Zerokewl

2 years or close to it

19 posts in this topic

Not quite 2 years but close and I felt like writing tonight. 

 

Adderall is becoming a distant memory. I've almost forgotten the rush & the long list of health issues it caused. I'm still haunted by the destruction I caused on Adderall and the people I lost.  Particularly a girlfriend who broke it off with me or maybe she broke up with me+Adderall. I will always regret all the amazing experiences I bailed on to be tweaked out on Adderall.   Guess we all have heartache... Got to move forward. Keep on keep'in on.  

 

I really battled with depression earlier this year. Too many days I lost that battle and surrendered with Netflix and days spent in bed. I know what depression is now and when I can feel it comming in I can usually turn it around.  I spent so much of my life never fully understanding what depression was and how it was effecting me.  Being able to identify and prevent depression or minimize its impact is a skill I gained in recovery and I am so grateful. 

 

This year I really began to put the work in. I worked on some projects that really streched my abilities. My business accounted for most of my income his year.  I had sucesses and I had failures. My business turned a meager profit (surviving) and I am learning a lot. Nothing worth doing is easy. 

 

Looking back on this year I wish I worked harder. I wish I struggled harder, I accomplished some of my goals but not enough. I spent a lot of time being overwhelmed. Getting nothing done fretting about all the things I have to do.  I need to get organized and really get specific on what I want to do and how I am going to accoplish it.  Plan to work and work the plan. 

 

My weight is still and issue. I quit smoking almost a year ago so that was a factor. I've exercised but not consistently and I haven't stuck to a diet and eaten very poorly too often.  Losing 30-40 pounds would do so much for my confidence. Quitting smoking has been a major plus for my health, I'm able to do so much more physically, I've been commuting by bicycle as much as possible. I'm a bit chubby but I feel good. 

 

In my darker moments the anxiety creeps in. I'm doing my best to keep together that things are going to be ok. What I am struggling with is the ability to fully engage in life. I feel like I spend a lot of time lost in my head and not working on my goals. Some-days I lack the faith and total devotion I need to be successful. This need to be constantly busy, high performing etc got me in trouble with adderall In the first place.  It is different, I'm not punishing myself anymore, I want to be successful because it is fun.   

 

I don't want to find work/life balance. I want to be an entrepreneur, a business owner and this requires more engagement & focus.  I just don't know how to get there. I'm trying to set some goals for year 3 but I need to be more focused and engaged. It takes me a long time to do things still.

 

I don't want to scare the noobies, but life is complicated off adderall. On adderall  life was fucked up but life was simple, horrible but simple. I am so thankful for the last two years the growth i have experienced is amazing. I want to thank everyone here (too many to list).  I am so blessed  to have had such an interesting year 2 off adderall. I know my struggles will rewarded which makes me want to struggle harder. 
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So awesome man.  I'm happy for you and I have faith that you have the strength to overcome your struggles in time.

 

On adderall  life was fucked up but life was simple, horrible but simple.

This is so true.  I think this is why, without realizing it, the after-addy crash that inevitably follows binges *and not just the high itself* was a big part of the ritual that is addictive.

 

You are extremely awesome and the hedgehog agrees. :)

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B)  I am SO proud of you!  You are one of my inspirations on this forum and without you and the others, I doubt I would have had the strength to stay from the false promise of an "easy road".  What you are experiencing is what everyone experiences without Adderall.  It is just that most have never had the "horrible, but simple" experience of being on it.  So, they don't know any different.  It really makes you think about how it is cheating to be on it.  Others just can't compete when you are a jacked up machine...with no time for the simple things.  Don't beat yourself up for the Netflix days, enjoy them...

 

You should take a look at www.wheatbellyblog.com .  It is a great lifestyle and the best side effects of this healthy way of eating are weight loss and feeling great!  Read some of the articles and see if you want to try it.  I feel so much better now that I am on the road to getting back into great shape.  I am a force to be reckoned with when I am fit ;)  Exercise is still an issue, but I have started walking 20-30 minutes each day and it is getting easier.  I have a walking partner at work and she makes me go even when I want to be a slug.  Motivation can come from an external source, it is okay. 

 

Remember, you are a success story.  Even with the ups and downs, you have done it!  So proud...

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Your posts are just inspiring to me. It sounds to me like you've had a successful couple years, maybe not where you would like to be, but it sounds like you got a lot of things done. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I look forward to your posts.

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I just looked into wheatbelly and it is not exactly the same but pretty similar to what I am doing.

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Z,

 

I am so proud of you!  You are doing amazing!  Recovery is a journey...not a destination.  I think about all the things I've learned over the years and it is amazing how you never stop growing.  You just keep getting better and better. Even on your worst recovery day...are you not healthier, stronger in so many ways, and moving in the right direction towards your goals?  Of course you are!  I don't think there is any set time limit on when things will improve for each person.  Everyone is different and long as you keep making progress, you will get there!  Just enjoy it.  :)  I am so happy for you.

 

Ok, and here's another thing I'd like to share regarding weight issues.  First of all, be kind to yourself.  The food thing can be challenging because we have to eat.  It might take a little longer to get to where you want to be, but remember the body is transformable.  Weight can always be lost..no matter how long it takes.  Don't lose hope!  Here is what helps me put it in perspective.In the past, I relapsed on adderall several times due to wanting a quick fix with weight gain.  However, what I failed to remember that along with that skinny quick fix, also came insanely unhealthy behaviors.  The way I look at it now is I think of the images below.  Would I rather have a few extra pounds and have a healthy inner body, or be super skinny and falling apart inside? ;)

 

Healthy Lungs                                 Smoker Lungs

 

lungs.jpg?w=640

Adderall Heart  lol

 

ist2_5696379-unhealthy-heart.jpg

 

 

Restored Heart from Exercise

 

Heart.jpg

 

Healthy Liver VS. Liver from Adderall Drinking Binges

cirrhosis.jpg

 

 

negative-effects-adderall-1000B.png

 

Mental Strength!! 

 

brain.jpg

 

Rawor!!! Just focus on the good.  :)  Congrats again!!  Victory!!

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those pictures are scary (but the ones with the organs lifting weights are very awesome)

 

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Lilitex, I love those graphics. I sure do not miss any of those symptoms! My poor heart suffered so much, I'm sure it would thank me now if it could! lol

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Oh, yes!  I'm sure it is loving you about now. ;)  Mr. Heart says, "thank you friend!"  You saved me!  :)

 

I love the facial expression of that guy, lol.  That is totally what I looked like after a bender!  Watch out!  Here comes crazy, mean, hostile woman!  Ready to bite somebody's head off!  lol

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the scary thing is that graphic misses a bunch of side effects like dry mouth, bad odour, bad breath. The list is so long!

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I struggle with the same entreprespirit, weight, lethargy and depression problems u mentioned bro. 2 years is amazing tho, u got this

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upon great reflection. I have decided I will never see the big picture. All I can do is hustle everyday and move my goals a little or a lot everyday.  Year 2 go! 

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Z,

I notice a lot of your discussion is based on goal setting, and frustration about not achieving those goals.  But the fact that you are making goals and trying to meet them says a lot about your inner drive.  I feel like Adderall cost me some of my goal-driven behavior.  And I have not yet regained it.   I struggle with setting any goals in the first place.  On Adderall, I enjoyed sitting around all day thinking about what needed to get done, because whatever I did get done seemed like a lot and even doing the laundry was an epic accomplishment.  Life was kinda simple, but fucked up, because I was always fucked up on adderall.   I sat around and smoked, and smoked more and really didn't do a goddamn thing of value during the last year or two of my addiction. 

Good for you for setting goals and trying to get things done.  And double good for you for quitting smoking last year.  The extra body weight is simply a side effect of kicking the cigs and amphetamines.  Of course you will need to lose it, and in time it will happen.  I suggest taking advantage of the summer months, good weather and extra daylight for getting more activity.  And I also suggest taking advantage of all the locally grown, healthy foods that are available this time of the year.  Kick the processed food habit, at least for the short term, and see what happens.  Instead of setting a numerical goal of trying to lose 30 or 40 lbs., maybe just try a goal of regular daily exercise and better nutrition?

Just some rambling thoughts.  Congrats on two years of recovery.  Thank you for all your valuable contributions (posts) and responses to those who are new to the quitting game.   Keep on keepin' on....

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ZK, I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner!  Congratulations on 2 years and on how much you have accomplished in that time!  Quitting both adderall and cigarettes within 2 years is a major accomplishment in itself, as well as an ongoing process (like LilTex said) so I'm super proud of you for doing that! 

 

I'll be honest, I can hear you being a little hard on yourself in this post... about your weight and about not achieving more goals.  I'm way too hard on myself too (I guess adderall attracts our type!) and one of the most helpful things any of my friends can do for me is to tell me when I'm being too hard on myself.  My best friends are used to me being too hard on myself, and are great at telling me to cut that shit out.  So I'm going to tell you that right now.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You're amazing, and a huge success story.  Make sure your goals are attainable, and know that if you're setting a high bar, you're bound to fall a little short-- but that's not a bad thing.  You're a human being, and you're doing great!  :)   Congratulations again my friend!

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Thanks Occasional & Always, 

 

Adderall really does attract an overachiever type and I am that kind of person.  I've always been motivated , adderall actually broke that motivation temporarily.  I am hard on myself but not like I used to be. I can celebrate the small daily victories, and fall asleep with the knowledge I pushed the ball forward just a little that day I accomplished something. In year 2 I am trying to pump up the intensity slowly.  

 

  I complain constantly about my weight. But if Grisham from CSI did a quick analysis of my car he would find, Doritos, Pizza Slices, Pop and Fast Food.  This really has to stop if I am going to make progress.  

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