The Final Stage of Mourning

[BeHereNow]

Dear Adderall,

 

There comes a time in every period of mourning when the loss has been grieved thoroughly, and healing has progressed sufficiently, to truly and finally let go.  To reconcile what has been with what could have been, to release the anger and resentment and accept what has transpired.  To stop mourning, and to stop holding grudges and regrets.  To forgive.  To let go of any lingering feelings or mindsets that could possibly keep me from moving forward with my life.  This would amount to an unnecessary continuation of a toxic 'relationship' that has long since ended.   So, in effect, this is a calm, peaceful, rational letter that it finally and truly is over.  It just didn't work out.  And I'm fine with that.

 

Adderall, I've written you a number of infuriated goodbye letters now.   I'm done with those.  This is a letter of peace and acceptance.  I will no longer demonize you, and I will no longer romanticize you either.  I will strive to maintain an attitude of cool reason towards you from now on.  I accept that I'll still have to deal with triggers, but that's how it goes.  You're really just an artifact of my past now.   I accept your presence in this world, and I accept that you might have a good relationship with other people.  But I won't be jealous of that anymore.  It just didn't work out between us, and never could have.

 

But I can't enter into a stage of acceptance without reflecting on how you contributed to making me into who I am today.   Setting aside all the thoughts of how much better my life would have been had we never crossed paths, I want to think about how you changed me and what I have learned.  

 

First and foremost, my original plan was to continue taking adderall for the first 3 years of grad school, to help with the transition, and then quit.   Well, it ended up being 2 years.  And I cannot lie to myself: Adderall, you really helped me in some very important ways during those 2 years.  You helped me earn a 3.86 GPA during my coursework.   Maybe it would have been higher without you, but those first 2 years are insanely difficult as they attempt to weed people out.  I passed that test.  I did some very good work with your help.  I could have accomplished all of that without your help, but at the time I felt that I needed you, and I chose what I chose for a reason at the time.  It doesn't matter.   I learned a LOT, and I've retained a significant portion of what I learned.  So, thank you adderall for carrying me to a place where I have slightly more breathing room, to work on my thesis.  And thank you for leaving my life at just the right time.

 

Second, adderall, there must have been something --a number of things-- already wrong that I needed to work on, and my journey into addiction helped me to understand this.   For example, I didn't have enough confidence in the first place, so I turned to you for a boost and in the end had to quit with a dramatic loss of self confidence.  I always had trouble with focusing and motivation, and now I have to learn how to actually get things done, how to focus, relying only on my own brain.  I have always needed to be more organized, better at time management, more disciplined, and now I'm forced to learn the hard way.  Adderall didn't actually help me with any of these things.  But now I have the chance to look these "issues" directly in the face and actually deal with them.  I would never be forced to confront all of my "issues" if I hadn't ventured into adderall territory.  I wouldn't have nearly the self-understanding that I've developed since quitting.

 

Third, you've helped me understand addiction in ways I never would have before.  I never thought I was prone to addiction, but when the 'right' substance presented itself, I became an addict.  And now I've learned the skillset and mental discipline of quitting.  These are invaluable tools I never really had before.

 

Adderall, I'm sorry for abusing you.  You are extremely powerful and I should have treated you with significantly more respect.   That said, I have already forgiven myself.  I shouldn't have abused you, but I did.  And now I'm still paying the price, but I'm also reaping the benefits of quitting.  I have no regrets because I choose not to live a life of regret.  It happened, it didn't work out, I destroyed a bunch of relationships and almost destroyed myself, and I'm a very different person now.  For the better.  Plus, I still have plenty of time to remedy all that I messed up while I was on adderall.  And a lot more appreciation of time than I ever had while I was tweaked out.

[JustinW]

Wow!  Well said.

[LILTEX41]

Occasional,

 

This is awesome!  I really love your way of viewing Adderall today.  I need to come to that acceptance place myself, but realize these are stages you can't force.  They come with time and healing.  I'm so happy you're at this place already.  Brings a lot of peace just thinking about it all from the angle you view it now.

 

Thank you for sharing!

[SweetCarolinee]

I love this. Great post! This is beautiful.

[Jon]

I am happy to see you coming to terms from a place of acceptance. You wrote a great letter to adderall. Thank you for sharing it.

 

Maybe now you can move forward with your thesis.  I wish you all the best in that daunting endeavor. You certainly possess the skill to write it.

[BeHereNow]

Thank you everyone!    

 

Jon, I appreciate you saying that, and I think you're right.   The correlation is very close.  I've been working hard to get my ideas flowing, with various methods, and it's finally starting to go somewhere.   But I think it goes both ways too.  I think the sense of calm acceptance emerged in part from starting to write again, because I had to start approaching it from a completely different place that does not in any way resemble adderall.   And the calm acceptance of letting go is helping me write.  It's helping me feel calm and at peace about my thesis, which is conducive to writing flow.  

 

It's starting to go somewhere, and it's going to be great.  And 100% adderall-free  

[ashley6]

Occasional,

Oh my goodness, that was a touching letter. Thank you for sharing. Like Liltex, I'm still working on that part, and I commend you for being there now. You're going to rock this thesis.

[ChrisJL]

Man your post says a lot of the things I've been thinking over the years - really outlining the love/hate relationship we sometimes have with amphetamine. We all talk about how "evil" Adderall is, but I think we sometimes forget its "positives." Personally, I don't know where I would be academically without it. The flaw is when we fall into the trap of becoming unable to accomplish anything without it.

 

There's something to be said for growing and persevering through hardship, but when you pop a pill to get through these hardships you aren't really growing at all. It has led, for me at least, to a stage of arrested development. I'll stop myself short before getting too long winded but I guess I'd just like to say that your post was beautiful, I really related to it, and I hope you continue to find that same personal strength to get you through these rough times.