Hello everyone. Long time viewer of quittingadderall.com, first time poster.
I am 23 years old, and have been on 30mg XR for 3 years. My story doesn't differ from most of what you find on here, but today is a big day for me, so I figured I'd join in.
Today is my last day on adderall.
Here is my story (it is lengthy, but I figured if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right)
All throughout my life, up until the start of my senior year in high school, I never drank, smoked, took adderall, or took part in anything else that you could throw under that umbrella of what I like to call the "fake living facilitators." In a class of 350, I was voted class clown, I was up for homecoming king, I won Mr. East High (my high school's fun competition every year where the senior guys compete in a talent show to make the audience laugh, and then judges select finalists. these finalists answer questions from the panel, and then they decide on who is Mr East High. think of it as a satyrical beauty pageant) Anyways, I digress, lol. Not to toot my horn, but I loved life, wasn't afraid to really live it, and didn't care about what others thought about me.
That all changed in college when I became a full blown pot head. I tried ecstasy, shrooms, prescription pills, cocaine, salvia, etc. Somehow, I made it through my freshman year pretty easily as far as my GPA was concerned. I like to think that I'm naturally intelligent, very well spoken, and far too good of a liar. These attributes have gotten me through some pretty bleak times in my life. Anyways, just before the start of my sophomore year, at the age of 19, I got a DUI. I thought "this is it, I'm going to change my life, live at home for awhile, and get back to my old self. Just like I was in high school." I followed through on that plan... Sort of.
I DID live at home with my parents, but I still smoked weed and drank. Surprisingly, yet again, I made it through my sophomore year academically, and I even finished the year on the Dean's list! Keep in mind, this whole time I am lying to my parents about where I am going, drinking regularly, smoking weed almost daily, and prolonging any chances I ever had of getting back to the real me. However, I did join a small fraternity during the second semester of my sophomore year, because I thought that I could make a new group of friends that didn't partake in all of the crazy, stupid stuff that I had been filling my life with. This plan backfired.
While I did meet some great new friends in this fraternity, not all of them were much different than who I had become: a directionless pothead who loved to do anything if it meant that I didn't have to be sober and deal with my reality. My social anxiety was at an all time high, I felt worthless, and I constantly wanted to smoke weed. Once I got high, I would become a shell of any real human being. I would sit with my friends, in silence, and the only thing that was on my mind was how I used to be the guy that everyone wanted to hang out with because I could make anyone laugh their ass off. I had nothing to say, I was scared of sounding stupid, and I was ashamed of myself.
Then my Junior year began. I was 20 years old, and my lifestyle started to catch up with my education. I started off the semester in a terrible slump, and I did not know how I was going to make it through college without dropping out. My parents are very well off, and they were paying for a large portion of my college education, letting me live at their house rent-free, providing me food, and a car. I could not let them down. My mom, a nurse practitioner, asked me if I had ever taken an ADHD test. I said I hadn't. She suggested that I take a questionnaire that she would bring home from the office. I did, and sure enough, my answers showed that I more than likely had ADHD. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor, and I ended up getting prescribed 20 mg adderall XR.
There's Something you all should know about me: I love video games. I worked at a GameStop, and playing PS3 and Xbox 360 were probably my two biggest hobbies. I would love to get high and/or drunk and play them. As a matter of fact, I only played them if I was high and/or drunk, because they weren't fun to me anymore if I wasn't, and I was high and/or drunk everyday! This was why my education was beginning to slip, and adderall was my chance to turn it all around. Boy, did I have ZERO clue about where my journey was headed.
The day after I received my adderall, I woke up at 8:30 for my 9:00 class, got ready, popped my first orange capsule, and headed out for class. This particular class was one of my least favorite classes of all time, and I hated going, but that particular morning, everything changed. It was 9:30, halfway through the class, and all of a sudden, a feeling poured over me. I felt like I was spontaneously reborn. I felt like I could actually listen to the professor talk. I wanted to participate in the discussion! But then other things happened. I wanted to draw in my notebook. I wanted to drive my car. I wanted to try anything with this new sensation my body was experiencing! But then, the best idea came to me: I wanted to fucking play VIDEO GAMES! "I would be so good at them, that it wouldn't be fair to eveyone else online," I thought to myself. Class got out, I drove my car home in NASCAR fashion, because I felt like I was the best civilian car pilot who ever drove, and I fired up Modern Warfare 2 on my PS3... I was doomed.
I ended up skipping most of my classes that semester because of how adderall exploded my gaming addiction. My sleep schedule went haywire: going to bed at 5am, and waking up @ 8am because I had to fool my parents into thinking I was going to my morning class. I'd pop a pill, go get McDonald's breakfast, sit in the football field parking lot, listened to Dan Patrick's sport show on the radio, and then go home and furiously game. This went on for the remainder of the semester, and I only managed one C- out of my 4 classes. The rest were F's. My parents didn't know what to do.
I told them the adderall was working, but I started taking it too late into the semester. I told them I needed to find my own place to live because I was becoming restless, and that next semester I would buckle down and turn my grades around. I ended up finding an apartment near the campus, and a good friend of mine to live with so we could both afford it.
The next semester started off pretty well. I was still on adderall, still playing video games way too much, but I learned to control it so that I could get through school. I wasn't hanging out with my pot smoking fraternity friends as much, but I still smoked with them about once a week or so. I drank many nights a week with my roommate because we both loved to game, and we both loved beer. Things definitely were not turning around, but I was managing to get by in school. Then, the best week of my life occurred: the week I met Megan.
It was March, midway through the semester, and it was Greek Week. A week where my fraternity, another fraternity, and the only sorority on campus competed in fun events to see who the best Greek organization was at Morningside College. To kick the week off, all three groups went bowling that Monday night. We were all having a good time, I was on my adderall, feeling like a champion, goofing around with my fraternity brothers, and then it was my turn to throw. I walked up to the lane and I noticed a group of fraternity girls were watching me. I was having a good night, and for some reason, my personality felt like it did back in high school: care free, funny, and totally in the moment. I rolled my ball down the lane, and when my ball crashed into the pins I thrust my hips forward really hard, making all my fraternity brothers, and the group of sorority girls watching laugh. I recognized one of the girls, Megan, from a class I was taking that semester. She was laughing at my hip-thrust celebration, and yelled at me something like "oh that's nice!" I joked back at her, and I knew she was diggin me.
Later that week, during the outdoor events, I decided I would flirt with Megan. During the baloon shaving contest, I noticed that both her and I weren't participating, so I walked over to stand by her to watch our teams compete. I got my hands on a bottle of shaving cream, and started joking around with her. I was making her laugh, and we were flirting pretty hard. The next day, i asked her out to dinner. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, and I thought a bunch of our friends would be coming along too. It ended up being just me and her, and we had a great time. After dinner, we were talking out in the parking lot, and I gave her a big hug. I pussied out when it came to kissing her, and the whole drive home I kept kicking myself because I didn't. But I was smiling. I had a different feeling about Megan. Different than with any other girl that I had ever met.
For the first time during my life on adderall, something other than adderall or video games started to occupy my thoughts. The next night, I invited her to come drink with my fraternity at our building and watch March Madness. We ended up sharing our first kiss that night. She made the first move, she beat me to it lol. I stayed the night at her apartment, and I asked her to be my girlfriend that night.
Fast forward 3 years to now
I graduated, have a great job, and am happy. Without Megan, I don't know where I would be. Now to the sad part. The part where, right here and now, am on my last day with adderall...
I let my adderall addiction and video game addiction sabotage my relationship with Megan. We lived with each other, and I put her in tears more times than I care to admit, but she stood by me. She never knew how many nights I stayed up gaming, high on adderall. I wouldn't want to go to her hometown to see her family because I wanted to stay here and play games with my friends and take adderall.
We shared an amazing relationship with one another. Great sex, we made each other laugh constantly, we cared about each other, and we both wanted to be with each other forever. But then there was adderall. I stopped smoking because of her. I started focusing on finishing school because of her, but because of adderall, I kept up with my staying up all night to play video games habit.
Right up until a month before graduation, she was looking for a new job because her position was going to be cut by the college. She couldn't find anything here in town, so she took a job back in her home town. She turned down a job 3 hours away that she really wanted because I wouldn't look for a job there, and was too stubborn. Before she moved, she helped me with my résumé, and I found a job that I really wanted. Throughout her struggles finding a new job, and dealing with the pain of me not wanting to move with her, she STILL cared enough about me to help me get employed.
We did the long distance thing. I was depressed and starting drinking again because she was gone. I was succeeding at work, only because I had adderall. I still played a ton of video games, but I noticed that I felt alone. Adderall stripped me of any motivation to find friends or reconnect with old ones. I wanted to work, go home, play video games, and go to bed.
I finally started to work on myself: start working out, stop gaming, start letting Megan know that I would be a better boyfriend, but it was too late. She wanted to break up. I was a mess...
Looking back, I never gave myself a chance to revert back to my normal self. If it wasn't weed, it was alcohol, if it wasn't alcohol, it was some prescription drug, and during it all, I relied on adderall to get me through everyday. I know this story jumps around a lot, and might not have the most focused message, but just know this: I am done with adderall.
Starting tomorrow, I am going to get the old me back. Work will be hard, but I want to feel like me again. The me I was 5 years ago. Megan made me feel closest to my real self, yet I never gave her a chance to get to know the real me. The love I feel for her is so real, but I never gave her the chance to see me at my best. Adderall, you have helped me get through some terrible times, and made me feel great when I shouldn't have, but you have hijacked my chance at pure, real, genuine happiness.
Megan knows I am quitting adderall, starting to exercise, sleeping normally, reconnecting with old friends, but she has already moved on. Now, I've got to do it for me. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to her, to not let her efforts in helping me grow throughout our 3 year relationship go in vein.
I cannot wait to feel real again. I know it will be a hard road, because I've been so dependent on this stupid drug, and binged far too many nights, but it will be worth it. Whether I get Megan back or not, I will get ME back, and that is the most important thing in the world.
If you're reading this line, it either means you skipped to the end or read this entire post. Whatever the case, here is what I want you to take from this entire story: (confusing and crazy as it was, being I am on adderall still, LAST DAY BABY!) : Adderall leads you into a fake existence. Some people need it to function, I understand, but if you're thinking about quitting then chances are you never needed it in the first place! Be you! Life is meant to be experienced in all of its glory and pitfalls! You don't need a crutch! I forget who said it, but on this website I read something that I'd like to repeat "I'd rather slog through life than speed through it on adderall" stop speeding up your life! Slow down! Really FEEL things, find out what is truly important to YOU! I am starting tomorrow. Work is going to suck, and I'll probably want to sleep constantly for awhile.
...but I can't wait for that first pill-free morning when i wake up and say "I can't wait for today"...
Thanks for reading, and if I got to talk to any of you in person, I could make the story make a little more sense. Left some details out, but you get the picture.
Here is a quote I came up with yesterday, and I'm going to live by it from now on "throw away your vices, life is full of real spices, that will bring you amazing surprises, time to stop being so lifeless"
Thank You,
Tom
