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oyvey

Question for the "abusers" with a history of depression

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This is a question for anyone that was abusing adderall with a history of depression, but found something that filled the void after coming clean. Was there something specific that changed in your life or that you did to change your life to keep you HAPPY {for the most part} and off adderall? PS this goes for whether you were or were not a.d.d. Im finding it hard to be sober and honest with myself and say I would NEVER do that stuff again even though I rationally know it's stupid. I admire the shit out of people that stay clean. Im just wondering if there was some awesome thing that took it's place for lack of a better expression. 

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There is no magic bullet for depression. I don't think it ever completely goes away. You sort of manage it with a variety of techniques.  Exercises a huge one for me.  From what I can recall early in my quit the depression was pretty shitty. It gradually gets better. 

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I know this sounds harsh, but there really is no substitute for adderall to fill that void.   That's probably part of why lots of us got so hooked in the first place.  It can serve as a powerful feel-good quick-fix to mask depression (and all the monsters that come with it.)  

 

But the good news is that adderall never truly filled any void in the first place.  If anything it only makes it larger, deeper, while simultaneously masking its presence.  So when we quit, we're left with a huge void and no mask to cover it up.  Quitting forces us to confront our depression and other issues square in the face.  It hurts.  A LOT.

 

Finding genuine joy, inspiration, excitement, and interest in life again is still a struggle for me.  And that's a classic symptom of depression.  But I think it has to be the only way to true healing.   Without adderall we have to find it on our own.

 

Things that help me:   Sometimes I still have to force myself to do fun things.  For example I'll make plans with a friend in advance and won't let myself flake out when I inevitably don't feel like it.   Exercise definitely helps everything.  Eating healthy food, avoiding alcohol and sugar, and taking vitamins/supplements, all help my brain chemistry and body, and also help me show myself that I love and care for myself.   I'm also hoping to start painting again.  I try to be grateful every day for small things.  Try to be mindful of my thoughts and attitude.  Stay positive.  Try to recognize and disrupt the spiral of negative thinking (it's so much easier said than done, but it's one of my goals.)  There are some windows of happiness that peek through the darkness.   I'm trying to start more fully living my life, because it's too short not to.  But it has to be genuine, and it takes time.   

 

There is no quick fix to fill the void.  We have to fill it up on our own, confront it, we have to let ourselves grow and grow back.  And that takes time.  But life is too short not to.  Life is too short to take shortcuts like adderall.  But if we're lucky, it's long enough to heal and grow make progress towards living the full, genuine life we want and deserve.

 

Adderall is a backslide.  Keep your head up oyvey, and press on.

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Thanks for the response. Exercise has to be part of my life period for the endorphins otherwise I'd probably go nuts without any of the natural juice. I just wondered if there was something striking that was life changing. I was trying to think of "natural highs" like sky diving and stuff like that but also thought maybe my mind is too narrow currently so hearing different things would be cool. Im soooooo early in recovery and aside from dealing with my depression and I'm trying to actually learn about "addiction" itself. Im trying to learn as much as I can from people's successes and failures. Obviously I have to live my own life and face my own demons..but it never hurts to learn something new or hear a positive thing come out of a negative. 

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Thank you, Occasional. It didn't sound harsh to me. I don't want anything buttered up. "Disrupting the spiral of negative thinking." That's a great point/goal to have and is being added to my list, so thank you. I think it's also great about the painting. I'm an awful artist, but maybe I should be digging out the old guitar again and not giving up on that. 

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Way ahead of you on the Netflix- I have a thing for the documentaries and Family Guy and American Dad.

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I remember in the early days of my Quit when I couldn't seem to find any pleasure in the things that used to "do it" for me, before and especially during my addiction.  I was so bummed that life was so dull and I thought "is this it?  this really sucks".  Within a month or two it slowly got better.

 

Oyvey, I think that part of your struggle is due to your short time of exposure to this nasty drug.  You learned some lessons in only months that it took most of us several years to learn, and that is a good thing.  In my case, it played out over nine years, and I was so ready to be done with that horrible pill that it was a relief to finally quit and get my life back.  In other words, my addiction ran its full course, like some kind of weird disease or something.  I wanted to quit for over a year before I actually put the pills down, but I couldn't quit because life got in the way.  I remember thinking "I hope I survive this addiction until I can actually quit on my terms".  The physical side effects were awful and I was losing my mind.   

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You're probably right. I just need to keep sticking it out and putting time between me and it. Today is one of those dull days for whatever reason. It seems to be roller coaster type effect. Some days clarity and some days shit thinking.

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