xtine33

Starting an MA in clinical psych in the fall and can't be addicted to addy

15 posts in this topic

So here is my story: 

 

I was 20 years old in college and had a waitressing job. One night I came back to the dorm after work and had a paper to write and felt too tired to do it; I was freaking out. A girl on my floor told me there was something I could take that would help me. She introduced me to her friend who sold me a pill of addy. I was so nervous taking it because I didn't know what it was or what it would do to me. However, once I took it I was able to finish my paper-I stayed up till way late working on it. That was how it all started. For the next year and a half of college, I would buy from this guy whenever I had a paper or test to study for. I didn't think it was a big deal.

 

After college I spent a year in New Orleans waitressing and applying to grad school. During this year I didn't use addy-my roommate had Concerta that I stole from her a handful of times but that was it. Nothing crazy. 

 

I got accepted to a good school for an MA in humanities and social sciences. Before I went back to school, I met up with this guy in my hometown who was friends with my original dealer. He told me he had something call Vyvanse which was like Addrerall. It had been a year since I had had any Adderall but I missed it, so I bought some Vyvanse from him. This was when I truly became addicted.

 

I moved to a new city to start grad school but would go back home to buy Vyanse from this dealer. I took it every day for almost a year, frequently multiple times a day. I was depressed and anxious, but I didn't think this was from the Vyvanse. I was convinced I was depressed from moving to a new city with no friends and the stress from grad school. I really didn't think it had anything to do with the Vyvanse. Then, about halfway through my second semester of grad school I started therapy for an ED. One of my goals in therapy was to stop using Vyvanse. 

 

I was in grad school for two years-during this two years, there was one semester I didn't use. The rest of the time I was using Vyvyanse. By this point I knew I had a problem and that Vyvanse was affecting my emotions and causing my depression. However, by the end of grad school I had decided not to move forward with getting a PhD in that field of study and I took my last Vyvanse in May, before graduation. I cut off contact with my dealer and figured I was done with it. I would still think about taking some if I had something hard to do, but because I had cut off contact with my dealer, I couldn't give into my cravings.

 

Fast forward two years later-I was working in a job I liked and had been clean for two years. I reconnected with an old friend from high school who casually mentioned she worked for a doctor who prescribed addy like it was no big deal. I resisted for two months. Then, when I was in a licensing class that my job was paying for, one of the students was selling Adderall. I bought a pill, and after not having had one for two years, the effect was amazing! I remembered how much I had missed it and got a prescription from my friend's boss.

 

Now it has been a year since I got my first prescription to Adderall. I now have easy access to this drug and it is scary. I can go a couple months without using, but then I will binge for a week. Or I will be slow at work for a couple days and start using again after having been clean for a couple months. After I use, I end up quitting after a week and then not having any for a month or two until it starts again. 

 

The thing that worries me and is pushing me to quit is that I will be starting a grad program in Clinical Psych. It is my second MA degree, and I do not want to go through this program like I did my last one-completely dependent on stimulants and not even able to enjoy what you are learning. i eventually want to become a psychologist and get a PhD-that is so much schooling and time and I cannot be addicted to drugs during this journey. I want to enjoy my job/school because it's something that I love doing and am passionate about, not because I am taking a prescription medication. I am also going into mental health and I cannot be a therapist that is abusing prescription drugs. I start school in 3 and a half months and I know I need to quit before school starts. Right now my use is very sporadic-, but I am worried that once school starts my abuse will be full blown just like last time, since Adderall is the perfect study drug. I do not want my second Masters degree experience to be like my first one. I need to quit. 

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Hi

I am new here .. But not to the scene 😊

There are great people here .. You will find lots of great advice and support .

I can relate to your issues... I am goal oriented, success driven ,and even though I know I can do it alone.. I also reach for my bottle for help

Listen... You are a few months from starting school right? Then you have a golden opportunity here... Stand still for a moment and just look into your future . You talk about how you were on the vyvanse before, so you've been there , seen that train wreck.

You seem to be in a position of strength , in relation to most who are currently deep in addiction .. Use that.. You have to use your head and rise above ... You have the ability to think clearly right now. You do NOT want to end up being a drug addict with a PhD. That's what you will become and that's a promise , IF you get that far.

I recently talked with someone who quit adderall after 6 years and he was in graduate school for his first few years on the meds... He was golden for 3 years of school .. Then the drugs (as they eventually do) messed with his mind so that he felt it was so much more important to spent that last year playing video games because he was so awesome , in his mind, and he let everything go .. Including school and ended up dropping out with ONE semester left to work at dominos.

You know that however sporadic your use is ... It won't be that way for long... It will escelate and usage will increase, it will take over your entire life and then you will really have problems.

Cut it off while you are clear headed and able . Start now and give yourself a few months of mental preparation .

It's not easy ... We all know that ... But I wish you the best.. And as I said , great people here so keep posting

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Your story is a good cautionary tale.  Being clean for 2 years is incredible! - but it's amazing how powerful *just one little pill* can be.

The first pill causes the personality change, and you no longer value your sobriety.  It's cripples all the strength you used to avoid getting that prescription, next thing you know you have a stash again.

 

It takes so many days of recovery and sobriety to build a tower of freedom but only one little pill to knock it all down. :<

 

Sorry just rambling now....

 

You have 3 and a half months before your program starts.  You can be almost 4 months clean by then if you start now!

 

Good luck and welcome to the forum!

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Hi guys, thank you for the support! I just flushed my pills so this is the beginning for me, May 17th. I need to stay strong. 

 

Grumpycat, yes I was clean for two years, but you know, I don't think I realized how addicted I was. Like I cut off contact with my dealer and just figured that would be that and I would never have to worry about it again. It's funny how life messes with you, because I never would have dreamed I would end up reconnecting with one of my childhood friends and then getting a free pass for Addy at the same time. I just never thought an "opportunity" like that would come, you know? I think I was clean for two years b/c even when I wanted to take it I had nowhere to get it from. I never counted on the fact that I would run into a situation where I would be able to get a script so easy. 

 

And knows_better, yes I totally agree. My use may be sporadic now, but I know once I go back to school it will only increase. 

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You are the BEST.  My hero for flushing pills that is like the hardest thing to do!  That is huge proof of very serious commitment.

 

I'm so happy for you. :)

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Thank you grumpycat! That is so nice! Sadly, I don't have too much of a problem flushing the pills (I mean, it is hard, but I can do it)-my problem is being consistent and staying off. But thank you for the support, it means a lot.  :)

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You guys are so smart!!!  Awesome job Xtine!  That is amazing!  You sound like you will make a great psychologist. Hands down, you will feel so relieved helping others knowing you are not abusing add.  I can't even imagine the paranoia and guilt I would I have being in that situation.  That's awesome you kicked it for 2 years.  You can do it again and at least now you will be prepared going forward if someone offers you one again...you will know what to do.

 

This board has served to be a major asset to my recovery.  I come here a lot...especially when I have urges to get reminders of what my old using was like.  Sometimes I can look back with rose colored glasses and come up with reasons why maybe I could go back to it....until I read current stories.  Then I am like, "No way!  I am not going back to that cycle."  It was so hard to break free and I don't ever want to get trapped again.  Just keep coming around here and there will be plenty of reminders.

 

Glad you are here and congrats again for taking a giant step!!!  Awesome!

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Aw, thanks you guys! Yup, I've been clean for four days now-does anyone know how to get those counters up? I don't have a problem staying clean for even a month or two, but then something happens that triggers me, and I know those triggers will be worse come grad school, so I'm planning to come here if anything triggers me.

 

I also want to get a substance abuse therapist once school starts to keep me on track for the first semester at least. And thank you liltex for saying I would be a great therapist, that is so nice  :)

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I can't get the counter on mine.  Tickerfactory...so sad.  I know it is me, but I can't seem to get any graphic to post on here.

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Are you confused with making the counter or pasting it onto your profile? You go to "edit profile" and to the "edit signature" area and post the tickerfactory BB code in there.

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Well both. I went on the website and they have pregnancy, weight loss, savings tickers but no drug addiction tickers lol. Which one did you guys use? 

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Well both. I went on the website and they have pregnancy, weight loss, savings tickers but no drug addiction tickers lol. Which one did you guys use?

I used..I can't remember..try playing around with them!

Edit - I remember now I used the "event" ticker

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Does this work?

Maybe try the "event" ticker instead of the exercise ticker so it doesn't show '358 days to go'

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