So thankful to have found this website

[Mcknz]

I stumbled upon this website today after searching the web for a link between depression and quitting Adderall. My history with Adderall and similar prescription drugs goes back to when I was about 12 or 13 when my parents had me put on Adderall and a few different antidepressants to try and help me deal with some issues that I now realize we're probably just natural phases of growing up. (What teenager isn't emotional and unmotivated at times). I was on 60 mg of Adderall xr all throughout high school until I had some drastic life changes, ended up moving and getting off all of my prescription meds. Thankfully I was at a time in my life with little responsibility and a new environment that allowed me to come off of Adderall with little noticeable side effects. The few years prior to quitting had been filled with turmoil, impulsive behavior, unhealthy relationships, and general unhappiness...so quitting and being completely clean was a welcomed change and I never realized that I might have been addicted in the first place. After a year or so off Adderall I started classes at a local community college where I did decently academically without drugs for the first time in my life. I didn't have the same sort of productivity where I could get everything done in a short time span by popping a pill but I gradually learned to manage my time and resources on my own, naturally, and I was successful. Being off all drugs for a year or so and feeling healthier mentally then I ever had in my life made me really start to question the diagnoses I had been labeled with as a kid. (ADD and bipolar) I realized that a lot of my depressive symptoms were probably Adderall related... Adderall abuse led to a lack of sleep, irritation, anger, depression, impulsiveness, and when I was off of them, lethargy.

I wish the story ended there. About a year and a half ago I got my associated and transferred to a four year institution and had dreams of going to medical school. My first semester I thrived soberly. Got good grades and had a genuine passion for what I was doing. The summer after my first semester I had to take a few summer chemistry classes in a one month span. Long story short I was trying to keep up with a heavy work load and stay out and have fun with my friends that weren't in school. I had friends who still took Adderall casually and I started up again in attempt to make everything easier. I didn't realize until very recently that I was relapsing in a way. After the month on Adderall I quit again and I was once again a very tired, angry, unproductive person. The next semester started shortly after and I was struggling with severe depression again. My mom and family were so excited to see me have goals and dreams of becoming a doctor and when I no longer had that passion to do well in school I felt very guilty. This depressive cycle continued until my mom suggested that I might want to consider getting back on medication. I was so sick of being sad that I just wanted an easy way out so I let myself believe once again that there was something medically wrong with me and I went to the doctor to get another Adderall prescription.

Long story short here I am a year later, one month clean, certain that I have had an Adderall dependency problem for most of my life. When things get tough I look for Adderall to get me through it and it throws me into a destructive cycle every. Single. Time. I tried to quit Adderall in the mide of this last semester and saw my mood and my grades drop as a result. I now have so much guilt and anxiety that I'm not living up to the person I can/should be. My family and friends mean well and are supportive but none of them really understand the real effect Adderall has on me in the end. They want to see me happy and productive and don't get why I put myself through quitting when the adderall "helps" me so much. I am determined to stay off of it for good this time now that I am aware and get back to the real me that is full of life, a complete range of emotions, passion, and energy. I no longer want to be numbed by this drug just to get things done. I am so so so thankful that I found this page after months of reading articles about how Adderall shouldn't cause depression when uses appropriately and "maybe I should up my dose" etc. Reading these forums has overwhelmed me and has relieved me of a lot of the guilt I feel for letting others down on this journey. Thanks so much for making me feel same again and letting me know that I'm not alone.

Mckinzee

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the site. You've found a group of people dealing with a unique problem of amphetamine addiction. we are here to support and be supported. spend some time looking over the articles on this site.

[Doge]

Awesome that you have been clean for a month. 

 

When you become a doctor you can warn your patients about the serious downsides to this medication.

[BeHereNow]

Hi Mackinzee,

 

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to a new and happier life!   

 

Congratulations on one month clean!  I can hear it in your writing that you're going to make it for the long run.  I really hope I'm right.  You are way too good for adderall, and way too good to live a depressed life.  I'm really happy you kept looking into it, even after you found all that crap on the internet about adderall "not causing depression."  

 

This website has helped me to understand the effects of adderall on life, health, and my psyche so much more fully than any other website.  Everything else tries to pretend it's not that bad, "shouldn't cause depression if used correctly," etc.   "Oh, if its helping why don't you just go back on the meds?" Etc.   I can't even believe the lack of information available on the long-term effects of this drug.  Let alone information about quitting.  We the public ARE the lab rats.  By communicating with each other here, we can at least become more informed.

[Mcknz]

Thanks for the replies everybody.

 

I feel very confident that I will be sober for good. I've always been skeptical of my relationship with Adderall, but never trusted my instincts enough. It's so sad to me now that I would never just let my self be my self. Sober me is awesome...I have compassion for other people, I feel connected with the world, I have hope and passion for the future. Now that I am conscious and certain that adderall DOES rob me of all of this despite what friends, family, and the medical world might think I don't know how I can ever go back.

 

I don't like myself on adderall, I don't like having to tell myself what to think all of the time. Life is dull and bland. Food is bland. Feelings beyond the initial high are nonexistent. I lived to complete mundane tasks with no greater purpose...I even quickly lost interest in those tasks towards the end when I adjusted to my dosage again. My motivation for anything was a stupid pill and living a life with no natural motivation for ANYTHING is hardly a life at all.

 

Idk just having so many realizations at this point in my life. Glad I found some other people going through the same thing. I don't know if I'll ever have another shot at medschool because I threw away my drive and passion for a drug this past year and my grades fell as a result but I do hope one day I can do something medically related and get some information out there to people to let them know that there are serious dangers with amphetamines. To think kids as young as 5 are being put on it with no control over what long term effects it might have over their lives. And I hate that if I try and talk to people about these issues and lack of research regarding some prescription meds I get treated like I'm some paranoid hippie. I now know through my own experience that you have to trust yourself, always.