amh0624

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About amh0624

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  1. here again wtf

    So I'm really down right now. I went an entire week without adderall, and relapsed (yesterday) and it never fails. I literally get a script and immediately start popping adderall like candy which ultimately leads to a very edgy feeling that drives me to drink alcohol in large quantities. And here I am on a Sunday night up at 2:30 am after a long day on addy and an evening of heavy drinking- still can't sleep and I have to work tomorrow bright and early. What the hell am I doing? I can't live like this and I know it. My 11yr old son even told me this evening that, mom, I think you've had plenty enough to drink. WTF! This is not the mom I want them to know me or remember me by. I really must look like a crazy person on the outside, if my kids are even noticing. I need help. This path I'm heading down only leads to complete missry and utter destruction...yet I can't bring myself to dump the last few pills I have. HELP! What should I do and how can I successfully get off this merry go round? I'm pretty sure complete sobriety is going to be the only way for me. Alcohol is also killing me, mainly because after about 2-3 drinks I'm feeling pretty good and all judgement goes flying out the window. It's like a totally different person appears when I drink...a person only focused on partying as hard as humanly possible. I want to be a good person, one that volunteers and helps others and most importantly I want to have my kids look up to me and say later than their mom cared and mostly tried to do the right thing. Not that there mom is a sloppy drunk party animal. I know where I want to be, and it is not here, tweeked out and starting to feel a hangover from drinking a ton till 11pm. So what do I do? Where do it start? I can't live like this and I know it. So essentially what would y'all do, quit it all cold turkey or start by stopping the alcohol and then taper back down the addy???
  2. Tyranny of the "Shoulds"

    I "should" really check that out....I mean I know I really need to be reading more.... seriously though, have you read any of Brene Brown's books? She has a similar view point- main theme is quit trying to be the version of you you think you should be, and embrace who you are. The fatalistic flaw of the type A perfectionist...to always strive to be " " enough.., thin enough, smart enough, good looking enough.... Enough is enough!!! I am enough...says Brene..
  3. HOPE

    Thank you Frank for commenting. I totally agree with you on what you said. First off I think I need to get a support system going. Because of my past drug abuse history I've not wanted to let my husband and family down, so they don't know I'm even taking adderall right now, none the less that I have a problem with it. I've kept thinking to myself if I just stop then I can keep the secret and not have to hurt anyone. Only problem is I'm hurting myself in the process here. And that's definitely reassuring that you were ok after 9years, that's really awesome. I keep going through these stupid boughts of paranoia that the whites of my eyes are turning yellow and that my stomach is bloated- in my mind a sure sign of liver inflammation/disease. So it's crazy that even with that self inflicted fear and paranoia that I can't stop and stay off this stuff! The taper method was how I kicked opiods- I ended up having to get on methadone, and eventually tapers from that- and that was really rough. About a month of mild flu like symptoms. My only saving grace was I started training for a triathlon and the endorphins from the exercise were the only thing that made me feel halfway decent. This time around I'm older and busier and working about 50-55 hrs a week and don't have the luxury of exercising 1-2hrs a day. And am pretty sure exercise is the last thing you can do in the initial stages of withdrawal from adderall. Sleeping and eating is about all I can muster for at least 3-5 days post last dose of adderall. So I know I want to quit, I guess I need to seriously sit down and be completely honest with myself and family and go from there. Thanks again for the support and advice. I appreciate it!!
  4. HOPE

    Hi Lil Tex- thank you so much for sharing! I've been following this forum among so many others on this site and it has been extremely helpful for me. I need to take the time to sit down and write my story, it's certainly a long one, but it basically involves the past 20 years, in which I have had some really hard times of struggle followed by years (8) of sobriety only to end up in struggle yet again! I'm currently in a period of struggle and adderall and alcohol is the current "demise" of my choice, though I've basically suffered over the years from everything from heroin/opiod addiction (15yrs clean of heroin) to food addiction/eating disorders to adderall addiction and even exercise addiction (although that was part and parcel to the eating disorder). Without going into too much my main concern right now is that I have never been a big "drinker" and never really cared for alcohol- but this time around on adderall (which has been about 16 months) I've started drinking pretty regularly 4-5/days a week and about 2-4 drinks/day some day less. I believe I started using alcohol to combat the edginess of the adderall. And this time around on adderall the doctor I seeing has ansolutely no problem raising my dose, and has prescribed 30mg 2/day. I absolutely do not want to go down this road anymore as I already know where it leads and is completely unsustainable. I know I can quit- I've done it several times before, but this time I just keep relapsing. Things happen and I'll rationalize that in x days or x weeks I'll get through this situation and then be able to stop...you know how this goes! On and on the merry go round we addicts go. I think for me, ultimatums are generally the best way to snap out of the vicious cycle, and right now my ultimatum I fear is that I am doing severe harm to my liver. I am so scared to get blood work, but know that I really need to take care of myself and my health, not just for me but for my husband and kids. (Aged 8 & 11). At the same time I'm also worried that if the results come back ok and show my liver function is good, I'll not stop and continue using because my brain will talk me into it!!! And there's the hilarity of this situation-and just how crazy your mind becomes when it's addicted. I My main question beyond simply sharing this and seeking support from those here in recovery or attempting recovery, is this: 1. How many years did you take adderall and drink heavily? AND 2. When you finally quit did have your liver/kidneys checked? Thank you to all for being here on this forum, reading these posts, and contributing. It really means so much to have a place to talk about these se in confiden. and with those who truly understand...so can't say thank you enough. I hope to
  5. Liver function?

    Hi there! I'm new to this site and forum. I hope to be able to share my story in full in another post, but I was wondering if anyone had their liver function checked when they quit or while they were still taking meds? I know several addy users have mentioned drinking more alcohol to combat the edgy crash. I've read that alcohol and adderall is extremely toxic to the liver. Has anyone had liver issues arise following adderall usage?