NurseAddy

I can't believe it's me...

75 posts in this topic

@LuLamb First, congrats on 30 days! Second, I fully regretting my choice to take that spare pill as all I’m thinking about now is how to get more, how to get high again. Such a shame. I know for certain I’d take at least 5 pills in a day if given access to more, wrecking my health again, but it doesn’t matter. I just crave more. Evil little orange bastards....

@Tom23Jones I’m glad I could inspire you to keep on the straight and narrow path, if only I could practice what I preach. I’m just craving it like mad now, hoping not to score some the back route. The cravings have been relentless this past month for me. When did you stop craving it, if I may ask?

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13 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

 

@Tom23Jones I’m glad I could inspire you to keep on the straight and narrow path, if only I could practice what I preach. I’m just craving it like mad now, hoping not to score some the back route. The cravings have been relentless this past month for me. When did you stop craving it, if I may ask?

I obsessed over the urge to find more for awhile, at least a few months.  I also tried too hard to replace the feeling with caffeine and supplements.  At about the 6 month mark I remember it finally clicked that abusing adderall is just slowly committing suicide.  It also helped big time when I started replacing my bad habits with positive ones, meditating, exercise, eating healthy, NA Meetings, etc.

Lastly, once my crippling anxiety and panic attacks lifted, I knew I could never resort back to adderall which was the cause of my panic attacks.  I'll occasionally have anxiety but its very fleeting and manageable.  Unlike when I was abusing adderall, the panic attacks were full psychosis hell.

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@Tom23Jones I too have been taking caffeine pills to try and reproduce my high feelings, never with any luck. I suppose I naively expected this recovery to be quick when I abused for years and am only a month in to sobriety. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate you replying. May I ask what you did, specifically, at the beginning to help with the recovery? What exercises and how often etc?

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33 minutes ago, NurseAddy said:

@Tom23Jones I too have been taking caffeine pills to try and reproduce my high feelings, never with any luck. I suppose I naively expected this recovery to be quick when I abused for years and am only a month in to sobriety. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate you replying. May I ask what you did, specifically, at the beginning to help with the recovery? What exercises and how often etc?

yeah recovery is definitely not a linear process. And unfortunately you'll have good days and weeks which may be unexpectedly followed up by cravings and feeling of dread.  You just have to draw a line in the sand and embrace the suck and never look back. Just find comfort in knowing that all the shitty parts are normal and eventually you'll come out the other side.

A lot of people on here advocate that you treat yourself nicely and allow yourself to be lazy and netflix and chill but I think the opposite.  I think the faster you can rely on discipline the better.  Motivation is bullshit.  Anyone can do shit when they are motivated and excited.  The hard part is doing difficult things when arent motivated to do so.  So you don't feel like going to the gym? Your feelings don't get a vote, you go anyhow.  Through this struggle is where you really find yourself and start to value yourself.

I recommend a strength training program for 3 to 5 days per week.  Lifting weights can help lift depression and anxiety, also helps with cognitive function.

I also cannot recommend meditating enough. I thought it was just some hippy shit but it really does quiet the mind of all the background chatter and helps with focus.  I use the headspace app.  But none of this is instant gratification type stuff that us addie abusers are used to.  Its a slow organic process.  You might struggle sitting to meditate for weeks before you finally realize the subtle benefits.  

Lastly, NA meetings have been a huge part of my recovery.  I don't go as often anymore as I seldom think of adderall or alcohol but in the beginning when I was really white knuckleing it NA was there.  NA is another thing thats super weird at first but everyones story is always super relatable 

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@NurseAddy I want to second what @Tom23Jones is saying here. Patience, determination, exercise, some kind of meditation, and community are all going to help immensely. I loved interval cycling and running in early recovery. Something about the rhythm of alternating peak intensity and rest cleared my head. Run fast for a minute, walk for 2, run fast for a minute, and so on. Whatever fast means to you. It’ll help!

I’ve probably come across as one of the lazy, Netflix and chill people in the past, so I want to clarify what I mean by being kind to yourself. Sleep is being kind to yourself. So is eating well, learning to quiet your mind, and exercise. Eating garbage and being totally sedentary isn’t going to help anything. I have to admit I watched a lot of shows and ate a good deal of candy in recovery, but I also walked my dogs a few miles every day, lifted weights and ran 4-5 days a week. It helps immensely. The concept here for me was to push yourself without expecting perfection or overnight results. If you miss a workout or two, get right back at it instead of giving up. We can be an impatient bunch. Good luck!

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@Tom23Jones Thank you for your honesty. I can appreciate brutal honesty, as that is exactly what I need at the moment. You’re absolutely right, on all accounts. I miss the instant gratification, and sadly may always miss it, but the reality is that it’s an instant path to pure hell. I worry about NA meetings and being recognized as well as having a nursing license to protect. I will keep marinating on the idea though, thank you. 
 

@DrewK15 Thank you for your insight. I feel I’ve reaped the benefits of taking it easy, almost too much. Sometimes I feel like when I fall off the healthy wagon it makes me revert back to my old ways and cravings of wanting Adderall. Almost as if it’s a ‘what’s the point’ if I’m not bettering myself? I hope to jump back in the healthy wagon soon. 

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If I can offer up some advice here, don’t tell your doctor. Instead, make an appointment with a therapist or other doctor within their network and tell that person about your Adderall abuse. Be straight forward and say you’re abusing it and you want off it. 
It’s much much easier to tell this third party person to relay that you want off the meds rather than to tell the person who has been prescribing you for several years. It’s also a way to ensure you won’t be prescribed again. Of course, this is a nuclear option, but for some of us, myself included, it’s what needs to be done. I wish you the best of luck@NurseAddy:) 

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@Speeder906 I’ve actually already told my prescribing doc, but I understand the point you’re making, so thank you! For me, it wasn’t difficult to tell her as we have a great rapport. My new challenge is how to curb my cravings, any suggestions there?

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18 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

 My new challenge is how to curb my cravings, any suggestions there?

I used fake speed to curb my cravings.  Anything that was stimulating that did not contain a stimulant drug - like five hour energy, energy pills from GNC or truck stops, or even slamming redbull.  Vitamin B12 under the tongue gives a nice buzz.  I was almost as addicted to taking a pill on a regular basis as I was to the actual drug.  I used this approach well into the second year of my recovery. 

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23 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

@Speeder906 I’ve actually already told my prescribing doc, but I understand the point you’re making, so thank you! For me, it wasn’t difficult to tell her as we have a great rapport. My new challenge is how to curb my cravings, any suggestions there?

Oh good. Sorry if you've mentioned that already, I didn't have time to read all the replies. I just think cutting off the supply is the #1 thing I would recommend if trying to quit. 

I don't think there is a way to really "curb" cravings, but over time if you stick it out you'll see yourself slowly come back. I won't pretend like I didn't struggle and try to get back on it, but that stopped after around the year mark when I was truly remembering and conscious of the damage I was doing to my mind and my body. Perspective isn't something that can be found out of a bottle, in my opinion. 

I am sure it's been mentioned in this thread, but exercise and being more active definitely helped me get to where I am now. I am not the most healthy person, even less so when I was downing hundreds of mgs of Adderall a day for days in a row, but I would recommend finding some sort of physical activity to at very least take your mind off cravings. Cutting ties to things that remind you of Adderall help. Rearrange your living space, I also feels helps a little. I wish I had a direct answer, but at a certain point you just learn to deal with cravings and later they don't come up as often because you've filled that void or at least fill it on occasion. 

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@quit-once Thank you for your suggestions! I worry though, as with caffeine, I naively try to reproduce the feelings of the adderall high that’ll never happen. I’m sure supplements won’t either, and I understand that. Do the supplements just help you with your placebo effect? Have you tried CBD oil?

@Speeder906 Thank you for your reply! How long did it take for your cravings to dissipate? I need to get back on the exercise wagon, always easier said than done though. 

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14 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

Do the supplements just help you with your placebo effect? Have you tried CBD oil?

I am one who benefits from the placebo effect, so yes, that worked for me.  The only CBD product I have tried is a muscle ointment I got from my chiropractor.    CBD wasn't even a thing when I was recovering.

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Day 1 began today. I caved to my addiction, I caved to Adderall. Disappointment and depression have set it and all I honestly want is to have more Adderall to escape the feelings of regret. I went so far as to call my PCP and convince her to reinstate my script. Fucking ridiculous. I can’t believe I caved. Still can’t believe I’m such a slave to this drug. 
 

I know now I can’t win this battle on my own, and even though this site gives me more courage than I ever could by myself, I need help. Hoping to reach out to some counselors once I come out of my post adderall fog. No one deserves the torment of being an addict. I hope someone else can read this and know failure happens, but success can be achieved as long as you keep trying and try I will. Best of luck to everyone trying to kick the addy addict in them. We can do this!

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Don't beat yourself up!  It's not ridiculous that you caved.  If you think about what adderall does to your brain, it's a miracle that anyone ever quits (I mean that to say that recovery is precious, not that anyone should feel that quitting is too hard)! 

I definitely relapsed many times myself.

Forgive yourself, look after yourself, but take action immediately!  Cut off your future self and burn any bridges that may catch you later.  Get that script shut down and tell your doctor everything!

I applaud you for seeking help from counsellors.  Great plan! :) stay strong

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@NurseAddy did you pick up the script? First things first. Time to cut off the supply and work from there. Have you seen a counselor before? If so, you can assume that alone isn’t going to be enough to keep you sober. Don’t get me wrong, counseling is great, it was a part of my recovery and helped me immensely. But something has to change this time. I believe in persistence, getting back up again, and never giving up. I believe there is more than one successful way to beat this addiction. But I also believe that if you change nothing, nothing will change. 
 

You can do this. I’m cheering you on!

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@DrewK15 Thank you so much for the advice and kind words! Have not picked up the script as I can’t until the 16th anyway. Thought about cutting it off again but I just end up spending more money bumming stimulants off other connections. That being said, I genuinely WANT to not be tied down to this stupid drug. I’ve never seen a counselor before and actually just called to get into one today. Hopefully I hear back before the 16th. I’m also signing up for a gym. Pulling out all the stops in hopes I can kick the addiction. Thank you again! 

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Hi NurseAddy, 

After reading on this site for months I thought it was finally time to chime in.  YOU are the reason I quit my adderall addiction.  YOU are the one that finally gave me my courage.  Like you, I am a nurse, I am 28 years old, and I couldn't imagine how I could possibly function in my life and at my job without my meds.  But you made me realize I could.  I quit on November 10th, 2019 and it was the best decision I have ever made - 92 days FREE from adderall.  Don't get me wrong, I am still struggling.  But even on my worst days of depression, it's better than any day of adderall addiction.  I am sorry to hear about you having to go through day 1 again. But I want to remind you of something... 
 

@mad_stoic I couldn’t agree with @sleepystupid more about NEEDING off the pills. The want seems like it will never be there, but the innate NEED for your body and mind to be sober is incredibly strong once you actually step out of the nightmare of adderall and into a scary reality of sobriety. It’s terrifying, but flush those oval f*ckers and force yourself into at least a month of no access so you realize what your missing. Don’t get me wrong, the first week or two is a big ole bitch, but once your body starts re-stabilizing, the realm of sobriety warms you like adderall never could.

You don’t NEED Adderall, it needs you. You don’t need a crutch, a comfort blanket or a way out. You need help. You deserve a life of not being chained to pills, not wondering when the next refill is, not calculating how many pills you have left till you’re out, not racking your brain thinking of how to score more, not dreading the crash after a binge and not fearing when there’s only one pill left. You deserve to sleep, eat and feel normal. You deserve to live reality and not escape it. You deserve to live, without adderall. 

Do NOT be fooled, there is no connection nor harmonizing with adderall. We are addicts, there is no two way street nor will there ever be. We are slaves to a fake notion of happiness. We live in a fantasy that was once adderall and is no longer obtainable through addiction. Whatever feeling, productivity or studying ability you’re trying to recreate time and time again, will drift further and further away along with your mind, friends, family and happiness. I promise. 

It’s crazy how much different sober feels from the addict. Granted, I’m still scared shitless of what I may have irreversibly ruined, but I’ve promised myself a life I want to live. What’s the point of living when all you live for is the next pill? You deserve more, we all do. 
 

Best wishes.

YOU wrote that!!  You can do this.  

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@OnTheMend Thank you. Thank you so much for chiming in. I needed to read that. We’re all in this together. No matter the relapses and rehab stints, I hope we can all rely on each other, much like you have for me and now I for you. Congratulations on 92 days. What a fucking feat! Keep it up!

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I’m sorry to keep chiming in on my thread, but I’ve hit a bit of a wall. My refill date is the 20th, I’ve reached out to some counselors by both phone and email but I’ve heard nothing. My 15yo dog had to be mercy euthanized lastnight and I’m struggling to not want to escape the pain the best way I know how. I’ve also tried signing up to go to the gym but never end up going. Do I have to actually go into these offices to get an appt? I told them all I have insurance and money so I’m baffled that I haven’t heard back. I was hoping to see someone before the refill date rolled around and now that I‘ve lost what felt like my child (I have no children) I’m really trying to not cave. Any advice/words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Feeling like a broken soul with a broken heart and the addict is feeding off that flame. ☹️

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@NurseAddy  so sorry to hear about your dog :(

no one needs to tell you this (because you already know), but you can't let the addict in you use these things to rationalize using again. taking Adderall again won't bring your dog back, nor will it make counselors reach back out to you. Adderall literally solves none of these problems! in fact, it will eventually just add to them.

FWIW, i've always had a really hard time with the exercising part of recovery, but i do remember quite vividly a day that seemed absolutely unbearable. i somehow forced myself on a bike for a half hour and it was like magic - POOF - despair erased for at least the rest of the day! you've got a few days until the refill, you at least owe it to yourself to try everything before caving.

*PS. don't cave though (: 

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@sleepystupid Thank you. Thank you for always being around to comment/advise/reply. It’s crazy how much difference a small response makes in this world of addiction. I appreciate you. 18 days and counting! 

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I just read about you losing your dog.  I'm really sorry for your loss.  Losing a pet is the hardest kind of loss to take.  My 11 year old German Shepherd died last November and I have had bouts of depression come and go all winter long.  I've started looking at puppies on the web and it won't be long until I have a new pet.    @sleepystupid is right about the exercise.  I have a home workout program that I do at least twice per week for about an hour  each time.  It helps keep my mood stable.  You don't need Adderall in your life anymore.   Just fight the good fight and before you know it, it will be spring and things will start looking up.

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@quit-once Thank you for your condolences and the same to you from me. I can obviously empathize with you and can’t imagine the loss of a child if this is what losing a fur child is like. Utter darkness, for sure. 
 

Thank you also for the advice, it’s time I get my phat ass to the gym. Make it my new addiction. New attitude, no adderall. 

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