NurseAddy

I can't believe it's me...

63 posts in this topic

@LuLamb First, congrats on 30 days! Second, I fully regretting my choice to take that spare pill as all I’m thinking about now is how to get more, how to get high again. Such a shame. I know for certain I’d take at least 5 pills in a day if given access to more, wrecking my health again, but it doesn’t matter. I just crave more. Evil little orange bastards....

@Tom23Jones I’m glad I could inspire you to keep on the straight and narrow path, if only I could practice what I preach. I’m just craving it like mad now, hoping not to score some the back route. The cravings have been relentless this past month for me. When did you stop craving it, if I may ask?

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13 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

 

@Tom23Jones I’m glad I could inspire you to keep on the straight and narrow path, if only I could practice what I preach. I’m just craving it like mad now, hoping not to score some the back route. The cravings have been relentless this past month for me. When did you stop craving it, if I may ask?

I obsessed over the urge to find more for awhile, at least a few months.  I also tried too hard to replace the feeling with caffeine and supplements.  At about the 6 month mark I remember it finally clicked that abusing adderall is just slowly committing suicide.  It also helped big time when I started replacing my bad habits with positive ones, meditating, exercise, eating healthy, NA Meetings, etc.

Lastly, once my crippling anxiety and panic attacks lifted, I knew I could never resort back to adderall which was the cause of my panic attacks.  I'll occasionally have anxiety but its very fleeting and manageable.  Unlike when I was abusing adderall, the panic attacks were full psychosis hell.

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@Tom23Jones I too have been taking caffeine pills to try and reproduce my high feelings, never with any luck. I suppose I naively expected this recovery to be quick when I abused for years and am only a month in to sobriety. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate you replying. May I ask what you did, specifically, at the beginning to help with the recovery? What exercises and how often etc?

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33 minutes ago, NurseAddy said:

@Tom23Jones I too have been taking caffeine pills to try and reproduce my high feelings, never with any luck. I suppose I naively expected this recovery to be quick when I abused for years and am only a month in to sobriety. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate you replying. May I ask what you did, specifically, at the beginning to help with the recovery? What exercises and how often etc?

yeah recovery is definitely not a linear process. And unfortunately you'll have good days and weeks which may be unexpectedly followed up by cravings and feeling of dread.  You just have to draw a line in the sand and embrace the suck and never look back. Just find comfort in knowing that all the shitty parts are normal and eventually you'll come out the other side.

A lot of people on here advocate that you treat yourself nicely and allow yourself to be lazy and netflix and chill but I think the opposite.  I think the faster you can rely on discipline the better.  Motivation is bullshit.  Anyone can do shit when they are motivated and excited.  The hard part is doing difficult things when arent motivated to do so.  So you don't feel like going to the gym? Your feelings don't get a vote, you go anyhow.  Through this struggle is where you really find yourself and start to value yourself.

I recommend a strength training program for 3 to 5 days per week.  Lifting weights can help lift depression and anxiety, also helps with cognitive function.

I also cannot recommend meditating enough. I thought it was just some hippy shit but it really does quiet the mind of all the background chatter and helps with focus.  I use the headspace app.  But none of this is instant gratification type stuff that us addie abusers are used to.  Its a slow organic process.  You might struggle sitting to meditate for weeks before you finally realize the subtle benefits.  

Lastly, NA meetings have been a huge part of my recovery.  I don't go as often anymore as I seldom think of adderall or alcohol but in the beginning when I was really white knuckleing it NA was there.  NA is another thing thats super weird at first but everyones story is always super relatable 

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@NurseAddy I want to second what @Tom23Jones is saying here. Patience, determination, exercise, some kind of meditation, and community are all going to help immensely. I loved interval cycling and running in early recovery. Something about the rhythm of alternating peak intensity and rest cleared my head. Run fast for a minute, walk for 2, run fast for a minute, and so on. Whatever fast means to you. It’ll help!

I’ve probably come across as one of the lazy, Netflix and chill people in the past, so I want to clarify what I mean by being kind to yourself. Sleep is being kind to yourself. So is eating well, learning to quiet your mind, and exercise. Eating garbage and being totally sedentary isn’t going to help anything. I have to admit I watched a lot of shows and ate a good deal of candy in recovery, but I also walked my dogs a few miles every day, lifted weights and ran 4-5 days a week. It helps immensely. The concept here for me was to push yourself without expecting perfection or overnight results. If you miss a workout or two, get right back at it instead of giving up. We can be an impatient bunch. Good luck!

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@Tom23Jones Thank you for your honesty. I can appreciate brutal honesty, as that is exactly what I need at the moment. You’re absolutely right, on all accounts. I miss the instant gratification, and sadly may always miss it, but the reality is that it’s an instant path to pure hell. I worry about NA meetings and being recognized as well as having a nursing license to protect. I will keep marinating on the idea though, thank you. 
 

@DrewK15 Thank you for your insight. I feel I’ve reaped the benefits of taking it easy, almost too much. Sometimes I feel like when I fall off the healthy wagon it makes me revert back to my old ways and cravings of wanting Adderall. Almost as if it’s a ‘what’s the point’ if I’m not bettering myself? I hope to jump back in the healthy wagon soon. 

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If I can offer up some advice here, don’t tell your doctor. Instead, make an appointment with a therapist or other doctor within their network and tell that person about your Adderall abuse. Be straight forward and say you’re abusing it and you want off it. 
It’s much much easier to tell this third party person to relay that you want off the meds rather than to tell the person who has been prescribing you for several years. It’s also a way to ensure you won’t be prescribed again. Of course, this is a nuclear option, but for some of us, myself included, it’s what needs to be done. I wish you the best of luck@NurseAddy:) 

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@Speeder906 I’ve actually already told my prescribing doc, but I understand the point you’re making, so thank you! For me, it wasn’t difficult to tell her as we have a great rapport. My new challenge is how to curb my cravings, any suggestions there?

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18 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

 My new challenge is how to curb my cravings, any suggestions there?

I used fake speed to curb my cravings.  Anything that was stimulating that did not contain a stimulant drug - like five hour energy, energy pills from GNC or truck stops, or even slamming redbull.  Vitamin B12 under the tongue gives a nice buzz.  I was almost as addicted to taking a pill on a regular basis as I was to the actual drug.  I used this approach well into the second year of my recovery. 

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23 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

@Speeder906 I’ve actually already told my prescribing doc, but I understand the point you’re making, so thank you! For me, it wasn’t difficult to tell her as we have a great rapport. My new challenge is how to curb my cravings, any suggestions there?

Oh good. Sorry if you've mentioned that already, I didn't have time to read all the replies. I just think cutting off the supply is the #1 thing I would recommend if trying to quit. 

I don't think there is a way to really "curb" cravings, but over time if you stick it out you'll see yourself slowly come back. I won't pretend like I didn't struggle and try to get back on it, but that stopped after around the year mark when I was truly remembering and conscious of the damage I was doing to my mind and my body. Perspective isn't something that can be found out of a bottle, in my opinion. 

I am sure it's been mentioned in this thread, but exercise and being more active definitely helped me get to where I am now. I am not the most healthy person, even less so when I was downing hundreds of mgs of Adderall a day for days in a row, but I would recommend finding some sort of physical activity to at very least take your mind off cravings. Cutting ties to things that remind you of Adderall help. Rearrange your living space, I also feels helps a little. I wish I had a direct answer, but at a certain point you just learn to deal with cravings and later they don't come up as often because you've filled that void or at least fill it on occasion. 

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@quit-once Thank you for your suggestions! I worry though, as with caffeine, I naively try to reproduce the feelings of the adderall high that’ll never happen. I’m sure supplements won’t either, and I understand that. Do the supplements just help you with your placebo effect? Have you tried CBD oil?

@Speeder906 Thank you for your reply! How long did it take for your cravings to dissipate? I need to get back on the exercise wagon, always easier said than done though. 

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14 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

Do the supplements just help you with your placebo effect? Have you tried CBD oil?

I am one who benefits from the placebo effect, so yes, that worked for me.  The only CBD product I have tried is a muscle ointment I got from my chiropractor.    CBD wasn't even a thing when I was recovering.

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