New here.. This is my story

[readytobefree]

Hey everybody,

I recently came across this site and what I've read on it has hit so dead on that I've decided to create an account in order to tell my story and hopefully find some support.. this seems like a really cool community and I'm going to spill everything, both good and bad. I rarely post on forums but I've had a real journey (read: nightmare) with Adderall and other stimulants over the years and my story needs to be told.

I'm currently a 26 year old male living in Atlanta but I've been taking Adderall (and its cousins: Vyvanse, Concerta, etc) since I was 18. It all started back in high school.. I had been bullied pretty relentlessly since the age of 15 for coming out as gay (which was not very highly regarded in the affluent republican Atlanta suburb I grew up in) and was starting to have serious trouble focusing in class (as well as the beginning signs of depression/anxiety). I got a tutor and tried everything, but finally by the age of 18 I was diagnosed as ADHD right before my freshman year of college. I wanted to kick ass in college and excel in my business degree, so I decided I'd try this Adderall drug that all my friends were talking about.

It started off great.. I had a 3.8 GPA freshman year of college and was on the Dean's List.. this was the first time in my life that I had acheived high grades (while still maintaining a social life mind you.. I pledged a fraternity etc.. but that's a whole 'nother story). But after the first year or so I started noticing some real changes in my personality. I had always had a slight speech disfluency growing up but not many people noticed it.. but I'd notice that whenever I took adderall my stutter would get much more pronounced (this has evolved over the years up to now where my stutter is pretty debilitating and I'm going to seek speech therapy.. it is so very embaressing when I'm on a date or a job interview and I can't get the word out.. people think I'm nervous when it's really just some kind of neurological damage that I partially attribute to adderall abuse). Anyways, back to freshman year.. I would be so euphoric in the mornings when I took my Adderall (thinking I could conquer the world, etc) and by the evening I was in a really deep dark depression and very irritable.. as well as socially anxious (which I never really had a big problem with in the past). I also was in a very unhealthy long distance relationship which only added to my issues.

Fast forward a year and I ended up transferring to a new college in a different state (various reasons, partially due to that abusive long distance relationship) and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This school was an even bigger party school with an even bigger trend towards Adderall (and other designer drugs.. Cocaine, etc). I was depressed over my recent breakup and continued taking the Adderall while binge drinking heavily as well (clearly not the best choice, I know) to try and self medicate. It got so bad that I had to get on an Antidepressant because I was having suicidal thoughts (I write more about my SSRI usage below). One thing that was different about this school was the demographic of kids - many of them were spoiled rotten and cocaine was around just about every corner. I had always looked heavily down on that drug (and still do after my terrible experience with it). One fateful night I was really stupid (read: depressed) and decided I would try the drug, which felt surprisingly similar to Adderall's euphoric rush. In this way I believe that Adderall was a gateway to my cocaine addiction that lasted a year or two. I am proud to say that I have not touched that awful drug in a very long time and do not miss it one bit, it was surprisingly much easier for me to quit than Adderall has been. I never had to see treatment for it and I never crave it or want it when I see it around me anymore. I could go on much longer about my college experiences with Adderall but I'll leave it short since this is getting lengthy. I ended up graduating with a respectable 3.2 GPA (although not the 3.8 I started with at my first school) and decided to move home.

When I moved back to Atlanta to pursue my career as a young business professional, I was excited for a fresh start. I liked the attention that I got as a young guy living in the actual city (as opposed to the suburbs) in the gay community and no longer had to fear homophobia around every corner. When it came to my professional life however, I found that I was already having trouble focusing at my new job, and slipped back into taking Adderall. You know how this story goes, it was basically a repeat of my college days and turned into another nightmare. It made me so anxious that I burned several bridges socially in the city and became depressed all over again. I have been back in ATL for 3 years now and finally I have hit a breaking point. I am 26 years old and I have tried almost every antidepressant on the market (Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, you name it I've tried it) which started back in college and none of them could pull me out of the depression (probably because I was still taking them alongside Adderall).

I have decided that I am DONE with this awful drug that has ruined so many years of my life. It has only been 72 hours since I have taken my last 20mg dose, but I broke it down to 10mg the day after and now I'm at 0mg. I know that's not a long time, but I feel different than I've ever felt about quitting this time - I am dedicated to it no matter what (partially thanks to finding this great site). I am going to overcome this and find the happy me that used to exist.. the one that my friends and family growing up miss seeing. I am not currently on an Antidepressant (although I do have low dose Klonopin incase the withdrawal anxiety gets bad) but I have been considering getting back on one to ease the process.. I've been pretty darkly depressed the past day or so and my job is not really in the best place either.

Thank you for creating this great support system where I can post about my story. It's not been an easy path for me and I know it hasn't for alot of you either.

-J

[quit-once]

Well, I can relate to the stuttering part of your nightmare experience. I NEVER had a problem with stuttering unti I was addicted to adderall. I just couldn't figure it out why it suddenly came on. That phase of my addiction lasted about a year or two. No idea why or how. But it was anoying because I am a good speaker and it just wasn't me. I felt like I sounded like a stupid bastard. My stuttering went away before I quit.

Congratulations on your decision to quit adderall. It is a bad drug and your life will improve without it. I believe that life without any drugs is the best life you can live. Some people need antidepressents but if you can get by without them it is better in the long run.

You live in the South where being gay is still a bad thing regarding cultural acceptance. That is too bad, and I do not have any insight to help you deal with this issue. Please stay off the adderall. It is a very bad drug.

[mrobz]

I hear you on the stuttering thing too, mine was more of a small speech impediment when I was nervous(when they raised me to 10 mgs my freshman year of HS). I also, after taking it would get this kind of nervous walk that I was so focused that people were judging me that I felt like I would walk funny for a minute every few days or so. It all went away for the most part prior to even my addiction. As for the antidepressants, I just accepted that anything they wanted to give me I would become dependent which is the first step before addiction. I feel like because of the fee-for-service system we have here in the states, many doctors create what they call in economics supplier induced demand, or the recommendation of something you do not need for financial gain. I do not trust any of these doctors working in my best interest, and many of them are so schooled on "their way" that they wouldn't find my best dose. In the end I just feel I am better off using no more psych meds, maybe you do not feel the same way but I can tell you they tried telling me I was depressed and bi-polar which was the biggest load of bullsh*t I've ever heard. I have had no relationship/personality problems, I for one do not trust those people, I for one am the best judge of who I am and that is an adderall addict. I like speed, because it covers up for me when I am lazy, and makes me feel like superman. There are major reasons behind WHY you are an addict, and figuring those out is more important than stopping the drugs. Once you have the kryptonite all you really need is the motivation to stop popping amphetamines "just one more time".

Best of luck my friend.

--Mike