It's hard to quit, but this place gives me and a small step forward

[Trevor95]

TL; DR: ...Long story short, I keep quitting and then starting up again months or years later. It helps me concentrate, love life again, gives me energy,etc. But overall it's not good. Like I can't just talk or relate to someone in a normal way. I can't just like chill/ relax with someone and just watch a movie or something. If I'm on it, everything is "task" that I gotta hyperfocus on and crush. If it's not some task to finish then it feels like a waste of time and I should use my Adderall "superpowers" somewhere else, preferably all isolated and absolutely glued to something until it's perfect. And if I'm off of it, I'm too tired and irritable to do anything. So I can never talk/ relate to people or make friends, whether on or off it. There's lots of reasons why it's not good to use. That's just a prevalent example that I'm dealing with right now.

 

 

Let me just say I love this gem of website! I wish it was more popular. I've been on it all day. This was exactly what I needed to solidify my resolve to actually quit or make a plan to quit. This community seems so supportive, and the articles have not only good information, but they also touch upon things that psychiatrists and family doctors never ever address. The articles here are even better than any therapist I've had. I've cried reading some of these stories. You guys are so relatable to me. I've never been an NA or AA meeting. The only time I sought help with stimulant abuse was at a inpatient setting in a mental health hospital. The hospital did absolutely nothing; they wouldn't change my antidepressants or antipsychotics, 

I would love to tell my story to someone, especially someone who understands me. I'm a 27 male, and I've had to hide my drug use and abuse from everyone: my family (especially my mom), girlfriends, and coworkers. I've never even told a therapist or prescriber/ physician. I would say I've had to hide it from friends, but I haven't had "friends" for 9 years now. By friends I mean the conventional use of the word, you know like people you can talk to or just hang out with. I've only had work acquaintances for the past 9 years. When I feel a connection with someone and try being more than just work buddies, they get awkward.

First of all, I do not have ADHD, I've never had ADHD-like symptoms. I know I misuse and abuse the drug. But I used to lie to myself that I must really have ADHD because i focus better and get more done on this drug. I've quit 4 times and relapsed 4 times. My reasons for using change each time I start up again. Whether it was out of curiosity, for the productivity, for masking my clinical depression, for the high. And now I'm just taking it because I can't function without it. I'm in withdrawal from Adderall right now. I never thought I'd end up like this. I've gotten this stuff from friends, a nurse practitioner, psychiatrists, acquaintances, and even sketchy strangers on the street. It's just WAY too easy to get this stuff. And even if you can't get the prescription grade stuff, my town has a lot of meth in it, which in my terrible withdrawals I've seriously considered trying.

This is out of order chronologically. I can't really be bothered to think about my drug abuse timeline, it gets kind of fuzzy and I'm in withdrawal right now so there's the motivation thing, exhaustion, trouble concentrating, etc. 

So like when I first started getting really fucking depressed, like early high school, I felt overwhelming sad, lethargic, couldn't focus, coundn't get anything done for school, couldn't bring myself to socialize or do anything on the weekends. One day I tried some kind of ADHD med from one of our school's dealers. 30 minutes later, I'm so happy to get relief from these depressive symptoms I feel like crying. It completely just obliterated all my brain fog, tiredness, inability to socialize. I could actually find motivation and concentration to do homework. That day, I took in second period, like 9 AM or, and after that I had a weight training class and I felt so good and strong and energetic that I had the best workout I've ever had up to that point. Immediately, I thought I was cured and I was hooked. Classes go great the rest of the day and I finally engage with my friend and I'm making them laugh and they seem to love. Rest of the day was great. I go home and I actually feel like grabing my skateboard and going to the big skate, which I hadn't done in a year, but I used to love skating and hanging out with those friends. I'm finally getting back into the things I used to love before depression.

Wait this is gonna be too long...

...Long story short, I keep quitting and then starting months or years later. It helps me concentrate, love life again, gives me energy,etc. But overall it's not good. Like I can't just fucking talk or relate to someone in a normal way. I can't just like chill/ relax with someone and just watch a movie or enjoy a meal. If I'm on it, everything is "task" that I gotta hyperfocus on and crush. If it's not some task to finish then it feels like a waste of time and I should use my Adderall "superpowers" somewhere else, preferably all isolated and absolutely glued to something until it's perfect. If I'm off of it, I'm too tired and irritable to do anything. So I can never talk/ relate to people or make friends, whether on or off it. There's lots of reasons why it's not good to use. That's just a prevalent example that I'm dealing with right now

Okay damn this is getting kinda long and I'm really tired. I didn't plan this out at all, I just starting writing. I'll have to finish this another time. Plus I don't wanna make you read a whole book. I'll finish this later, thanks for listening. You guys are awesome.

Edited April 11, 2023 by Trevor95
added a TL; DR

[Trevor95]

I forgot to mention how the psychiatric hospital did absolutely nothing for me. No med changes, no help getting Adderall, and after 4 days they just released me. No resources, no follow up, no plan to stay clean. Mental health care and addiction services suck in my area.

[eric]

@Trevor95 Welcome to forum! You've come to the right place to vent and interact with others that are going thru the exact same thing as you are. I can relate to that inability to connect to other people while taking it for sure. ALSO, I've hid my use from so many people around me and if I acted weird or came off short I would just blame it on being extremely stressed from work or some bs like that.  I mean I would feel and look like a freakin zombie with red tipped ears and a red throat/neck (I guess high blood pressure caused that?).  Feeling way better nowadays at day 93, by no means perfect but I realize that this is way better than taking something to feel slightly better or more focused.  

And I feel like the healthcare system is so overwhelmed with the addiction crisis and the millions of Americans that suffer cardiovascular diseases (I've been technically "obese" for the last 4 years) that you can't fully rely on doctors or hospitals to do the best job like they would've say 20+ years ago. Just too many of us now overwhelming the system. I'm in no way saying that the doctors or nurses are sub par, to me they really do ALOT and put up with so much BS...just more and more people every year.

Just know that you're welcome here and I hope that these stories and posts help you in discovering your new self!

 

[Teresa]

Trevor95... That was like reading my own story I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had the antidote for all of us but I am in the same boat as you. I never got it off the street and I've done meth in the past and don't ever ever go to that with all the fentanyl that's out there you could do one dose and be dead not an option. I think about it everyday and wish I had some but it's just a vicious cycle so I guess I will just keep plugging forward I have lost interest in everything I loved. I crafted all the time kept my house immaculent and now I don't do any of it. My house is okay but barely. I just joined this group so if I come across something that might be helpful to you I will certainly let you know