clp0001

One year later and struggling more and more

21 posts in this topic

I quit adderall a year and a month ago after a 15 year addiction. I decided to quit last year because I my doctor had me on 160mg a day. I finally quit because I was having heart palpitations, always thought I was about to die of a heart attack, was living with constant psychosis, such as hearing voices and seeing things, which I actually thought were worth it because of how much writing and art I could produce every day without sleep. I also had such bad OCD on Adderall that I would edit a paragraph of writing or a couple of photograph in Photoshop for 36 hours without a bathroom break or eating. i was so isolated without friends and ended up in the psychiatric ward a few times from psychosis but still thought it was worth these mental health problems because of how much writing and art I would get done and how successful I felt career wise.

I finally quit 13 months ago thought which I never thought I could do and though that's an achievement in and of itself, I can't help but still feel like the biggest failure because after a year I'm still sleeping all the time, I've gained 30 pounds, I haven't written creatively or done art since I quit and I get so much anxiety when I try to do stuff like volunteer and I don't have a job right now and don't feel like I could hold one down as of now with my low energy and motivation.

The positives are that my OCD is gone, my psychosis is gone and I've made new friends and have a loving partner who I love with so my social life is way more supportive than when I isolated and worked on my writing and art projects all the time.

I'm laying this all out on the table for you all and for myself so I can see the pros and cons of this all. I was on this website a lot when I quit last year and being on this website really helped me quit! And I'm back on now because I need help with understanding the trajectory of when I will feel better, have energy and internal motivation again, have my creativity and natural drive back. It just seems to be getting harder and worse and I'm more depressed now than all year. I've been taking tyrosine, adrenal health supplements and I just got on the antidepressant, Wellbutrin, so I'm trying to be proactive with getting my physical and mental health back to how it was 15 years ago but this is the hardest process ever.

If anyone who has been off of adderall a while had any advice about when and how I can push my recovery along faster that would be great!! Thank you!!

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I've gained a lot of weight too.  Trying to eat clean and exercise lots but its not easy.

 

And I fall off the wagon every now and again (god damn BK whopper wednesdays)....

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First of all, great job staying clean for over a year!!  Is everything perfect for everyone else?  Is it just you?  Nope.  Check this out...I had lost 15 of the 40 pounds I gained, but I gained them back.  I was getting some exercise, but now I am depressed and just acting like a slug.  I am trying to push myself more to do things and this weekend I plan on cleaning out a closet and the garage, and going to an audition.  Will the garage get clean?  Probably not, let's be real...

 

It is not just you that is better off, either.  I am happier, nicer, more social, not afraid to audition, and much more laid back.  I don't see bugs that are not there. I am not having chest pain.  I am getting sleep.  I have an appetite (damn it) and I enjoy food a lot...too much, but I digress. 

 

I am trying to push myself.  That is how I am going to push through this slump in my recovery.  I am not going back to Adderall, and neither are you!  We can do this without a drug and it is better without it...you know it is!

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Thank you for both of your responses! It helps me feel less alone to know that recovery isn't a perfect upward slope on a graph but has its ups and downs (bk whopper Wednesday's for example or pizza and cupcakes for me lol). I have therapy now so I'm going to go see what my therapist has to offer too. Thanks again!!

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By the way, quitting after 15 years of using the dosages you described is an amazing accomplishment.

 

I'm sure the last year has been incredible hard at times but you should be immensely proud of yourself.

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I would focus on creating good habits. Eating right, going to the gym overall self care. The rest should fall in place. The depression is the hardest thing to overcome avoiding alcohol, getting some exercise really helps.  Take it a day at a time. 

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You can't force your recovery to go faster. You just have to give it time and have faith. You took a drug for 15 years, so a year clean is not that long. The brain takes a long time to heal. You sound like you're doing really well for a year sober, although maybe a job (at least part time) would help you feel more motivated/energetic and give you less time to think about how you're feeling. Either way you can't force yourself to feel a certain way so accept where you're at. It will get so much better each year you are speed free. Your natural resources will return.

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Wow. Our stories are almost identical. I took, on average, 250mg of adderall everyday for 25 years. Congrats on a year clean!! I'm about 70 days clean, and some days it's my own private hell. Some days I drink my weight in sugar free red bull. I take 300mg of Wellbutrin daily, and have for s few years. I think that has made a huge difference for me overall. I exercise pretty much daily, but have still put on 10 lbs since quitting. I started a low carb diet 2 weeks ago and have lost five lbs, and I plan to stay on it for a few months. It sucks big time, but so does not fitting in my clothes. Again, congrats on a year. I can't wait to get there!!

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Thank you Cassie and CarpeDiem!

@Cassie - thank you for letting me know that the more years on adderall the longer it will take to get my natural resources back. I thought that might be the case, but hadn't heard that specifically. Also, I agree on a job. I also need to pay back debt I accumulated while on speed. Ugh. I hate that drug! And congrats on being almost 4 years clean! Wow. I can't wait for that day!

@CarpeDiem - that's such a coincidence about our stories! Thanks for sharing about your journey! (I also drink a ton of sugar free red bull some days! Lol.) Congrats on 70 days and keep up the good work!

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Thanks Zerokewl! I don't drink alcohol, which I highly recommend to anyone with depression. I definitely need to exercise more for sure. Thanks for the reminder and support!

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Me too...I was in the 250mg+ range for 12 years...the psychosis is def something you should always remind yourself if you find your struggling.

Good job on a year. One year is not even close to long enough recovery time, I was better, no more psychosis, but still had a ways to go and ways to go now. Keep your expectations in check, this is something that needs lots of time to heal. But great job on making it this far!!

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Thank you Greg! Your advice is really helpful! I'm glad to at least know its going to be many more years until I feel better even though that feels like forever. It's good to have some sort of idea. And yes I am thankful everyday for no more psychosis. I can't believe I used to put up with so many more mental health problems than I needed too. Congrats on how far you've come and thanks again.

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I wanted to share some advice.

1. Use positive affirmations to help with the depression. When I wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread, I immediately remind myself that "I'm a happy person and I am in a good mood!" lol it sounds ridiculous, but it reverses the negative thought pattern, and you start to believe yourself after awhile.

2. Lift weights. I mean like hardcore balls to the wall bodybuilding. Now I know it sounds overwhelming because all you want to do is eat and sleep, believe me I know, but I just started doing this, after my one year anniversary, and I really wish I would have started earlier. All you have to do is focus on putting on your clothes and walk through the door at the gym.  will force your body to tear down the old and build new healthy muscles, circulations, and brainwave connections. It also helps you push through some emotions. I cried a little every time I lifted for 2 weeks but I knew i was healing my emotions as well as taking care of and building my body back to where it needs to be.

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