Traceme

That is an EPIC time to be off this miserable drug-and I commend you for it. Try to let some of that shame and guilt go honey. It will not serve you. You just helped countless others with your post-and the future is bright and it's where you will find your peace. You will find an employer someday that will look past mistakes and see the person. You have enough back round in nursing to get a job at a drug rehab center-maybe you can help another person face and conquer their addiction with the help of your experience. Keep it up and thank you for posting your story.

Those of you who know me through this website will probably know that those are the most profoundly devastating words I have ever forced myself to type. So much that I really don't know what else to say. Fuck you adderall.

This forum exists for a reason. Every story, every situation, and everyone here wants a better life. Welcome. I wish I could have your intuition. It's a beautiful thing.

I am a non-addict significant other as well. Keep educating yourself about her medications and her symptoms. It is been almost three years of adderall abuse and alcoholism before that with my love-and I can tell you that I have changed as a person. My empathy, compassion and judgement are at levels that I've always hoped for without ever having to go through what I have been going through with my love. It's hard. No lies-no sugar coats- it's just plain fucking hard. They cannot see themselves. Although I have found some good to take away from this nightmare in hell-I will say that my frustration, patience and anger levels have been-at times-off the charts. I am much better at staying calm these days-but if you can find the courage to just remain calm and keep your head about you-it will help keep some of the intense negative energy out of your arguments. Wishing you the best and praying for your strength- P.S. I love my love with all my heart-nothing will ever change that. Not addiction, not adderall - NOTHING-but you need to take care of yourself. It's good advice I have heard from many on this forum and I just want to pass on the encouragement. Take care.

I agree with the articles' perspective and overall feeling-but I would love someday for a study to be done that shows what brain activity is like for people-one on adderall-then a scan for the same person on meth. Maybe that's already been done. An addict is an addict and consequently an "educated opinion" or a thoughtful presumption will probably not be enough to evoke "I am quitting forever now!" light bulb moment-but maybe with attractive color coded MRI/CAT scans with figures and chemical make-ups to compare between drugs and before and after pictures of people-...blah blah---I am a hopeless non-addict who would give anything for a light bulb moment herself into the disease of addiction. Why oh why does this disease never seem to attract the attention or the funding to help our fellow humans find a cure for addiction. I still wish I would see more articles like this casually throughout my day. I am always hoping for some SERIOUS light to be shed on this subject WITHOUT some terrible, high-profile catastrophe being the only way people change it for the better.

Thank you Soul. It's so good to hear these things. As I was reading your answers I suddenly felt guilty for asking all of these questions. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the insight but maybe I should ask one last question (s). Is it hard to answer questions like these-or should I ask...do you think it's helpful to talk about this? Does it help or does it make people sad thinking about the past? Thank you again

Advice taken graciously. It took me a while to not be "nice." (pushover) I was not an equal and in my head that was always so important to me, but actually being equal or thought of as so was another thing entirely. Fortunately for me-I stick up for myself better now...although it really looks like I'm being a bitch to him.(Although I admit-after many months this too is starting to change for the better) There is love behind my attitude...hands down-without a doubt(Deep down I know he knows this)...but now I also love myself, and that's the true difference. I owe this knowledge to the only one who inspired/forced me to find it...my adderalic. If I only had to pick one thing out of this mess to be thankful for...I actually would surprisingly have a lot...but this would be number one. Thanks for your insight as well. It gives me a little wind in my worn tired sails.

Good for you. Good for you for trying to quit. Good for you for being honest with yourself. Just take it one day at a time. That's all we are promised anyway. So take each day by the balls like you did today. Take good care of yourself so you can take good care of all the people that you love and love you.

Heartbroken

That is great and I am so happy for you. Keep it up!

I hoped that quote would someday resonate with me too Dadof3... Not that I need someone to reflect in a negative way for me to feel better about myself-but so it makes you uncomfortable enough in your life to want to make some positive changes. Good questions as well Dadof3.

Yeah...well put Frank. He WAS productive-Its like when someone loses a lot of weight....and everyone tells them how good they look - when all the person who lost the weight has probably gone through hell and doesn't look that way by choice-but they are given positive feed back no matter how they feel inside-Sometimes you keep thinking you look good when you've crossed the fine line over to the other side...but all you keep thinking about are those positive comments you heard just a short time ago (or so thought)...my perceptions can be annoying but it's just my way of compartmentalizing my emotions. As to the ultimatum of me or adderall...well honestly the only reason I have never asked that is that I know the answer-I am just not willing to give up at this point in time-I am so damn stubborn that I know he will pick adderall over me-and here I am-still. I guess if I didn't know him before the at's I would of left him a long time ago. But I get beautiful rare glimpses of his true personality and I just keep fighting for him...even if its just me fighting. I realize what I am up against. My faith in him runs deep.

Thanks LilTex... I will see what I can dig up. You were someone I thought of specifically when my light bulb came on Frank B-He's prescribed 60 mg instant. That means he sometimes takes 40...and he sometimes takes 80-Honestly whatever he takes depending on the day-he is out at least a week before he is due to go back. This med has been causing chaos for quite some time now-however getting him to see that this med is the problem is where we draw the line in the sand facing each other. For some reason-after job loss-serious family complications-never getting anything accomplished (with the exception of not drinking which is wonderful-but adderall is his "drink" now if you know what Im saying-my perception only here of course) Relationship issues-no car-(yes I am blaming that on this too) and the almost obsessive need to over think and analyze everything under the sky with the exception of personally discovery ...the list goes on----but he doesn't see this as being a problem at all. It's everyone else that has caused all this trouble-his perception. He is smart-but I swear its like adderall is sucking the common sense right out of him.

This is such great insight. It is helpful for me to be reminded as well, that it seems as though you-or anyone really-never means any harm or disrespect intentionally to anyone you may of came across.(There is always that exception but...) You just had those adderall blinders on and hit the ground running. Again Frank B - so so helpful.

Oh yeah...it cycles like the moon-or maybe he cycles like the moon. No matter the month-no matter the outside stresses...he's out about 10 days or so prior to refill. This particular time in when I refer to August 2015, was however like a lunar eclipse. I occasionally hear of bad batches or people ending up in behavior health due to "bad batches" (maybe true maybe not) but that's really what I wanted to confirm. Totally get what you're saying about many people taking way more than scripted. I also refer to this pill as legal Meth. I get that it's not made in someone's back barn-but that doesn't make it any less dangerous...it may even make it MORE dangerous- Thank you for your insight.

This is good. Did you know these things before you quit...and if not how long into your recovery did it come to light?. I am still amazed by how this drug can steal away your-well I guess your personality for lack of a better term. You probably won't be the same before you started taking it...but I bet you grow enough during your recovery to see, that might not necessarily be a bad thing. Thank you Frank B.

This topic gets touched on here and there on the forum but I wanted to know more specifically how you felt about your interactions with other people. 1. Did you feel as though other people couldn't keep up with your thought process? 2. Did other people seem confused or without understanding during conversations? 3. Do you feel differently now looking back on your interactions with others? 4. Did you ever feel as though you were dumbing yourself down to talk with friends or family-even if it was just about casual things? Just curious. Personally, I have a hard time keeping up with our conversations while he is actively using. (Between my partner and myself) He has come right out and mentioned some of the above to me-I just feel like a lot of words get spewed when he is talking but linking everything together is where I just am left scratching my head sometimes. I should mention that I am dyslexic and sometimes open conversation is hard for me because I am not great at expressing myself. However, I am a good listener. This has been one of the toughest challenges of our relationship.

Anyone know if there is a FDA site-or better yet-a non-government owned site that can tell you when and if they recalled "batches" of bad adderall? Too strong or not strong enough. I have read here that some people get told by their doctors but I am wondering if it's possible to just get a bad batch and not know. I just kind of had a light bulb moment this morning. My love ended up in the hospital August 2015 for a "psychotic episode" and I am wondering if any batches were determined bad around this time. (He takes the 20 mg instant orange football kind) Thanks in advance for any info.

That is such incredible news! I am so happy for you! Keep it up girl! That was probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do...and you did it! I am so happy for you both!!!

Welcome-good for you for quitting and thank you for sharing your story. This place has been a saving grace for me and I am so thankful to be able to come here and educate myself and vent and share stories. My opinion only-think about telling your fiance'. It will be hard to keep it from him because he has only known the "adderall version" of you. You are going to probably seem much different to him and telling him may make the challenge of quitting...well maybe a bit less challenging. No matter what you choose to do you have made a remarkable decision to quit -and I am so happy that you've joined.

LOL You and I sound similar. I will start writing. If anything-I can always take it in to my soon to be therapist and just slap it down and say read this and I'll be back next week-fix me after you know me. It all sounds exhausting really. Like when you're in a relationship and you just want to be 5 years down the road going on vacation with one another saying "Do you remember when we couldn't even blah blah blah? " ... I've got nothing to lose as well-and if I don't get out of my own head soon I'll go crazy, I know it. Maybe therapy will just be like a really weird family vacation that a I just take by myself...with a cousin I've never met listening to all my crap.

Dadof3, I don't think I could consider my adderall experience one that could be called an open honest try out on adderall. I/we have such a negative outside experience of it that it would be hard for us to experience the "honeymoon phase" , but I totally know what you mean about wanting to know what that is like. After my love went from drinking a fifth of vodka every night...to taking this...it seemed like a honeymoon-for about three whole days. Then I was like-hmmm....something is just off. That was the beginning of what would become the long and confusing "understanding" period. I'm pretty sure its also called life-but in a way I hope not. I'm a bit depressive right now with the time of year-and in a way just being wore out with what has been going on-but I hope life at some point includes not having to think and worry so much. FrankB, I think a lot of people got addicted the way you did and it takes a courageous person to admit such. Kids taking this shit just BLOWS my MIND!!! As a money driven society-it couldn't be anything we've done to create such behavior in kids (two constantly working parents-genetically altered seeds that are bodies reject-shots that negatively affect bodies-etc.)-all for nothing more than making large unethical sums of money...well lets create a pill to offset our other money driven mistakes and see if we can just RUN from the whatever is causing all this ADHD and ADD-----and I don't have the knowledge and the energy to get myself started on this...but what I am really saying is if we could all just get back to the basics-basic things that we get from the earth to sustain life and thrive- sometimes it just seems so impossible-to get back to-when we all seem so blissfully advanced. I have always thought that if the world ran out of adderall for 6 months or so-the whole world---well I secretly think that time itself would slow down-you would look around at the lack of hustle and bustle and be able to take a long slow deep breathe and not feel like someone behind you took five breathes waiting for you to exhale. I'm sorry to get all into that shizzle this morning-it's Monday-I am feeling overwhelmed. Peace

...and I will NEVER take it again.

Thank you for being such a positive role model to everyone on this site. With each day that passes...I am amazed by everyone's strength more and more.

I have lurked around here for a little over two years and have been a member for slightly less. As some of you know I am a non-user and I have visited here many times to get answers. I love someone who takes adderall and at this point-does not see the full spectrum of negative effects it has on his life. ***Don't do what I am about to tell you I did. Don't. I can tell you I had some medical advice before I did this but seriously...don't be dumb. I took adderall for a week straight. I took 20 mg a day...sometimes 30 mg. I am 5'2 ish and 125 pounds so I considered this a hefty dose. I took it in the morning. By the second day I was dreading taking it. I still cannot believe my love's doctor can ethically prescribe this to a "recovering alcoholic" because it takes the focus off one's addictions. Oh my...geeesh....really? My perspective only here but I felt high...drunk...without "normal" thoughts. Empty...without emotion but at the same time lovey dovey...I could not shut the fuck up for any amount of seconds....I had an opinion...on everything...on every fucking thing... Ugh...it was an exhausting week. I had an open mind going into this but Ill be honest-the negativity and a bad attitude had set in early on. I didn't really want to be on this...but I needed to visit the hell that I've heard so much about. And then hell sought ME out. I quit cold turkey. After one tiny-minuscule-insignificant by any measure of time-short little week...hell was all around. The first day...not to bad. I felt tired but motivated. That was a dream compared to what the next day brought. Holy mother of pearl. No sleep....back and forth....then sweat....then sleep for a bit...then drenched with sweat again. Then oh my gosh the lack of any good though or any positive thought... " I have no bird I have no bush....God has taken my bird and my bush! " (Bruce Almighty) I did eat...but I didn't feel like cooking anything...so I ate cereal...a lot. And just plain depressed and tired and crying and like the worst person alive really. Seven straight days of hell preceded only by seven straight days of "hell on wheels." I scratched a very dangerous surface...a dangerous surface of understanding which I know that I will NEVER fully understand-even after my experience. Mathematically speaking-I needed one day of sobriety for everyday I took adderall. Tit for tat...in a really crappy sense of the saying. God all these years some of you have been on it. I can't imagine what you are really going through. I still really can't...and if I try to imagine its crippling. You that visit here...members or non-members-you that are trying to understand...you that are trying to quit and pick the pieces up...you are the ELITE. To be here trying...to be here trying to be healthy and strong mentally and physically...you are here and you are amazing for that. I still don't have answers. I believe each person will have a different answer to an identical question. I think that's how life's journey's are supposed to be. Very individualistic with the hope of a few friends to keep nonjudgmental company along the way. My experience is a hiccup in time. What did I learn? That I have no idea what battle you all are truly fighting. I cannot fathom or even try to pretend like I know what you have all been through. But I have no judgement. I can be here to tell you that each and everyone of you is stronger than you realize. I can be here to encourage you and say that the human body is an amazing vessel that can be transformed into anything you want to see yourself be and accomplish. I have faith in each and everyone of you. I miss my love. What we do for love... Peace.