hello, need advise while im still "new" to Adderall PLEASE

[blueyedgrl]

Hello everyone, I know its a long post bu please bear wit me!

 

I was diagnosed with ADD March 2013 at the age of 27 but I saw symptomatic ever since I can remember (always the worst kid in class, interrupting, losing things, impulsive, blurring things out, disrespectful angry , easily frustrated)

 

Anyway, Ive been taking Straterra since I was giadnosed and at the beginning it was great (probably because it also worked as an antidepressant )but we kept increasing the dose and it made me really nauseous despite taking it with food before stopping working all together.

 

My doctor started me on Adderall a little over a week ago. He basically told me to take one 20mg IR tab in the morning and "if you have a long day" to take another one at noon. If it doesnt work to take 2 tabs but no more than 3 (?) So basically do whatever you want . I took the 20mg and it made me feel great, euphoria and all, a little bit how i used to feel when I did coke (8 years ago) or ecstasy. That automatically was a red flag for me but I thought hey at least Im getting stuff done and work isnt such a drag! Now a week later Im worried that I will get addicted and need more and more, I quit drugs 8 years ago and Im not planning on getting addicted to something new but at the same time I am more productive and focused but it somehow feels "wrong".

 

I am a psychiatric nurse and I tell my patients to take their meds to improve their quality of life and on one hand I think the same might be true for me and Adderall, I am improving my quality of life, but on the other hand I know the price I might pay for it might be too high. 

Also as a psychiatric nurse I often feel guilty for administering all those meds to my patients because I know deep inside I dont agree with a lot of them and believe therapy, meditation, strong will and prayer could work wonders as well.. but I digress 

 

I understand the concept that Adderall turns us into people that we normaly would not be but doesnt the SSRI do the same for people with depression? without them they would just stay in bed and do nothing (just and example)

 

I am not advocating for Adderall, just trying to put my thoughts out there in hopes that someone can help me. Ive only been taking it for a week and I notice how much my thoughts gravitate towards it, is it time for next dose? should i be taking more? less? etc etc and I dont like it. 

I guess Im kind of answering my own question since I see how it already affected my thought process. 

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

 

[ashley6]

Welcome to the forums. You obviously have a good sense of self-awareness and that's great. I wish I had been that way when I started. My theory is...if it feels too good to be true, it probably is. I was "diagnosed" with ADHD when I started adderall, but I truly believe I don't have it, and if I do only slightly. I understand it could be hard for you because you do exhibit signs of ADHD, but I think adderall is especially dangerous for people with depression AND a tendency towards addictive behaviors. When taking medication, I believe if we're looking forward to our next dose, it's a huge red flag. Adderall did help with depression in the beginning, but it can turn on you very quickly and create increasingly more severe depression and anxiety (in my case anyway). Like you said, I think you answered your own question. I've never personally tried cocaine, but I've talked to people who have tried both cocaine and adderall and preferred adderall. That's scary and if I know then what I know now, I could've saved myself from the painful recovery process from adderall addiction. Everyone is different, and I'm not in a place to tell anyone what's right for them, but from my personal experience, your feelings of apprehension aren't wrong. Go with your gut! I hope this helps.

[blueyedgrl]

thank you ashley it helps a lot. thats what i keep telling myself, to go with my gut feelings.

another thing is i decided to enroll in grad school online and most of my application i completed while on adderall , now im freaking out it was adderall talking and not me,  Im anxious about the decision and I dont know if I should go through with it. 

Anxious is pretty much how i feel now, about everything, i also made a career decision in the last week that I dont believe I would have made if it wasnt for Adderall. Now that I look back I cant believe that one week of taking it could result in so many drastic changes and decisions in my life.. ugh its a little bit of a mess, i must say

I took the morning dose today and half the dose at noon and I feel like im walking around in circles, i am so forgetful, spacey , distracted, it definitely made things so much harder after it wore off. It made me feel dumber than ever and my attention span is that of a goldfish. Im definitely not taking it again (I hope) 

[oyvey]

Welcome, it's great that you came with your bio and questions to fire away with. I couldn't agree more with Ashley. There are some big red flags and you're completely within your power at this super early stage to avoid the big problems this initial wonder drug does. Having a doctor being so liberal and not to mention such an extreme starting dose, you could be hooked just as fast as me. It might sound crazy, but that thinking about it in advance can spiral into an obsession and it will come before everything else that is important to you. No one here will make a decision for you or judge you, but we will give our personal experiences and opinions. Everyone had different body chemistry, thoughts, demons, strengths, weaknesses etc. Adderall made everything wonderful AT FIRST for me and the tolerance and obsession grew so fast. Within 12 weeks I was around 100 mg ir and not an ounce of discomfort, racing heart or anything anything like that. No question I might have been up to 200mg in another week or so because i was "chasing the dragon" I don't even drink alcohol and strongly dislike weed, but this stuff was just too good to be true. I have never been addicted to anything with the exception of working out, but this stuff was too good too soon and I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself and I was right....i stopped for a little and then I started again when I had an emotional blow. I basically went from zero to addict in a matter of weeks. Please exhaust every option under the sun before continuing with an amphetamine. Im not trying to sound like your parents, but I know how fast I was hooked and Im probably the most sober person I have ever met. Coming off the drug after a short time brought extreme depression,anxiety..you name it. I have to come on here to keep reading why i needed to stop. I never understood how people got hooked on drugs until this stuff. I would never be able to taper or maintain a lower dose. It was cold turkey or abuse and wind up dead or in jail. Stick around, read some stories and make the decision you think is right for you. 

[blueyedgrl]

 you are my fellow New Jerseyan oyvey

thanks so much for the input. I do have a lot of self awareness thats why I was getting very concerned, I remember how easily I got into taking ecstasy and went on a month long binges , getting pregnant with my daughter is probably what saved my life, Im not trying to jeopardize that now. People say it wont make you addicted if you really have ADD and I think thats BS. Also I lost all my faith in my doctor, and I believe most of them are the same way ( I work in a psych ward) Since I started seeing my psychiatrist I tried all different antidepressants, mood stabilizers, xanax the last straw was he wanted to put me on Lithium! I am definitely not bipolar, then again who knows.. Its just difficult realizing that this is how its going to feel like for the rest of my life, because I am very much against taking meds..oh well, plenty of prayer, exercise, eating healthy and meditation should hopefully make it better. All your stories on here helped me make the decision , great forum.!

[Zerokewl]

 Please just chuck them.    Your instincts are dead on. 

[blueyedgrl]

thank you all for your replies, they mean a lot to me, Im flushing it down the toilet and ripping the other Rx (yea he gave me 2 more for the future...)

and sorry for the typos 

[blueyedgrl]

But you know what, its only been a week and I already have to make myself dump them and Im second guessing myself! If I didnt experience this myself I would not believe that you can get so affected by Adderall

[Zerokewl]

Future you just breathed a sigh of relief for  avoiding a lot of misery & heartache.  ADHD is not a disorder it is a difference in cognitive ability.  All this diagnosis really means is you'd make a lousy accountant. 

[blueyedgrl]

I hope I will be a better manager than accountant because I just enrolled in grad school for nursing management and leadership lol

[Luckyducky]

I loved your story blueyegirl I could totally relate. I am sure I have always had adhd tendencies growing up but I learned how to compensate as an adult. When I started having kids my adhd was out of control and yes I lose everything, forget things and feel like a scatterbrained mom half the time. So although the adderall was great in the beginning and helped it turned a dark and scary corner at some point and once it goes there you will feel as though your in the pits of hell. Sorry so scary but I remember taking it after I quit my last addiction and thinking oh this is different I'm so productive. I am now 3 yrs in to this stupid addiction and constantly working on getting clean and instead of focusing on my daughters theatre preformance I'm focused on not using this week. It sucks so I lose my keys, cell phone, and everything else it's who I am. I'm not telling u this to not take it but to give u some insight. I did read that you ripped it up and I think that's great whatever you choose:)

[blueyedgrl]

AH i said i was going to and they are still sitting in my purse! 

I got clean when I got pregnant with her and now Im not trying to get addicted again, but boy this thing can really make you feel like a super mom. I know its bad though, theres no denying it. I just have to do it, ive done it before, and i quit smoking, and lost weight, so its not like i dont have any will power but I cant believe that a WEEK of taking it has already made such a huge difference. 

[blueyedgrl]

OK pills flushed down the toiled and scripts shredded. Thank you all for helping me make the right decision !

[Cat]

GOOD JOB blueyedgrl!!! You will not regret that decision. 

[quit-once]

Way to go!  That action took some major courage.  I suggest making a list of everything awful about Adderall and keeping it handy, if you haven't already done that.

[SweetCarolinee]

Hi there and welcome! So glad you found this site and joined the forums, it's wonderful to have you. I think you are very smart and brave to want to stop before you start down the adderall path of doom, if you know what I mean. I'm sorry this is gonna be so long. I'm pouring my heart and soul out to you guys about Adderall so here goes:

 

Just remember AT FIRST everything is great (just starting out on Adderall) -- along the lines of butterflies, ice cream, shooting stars, discos and unicorns and it starts out that like because the addiction and horrible side efforts aren't as noticeable at first or the good simply outweighs the bad in the beginning but then shit gets real. I don't mean to be harsh but super mom turns out to be not so super mom. Everyones experience on Adderall is different and experience different things, side efforts, and feelings but I will share with you mine: Adderall can make you be very self involved or very cold at times, I was a way more pissed off person on it and naturally I'm pretty happy, hyper and outgoing. If someone moved my pencil over 2inches, I would be pissed at fuck. Seriously. Like what? That's NOT normal or healthy. Now (I'm been clean for a little over 3 weeks) I could give 2 shits less about a pencil haha

It changes your personality and what you see as important. It also messes with your body, mind, sleep and eating patterns, it makes your memory go to poo. It puts certain things you once loved (like working out for me) on the back burner because you have too many other "important" things to do on Adderall, like cleaning or getting ready to go out for 2 hours. While I was on it hardcore in college it made me want to literally go out and rage 24/7 while it made my roommate want to stay in and clean so it effects people differently. I bleed and bruised way easily on it and became in a nutshell: crazy. On Adderall, it made me try and do things I never would have done WITHOUT taking it. I don't know about everyone else but it made me get into more fights with my boyfriend for the stupidest reasons. It made me more paranoid and jealous and down the road, worsened my anxiety. Before starting Adderall at age 18, I was never depressed nor is depression in my family history. Now this is the second time, I've been on an anti-depressant and I honestly think it's because of the Adderall and mixing it with drinking. It makes some people smoke on it, some people drink, some people try meth, and some people do "Snow White." I honestly believe its a "gateway" drug.

It made lights and sounds brighter and louder. Sometimes I would see things that weren't really there. Some people, it makes them shop more and spend a lot of money on useless shit. It changed my style and sometimes not in a good way haha like "what was I wearing?" It made me look tired all the time and have bags under my eyes because I always was - so I looked a lot older than I was. I was always late for everything - classes, work, etc. I looked very unhealthy because I was. I used to only eat a candy bar a day on Adderall, my body hated me. Its very easy to become "cracked out" on Adderall. Its just an endless, vicious cycle that sucks and looking back, I can't believe I was on it for so long but I was addicted. I wish I had stopped sooner. Oh and the "comedowns" became so bad for me in the beginning, I started drinking at night everyday to just feel "normal" again so I wasn't only addicted to Adderall but booze too. Man, did I mess up my brain chemicals. I look back, I was out of control, so reckless and honestly at times didn't care about the outcome. I also was never addicted or on anything before taking/starting Adderall.

Your tolerance goes up very quickly on Adderall and everyone I knew on it, was taking way more at a time than they were supposed too and ran out early. Adderall becomes like water. You become dependent on it and need to take it (and more and more of it) to function and do daily tasks and live. On days, you don't take it, you will most likely be lying in bed all day and eating 24/7, at least that's what I did. It was like a really bad hangover and that isn't normal. You need to ask yourself, do you want to take the easy way out or really work for what you want? And do you really want to be dependent on and controlled by a stupid pill?

I know most people have to learn on their own and sometimes its hard to learn a lesson through someone else's personal experiences but I hope this little bit of info helps. I honestly don't think I would have as many mental health problems as I do now if it wasn't for the Adderall and that is my biggest regret in life so far. I know I can't go back in time and change ever taking that pill but I can change my future and that is what I'm doing right now. I want to live, a long, healthy happy life on my own and not a short, unhappy one on a little, devil pill. I have no desire to go back on it. For me, the bad outcome and side efforts outweighed the good. Adderall is basically speed in a pill form and I'm so over it and that way of life. I'm done and just want to live a clean, healthy happy one and I believe you honestly can't on Adderall. Adderall is a quick fix, it's made in a lab, it's not natural and like someone said above, if things are "too good to be true" they usually are and I couldn't agree with that statement more relating to Adderall!

I think Adderall is just like an abusive relationship, you love it so much and hate it at the same time, it keeps hurting you but your weak, under its spell, you keep coming back…. ENOUGH! It's like have some self respect! We are worth so much more.

In conclusion, walk… no run in the other direction of Adderall asap. Save yourself from all the bullshit, hurt, heartache, unhealthiness, bogus unnecessary and painful side effects, the relationships that might get ruined, etc.

[blueyedgrl]

thank you for your support and input

I know how easily it is to get sucked in

SweetCarolinee I sometimes feel like my past drug use also  permanently affected my brain (especially the ridiculous amount of ecstasy I was doing) and I think thats why I took to Adderall so quickly which was what scared me. Today was a first day off of it in a week and my mind is not clouded with the thoughts of Adderall all the time, I do feel depressed but Ive been dealing with depression my whole life so I know I will be ok . It was scary how fast I was building the tolerance but I also believe it was my past use of stimulants that had something to do with it, started with 20mg on the first day and by the 3rd day i was already doing 20mg in am and 20mg at noon, and with my Dr. directions I could go "no more than 60mg" which is probably what i would be doing in a week or two. I dont want to admit it but I even looked up snorting it! something I would NEVER do when sober. 

I cant believe I really am such an addict...but at least now i know better