Anhedonia and Depression (coming up on 4 months)

[Sebastian05]

Its been almost 4 months since I've stopped taking adderall. Its 10:30am and I'm laying in bed. Couldnt fall asleep till 330am and woke up at 8. I can never seem to sleep well. Ive just been laying in bed since 8am desperately hoping for a little more sleep. Got a full blood test drawn on tuesday. I go back this tuesday to discuss the results and for a full physical. Im scared to death of whats become of me. The anhedonia is hitting hard. I cant seem to care about anything or have motivation or any bit of happiness. I feel pretty dead inside and totally hopeless. I used to love sleeping. Can hardly sleep anymore. Can hardly eat. I still go running to stay active but have a severe lack of motivation and energy so my runs are normally not longer than 45 minutes. I used to derive so much pleasure from life. From my passions for photography and food and travel and lifting wrights. After i quit adderall everything has come crashing down. On top of all of this, my quitting adderall came at the same time i took a new job, moved, bought a home for myself. I wish i had a time machine. I'd go back and would never have taken this new job (but hindsight is 20/20) an i would have never even considered planting roots here in the philly area. I miss NJ so much and i cry about my life pretty often.

I just feel like my world has come to an end and that i never have anything that im happy about or look forward to.

Will the anhedonia lift or am I brain damaged and doomed to a life of misery and depression?

I was invited to a potluck lunch/dinner get together yesterday. I went, but i wore a fake smile the whole time. I used to LOVE being social and now i dont even really care. I had a few cocktails and some food and just mingled and bullshitted.

I figured at 4 months things would be getting better. its so so hard to stay on top of things at work and i just hope i havent become some sort of moron.

I used to work out like a beast. I used to run like the wind. I used to be passionate and happy and filled with positive hope. I used to love dating and thinking positively about a future with marriage and kids and having a healthy and positive lifre.

Now im just alone. I sit alone at work in my cube all day long...i come home and im alone...or i go to the gym when i can and im alone there...im in a new area unfamiliar to me...and i dont even have it in me to meet new people or go out and do things.

This is no way to live. I hope i pull out of this and pull through.

How long for the anhedonia to go away? Will it ever? Im still not taking any anti-depressants. Just 5htp and l-tyrosine, vit b, d,c, mulit vit. and fish oil.

Im just at my wits end with this awful shell of a miserable bastard that ive become.

-S

[Krax]

Maybe you are expecting too much. If you felt so great before you started taking adderall, then why did you take it and continue taking it in the first place? I have to be honest here and say that I feel unmotivated quite a bit, but that that is how I was before and why Ritalin was so attractive to me, and why I continued taking it for four miserable years. I think had I been this bundle of enthusiasm and energy in the first place the effect of amphetamine on me would have been minimal and not worth the side effects. That's just me but I wonder if you are accurately remembering your past self .

[Sebastian05]

Krax:

I didn't feel great before adderall. Adderall helped me stay focused and positive with my studies and with my working life. Before the adderall, it always took me forever to ever accomplish anything or to finish assignments and to stay organized and positive. The adderall truly helped me with my day to day unlike anything ever had before.

At the end of 2012, a friend of mine sent me an article about someone who had gone psychotic from years of heavy adderall abuse and ended up killing himself. It freaked me out bigtime. I started doing research and thats when i decided it was more likely than not going to be IMPOSSIBLE to be on this drug for the rest of my life (as i legitimately thought that was going to be the case).

I figured there would never be a good time to quit and that i just had to pull the trigger right away and end the 10-20mg a day. I was mostly only taking 10mg a day, but still, going off of it has impacted me for sure.

I've always lived a very healthy lifestyle with intense workouts and intense runs. The adderall never changed any of that. sure, it curbed my appetite a bit, but i still ate a tremendous amount of food because i was working out so much.

Now that i'm off of it, its so hard just to get moving to do anything. Its a beautiful sunny day outside and im just sipping coffee watching tv, but im about to go for a long run.

I'm waiting for my blood tests to come back on tuesday. I've been exhibiting symptoms of pre-diabetes or hypothyroid. There's lots of cancer in my family, so i'm hoping its not that. Maybe this is all just the intense depression and anhedonia after quitting adderall. The bottom line is i have no idea WTF is wrong with me and when/if it is going to get better....thats the scary part.

[quit-once]

Sebastian,

I think it is way too convenient to blame adderall withdrawl for your missery and depression. You have a job that sucks and maybe a career that is not the right fit for your personality. You have to go to work every day to a place you do not want to be, from a home that does not give you comfort or happiness. Adderall withdrawl and recovery just adds bulk to your discomfort.

So, take control of your life and change things. Look for a better job or a different career path. What is wrong with moving back to where you came from and being closer to your family? I changed careers and moved 300 miles closer to home fifteen years ago and I have never once regretted it. And I've said it before...get a pet (dog?) if you can't find a girlfriend and don't like being lonely.

Once you plan to actively change things you will feel better, even if the change takes months to actually happen.

How is the tyrosine working out for you?

[ashley6]

Sebastian,

It sounds like things are really not looking up for you right now. A lot of this is normal, but I really think you should see a professional and really consider antidepressant medication. Some might disagree with me, but I've been in that dark place, and I truly believe I needed antidepressants to get back to where I could even start taking care of myself again to get back to feeling functional. They helped me, and I don't know how I'd be if I hadn't gotten on them. This sounds like more than anhedonia to me, it sounds like a deep depression. Please take care of yourself.

[Sebastian05]

hey quit-once.

thanks for the message. i'm not so sure how the l-tyrosine is working. i take 1000mg every morning along with 5htp and vitamin b complex and vitamin D and multi vitamin and fish oil.

i think you're right about my situation poisoning me. I've managed to isolate myself and for someone with my personality...thats very toxic. people tell me "oh go out and make friends" blah blah blah...when you're 33 years old...its not so easy.....it gets harder getting out there...especially where i live...

i'm going to give my job some more time. i should stay there at least a year. but in the meantime im looking for other alternatives. I need to live somewhere where there's a sense of community. where i can immerse myself in the people there and have fun artistic and creative things to do.

I grew up in the Princeton area of NJ. I wanted a change....didn't think it would impact me the way it did because i normally adapt to change quite well....i figured "sure! lets give philly a shot. the suburbs are beautiful..the city is great. it will be great change in my life!"

For the first few months it was fantastic. I remember going for long runs and just shouting with joy. I was so happy with my decision to move and my decision to take the job i took. Well, after a few months, the honeymoon period of my job hit the f'n fan. The true colors of the industry i had immersed myself into started to shine through and i'm just so sick of it and it hasnt even been a year yet.

I'm going to have to figure this all out, but the first step will be finding a new job. If i found something back to where my roots are in NJ i would take it. The market is just still pretty bad, so i don't want to take any big chances or be to hasty in my decision making process.

There's something to be said about the familiarity of "home". I miss being able to hop on the train and be in the heart of manhattan. Philly and the surrounding suburbs just doesn't compare. I miss going to all the outdoor festivals in Princeton and just being part of that community. People shit talk new jersey all the time, but so many people just dont know what a beautiful state it is. and at the end of the day, home is home.

I've let this decision infect my mind. I tried to make a change for the better. Variety is the spice of life, right? why not try something new? at the end of the day it backfired. It left me as a homeowner in a place i dont wanna be, working a job that is so f'ing awful that i can feel my brain just rotting there.

I'm grateful for everything i have in my life. I'd be ultimately the most grateful with some peace of mind in knowing that my brain is going to heal from 4 years of adderall use. I would have never touched this shit if I knew how unhealthy it is for you.

I just hope I come back out on the other end with the ability to be happy and passionate about the things i used to adore and love to do.

As for a dog...i'd love nothing more than to get one....I can't get one until I know I'll have all the time in the world to dedicate to him/her. With the nature of my job and the fucking awful state my mind has been in, it would be selfish of me to get a dog. When i do get one, he/she will be part of my family and be loved 24/7. Until i know i can give 100% to a dog, I wont get one.

In the meantime, I've been dating, but just have absolutely no desire to. So i've been out here and there, but i just can't seem to get into it or get excited about dating. Thats why this anhedonia shit is scaring the hell outta me.

[LILTEX41]

Sebastian, God I sooooo relate to your post! I am 33 too...about to be 34 May 10th. When I moved to Texas from Ohio...I went totally nuts. I had never felt so alone in my life. I drank a shit ton and this is when my Adderall usage went through the roof. It was the lonliness factor and feeling so far removed from everyone. I also moved to a suburb type community so meeting young single people wasn't that easy.

Looking back now, I know one thing for sure..the Adderall and alcohol did not make things better! I agree that it SUCKS meeting new people and there are so many times when I just don't want to do it....sometimes I don't, but when I isolate, I get really depressed.

Are there any running groups in your area? I joined a bunch of clubs (triathlon, running, and a few churches). I met a ton of people and it's been a great way to feel connected to the community. I know your miserable now and probably do need a plan to change jobs/move etc., but in the meantime while you are unable to do those things, maybe you could force yourself to join some groups? Even if you don't want to go...just set a goal to go to something like once a week. Just show up. It will probably still suck for awhile, but over time as you get to know new people it will get better! Just remember what you are going through right now is TEMPORARY and things will change. Too bad you weren't closer...we could go running together! I'm actually looking to go to San Antonio to do a half marathon July 4th weekend. You should fly out! Ha ha. I'm serious!

[Krax]

Sebastian I apologize if my posts came across as unsympathetic - I was partly talking to myself when I made those inquiries, you know sometimes I cannot tell I am feeling lousy from PAWS or just from my own unrealistic expectations of how I should feel. I agree with Ashley that you should, as many of us have, get professional help. I also agree with QuitOnce's points about trying to change parts of the difficult situation you are currently in in your life.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Sebastian, I'm wondering if you can plan to take yourself home or away for a vacation sometime soon. And/or get involved with some kind of charity work. Have you watched the documentary, "Happy"? It was an eye opener for me. Showed me that t those who are truly happy appreciate the present moment, feel like they are contributing something meaningful, and have meaningful relationships. Maybe if you can build on that theory it might help, since you seem to be so keen on not taking any antidepressants! :-)

[FALCON]

Sebastion My Brother my friend I have Ben away for a bit it seems like the same old story I herd 4 mounts ago when you first started posting come on brother wake up and smell the coffee we all know you are suffering from depression .Be kind to yourself your suffering for no reason there is medication out there that will make you feel better every one has Ben telling you to try antidepressants there is no same in it.

when you go to see your Dr. on Tuesday please talk to him about getting on a antidepressant it may help you or it mite not help butt you need to try something it is not healthy to feel miserable and lonely 24-7 you where not on a high does of adderall and it sounds like you where not abusing it tell me WY you stopped taking it some people actually legitimately need a low does of adderall to function on a Daily basses .

[Leslie Johnson]

Hi Sebastion, 

Kind of crazy how similar my story is to yours. I'm 23 and started taking adderall a little over 3 years ago (10 - 15 mg a day). The doctor prescribed it so, I thought it was safe? Although I know how I felt when I took it, it was an unnatural feeling that put me into "overdrive" mode. I knew one day I was going to have to stop.

About 7 months ago, I changed jobs and moved to a new city and moved in with my boyfriend for the first time. I was THE happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I went to a new doctor in my new city and he told me if he were to continue my prescription that I would need to regularly visit a counselor. I thought, I'm absolutely not seeing a counselor, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm not going to continue taking a medication that I'll need to be supervised for? This new doctor had no idea that I had been taking Adderall for 3 + years, so I'm assuming, that's why he gave me no heads up that I would very soon be falling into a deep depression, full of anxiety, and feel empty inside. I didn't realize how strong the drug was. I've always been a very happy, healthy, mentally strong person. A couple weeks after I abruptly stopped taking Adderall I was in the darkest place I've ever been in my life, although - I HAD EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT. An amazing new job working from home, a gorgeous new home that I love, a boyfriend that makes me happier than anything else on this planet, and still, I WAS SO DEPRESSED. Didn't make ANY sense to me?? I was at a loss. I wanted to quit my job, move back home to my parent's house, be alone and stop feeling like a burden/ball of negative energy to everyone around me. Thoughts that I've never had in my life before.

And then, I figured out that the way I was feeling had nothing to do with my job, my friends, my boyfriend, my home, where I live. I was blindly suffering from Adderall withdraw/PAWS. I started doing my research. Every single symptom of Adderall withdraws that I came across online perfectly aligned with what I had been feeling. 

Now, although I knew the CAUSE of how I was feeling (which was a huge step in the right direction) I still didn't feel 100%. I still don't feel 100%. I'm coming up on month 4 as well and I still ask myself the same questions everyday...

Is this ever going to be over? Is this who I was before Adderall? Should I move home and give up? 

My answer is, I'm not giving up a damn thing. The way I feel is not who I truly am or ever was before taking Adderall. Adderall may have me feeling off and not so much like myself right now, but it's not dictating my life and happiness moving forward. I decided to swallow my pride and schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist because I know that how I have been feeling is NOT who I am and I AM going to get through this; Regardless of how long/what it takes. I too have not felt excitement, passion, happiness ever since I stopped taking Adderall. You're not alone. But you do need help and professional support, anyone in our same situation does too. Don't give up and don't blame your life circumstances. Happiness is a choice. 

I'm going to my first psychiatrist appointment in two weeks and I couldn't be more excited about it. Pretty sad, hu? lol! If I can remember, I'll keep this thread posted on what my results are and what path I'm taking to get better. I hope you do the same, very soon! God Bless!

[EricP]

Everything you said so true.... Tough it out one day at a time. 

Watch out out for the psychiatrist! Most of them will try to talk you into getting back on it... if you accept anything a lot of people seem to like Wellbutrin as depression/mood aid in quitting. Didn’t really work much for me after the first week though. 

 

 

[Leslie Johnson]

Eric I wanted to share this Sermon with you. In times like this I’ve relied heavily on faith and hope to help me get out of bed in the morning and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Ive had no other choice but to find strength, hope, and faith. I strongly encourage you to dive into this pastors sermons to help you find faith and hope. His name is Steven Furtick.

 

I listened to this sermon today and it helped get my thoughts back on track. The message I took from this is... I knew I was going to have to stop taking the Aderal, there would never be a good time in my life to go through the withdraw that I’ve been going through, but, IT HAD TO HAPPEN. The longer I took it, the more damage it would’ve done. God Bless!

 

[featherdusters]

4 months is still early in recovery. It takes about 2 years. 

I started feeling a bit a bit better around 10 months and at 20 months I felt like socializing. Still, there are days when I drag. Motivation is still a problem at around 22 months. My mood is fine now and sleep is normal but motivation and confidence is lagging. Some days are better than others. 

Look up post acute withdrawals or PAWS. Search nootropics (reddit) and supplements. I used a countdown timer which helped. 

[EricP]

1 hour ago, featherdusters said:

4 months is still early in recovery. It takes about 2 years. 

I started feeling a bit a bit better around 10 months and at 20 months I felt like socializing. Still, there are days when I drag. Motivation is still a problem at around 22 months. My mood is fine now and sleep is normal but motivation and confidence is lagging. Some days are better than others. 

Look up post acute withdrawals or PAWS. Search nootropics (reddit) and supplements. I used a countdown timer which helped. 

I searched reddit for neurotrophic to aid in PAWS and adderall withdrawals and did not find much. What neurotrophic did you use that helped you?

Also curious how did you use a countdown timer? Set at 2yrs? Sounds a little depressing...

[EricP]

Leslie, thank you so much for that touching sermon! Very Empowering. Sorry it took a few days to respond, I needed to find a peaceful time to watch it.

God Bless

[featherdusters]

Nootropics 

https://www.reddit.com/r/StackAdvice/comments/3nntcm/best_nootropic_andor_supplement_stacks_to_help/

 

You might need to search for amphetamines, stimulants, withdrawal, Stims ... 

Here are some I can remember 

aniracetam

lions mane

bpc-157

phenylpiracetam 

memantine

bacopa

melatonin

ashwaganda  

na semax

selank

black seed oil

st johns wort (perika) 

noopept

p21

sulbutamine

b12 b6

uridine

 

I had a countdown and count up timer. It showed me how many days I made it through and how many were left. Yes, set for 2 years.