lil Tex. To answer some questions yes, he knows how I feel and I have communicated many times and in many ways (some ways may of including shouting so not all good) the 180 change in personality. He hates talking about a lesser dose or even a natural approach. The stress melts over his face at the thought of not having this medication so I know he's not there with quitting. Thank you for affirmation to my alcohol replacement meds. Yes on the rationalizing as well. To boot, he is a family friend doc that his whole family has known for years. Good and bad all the way around. Every month is the same when it comes to running out...the vicious cycle. When day three or four hits(of being without)-he starts thinking and listening to the wise idea that this may not be working-Like grumpycat stated-the doctor makes all those feelings go away and we are back at the start line again. I do need some support. His family is great. We have all figured out that enabling isnt the same thing as love necessarily so that has been a tough lesson for all of us. One that took to long to master Im afraid. This has been a tough long road and one I am most willing to travel along-as slow and long as that journey could be-but I needed something else to go on other than my own past experience and trial and error overall. Thats where all my friends here come in. It makes me feel less anger and frustration when I hear that you don't really know what is going on when youre actively using-and abusing. My love went to detox for four days-God "took away the will to drink" and never attended one AA meeting. He was given Rx's and a hand me down AA book from his twin-and that's it. Healed. I see right through it all. I would never wish to be an addict. I think addicts are some of the strongest and smartest people I know. I have such hope for all. Thank you again for all the encouragement. I can't put into words how comforting it all is.

Thank you so much for this insight. These keys help me to understand-if nothing more-than what you are going through and how little I am part of that thinking equation-or lack there of. My hope of my love becoming a member is a faint hope to more or less protect my heart. As you know, that decision can only be made by one person. I touch on the subject very lightly because he highly agitates into an angry mob at the thought of being without something "he could likely be on the rest of his life." That is what I would call a realistic hope-one that has a flexible capacity for the amount of emotion I am willing to put into it. Never the less its good-and scary to know that they one day will be aware of things that occurred during this fog. I don't believe someone needs negativity to grow or build off of. Especially as a man as sensitive as my love. The adderall exterior of this man is chipping away at his heart-or at least the part of the brain connected to his heart. Its crushing. I applaud you and your effort to live without this stuff. You can do it-you figured out how negatively something like this can affect your life-it honestly seems as though that is a HUGE part of this battle-from an outsiders perception that is. Peace and thank you.

I am sorry that you went through that. I can only imagine how hard that is to think about now. I SO appreciate the insight to the thought process you had. What you described in that short explanation describes the last two years and our day to day interactions. I know right now its nothing he could describe to me. Not yet. Always hopeful.

When you say you were horrible to your family, did you know it at the time? Was that something you came to realize once you quit?

Thank you AlwaysAwesome. You have been as inspiration since my first visit here. I appreciate your kind words.

Quitters are my hero's. Even if you haven't quit this crap yet you are my hero for trying. You are my hero if you think you want/need to try quitting and you come here to read stories and find hope. If our common ground is nothing more than a shared hope for a better life-let us build from there. Straight to the point-key facts to know. 1. I love an addict (alcohol, adderall, gaba, suboxone) -We have been together almost 5 years. 2. My love quit drinking three years ago 3. Rx 90 -20 mg instant-they never last the month 4. Lives with twin who is identical in every way-Rx are the same 5. Simple math-180 20 mg instant-they usually don't last more than 20 days. 6. My love has been on adderall since Feb 2013 Since that February he has lost so much weight he's almost unrecognizable. He lost his job and didn't work for a year. During that time he's accused me of being unfaithful (I have not been) with more than 15 different guys-some I know-some I don't-some are even his family members. He has accused everyone of plotting against him-family trying to poison their food (his twin believes this as well) Drones flying over head and spying on them-police following them (which they think their families or I initiated) Thinks he's spiritual so he is untouchable (invincible) God complex-entitled attitude-I can steal this because they need it less than I need it-anything from any item at Wal-mart to anything their family might have that they "need." Telling me he will be here only to mock me when he never shows.... Okay-you can take all that and times it by 1000 because that is just scratching the surface. As an alcoholic he was more honest, although not completely-he never completed the steps and he "thinks" he is in recovery because he no longer drinks-so drinks have obviously been replaced with something else. He shows no emotion if I am upset or begging him to follow through with his word like dinner, sleeping over etc. I need some insight here. I can take it. Will he ever see the destruction he has done and continues? Does he really think his delusions are real? Does or will he ever feel remorse? (Not that I need or want this but he seems so robotic that I would love for this emotion to return) Do relationships ever recover? Once in a great while I get a glimpse of his heart-and it keeps me emotionally stupid until another incident occurs and I'm back to the lab in my brain trying to figure out something that I will never truly understand because I am not an addict. I hang on because sometimes I feel as though he's ready to quit-after the 10 days of hellish withdrawal and him forcing himself to go to his crappy job. But then the doctors write another script because my love is a champ at pulling himself together long enough to fool the doc into thinking everything couldn't be better. Please speak from your experience. No two people are the same however with this particular drug, stories seem to mirror one another in some way. I have the utmost respect for everyone on here and I wholeheartedly appreciate any insight. Peace. Praying for peace.