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Everything posted by marybelle

  1. I am five days clean.. which isn't an accomplishment, but kind of is to me because its the longest I've gone without Adderall in three years. I feel good and bad. I feel more like myself already, not the robot which Adderall made me be for years. I actually laughed more today then the last three years combined. But I AM BORED. The depression is real, I WANT to do so many things, but I just can't. That is making me want Adderall so bad. Also Ive already gained weight. I have a photoshoot tomorrow, and know that after I see the pics I am going to want to go right back to Adderall. Assuming I can even make it through the photoshoot. I saw someone said its like going from 100 mph to 25 and that is SO TRUE. I feel like life is crawling by.. which leads me to believe Adderall does something to our perception of time. I really don't know what the point of this was, but I was just so fucking bored I decided to write it. I really am hopeful about this attempt at quitting, I know my triggers which I just stated... the wanting to be a super hero and get shit done also the weight gain. I know this will tempt me but for the first time I don't think those things are worth the roller coaster anymore. anyway.. hope everyone reading this is having a great Adderall free day

    Anyone in the city of angels struggling with this pill of literal heaven and actual hell???

    hey no we never did.. but I haven't checked this in a while.. there are about 5 of us now I believe in LA area. we should plan for something!
  4. Triggers

    he asked about triggers and I said my trigger is my appetite being a model, my body is something that makes me money it is my job. of course it FEELS better to accomplish fitness goals off addy but again I was mentioning MY TRIGGER which is decrease in hunger. if only quitting were that easy "omg it just FEELS BETTER off Adderall" yeah no shit. thats why I'm here. it isn't that easy, I am on this site because Adderall is ruining my life. where in the hell did I say my life is golden??
  5. Triggers

    yes my body is actually that hot thanks to Adderall and my workout routine. I still eat on Adderall but defiantly a lot less. I'm not Adderall skinny. I eat healthy and go to the gym but Adderall helps with the food portions a ton because I struggled with overeating before. I'm really not trying to sound cocky or whatever its just the truth... its something that I personally have struggled always going to back to adderal because the decrease of appetite
  6. Triggers

    for me its my hot ass body & all the money I save on food :/ both times I tried to quit and I get my appetite back I always remember thinking to myself.. how to humans have the time or money to eat this fucking much in a day??
  7. Hello All- I feel bad writing this post because I've read so many amazing recovery (at least the people I have been following) and here I am, UNABLE to quit. Last time I was here I was writing to say I was quiting and that lasted alll of three days. Something really odd happened though. So.. my insurance only works in my hometown so I have to go back every 2 months to get new scrips. I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it back home anytime soon so the last month I had Adderall, I was BARELY using it because I was having so much anxiety about running out and not being able to get more. I actually had my month worth for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. I was going days without taking it and never taking more than one a day when I felt like I really needed it. I WAS TAKING NAPS INSTEAD OF POPPING PILLS WHEN I WAS TIRED. It was great. My relationships were better, my sex drive increased, I was enjoying life for the first time in a long time. And then I ran out. I went home, got my script and have been binging since. its been about a week. taking 20-100 mg a day. I've isolated myself from everyone, I am depressed or cracked out. I HATE THIS DRUG. I don't understand... I KNOW LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT IT WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF I think I might need professional help, but I just can't bring myself to tell my parents. I am giving myself these last two scripts, I am not going to make my trip home to get a refill, so hopefully that will monitor my intake like before, I can make as much money as I can at the strip club and then quit cold turkey one last attempt before seeking help. I just really am thankful for this site. Who fucking knows where I would be right now without it. Probably still thinking this rollercoaster Adderall life is normal. Anyway thanks for listening. Hopeful to have a recovery story one day. Xx MaryBelle
  8. Second attempt at quitting failed

    aw okay thank you! and congrats xx
  9. Second attempt at quitting failed

    SO TRUE. I have failed twice but I did learn so much each time about why I was relapsing and what I could do differently next time. thank you.
  10. Writing off/after Adderall

    whats this other website @mike??!
  11. 5 Years of Betrayal to My Soul

    how has recovery been for you? can you share a little? @Virginia
  12. Quitting (again)

    Hi guys- I haven't been on here since the last time I said I was quitting because that attempt failed miserably, but I know why... even though I knew I needed to quit, deep down I didn't want to. I still loved Adderall. I still loved being high and feeling productive. I just got done with a week of taking 50 mg a day.. and I am SO OVER THIS DRUG. The high's aren't even enjoyable anymore and not sleeping SUCKS. I don't party on the weekends anymore, going to crazy after hours raves like I used too, nor do I have to worry about school so taking this much Adderall just doesn't make since in my life anymore. Im four months into a nine month acting intensive and the weeks where I am taking more addy than normal I suck in class, I can't show real emotion and actually forgot what it was like to FEEL HUMAN EMOTIONS. Im seeing how zombie like this drug has made me this year. these classes make me want to stop. I want to stop. It has been two days since my last pill (nothing big), but I actually got out of my apartment and went grocery shopping / allowed myself to come down without feeling guilty about it. I am happy to be feeling down, which is better than cracked out. The ONLY thing I'm worried about is my body.. (stupid I know) but being 22 in LA, man is it nice to have the body I do. Its praised. It makes me money at my strip club. I am going to try and eat healthy, but I know weight gain is inevitable. I have cut off the ties to my doctor and gave the last of my pills to my friend, but I know once I start to gain weight I will want those pills!! I am going to stay close to these boards though because hearing so many of you seeing light at the end of the tunnel will keep me motivated. Also everytime I do something that I could not do on Adderall like take a nap or see a little bit of my real personality I feel great. Its all a mind game. I know the addiction will be on one shoulder telling me all the same stupid reasons I SHOULD take a pill, but on the either side is actually enjoying life again and I am determined to get there. Thanks for listening. xx
  13. Im right there with you! I am so ready to quit.. I finally WANT to quit, but I am sure going to miss my banging body
  14. My Struggle As A Stripper

    I was prescribed adderall one year ago. Before it, my life was a mess. I was depressed, unable to function and would shut down when work and school became too much. I tried numerous other anti depressants before addy and nothing worked. Finally I was diagnosed with ADHD, which runs in my family and started taking adderall. I was prescribed to take two 20mg a day. I only took 10 mg a day for about 5 months and felt better than ever. I made sure to get enough sleep and make sure I was eating dispute my loss of appetite. I started hanging out with this girl who soon became my best friend. I did not know at the time she was a heavy addict to adderall. She soon started to get me to take it recreationally as well. When we would go out, I started popping 5mg and 10mg here and there. She ran her own company and would pressure me to stay up with her all night working and popping addy like candy. My tolerance quickly built and now I am fucked. I still stick to my 20mg a day as prescribed but on weekends / at music events / anything that requires me to be social ill be taking anywhere between 60-120mg more. My life was an adderall rollercoaster. I am no longer friends with that girl, and was able to somewhat get to the place I was before I met her. I tried quitted and succeeded but my life was in the same helpless dark adhd place i was before i started. I know I have to stick to my dose and not abuse it, however my job as a stripper/ entertainer is very late hours and requires alot of mental energy. I am naturally introverted and adderall helps me with that. It helps me focus on what my customers are saying to me in the club instead of being distracted by all the other stimulation going on around me. It makes me 10 times more confident and talkative. Or I'm coming down and I am a spacy strung out mess, so what do i do? pop another half. I get home from the club at 5 am. A full nights rest is just not realistic in my work. I am out of control, and adderall is the only thing that makes me feel in control. I tell myself dont take another one youve taken too many, but my tolerance is so high that when I finally take it, I feel calm and more normal than before. Once again im in an addy emotional rollercoaster that I do not know how to get off nor do I want too but I know i need too.
  15. My Struggle As A Stripper

    Omg @Lovebear congratulations.. that is amazing, and it feels really good to hear that you feel like you are back to your old self and are able to work and thrive. Do you mind asking me what state you are dancing in?
  16. San Francisco Bay Area

    hi @Rachel and @Badderall and anyone else still reading this and interested.. i live in LA but will be in SF this coming weekend, I would love to meet for coffee or something if anyone would be interested. I am using adderall. (not binging) but want to stop. would like to meet up with people who have struggled with this drug too. let me know x
  17. Hi everyone- A few of you know that I have been in denial about quitting / wanting to quit. i thought I could control my dosage and I was lying to myself when I said adderall helps me. Adderall does not do anything but put me in a vicious self destructing cycle. I want my personality, since of humor, and the want for friends back. i want to relax and enjoy life. I binged twice this month. Once at a music festival and then in the following week to work long hours at my job to make up for being out of town. for those of you who do not know, I work as a stripper. A Lot of the other dancers do the job sober, and they make more money because they are not caught up in partying. I hope that once I quit adderall, I will still be able to do my job, because I like it. I know adderall tricks you into thinking you like doing shit you dont, but I love dancing and if anything adderall is hurting my work performance. It makes me disassociate and too cracked out to hold a conversation. Fortunately, I have made enough money during my binge, to go the next month work free and then I will only have to go in twice a week following that month to pay my current bills. That is enough time to get my brain chemically dependent off addy, and then I can see what life will be like as a sober stripper.... that will be interesting. ANYWAY.... I AM FREAKING OUT because I just flushed precious pills down the toilet. I cant believe I did that when I just drove an hour yesterday to buy 15 more to hold me over until I can pick up my script next week. I AM ALSO PROUD OF MYSELF for doing so... I obviously could not do the wean off method.. I failed MISERABLY. I don't have any pills to tempt me, and after reading the articles on this blog about how to quit OVER AND OVER and reading through the forums for hours on addy.... I can say that I am READY to quit. So here it goes guys... here begins my quitting journey... just looking at the first 30 days ahead without adderall scares the shit out of me, but being stuck in this addy tornado forever scares me more. Never thought I would ever flush pills down the toilet.... im sad that I let things get so out of hand, but im also hopeful and ready for a new life. No one knows about my addiction or my quitting, so in a way writing this is my support. I am so lucky to have found this site or else I would have never thought there was hope in recovery.
  18. Just Flushed Pills!!!! QUITTING

    @Lillyloo One of the main reasons I am quitting is because I don't care to have any friends anymore. None of my friendships are above surface level, and I defiantly know what you mean when you say there is a "calmer" energy you emit. I remember what that is like and cant wait to have it back!
  19. Just Flushed Pills!!!! QUITTING

    thank you so much everyone!! @Speeder906 my insurance only works in las vegas anyway, so usually my mom would pick it up and send it to me in LA every month. but I have to go back to vegas every three months to get three months worth of it prescribed. I just realized I dont have another pick up so i would have to go back to vegas to even get it filled and i dont have a trip planned home any time soon! but you are totally right. Cutting off access to scripts completely will be a huge help when temptation arises.
  20. Trouble with eye contact??

    Has anyone had trouble keeping eye contact while on adderall? Like you want to completely avoid eye contact and if you force yourself to look the person in the eyes you feel anxious and weird while they are talking to you????? Never had this problem before, but its really fucking annoying. also.. I have a problem with being hyper aware of people and their energy. For example, at dance class when we are free styling... I am hyper aware of the other people in the studio watching us all and literally loose the ability to dance well because my brain is obsessing over what they are thinking or judging about me. Same goes once im on stage. I cant focus on my dancing or routine because I get distracted and hyper aware of the people watching me thinking about what they are thinking? Not sure if this makes since, if anyone can relate or if it is due to adderall or not.
  21. I am literally just like you. Can not do anything social unless I have my bottle of addy at my side. If its towards the end of the month, I run out a week sometimes two early and cancel plans, stay in bed, isolated. Get anxiety when even my mom would call me during this time. I have not yet began my quitting journey even though I know I need to soon. Just wanted to say I really relate to how adderall affects you, and I too just started to realize its a problem. Im right there with you!
  22. Trouble with eye contact??

    You're right. I should stop now. Thank you! @Nicole88
  23. Trouble with eye contact??

    this anxiety just happens every so often. However, most the time adderall helps me socially which is why i depend on it for the social aspect of my job. Not to mention i was already socially awkward before. although i have trouble with eye contact and completing tasks while being watched by others... It does make me very conversational savvy and better with my words as I can more easily but my thoughts into sentences. I think the social awkwardness happens when im coming down. Right now Id pick the dancing job over trying to commit to quitting because I dont want to quit just yet. Id rather first attempt to get control over my intake to a healthy dose. Last month I thought I was going to be evicted from my apartment in which i pay 1,300 a month. (my parents just cut me off) This month, my first month dancing...I made four times my rent working just 2-4 days a week and I actually really love my job. It comes easy to me, im young (22), and having fun! The good out ways the bad. For now. I am going to do stop binging. Stop abusing and stick to my regular dose. I am fully aware that I need to quit. I just need to want to to be successful, and I want/need the job more. @Nicole88 @bluemoon