I failed myself and relapsed

[quit-once]

Emotional numbing was the sustaining force of my addiction for its last two years.  It started when my last dog got sick and died slowly over four months.  Then my mom slowly succumbed to old age and died two years later.  Adderall kept me emotionally numb and focused on caregiving while my addiction evolved into a daily habit with little control of my dosage.  It kept the depression abated after she died.  For that I am grateful.  I wanted to quit so bad but had to wait until the right time of the year and my life in general.  It was horrible having to use a drug just to physically function, while suffering through some very painful physical side effects.  I was not mentally healthy, either.   Like you, Oyvey, I shed many tears after quitting.  My depression was at its worst in the few weeks post quitting and it gradually got better with time.  That was my biggest hang up about quitting - was the depression.  I was scared shitless from all the stories I read on the internet about the horrible depression and how it caused so many people to relapse.  In fact, that is why I waited until the Spring to quit so the seasonal depression of the dark season (like now) would not be more painful.  But, you have got this, Oyvey.  Sounds like you are already through the worst of the depression and I believe you really are because the days are getting longer and you are getting stronger.  Your recovery will likely be less painful and shorter than for those of us who used the shit for years and years.  Be grateful that you learned your life lesson on addiction and quit before you found your own rock bottom. 

[oyvey]

I don't wish deep depression on my worst enemy. However, people that say "snap out of it"..I want to punch in the face.