Calo

Ok. So I dissapeared for a bit. Not cuz of a relapse or anything dire, just been trying to ignore the whole situation and hoping it goes away. Oh and no offense taken, i was actually just being funny, like melodramatic about the whole sitch. odd part is i barely remember typing that. Talking about it made it worse for a little bit, but I'm at a point now where I need support again. Its not just that post i spaced. I space out constantly!! I started a new job, more fulfilling but way more strenuous. I forget important conversations and paperwork and so on. And I am exhausted every single day. Almost to the point of tears. My days off are spent regrouping but not doing anything. Is this still supposed to be like this or should I be worried?

I can't use anything with fragrance. I've always been allergic to whatever is in them, especially Tide and don't even get me started on Purex laundry enhancer. It's from the devil as far as I'm concerned. I'm jealous you can use whatever laundry soap you wish!!!! Lucky duck!

My other half loves mah new curves, eeeer so he says. I doubt he'd tell me even if he didn't for fear of decapitation. > I know it'll level out. I just need reminders I won't always be soooo squishy?

Noooo problem! I spent the whooole day eating/napping. Mostly napping. But now I can't sleep. Doctor Who is a pretty legit show. Eh who am I kidding, I'm bored as faaaaaack and too tired to do anything but lay here and contemplate what I'm going to eat next. I'm about to do a floor roll. Being fat sucks. Unfortunately exercising sounds waaaay worse. Which laundry detergent was it any way?

The darkness is there. It sucks but, hell, least you're not sitting in it alone! I'm right there with you. Idk what kind of personality you have entirely buuut what I've been doing and it seems to make me feel better, is whe I get super suuuuper miserable like everything sucks and is shitty and life just draaags and your limbs feel heavy and well you get the idea....roll down off the bed, or couch or whatever surface you near lifeless body was propped on... And flail. I mean roll around like a 3 year old who's been told he's eating nothing but broccoli for the next week, he's got a doctor and dentist appointment in the morning and there's no Santa. Like freak the eff out. Thrash and go bananas. I may be starting to catch glimmers of the old me but the last couple times I did this it gave me the giggles.its nice to say fuck this noise, I don't care about being happy and healthy and blah blah blah, right now life sucks, so nyeh! If it doesn't work then disregard but jussayin' tantrums might help the healing?

Its easier said than done. And I care. I care a lot. A lot more than I should considering how messed up everything else is. But all the same I do. I guess I was hoping I'd quit, be sleepy for a couple days and tada, normal!!! Hair would magically grow back the foot of matted mess I had to cut and stop looking all patchy,I'd get a insta-tan and a 6 pack and be better than ever. I realize its not possible but daaaaaaaaaamn... I look horrid, bloated, I'm exhausted, getting fatter every flipping day and I'm moody as all get out. Going from angry to bawling to I don't even know. I've taken to eating my feelings. I don't want to run, its this bizarre childish behavior where I'm like HA! Yeah everyone says just eat salad and go run and everything will perk up! I'll show them! Its never going to get better so I'm going to sit in my chair and cry into this vat of ice cream while I watch TED and Dr. Who 'til my brain atrophies into pudding!! ( which merely serves to remind me we do not haaaaave any pudding and I'd like some) FML.

It's great to see so many positive things for you. Twisted really, but I just got soooooo much comfort from the fact that you gained 20lbs! Not like a bwhahahaha, but more of a yeeeeaaahh saaaamme heeeeere..... I've gained a good 15 since quitting entirely and the tapering had already started packing on a bit of weight. I'm 2 day I think from the 1 month mark and nothing fits. I bought new pants...and cried. So it does get better?! You sound great. Thank you for sharing and keep posting because the familiarity of your story so far and the positivity with which you face it gives me hope.

Congrats on day one! Its hard and it will continue to be hard. The ravenous hunger sucks a lot. But, the only thing that keeps me going most times is eventually it will stop working no matter how you wish otherwise. And it damages your entire system, cellular to spiritual, in the process. I try to think of the hungries as my body attempting to get back everything it's been robbed of for ages. Yeah, my sketches look like garbage and my butt keeps getting bigger, but all that will level out. And it'll be really nice then. It'll be nice to wake up and know that it is me who is awake, and not a busted machine with a super combustible engine duct taped to it's rear.

And thanks Heather for the commiseration. I kinda cringe when I look back at my misguided sense of priorities.

I did finish redoing this ghetto particle board bookshelf with black paint and an old book I ripped up and Modge podged on. It's so half assed. I don't like it but it does hold books, or will when it dries. stuff always looks nicer on Pinterest. Think I may try and find some old maps and try again....eventually. That alone was a serious struggle.

I'm not worried about mimicking adderall. This is the second time in life I've done this, unfortunately. I was 18 last time though so my health didn't take quite the same dive it did this one. I'm more concerned about feeling horrible and taking the right a supplements to replenish my body. Plus I'm afraid speedy stuff will start my hair falling out so its not that so much as being miserable overall. Like I feeeeel depleted. And beat up internally. And depressed. Trying to replenish all aspects of myself. Patience is a virtue etc. etc. but obviously not my strong point. Adderall is not exactly a chill person's medication.

Thanks guys. Its kinda epic how nice it felt to come on here and see words of encouragement from people who get how bad this sucks. Most people haven't ever dealt with an addiction so it's more of a," Well you brought this on yourself.... Evvvveryone knows drugs r bad m'kay?" I did do something nice for myself. I bought a bangin'!!! new pair of sidewalk surfers. I'd worn my others right through the soles. Figured I deserved it with all the money I've saved by not buying adderall or doctor visits. And I got that book the artists way. I started reading it this afternoon and fell asleep. Gotta love spontaneous nap time. Oh the irony. Art projects still scattered about the room.

March 27th I think? Completely. It took me a few weeks of dropping the dose to get the balls to quit. I haaaaaaaaaate being fat. Bald sucks too though so eh, guess I'm up a certain creek, minus a paddle.

Uh no. Why?

I said the saaaaaaaame thing. Then my hair started falling out. Not being melodramatic, that stuff is horrible in the long run.