external intervention

[Doge]

So I'm here again, day 1 of "the final crash".  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until Tuesday.

 

I've never shared my full story, but have on several occasions incoherently rambled about certain parts of it, as it seemed to be therapeutic at that moment.  I focused more on what I wanted to hear.  I was only really sharing the parts of it that I was ready to admit.  I was just using this site to make myself feel better, but feeling better isn't going to solve my problem.

In the interest of full disclosure, this post is quite long and I apologize for that.  I feel like I need to get this out in writing while it is fresh, and also as some sort of symbolic start of a new beginning.

 

TL;DR I confessed my addiction and cut off all access to refills.

 

I read a lot of people saying they distinctly remember the first time they upped their dose.  The scene in Requiem for a dream when the lady does this certainly hits home for me.  I remember coming to the decision on a summer night around 11 o'clock when I began to feel the usual dose wearing off (I'm naturally a night owl and I work independently so it's not uncommon for me to go to bed around 4am).  For some reason I just wasn't satisfied with what I had gotten done that day and wanted to keep going.  I knew if I took another I'd be up all night.  I felt that this was no big deal because I could just sleep later to compensate and then use more adderall later if I needed to fix my sleeping patterns.  This way of thinking march marks the beginning of my full-blown addiction, and in fact my first binge.

 

It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore.  I redosed every 2-3 hours or so until my little container was empty.  After the first couple rounds I stopped even questioning it and it became automatic.  Fortunately I only had about 200mg altogether or I might have just kept going until I OD'd and died.  Of course after a couple of those redoses, I wasn't even being productive anymore.  I was just sitting at my computer wasting time strung out like a speed freak.  My tolerance was still quite low at this point, 15mg was my usual dose, and I only took it about 3-4 days per week. 

 

Because I hadn't developed a physical dependance on the substance, my "crash" was more like a really bad hangover.  After about 2 days sitting around re-watching Game of Thrones and eating pizza, I felt more or less back to normal.  Of course I felt kind of stupid for wasting my precious pills.  I was more focused on the potential productivity over the next couple weeks that I had just thrown away.  I mourned the loss of my stash, not the binge itself.

 

Again, having never been even a daily user before, and since I had never done this before, I quickly recovered from the crash and felt fine.  For the next few weeks I was about as productive as I ever have been before even having even heard of Adderall. 

 

I didn't know it yet but I would never again take the recommended dose (unless it was all I had).

As soon as I refilled, the same thing happened the first time I used.  As soon as it started to wear off, I redosed, and did this continuously until I was completely out.

 

This continued for quite some time, before I was willing to admit to myself that I was addicted.  Many years earlier I had learned about physical dependencies when I took prescription painkillers that had severe withdrawal symptoms when the prescriptions expired.  I thought I understood addiction because of this, and that I was smarter than it was.  The withdrawal symptoms were hell but once they were gone I never wasted a thought on the issue ever again.

 

Whenever I would run out, I would swear never again to make the same mistake.  This continued for several months before I finally figured out something was seriously wrong, and even then I assured myself it was just a red flag not the real thing.

I continued this cycle for the most of the passed two years:
1) I would get a resupply, with 100% intention of taking no more than 1 in a single day. 
2) Within a couple days or so, I would take my first one, and then keep re-dosing until they were gone.
3) Eventually crash between 24-36 hours later.
4) Recover from withdrawal symptoms, during which I would be as convinced as if God himself came down from the heavens and told me that I was addicted.  I would swear to myself and him that I would never touch it again. 
5) When the withdrawals ended, I gradually wrote them off as just blowing things out of proportion due to a bad hangover.  No different than a wild night of partying which lots of people do occasionally.  Roughly 25 days later start over.
 

I think that maybe the rationale I used to delude myself was that each time I went through the withdrawals, and then live normally for most of the month, I convinced myself I had once again conquered my addiction (but also wisely cautioned myself against making the same mistake again).

 

I didn't want to see the bigger picture and admit that it was one long addiction that I was falling victim to, and it was getting stronger every time I relapsed. 

 

Robin Williams said it perfectly, though this is not an exact quote (but close enough):
"It's as if the smarter you think you are, the harder it is to see it happening.  I've got an idea, I'll just take a little bit."  The reality (as I see it now) is that I have trained myself to be addicted to the whole ritual, including the withdrawal symptoms.

I can't even recall exactly when I truly figured this out, but I've had enough relapses since then to deduce that understanding alone will not be enough of a game changer to prevent continuing to relapse.  I may be able to overcome this without help from others, but

1 ) I'm starting to doubt it.

and

2 ) but why risk it? or even risk delaying it?

[Searchingsoul9]

So I'm here again, day 1 of "the final crash".  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until Tuesday.

 

I've never shared my full story, but have on several occasions incoherently rambled about certain parts of it, as it seemed to be therapeutic at that moment.  I focused more on what I wanted to hear.  I was only really sharing the parts of it that I was ready to admit.  I was just using this site to make myself feel better, but feeling better isn't going to solve my problem.

In the interest of full disclosure, this post is quite long and I apologize for that.  I feel like I need to get this out in writing while it is fresh, and also as some sort of symbolic start of a new beginning.

 

TL;DR I confessed my addiction and cut off all access to refills.

 

I read a lot of people saying they distinctly remember the first time they upped their dose.  The scene in Requiem for a dream when the lady does this certainly hits home for me.  I remember coming to the decision on a summer night around 11 o'clock when I began to feel the usual dose wearing off (I'm naturally a night owl and I work independently so it's not uncommon for me to go to bed around 4am).  For some reason I just wasn't satisfied with what I had gotten done that day and wanted to keep going.  I knew if I took another I'd be up all night.  I felt that this was no big deal because I could just sleep later to compensate and then use more adderall later if I needed to fix my sleeping patterns.  This way of thinking march marks the beginning of my full-blown addiction, and in fact my first binge.

 

It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore.  I redosed every 2-3 hours or so until my little container was empty.  After the first couple rounds I stopped even questioning it and it became automatic.  Fortunately I only had about 200mg altogether or I might have just kept going until I OD'd and died.  Of course after a couple of those redoses, I wasn't even being productive anymore.  I was just sitting at my computer wasting time strung out like a speed freak.  My tolerance was still quite low at this point, 15mg was my usual dose, and I only took it about 3-4 days per week. 

 

Because I hadn't developed a physical dependance on the substance, my "crash" was more like a really bad hangover.  After about 2 days sitting around re-watching Game of Thrones and eating pizza, I felt more or less back to normal.  Of course I felt kind of stupid for wasting my precious pills.  I was more focused on the potential productivity over the next couple weeks that I had just thrown away.  I mourned the loss of my stash, not the binge itself.

 

Again, having never been even a daily user before, and since I had never done this before, I quickly recovered from the crash and felt fine.  For the next few weeks I was about as productive as I ever have been before even having even heard of Adderall. 

 

I didn't know it yet but I would never again take the recommended dose (unless it was all I had).

As soon as I refilled, the same thing happened the first time I used.  As soon as it started to wear off, I redosed, and did this continuously until I was completely out.

 

This continued for quite some time, before I was willing to admit to myself that I was addicted.  Many years earlier I had learned about physical dependencies when I took prescription painkillers that had severe withdrawal symptoms when the prescriptions expired.  I thought I understood addiction because of this, and that I was smarter than it was.  The withdrawal symptoms were hell but once they were gone I never wasted a thought on the issue ever again.

 

Whenever I would run out, I would swear never again to make the same mistake.  This continued for several months before I finally figured out something was seriously wrong, and even then I assured myself it was just a red flag not the real thing.

I continued this cycle for the most of the passed two years:

1) I would get a resupply, with 100% intention of taking no more than 1 in a single day. 

2) Within a couple days or so, I would take my first one, and then keep re-dosing until they were gone.

3) Eventually crash between 24-36 hours later.

4) Recover from withdrawal symptoms, during which I would be as convinced as if God himself came down from the heavens and told me that I was addicted.  I would swear to myself and him that I would never touch it again. 

5) When the withdrawals ended, I gradually wrote them off as just blowing things out of proportion due to a bad hangover.  No different than a wild night of partying which lots of people do occasionally.  Roughly 25 days later start over.

 

I think that maybe the rationale I used to delude myself was that each time I went through the withdrawals, and then live normally for most of the month, I convinced myself I had once again conquered my addiction (but also wisely cautioned myself against making the same mistake again).

 

I didn't want to see the bigger picture and admit that it was one long addiction that I was falling victim to, and it was getting stronger every time I relapsed. 

 

Robin Williams said it perfectly, though this is not an exact quote (but close enough):

"It's as if the smarter you think you are, the harder it is to see it happening.  I've got an idea, I'll just take a little bit."  The reality (as I see it now) is that I have trained myself to be addicted to the whole ritual, including the withdrawal symptoms.

I can't even recall exactly when I truly figured this out, but I've had enough relapses since then to deduce that understanding alone will not be enough of a game changer to prevent continuing to relapse.  I may be able to overcome this without help from others, but

1 ) I'm starting to doubt it.

and

2 ) but why risk it? or even risk delaying it?

 

"It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore"

 

"The reality (as I see it now) is that I have trained myself to be addicted to the whole ritual, including the withdrawal symptoms."

 

These things you said hit home for me. I could totally relate to that when i was abusing. 

I would rather keep taking more and more than let the adderall high wear off.

 

Also, i too was addicted to the ritual of it all. Refill, take 70mg one day, then 120, then 170, then 200, so on, run out, crash and burn, eat a ton, be clean for two weeks, JUST start to feel better and normal, promise to take the recommended dose, refill, repeat.

 

I swear to you it will be a never ending cycle unless you make the conscious and final decision to quit.

You said you confessed your addiction, was this to your psychiatrist? 

If so, that's the first step. Once you lose the connection you have no choice, but to quit.

That's how i stopped for good too.

 

You could do it alone, but it would be a lot more lonely, a lot harder, and a lot easier to relapse.

I suggest you stick with us. Post as much as you need, be honest-to the people on this forum & to yourself.

I am not sure if i ever would have decided to quit if not for this site.

I definitely relapsed many times before i succeeded, but the support from this forum was immense.

It's so great that you took that first step. It will get harder before it gets easier, but once after that it gradually gets easier and easier...until one day you wake up and the adderall abusing version of yourself if nothing but a very distant memory.

[Doge]

Just starting day 2, and feeling massively better than yesterday.  Have caught up on sleep quite a bit.
Eating a tonne of vegetables during the day is very helpful if even a little unsatisfying.
I haven't gotten anything done really except keep myself fed. 

It's embarassing how good I got at coping with withdrawal symptoms because it became an ingrained routine for me.

 

I'm feeling a little rollercoastery every time I think about going to work this week and facing the realization that people close to me now know my secret.  But it was the right thing to do and I still feel relief about it as well.

Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober.  What a horrifying thought.  I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore.

It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control.  It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.

[Searchingsoul9]

Just starting day 2, and feeling massively better than yesterday.  Have caught up on sleep quite a bit.

Eating a tonne of vegetables during the day is very helpful if even a little unsatisfying.

I haven't gotten anything done really except keep myself fed. 

It's embarassing how good I got at coping with withdrawal symptoms because it became an ingrained routine for me.

 

I'm feeling a little rollercoastery every time I think about going to work this week and facing the realization that people close to me now know my secret.  But it was the right thing to do and I still feel relief about it as well.

Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober.  What a horrifying thought.  I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore.

It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control.  It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.

 

Congratulations! Keep it up.

Work may bring some anxious feelings, but those people you confessed to wont be judging you. (Even if they were, their judgment is based on pure ignorance) 

Just get through each day and keep pushing forward.

[quit-once]

Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober.  What a horrifying thought.  I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore.

It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control.  It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.

Congratulations for your new-found freedom.  I remember that feeling of relief after I decided to quit.  It is a totally unsustainable addiction.  Admitting your addiction to others and cutting off the pill supply are two huge steps that will ensure your success and recovery.   Put your addiction and the Adderall habits in the rearview mirror and move forward.

[Doge]

Quit Once:

Your tough love post in my "relapse" thread from a couple of weeks ago was a huge part of my decision.  The denial focused addict inside of me tried to ignore you at first, because I wanted to believe this would just solve itself.  I relapsed twice more I think since then and your words were actually echoing in my brain (the parts about assigning *REAL* consequences to failure and sticking with them).

 

I know it's only my second clean day, and things will get much harder soon when the romanticizing begins and the cravings return, but I don't have to be afraid anymore because it's no longer an option to act on them.  I have had many cravings in the past during which time I literally had no opportunity to get my hands on pills.  And guess what, they passed and I felt better afterwards.

 

Two days ago during the afternoon, I was strung out (still high) in panick/despair mode after being up for about 40 hours straight and something inside of me snapped and said "this has to stop and if I don't act now it never will".  I talked myself in and out of it a few times. 

 

The inner addict in me said the usual "Calm down, just wait until you sober up a bit.  Things will look better tomorrow.  Don't humiliate yourself.  You can do this on your own.  Get some sleep and think it over and if you still want to go through with it you can.  Don't be hasty."

 

Bullshit.

-------------
 

if anyone else is reading this and knows what I am talking about, and wants to quit but is afraid.  Do not listen to this voice.  It is not you.  It is not your friend.  It doesn't want what is best for you.  It wants to kill you.

If you don't think you can resist temptation, TELL SOMEONE.  It feels SO GOOD to have faith in the future again.

[AlwaysAwesome]

  You can do it!  I completely agree with Quit Once that you have to admit your addiction to others and cut off your supply.  Telling others is a great way to keep yourself accountable.  If you can sneak back to the Adderall and no one else knows, then it is harder to stay clean. 

[Doge]

Today was when the romanticizing really began.  (The last two times I sought refills were both on Thursdays, and my thursday workday stands out as significantly different than my other days, so building a habit/trigger happened pretty quickly.)

 

Fortunately I was able to put the thoughts from my mind without too much dwelling on the past.

 

It makes things a lot simpler because I have zero access to getting any more pills now.  Really glad I surrendered my pride and came clean.

[AlwaysAwesome]

Have some comfort food...it helps.  CARBS!!!  You are doing great! 

[Doge]

Thanks for the support, there will be some serious cheese and cracker binging tonight. 

[AlwaysAwesome]

Add in some ice cream.  Blue Bell...Butter Crunch...OMG

[Doge]

I was having huge cravings today.  Hardly slept last night, feeling low energy, grumpy, all around crappy day.

 

Then I was hit with a little wave of happy for no reason this afternoon, even though I'm still tired.

 

I really think the really intense cravings (like where you start to feel your freedom of choice and true intentions fighting to stay in the driver's seat) are sign of something good to come after.  I hope I can remember that next time I have a shitty day.

[AlwaysAwesome]

Hang in there!  It does get better...every day.