bluemoon

Please help me quit for good

60 posts in this topic

I have taken Adderall on and off for almost three years. I have tried to quit more times than I can count. There have been times where I have been successful in staying off Adderall for longer periods of time (I think two months is probably the longest), but all it takes is one bad day and I find myself reaching for it again. For me, the worst part of not taking Adderall is the intense fatigue. Oh, and the skyrocketing weight gain. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, and Adderall is sometimes the only thing that can provide me some relief. But at the same time, it makes me feel even more depressed. I don't like the person I am when I'm on it. I'm absolutely miserable. I want my life back. I want to really start living again. I need some encouragement and advice to help me really commit to staying off Adderall for good. Please help

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Are you addicted or you just want to stop taking it?

 

Both. I feel like I'm addicted. I want to stop but I feel like I can't fully commit. It's ruining my life

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".....and Adderall is sometimes the only thing that can provide me some relief" 

Sorry, but you will have to change your mindset for what gives you relief from the depression episodes.  Going on and off Adderall is the worst thing for depression, besides drinking.

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I feel the same way I want to be myself, not a pill. I spent so much time on this medication denying the risks, denying that its a problem, no matter what happened. I just didn't care about myself, i felt like the positive of Adderall outweighs the bad. I talk myself into taking it until i finally take it. I feel like i am fighting this person Adderall created. Honestly it is really difficult. Everything i need to do, i always think: "I should take Adderall & then do this." Adderall is such a big part of my life that simple tasks like doing the dishes, putting on my make-up, doing my hair, etc are difficult to make myself get up and do without Adderall. It's literally almost impossible. There is no motivation whatsoever, and all i can think about is how much easier things would be if i take an Adderall. 

 

& i do have depression, and my life at the moment is just chaotic. Even so, i absolutely cannot do this anymore. & it's not even the dangerously high heart rates & blood pressure. i want to quit is because i feel like i spent two years of my life being dead. i look back and it seems like a daze. I'm not the same person on Adderall. This person i was for two years is not me. 

MOST OF ALL, i am tired of scheduling my life, around a drug. 

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".....and Adderall is sometimes the only thing that can provide me some relief" 

Sorry, but you will have to change your mindset for what gives you relief from the depression episodes.  Going on and off Adderall is the worst thing for depression, besides drinking.

 

Yes, I am aware of that. It's a vicious cycle. I know that the Adderall only ends up hurting me more in the end, and it doesn't actually provide me the "relief" that I think it does. I don't know how I got here. I never used to be able to understand addiction before I started taking Adderall. I never understood why someone couldn't "just stop" when addicted to something. And well... here I am. I am so ashamed to have found myself in this position.

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I feel the same way I want to be myself, not a pill. I spent so much time on this medication denying the risks, denying that its a problem, no matter what happened. I just didn't care about myself, i felt like the positive of Adderall outweighs the bad. I talk myself into taking it until i finally take it. I feel like i am fighting this person Adderall created. Honestly it is really difficult. Everything i need to do, i always think: "I should take Adderall & then do this." Adderall is such a big part of my life that simple tasks like doing the dishes, putting on my make-up, doing my hair, etc are difficult to make myself get up and do without Adderall. It's literally almost impossible. There is no motivation whatsoever, and all i can think about is how much easier things would be if i take an Adderall. 

 

& i do have depression, and my life at the moment is just chaotic. Even so, i absolutely cannot do this anymore. & it's not even the dangerously high heart rates & blood pressure. i want to quit is because i feel like i spent two years of my life being dead. i look back and it seems like a daze. I'm not the same person on Adderall. This person i was for two years is not me. 

MOST OF ALL, i am tired of scheduling my life, around a drug. 

 

I couldn't have said it better myself. I feel like I can't do my hair or make up, clean my house, or even go to the grocery store without Adderall. I tell myself I need it to socialize, but in the end, it only ends up making me socially awkward. I really am ready to stop. I just need some encouragement and support from you guys. I've kept the Adderall a secret for so long. Coming on this forum is the first time I've ever actually talked about my problem. We can do this! Let's quit together. We got this.

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It's going to take a long time to get used to life without it, but if you just stick with it, you'll be so much better off.  I know it's seems impossible in the beginning, but it absolutely can be done.  This site was a great help to me when I first quit and for years after.  Whenever I wanted to go back on it, I would come here and read stories of people still suffering in the trenches and that usually could give me enough of a reminder what it was like and why I wanted to stay off of it.  However, I will always have my guard up with this drug because it is incredibly addictive and I know I could just say screw it, and start taking it again one day if I'm not careful.  It does get easier with time though.  You can do it!

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I couldn't have said it better myself. I feel like I can't do my hair or make up, clean my house, or even go to the grocery store without Adderall. I tell myself I need it to socialize, but in the end, it only ends up making me socially awkward. I really am ready to stop. I just need some encouragement and support from you guys. I've kept the Adderall a secret for so long. Coming on this forum is the first time I've ever actually talked about my problem. We can do this! Let's quit together. We got this.

this is understandable, but i remember at my level of abuse the basic routine type activities of daily living still never happened. id have the greatest of intentions to clean up my room, my car, do laundry.. then 8 hours dicking around on the Internet later..

point being I've avoided learning how to do these things for myself for most of my adult life because of adderall. I'm fighting to be a normal human being first, learn some discipline. THEN I'll worry about being a superhero (:

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The best advice I can give you is stay checking this site. I tried on and off to quit unsuccessfully. Then I found this site and I still relapsed once but now I'm at day 86 and I wouldn't be here without this site.

Adderall is such a different type of drug that you need to be hearing from people going through the same thing.

When I first quit, I literally checked this forum, read the articles, and was on this site a dozen times a day. Remind yourself why you quit because your brain will try to convince you otherwise.

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The best advice I can give you is stay checking this site. I tried on and off to quit unsuccessfully. Then I found this site and I still relapsed once but now I'm at day 86 and I wouldn't be here without this site.

Adderall is such a different type of drug that you need to be hearing from people going through the same thing.

When I first quit, I literally checked this forum, read the articles, and was on this site a dozen times a day. Remind yourself why you quit because your brain will try to convince you otherwise.

 

So true. I feel like since I found this website, for the first time, I am ready to actually 100% commit to quitting for good. I am so ready. But I just have to find the right time to do it. I want to quit ASAP, but I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I know I will be pretty useless for the first little while without the pills. I have a week off at Christmas, but I honestly don't want to put myself through another month of this. Ugh. How do I quit and manage to stay on top of things at work?? :(

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Just wanted to let everyone know I have made it through five days with no pills. I didn't even plan on actually quitting this week, but I didn't take any pills on the weekend and I woke up Monday morning staring at my bottle of Adderall, and something inside me just told me I could make it through the day without it. I was tired, sore, grumpy and hungry all day... but somehow I made it through Monday with no Adderall. Now it's Wednesday evening, and I still have managed to not take any pills this week. I was going to wait until Christmas to quit, but I guess you could say I'm attempting right now. I still haven't mustered up the courage to call my doctor and tell him I don't want it prescribed to me anymore, and I still have about a month's supply of pills. I want so badly to end this now and keep my no-Adderall streak going... but I think about all the things I have to do before Christmas and it's so overwhelming that I am unsure if I can manage. I know I sound like I'm making excuses, but I'm just telling it how it is. I could definitely use some encouragement and/or advice here. 

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That is AWESOME!!!!   I swear to you, once you get rid of those pills and call the doctor, you are going to feel the weight of the world lifted right off your chest.  

 

YOU GOT THIS!!!

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Today is day 10 and it's one of the hardest days yet for some reason. I didn't have the best sleep last night. It's Monday, I'm exhausted, miserable, and have felt nauseous all day. Maybe I'm getting sick, I don't know. But either way, I'm determined to keep going. It is so nice to not have to deal with anxiety all day. I haven't felt so calm and level headed in a very long time.

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Hello everyone. This is likely to be a long entry but hang in there because I do have a point in here somewhere! It's amazing to me how similar all of our stories and having a site like this that reminds us that we're not alone can truly be a life saver. My amphetamine experience began with one 70mg vyvanse a day and after a year or so, the one pill wouldn't get me through the whole day so I started messing around with dextroamphetamine and adderall. Needless to say, after a period of time, the 80mg I took throughout the day wasn't enough. In the last 3 years of use, I took about 300-375 mg every day except for the occasions when I couldn't get access to more. I justified the insane lengths I went to and the exorbitant amount of money I spent on this crap because I really could not live without it.

Fast forward to just before thanksgiving 2013. I had finished a prescription that I got from one of my doctors within 6 days so I couldn't call him (I had already used and exhausted every conceivable excuse one could use to obtain prescriptions before the 30 days). I could find ways to borrow a few from my brother or pay someone on the street a ridiculous amount of money to get some but this could only get me so far considering I took 15-20 pills a day and even this was no longer enough. So I went to my second doctor and this too was fruitless because she said wouldn't see me for 2 more weeks. I realized that this was it. I knew what hell I was in for as far as withdrawal and I decided that I did not want to deal with a hellish 2 weeks, get more medication and then repeat this cycle over and over again.

This was kind of the point I've been leading up to share with those of you who have relapsed a few times. For me, the worst of the withdrawal was about 3 weeks (the very worst was within the first week). But to be honest, I'm still working to improve 2 years later but I am light years away from where I started and I am no longer a prisoner to amphetamines anymore. I don't have to schedule my life around the availability of this drug and I can get up for work at 5:30 am, write long papers for school and take time off from "getting stuff done" to spend with family, friends, and most importantly my son. What you have to remember at times when you feel like you want to start taking this crap again is that through every day, every week, every month of your recovery, you are improving and getting better even if it you don't feel it. Every time you go back and then quit again, you are sentencing yourself to to relive the hardest part of the withdrawal, to start rebuilding those days again. I knew when I quit in 2013 that I never wanted to start the process over. I Refuse to give away 2 years-that's 730 days, of growth and rebuilding. One of the things I find is important is to keep the pain fresh in my memory because an addicted brain is great at telling you that it probably wasn't as bad as you remember it to be-that you were stupid the first time and can totally control it now. I write about my worst memories from when I was controlled by this crap, I write about how I'm doing in my recovery because I can read it in a few months and realize just how far I have really come.

You are strong enough-you can take back your life. You just have to remind yourself on bad days that it's part of the process. That every day, be it a good day or not such a good day, you are one day further from that prison, one day closer to becoming the person you are meant to be!

I hope this has helped even just one person and keep coming back to this site because you shouldn't have to do it alone. Oh-and one more thing. I think one of the things that is vital to quitting for good is to come clean with others. First your doctor. Then family and friends. You don't have to tell them everything-just tell them you've been taking this medication and you don't like what it's done to you. It's a difficult medication to stop taking even if you do take it as prescribed and it would help them to know that. You don't want the added stress of trying to hide your struggle. When I stopped, I had to share a little bit with my 9 year old son. I didn't want him to think I was losing my mind or dying because I slept for the first 6 days. And you know what-he didn't know I had been taking the medication until I told him I was stopping but he was happy. He didn't like that I rarely slept, that I was always too busy with something to spend time with him. he just wanted his mom back and I was able to do that for him.

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you should kindly ask adderall to fuck off. it's addictive as hell. you aren't alone. everyone can be addicted to it. you didn't purposely want this life style. it's the drug. it's not you who has problems. it's the drug that creates problems. so when it helps for a day, it will make you go through a 5 day withdrawal. and i honestly hate adderall as much as you do. you have to learn to hate it. you haveto treat it worse than ebola and aids. because someone right now is dying from ebola. someone is dying from a car crash. there isn't a reason why you should live life feeling disabled by a drug. don't waste a lifetime doing that junk shit. im trying to persuade you to quit for good. please, don't take one tomorrow. don't let yourself down. you are important in this world. you probably know by now that adderall is fake happiness. 

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Thanks for that IMSTAS <3 ... It really is amazing how similar a lot of our stories are. I find bits and pieces of myself in pretty much any story I read on here. 

 

It definitely helps knowing I'm not alone. So nice to have others who understand. I am super glad that I finally became active on this site. Over the last few years, I had visited a couple of times and lurked in the shadows, reading others' posts... but it wasn't until I finally decided to become an active member and start posting that I really feel I am fully taking advantage of the support that is available here. So to anyone out there who is reading but staying silent, please share your story with us! You have no idea how much of a weight will be lifted off your shoulders. You wouldn't believe the impact one short message of encouragement and support from someone who truly "gets it" can have on your recovery. You guys give me the motivation and support that I have been lacking all the other countless times I have tried to quit. This time is for good, I just know it. 17 days of no Adderall down and going strong. I'm not going to say it's been easy, but I will say it's been worth it so far. I look forward to the person I will be 6-12 months from now. Nowhere but up from here :)

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I decided to not stay silent any longer thanks to your post!

Two years ago I decided I needed to stop depending on Adderall, I told my prescriber I was moving and couldn't see him any longer because I didn't have the courage to tell him I take those 90 pills in a few days and then go through hellish withdrawals. It was way more difficult than I thought it would be to get through daily life without them. I would think about them daily and obsess about how I could get some or if I should go back to that idiot doctor who I totally manipulated. Since then I have had numerous slips, stealing from my fiancé (who has ADHD and takes his prescription as prescribed (aka 1 pill per day) and actually hates taking them and may be stopping) he had no idea about how bad my addiction was until he saw how many pills I took from him and how he had to keep his prescription at his office because I can't control myself, and anytime he brings some home I steal them. I don't want to have these stupid slips. I don't want him to be be upset with me and worry about me. I want to be completely done with Adderall from here on out.

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I decided to not stay silent any longer thanks to your post!

Two years ago I decided I needed to stop depending on Adderall, I told my prescriber I was moving and couldn't see him any longer because I didn't have the courage to tell him I take those 90 pills in a few days and then go through hellish withdrawals. It was way more difficult than I thought it would be to get through daily life without them. I would think about them daily and obsess about how I could get some or if I should go back to that idiot doctor who I totally manipulated. Since then I have had numerous slips, stealing from my fiancé (who has ADHD and takes his prescription as prescribed (aka 1 pill per day) and actually hates taking them and may be stopping) he had no idea about how bad my addiction was until he saw how many pills I took from him and how he had to keep his prescription at his office because I can't control myself, and anytime he brings some home I steal them. I don't want to have these stupid slips. I don't want him to be be upset with me and worry about me. I want to be completely done with Adderall from here on out.

 

I'm so happy you're done with Adderall too. When you're done, you're done! I wish we never started! I feel like it would be hard living with your fiancé knowing that he has them. You said he might be stopping Adderall too... do you think maybe it could be something you guys could do together? It would be nice to have each other's support and I feel like it would give you a big reinforcement in your quit. It would also make things easier for you, knowing that stealing his pills is not an option anymore. I'm just throwing around ideas, I don't know. But maybe you could have a conversation with him about it and see what he thinks. Thanks for sharing your story and I'm thinking of you! You have my support 100%! I'm on here quite a bit if you ever need someone to talk to. I find it really helps <3

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are you sleeping okay yet? the first month, i had days on end where i could not sleep more than a few hours at a time. id wake up at 4:00 AM then toss and turn for hours. then finally id be so tired one day that i'd get a full nights sleep, but feel even MORE tired than those days without sleeping. 

 

you'll be happy to know that it all evened out for me after a month.

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My problem was staying awake. I slept for the first 6 days after I quit-only getting up to eat maybe once a day. My sleep didn't regulate fully until I started working and following a consistent schedule. I have never had the discipline to follow a routine unless I have to!

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I've been sleeping "okay". I notice I have had super vivid dreams and I am up multiple times during the night. It's interesting because I'm SO tired all the time yet I kind of have a hard time actually falling (and staying) asleep. I work 45-50 hours per week in a super busy dental office and I am absolutely WIPED at the end of the day after running around and talking to people (and acting "happy" and friendly) all day. I've been going to bed at 8pm most nights. 23 days down though, I'm really hoping to start getting some more energy soon.

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