I can't believe it's me...again.

[NurseAddy]

**Trigger Warning -Drug use in pregnancy**

Hello, again. I write to you high as a kite. Just took 4 hours to finish off my face, when I thought it was only 4 minutes. My fingers feel like they have tetanus, almost locked into place from squeezing and popping so much. My face burns. My scalp is bleeding. I periodically put eyedrops in my eyes so that they didn't feel like sandpaper as I went to town with the scarification. My dry mouth has brought back my favorite side effect, bleeding gums and a tongue with sores everywhere. Same ole rinse and repeat shit. We've all been there. Finally looking up after you've carved away and you have to tell yourself to get back. Eyes all tweaky AF from however many hours you've not slept. How did I get back here?

I'd like to say long time no see, but I've been lurking around here again for a bit. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Hoping, like many of you that I could write back with a '2 years sober, if I can do it, you can too!' type of post. But alas, far from the case. I wanted to post earlier, as there have been many opportunities where there has been a fork in the road, but the addict in me told me to wait. Wait for that high we all seek so much. A bleak 2-4hrs of bliss in exchange for an entire bottle of regret and stupidity. A dark hole of 'told you so' but 'I already knew, my addiction just didn't give a shit.' A place to numb and void all emotion. I hate that I seek refuge in a bottle that destroys my entire life. My pride is swallowed as I'm needing help understanding this dark place, once again. 

A lot has changed since I last wrote. We sold our affordable home, picked up and moved states, and again to Kansas City. Started two new jobs and now a third (travel nurse turned permanent). We got married. We had a baby. Bought another overpriced home. It's almost as if I have zero reason to be searching for 'happiness' in a pill. My life is great. Too great. Much like the times before, I have no reason to seek artificial happiness except for that I'm an addict. 

I did ok until we moved. My little addict mind jumped into overdrive and the whispers of what could be started. I needed to find a new PCP, what better opportunity than to try out Adderall again. Previously, I had told my old PCP I no longer wanted to be on it (highly recommend for sobriety). Addict me told myself to try it again. That realistically, I MIGHT have a couple binges but overall, I'll control it better. Ha.....like we all haven't heard that ole song and dance a bajillion times. Still, all intelligence, education and rationalism saw itself wayyyyyyy out the door. A thus the cycle started again. I did do ok for a few months. I did have a couple small binges, but overall, not what I once was....Addict me was so proud. Rational me knew better, as we all do, it's only a matter of time before the snowball starts to roll and you're a shell of the human you once were.

However; a hiccup in the road presented itself. I became pregnant. As fucked up as it sounds (and it is fucked up) I debated on keeping the pregnancy SOLELY because of my addiction. But I know my husband would be devastated and when push comes to shove, I don't know if I could have aborted. That being said, moved forward with the pregnancy knowing I wouldn't have my script. Although I googled a million reddits on people who did stay on Adderall, I tried not to have access to a script because we all know where this weak ass would have went with it. And I couldn't do that to my pregnancy, for his sake. I used a handful of times in amounts that I feared might induce a miscarriage, but I guess the addict cared more about the high than I cared about my baby. I cared more about enjoying my bachelorette party and wedding than I did my own unborn child. I'm not so sure why I deserved this baby, as I've read many of you have struggled with conception. I'm sorry. Life can be so cruel in denying someone vying for a child only to give it to another that is so indifferent. I've never been more disappointed with myself than when I used when pregnant. But I'm glad I never probed for a script as I doubt I'd be a mother if that were the case. Gratefully, she was born healthy.

Fast forward to an emergency c-section coupled with moving the very next day and you wind up with a very mentally tormented person. Of course, we did all of this to ourselves, but I feel this was the catalyst to the major abuse. I came home from my hospital stint to a house full of boxes. My husband worked day and night to get the nursery ready, but otherwise, we were new (first time) parents in a new house in a new city with a newborn. NO ONE warned us of the fresh hell that would arise from caring for a newborn flesh potato. Kudos to every parent. That truly was sleep deprivation torture and for once, the addict had nothing to say as it was pure survival mode. Short lived though. Booby milk dried up real quick with all the stress of making idiot decisions and as soon as my zombie brain realized I could get back on Adderall....that is what I did. Sneaky little fucker.

It almost feels like I have a personality disorder with more than one 'voice' telling me getting high is the answer and the other rational voice waving all the red flags and rapid firing the hundreds of reasons why it's a bad idea. I still just can't wrap my head around why the fuck the rational voice is always having to battle this crazed lunatic of an addict when all it has in its corner is a bleak high. A high we all know is short lived and fleets and we just chase it and chase it until the bottle is no more and neither are we. Despite being a mother and a wife, the addict seems to be getting the upper hand. This last script I banged out 200mg in 24hrs and followed with 100mg the next day. I've had bouts of SVT while abusing Adderall and as soon as I can vagal out of it, I pop another one. It's like nothing else matters except these fucking pills and it's embarrassingly, fearfully, hopelessly, endlessly absurd. I hate being high around my daughter, as she's finally graduated out of the flesh potato stage and now recognizes me, smiles and gets excited when I'm around. I hate feeling zombified around her yet here I am, losing the battle once again. 

Today, I had a new pt appt with a new PCP as we moved to a different area in KC. I almost figured I'd flunk with the vital signs as my lazy addict ass couldn't stop popping pills until 6hrs before the appointment. Tried my best with the good ole magnesium, Vitamin C, food and cranberry juice combo and somehow my vitals were decent. My new PCP steps in and goes over my H&P, tell her I've been on Adderall 8 years, blah blah blah, act normal, blah blah blah. She proceeds to tell me she requires new pts to have a psych eval with an official diagnosis prior to refilling any meds and I shit you not, I felt like I lost color and addict me went 'WHAT THE FUCK!?' 'NOOOOO!' Literal internal panic ensued as I start my new job at the end of this month and addict me knows I'll be working by then. Rational me knows I won't want to ask off being the new kid on the block. I'm pretty sure I lost my composure for a second as my addict brain kicked into overdrive scheming ways to get the tic tacs. I remember her asking me my thoughts and I could hardly put an intelligible answer out as my brain was focused on getting my addiction fix. That's when rational me finally spoke up and thought maybe this is for the best. I'm tired. I don't want to have to go out of my way, miss work, and have talk to a shrink to get pills that ruin everything. I don't want to have easy access to this stupidity in a bottle. But addict me knows if anything, I could get pills after telling the shrink what they want to hear, or just go back to my old PCP, or use a family friend that just prescribes stimulants and weight loss drugs via zoom.  We all know the addict will find the drugs, I know that. I'm just hoping, pleading that the rational me can win the war. Somehow....

So that is my new fork in the road. Such a small twist that could be fixed easily but large enough that it isn't a simple refill for the addict. Addict me is still scrambling on finding a quick fix to the crazily gut wrenching news that was delivered. Thinking of who to call first and when the soonest I could get in. My husband's family lives in KC and they all have tic tacs. It's a no brainer that I could get more, I just didn't expect such an internal panic over something to minor. Rational me thought it was completely eye opening. How feeling like that is the problem. Adderall is the problem. Tired of being tired. Tired of pharmacy chasing. Tired of the replacing my life with pills. Replacing my husband and daughter for absolutely nothing. Exchanging actual happiness for artificial happiness. Slowly losing my life in more ways than one all because I can't turn off the addiction. It's terrifying, really. The addict never sleeps. And lately, the addict is trumping everything I'm tired of doing. 

I suppose I'll wrap up this novel. Thanks for reading. I think typing my thoughts out is sort of cathartic but if anyone wants to go full on Waterboy and leave me a 'YOUUUU CAN DOOOO IT' I wouldn't turn it away. Anything. Just at a loss for the power the addict brain has over everything right in my life. Over me. Rational me will never be able to rest. I'm at a loss for finding my way out of this mess again.  It's just so horrifying how easy it can happen. I'm worried about how much louder my addict brain is over my rational one now. I truly am worried about how to tackle addict me for the rest of my life. Or accept the thought of losing my addiction crutch. To tackle life without a scapegoat pill and security blanket, even if it is a dark hole it’s at least somewhere I can go. Like leaving a toxic relationship, easier said than done as I'm sure you all have felt at some point as well.

I wish you all well and the best of luck, it feels like family here every time I visit. Such a great community with great people battling the same demon. A demon we can't always fight alone. So glad to have found you all. Thanks again for reading. 

NurseAddy

 

[quit-once]

You are in a tough spot.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  If you play the game and get the psyche eval, you can get your script and your supply problem is solved, for the moment, and your addict brain is happy.  Skip the eval and kick the habit, and the addict brain will be unsettled.  Do you plan to stay on adderall for the next 20 years while you raise your kid?  Then what?  Your rational brain will tell you that a long term adderall addiction is unsustainable and that you will be a better parent, spouse and nurse without adderall in your veins every single day.  Listen to that rational brain.

[NurseAddy]

@quit-once Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the honest outlook. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

4 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

@quit-once Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the honest outlook. 

I am just grateful to be hearing from you so open and vulnerable. This is super random but Ayahuasca changed my whole relationship with Adderall.  No idea why I am feeling called to say that right now but I thought I'd put it out there. 

[NurseAddy]

@DelaneyJuliette Glad to hear from you. Could you elaborate further on this Ayahuasca? How is your sobriety going? How are you?

[DelaneyJuliette]

I'd be happy to expand!  What specific questions do u have?  I've done 3 ayahuasca retreats since last October and my whole life has changed for the better.  I'm not saying that it is anything of a miracle cure, but numerous Studies have shown efficacy in changing people's relationships to addictiction, and i know it worked thatvway for me!  My "addictvself" died, metaphorically.  I'd personally recommend looking into it.  It wasn't something I would ever thought I'd do until my kids were grown and away but man am I glad that is not the path I chose.

[NurseAddy]

@DelaneyJuliette very happy for you that you’re on a better path! 
 

Is Ayahuasca like Kratom? Do you feel like you’re swapping one addiction for another, albeit maybe healthier? How often do you use it?

[DelaneyJuliette]

8 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

@DelaneyJuliette very happy for you that you’re on a better path! 
 

Is Ayahuasca like Kratom? Do you feel like you’re swapping one addiction for another, albeit maybe healthier? How often do you use it?

Oh goodness no!!!  Ayahuasca is a super-intense experience that you do within a ceremony setting (usually with a shaman/medicine person from or trained in another country; there's all this lineage like yoga instructors.)  You don't have to believe in all the spiritual stuff around it to feel the benefits.  It's extremely uncomfortable, and even though the results are long-lasting, going through it is painful (physically and emotionally.)  It usually makes you throw up, and there is a LOT of surrendering.  It's different for every person, and even taking the same ayahuasca one night after the next creates a completely different experience depending on what you "need."  I don't personally believe so much in the "mama aya knows what you need" stuff, and more in the science of it, but that's just how my brain works.  There is literally no way you could become addicted b/c you can't function after having taken it.  I think the whole experience of taking 3-5 days off and being in nature without electronics around the ceremony is helpful too.  And you have to taper off all meds to go on the retreat so that is a positive step for the adderall quitting.  Like motivation to taper and then once you're stopped it's waaaay easier to stay stopped.  I don't even know that you could get ayahuasca to take yourself in a non-ceremony/retreat type setting.  You really wouldn't want to.  The first time I went, I had a journal filled with notes of, "Oh my gosh that was awful and I never ever ever want to do it again."  (But of course, after about six months, I found that I did in fact want to do it again.  I felt... called to it.  Which I had heard people saying before I did it "you'll hear the call" and I thought that was suuuuuch bullshit, but I actually know what that means now.  It's like... this gnawing thought that keeps coming back and you figure out a way to make it happen.  It's weird.  But it's so amazing.)  I did it with Kambo first, which is a frog secretion that is poison that is put on your skin and it makes you throw up a ton.  I realize how freaking nuts I sound writing this, but I'm telling you, I am a different person.  It's amazing.  It is NOT a miracle cure, but it is a level of change I just haven't been able to reach through just traditional therapy.  (And I've done ALLLLL the therapies... as I actually AM a psychotherapist so I just want to experience anything that could work!)  I see it as being something that I may do once a year for awhile, as a "reset" and then probably less and less as time goes on.  I'd recommend you do some research on it.  If you want to come to FL ever (or TX or CA) I highly recommend Taita Pedro Davila as a facilitator.  He usually serves the medicine in conjunction with another group.  The retreats function as churches, which is how the medicine is legal.  And honestly, I get really why they call it medicine.  I could NOT get past just calling it drugs for the longest time (b/c it is just other drugs) but this is a very different experience than anything I've ever done.  (And I've done all the drugs too lol.)  The intentionality of it all, the ceremony, the nature, the being truly with yourself... I am a better therapist, a better mom, a better wife.  I'm so much more able to recognize patterns and just rise above them and zoom out vs. getting all hooked in them.  Of course I am always a work in progress, but truly this has changed my life.  There is a series on netflix called "How to Change your Life" where the narrator goes through experimenting with different psychadelics - mushrooms, LSD, ayahuasca, and it's very informative.  If you want to DM me about other specifics feel free to.  (Or just ask here b/c I'm pretty much an open book lol.)   I know alllll about addiction switching (I was a full blown adderall/cocaine/alcohol addict for years, then got sober in AA for 5 years, then convinced myself I could use adderall as prescribed, then found myself back in the SAME EXACT CYCLE only with adderall and benzodiazepines instead of alcohol.  It was nuts.  This is not that.  But of course this is just my experience and doesn't at all mean it is right for everyone.  A very good friend of mine got clean off of Heroin as a result of ayahuasca and there are many other stories I also know.  Actually many people I met have a drug abuse history/ have been in/ are active in AA and/or NA.  Again, I am just speaking to my experience, but it has just been so powerful that I felt like it wouldn't be right NOT to share my experience.  (And then anyone can take or leave what lands or what doesn't for them!)  

[NurseAddy]

@DelaneyJuliette Regardless of my outcome, I’m truly happy you’ve found sobriety and relief. 
 

Thank you for elaborating! Definitely is interesting to say the least, and I may have to research a bit before I jump on that wagon. Glad you found something that works for you though. Thank you again! Congratulations!