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About clp0001

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  • Birthday 02/10/1982

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    Thank God for August 12th, 2014 - my first day sober from Adderall after 15 years. That day I was reborn and for the next year, my therapist literally led me through the steps of growth that an infant goes through when learning to acclimate to the foreign newly found world around them. Two years later my brain is starting to relate to my newly found world and the fog, terror, panic, boredom and disorientation of my initial withdrawal is lifting to reveal a future that is sustainable and healthy. I never thought I'd go back to grad school without Adderall, but I've decided to pursue a degree in Buddhist psychology. This is the only path that feels like the natural antidote to my insane, speed-filled 15 years on Adderall.

    Hopefully, I can help people through their recovery as I have been blessed with so many helpful people through mine. I was prescribed 160mg of Adderal a DAY for years. If I can quit, so can you. Never give up.

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  1. I've been researching the drug and I don't see any laws around dosage limit, but I did read that you can sue if a psychiatrist practices out of normal ethical standards and if another psychiatrist can verify that he was prescribing way too much. my next psychiatrist after him was shocked by the dose and would only prescribe me 40mg a day (thank god! Because that was the only way I got to a low enough dose to quit and it was the first time I was informed that my dose of 160mg a day was insane). The pharmacy would call him to preauthorize that it was the right dosage and he'd say yes and they'd give it to me. I thought a preauthorization was normal for controlled substances but from reading more I don't think it's always necessary unless the dose is ridiculously high. The insurance company didn't say anything either and I went through insurance. My multiple therapists and internist thought it sounded high but they didn't say I should stop taking it. There was a long line of people involved in making this seem like an acceptable dose but I don't think any of them can be held liable because i don't think it's an illegal dose, I think it's just a really unethical dose.
  2. Thank you for your help BeHereNow! I'm so sorry to hear about your car accident and how long it all took. I talked to one of the best mal-practice lawyers in Denver where I live who I was connected with by an acquaintance. He said the same thing and said the case could end up being much more expensive then their lawfirm can afford or risk. But he wants me to call him back when I know more about my heart because I'm still getting information back from tests done this week. Hopefully, the tests come back normal and healthy and I was misdiagnosed, but if there is expensive and extensive permanent heart damage, he wants me to call back. Anyway, thanks again for your help and sorry again about your car crash.
  3. Thank you, Doge! That definitely means a lot and makes me not feel alone.
  4. I think you're definitely helping a lot of people and when people drift away, it can also be for good reasons. Since getting clean, I've only reached out to this site twice both of which when I've been super struggling. So when I wasn't writing I was doing better than when I did write. But I'm going to try to stay involved more with the boards now. Thanks for the support about finishing my book. I hope to do that and am going to try to let it come naturally this time instead of forcing it to get done by using Adderall. Have a good night! 🌻
  5. Cool! Thanks for the suggestions. I was obsessed with writing and wrote half of a memoir while on Adderall that documented a lot of my struggles with the drug. But now that I'm off the drug, I haven't written to try to address what recovery is like or that it's possible. I've been too busy just trying to be able to do the dishes and take walks. Anyway, when you mentioned you want to write a book, it made me realize that I could try to write the second half of my book sober to try to help people. And I think you should start that book you've been wanting to write! You have so much amazing advice and wisdom. Seriously, reading some of your posts made me hope I can have such insight with clients someday when I'm a therapist which is the goal with the Buddhist Psych degree. You could even compile all of your posts on as a starting point for your book and then flesh out your ideas and the advice you've already thought of to help people on this site. Just my two cents.
  6. Thank you for the support. I am really lucky I didn't have a heart attack! Everyday was like Russian roulette. I'm so glad that's over
  7. Thank you, Frank B! That helps to know.
  8. LILTEX41, Thank you so so much. I'm printing what you wrote and putting it on my fridge as a reminder of the silver linings in my situation. You are truly very wise and I am so grateful that you took the time to write all of this. Even though I've been in bed most of today again, I haven't been beating myself up over it like I was yesterday because your words have reminded me of the bigger picture. Im also realizing it's not the end of the world that I haven't left the house much all week and am eating tons of pizza and cookies. My partner reminded me that I have to be proud of myself that that's all I'm doing and that at least I'm not relapsing on Adderall or something just as damaging. Also, reading more about you on your profile, I'm so happy for you and how far you are in your recovery. That's amazing that you have done all of those marathons! That's very inspiring! With what you were saying about helping others with my story, do you have any suggestions for where and how I could do so? I read your story in Self which is amazing. I can relate to the psychosis so much. How else do you share your story? Thank you again! (((Hugs)))
  9. So, I just found out I have a serious heart arrhythmia from all of my years on Adderall. (I posted my back story in a past post last year biggest fear has come true and it's making me so depressed. I've felt paralyzed for the last few weeks since finding out. I'm scared for the long term probability of heart medicines, heart surgery or god forbid a heart transplant. And this is particularly jarring because I was feeling hopeful with natural energy just one month ago after two years of a torturous physical and psychological withdrawal process. Just before I got this news about my heart, I had started exercising and had decided to go to grad school for Buddhist psychology (the exact opposite mentality and psychological philosophy than Adderall promotes) and was getting out of the house more. But now I'm just laying around obsessively researching different heart problems associated with Adderall use, how to sue my old prescribing psychiatrist and feeling disassociated, hopeless and pissed off at my old psychiatrist, myself, my ignorance and of course- Adderall- the devil's drug. All of this anxiety, grief and paralysis is making me feel like I'm back in the first month after quitting, which is horrible as many of you know. I don't know what to do and how to feel hopeful again and get back on track. Can anyone help?
  10. I was prescribed Adderall from 2000-2014 with the dose increasing to 160mg a day for the last 4 or 5 years (from 2009-2014). During those years I had psychosis, auditory hallucinations and OCD all of which have disappeared since being off the drug for two years. My primary reason for deciding to pursue action now after much deliberation is that this week I've been wearing a heart monitor 24 hours a day and the cardiologist just called to say I have severe palpitations (that I can feel and had felt for years on adderall). The electrophysiologist said I have Atrial Flutter and I have to go in next Thursday for a echocardiogram. The drug has such a high risk for heart problems and the dose he prescribed was toxic. The one difficulty with the research regarding heart problems and Adderall is that most research is based on normal doses of 20mg or high doses like 90mg. I don't think there are any studies of the effect of 160mg of Adderall a day for years. That amount is more similar to meth or cocaine (unbeknownst to me back then) from what I've learned recently. Also, I had high blood pressure while I was on Adderall and the psychiatrist insisted (to the point of an argument) that it was from weight gain rather than the 160mg he had me on. I have had normal blood pressure since going off even at a higher weight. Do I have a potential law case against my psychiatrist who prescribed me 160mg of Adderall a day? I was told that was 4x the recommended dose. (If anyone knows where I can verify that, please let me know.) Thank you for your help!
  11. One year later and struggling more and more

    Thank you Greg! Your advice is really helpful! I'm glad to at least know its going to be many more years until I feel better even though that feels like forever. It's good to have some sort of idea. And yes I am thankful everyday for no more psychosis. I can't believe I used to put up with so many more mental health problems than I needed too. Congrats on how far you've come and thanks again.
  12. One year later and struggling more and more

    Thanks Zerokewl! I don't drink alcohol, which I highly recommend to anyone with depression. I definitely need to exercise more for sure. Thanks for the reminder and support!
  13. One year later and struggling more and more

    Thank you Cassie and CarpeDiem! @Cassie - thank you for letting me know that the more years on adderall the longer it will take to get my natural resources back. I thought that might be the case, but hadn't heard that specifically. Also, I agree on a job. I also need to pay back debt I accumulated while on speed. Ugh. I hate that drug! And congrats on being almost 4 years clean! Wow. I can't wait for that day! @CarpeDiem - that's such a coincidence about our stories! Thanks for sharing about your journey! (I also drink a ton of sugar free red bull some days! Lol.) Congrats on 70 days and keep up the good work!
  14. One year later and struggling more and more

    Thank you Grumpycat!! That makes me feel better when you say it like that!
  15. One year later and struggling more and more

    Thank you for both of your responses! It helps me feel less alone to know that recovery isn't a perfect upward slope on a graph but has its ups and downs (bk whopper Wednesday's for example or pizza and cupcakes for me lol). I have therapy now so I'm going to go see what my therapist has to offer too. Thanks again!!